“You have to help me!” I cry in desperation as I try to move. Everything is hurting and I feel nothing but pain seeping into my veins.
“There is nothing we can do Averly!” I feel the tears come as I wiggle around and try to manage the pain, until I start to feel the burn come from my lungs.
“Then kill me!” I hear a gasp from the nurse and start to panic in pain. It’s absolutely everywhere and it is increasing by the second.
I can only speak small syllables before it starts getting worse and so they don’t know where the pain is coming from and can’t help me.
Soon enough I feel everything go numb and smile in thanks when I realize they have given me a calming sleep sedative.
I then gladly welcome the dark sleep awaiting me.
How is it even possible to live after having no hope?
Going from expecting death to overcoming all odds and being told to carry on with your life.
School, friendships, relationships, jobs and don’t even mention the amount of questions that you will have to answer.
So how do you expect me to go from the thought of death to out of the hospital and basically starting life all over again?
They say that I am strong enough to carry on with life, but . . . I feel like a stranger to this world.
I feel like I don’t know how to live in it anymore; how to live without the tubes and medication.
I feel so naked and vulnerable.
So I stay here, cooped up in my room; my safe place.
They want me to come out, I want to come out, but I can’t do it. I don’t want to be the freak who doesn’t know how to be like a normal human.
I am afraid of being afraid.
“How do you expect me to keep calm if you won’t tell me why she was screaming and now is asleep?” My eyes struggle to open and when they do, they open to see a very pissed off Jonah fighting.
“Jonathan let’s just wait for Averly to wake up.” he turns to my mom and is silent for a few seconds before nodding with a sigh.
They both turn and look at me and at the same time a smile graces their lips when they notice that I am awake.
Immediately they are by my side and I find myself trying extremely hard not to roll my eyes at them.
“Averly, please tell me that they did not put you to sleep for no reason.” if only you knew Jonah, if only you knew.
I shake my head “they gave me a sedative to numb the pain and make me sleep because I was in a lot of pain.” I shrug as if it is nothing at all and then lay back with my head completely on the pillow.
I am so tired.
This whole week, if I am not in pain then I am tired and if I am not tired then I am in pain.
The worst is that no one will understand just how that pain really feels.
“Are you okay now though?” Oh mom, do you mean besides the feeling of glass cutting into my stomach right now? Then yes.
I sigh inwardly at my mindful response “yes mommy.” she gives me a grateful smile and takes my hand.
She looks me in the eyes softly and lets out a deep breath “your dad would have been so proud of you.”
My eyes immediately go to my lap after she speaks and I will away any memory trying to come up and make me cry.
“He would have said that you got the braveness from him.” her voice cracks as she speaks the last word and I watch as she she smiles up at me with tears before she leaves to go and compose herself.
It can’t be easy though, losing your husband and having a sick daughter who has to hope and pray the medicine works.
Soon, I snap out of my thinking trance and it is now only Jonah and I in the room.
“I am so proud of you.” I raise an eyebrow and he flashes me a charming smile “you are my brave queen.”
I smile and look at our hands before my eyes snap to his in a split second again.
“Why do you have a wedding band around your wedding finger?” I see him think over his answer for a moment before he answers me “well, since we are not married yet, I decided to live like I am.” I blush blood red and he strokes my cheek.
“If we can’t marry until you are well, then I will live as if we already have until then.” I smile at him and wonder how I got so lucky.
Especially since I haven’t told him that I love him yet. That is right, I haven’t been able to get the words out.
Yet, he stays around and shows me how much he loves me every second of every day.
I just love him so much.
Slowly, he leans in and plants a kiss on my lips and I savor the wonderful taste of his amazing lips on mine.
I feel tingles when I think of everything he does and I smile into the kiss before pulling away.
He smiles and stands from his chair “I am going to go buy some food, you can’t keep living on hospital food, yuck!” I smile “what are you going to get?” He smiles “McDonalds.” I smile gratefully and he soon leaves with a smile on his face.
I stare out of the window for another moment and think of my parents and of Jonah.
I am truly blessed.
“I miss you daddy.” I wipe my tear and close my eyes tight while I lean my head back on the pillow.
Soon, I welcome sleep and dream of my dad and everything I miss about him.