“We had a huge argument and after everything we said, I told him to just leave.” I wipe away my tears and take a few seconds to calm down “and then he left without looking back.”
Silence fills the room as I wait in anticipation while watching the ink scribble onto the paper in and untidy yet tidy handwriting.
“And you wish that he did stay and fight instead of doing what you didn’t mean to say?” I nod in confirmation “you only told him to leave because it made sense to say it?” I nod again and observe the silence again.
Yes, it had led to this . . . Therapy.
Apparently, I am on medication with high volumes of some or other chemical and with Jonah leaving yesterday, I have a high risk of depression.
I want my everything back, I want to go home and I want to be normal and I want to go back to school.
I don’t want another second of this. It has caused me the most agony than ever, both physically and emotionally.
This . . . Everything; it’s what made Jonah decide he has had enough. Not only did I lose my best friend, but also the love of my life.
It pains me.
I understand what he said, but he needs to understand that the only I can keep a little bit of my dad is to live the way he taught me to in the time that he did.
He still has both of his parents, sure they are never home, but he still has them. He can call them for anything and he can get anything with the push of a button.
I don’t have both my parents and the one I do have is sick with worry about bills and her only family that she has left.
I am my mom’s only family and if I had to die then I am pretty sure her whole life would die with me. That is why I am going to make sure that I don’t.
I can’t lose Jonah, I have lost my dad and I am on the route to losing my mom. She is under so much stress and filled with so much fear, but nothing is working out.
“What is your biggest fear Averly?” My eyes snap to the doctor and we sit in silence while I think about what I was just asked.
“Letting everyone down.” she raises an eyebrow and I feel like explaining what I can’t to her. I don’t know how to explain what I am feeling and I don’t know how it will sound.
“I don’t want to cost so much money and then end up dying.” she writes something on her notes with a nod before pushing her glasses up with her finger.
She is in deep concentration with her eyebrows furrowed and one eye squinting while she writes down what she is thinking.
“I think you are more scared of dying and leaving your mother not only sad and alone, but also high in debt. You are scared of letting Jonah feel so much hurt with your death even after he spent so many countless hours only thinking about you.” I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms over my chest. What makes her special enough to make conclusions?
“And right now you know I am right and you are debating whether I am worth believing or not.” my eyes squint as I watch her. She read my mind.
I soon let out a sigh and find myself nodding “you want him to come back Averly, but did you ever stop and think that maybe you are the one who left?” My eyebrows raise and I see her pack her things happy that she was able to play with my mind.
She leaves and I sit in the silence of my room, the small buzz from the hospital is faint as her eyes echo in my mind.
I am the one that left?
I love Jonah so much that it makes me struggle to sleep sometimes because I love him so much; why would I leave?
It plays in my head, over and over. All the laughs we have shared and all the moments we have spent together since I got very sick.
I see all the good moments and all the bad moments in front of me. Ranging from when we share kisses to when we fight and don’t speak.
“Oh shit.” it strikes me and I feel tears well up in my eyes “it is me.” no one is listening, but somehow I get the idea that Jonah knows I am feeling so hurt about this.
I don’t want him to leave me forever, everything became about me and my sickness and my dad and my meds and my mom and not once did I realize that he was feeling neglected in a way.
A way I can’t describe. We have shared some of the most magnificent moments and connections, but we have spent way more days with me in pain and him worried.
It’s always about me and he is always making me happy no matter what.
I then shift in my bed as an uncomfortable feeling hits me in the stomach. What then? I shift again, but it won’t go away.
Right then, my mom and Dr. Dimitri enter the room with smiles on the faces “how are you feeling sweetie?” I look into my mom’s eyes after she kisses my forehead.
The concealed pain that I see makes me say the next words “I am really feeling so much better, I could maybe be getting better.” I see joy spread onto her face and ignore the sting that I feel in my stomach along with the dull pain.
My mom is happy.
The doctor smiles “I am very pleased to hear that.” he then walks over and checks a few things on the machines next to my bed “how are things at home?”
My mom’s smile drops and curiosity fills me “mom?” It takes her a moment before she answers me “Jonah is hurting . . . So much.” I raise an eyebrow.
“He is permanently in your room, he looks at the pictures of you two and cries and then he looks at videos of you guys and gets angry. At night . . . I hear his screams when he is asleep and I hear his cries when he is awake. He fidgets the whole time and he won’t eat.” With every word she utters, I feel my heart break a bit more than it already has.
Suddenly, pain surges through my whole body and I struggle to breath. Dr. Dimitri immediately comes to my side while my mom flies up from her chair.
They make me sit straight and I resist because of the pain and the doctor immediately notices that it is coming from my stomach. He puts a mask on my mouth and ties it in order for me to breathe and soon, with a few short breaths, I am able to breath with the help of the mask. When I feel stable enough I stand up with shaky legs to go to the bathroom after a wave of nausea hits me.
I take one step and then another and then another and another, then I fall down as pain fills me even more.
“What is happening?!” My mom is frightened and tears are running down my cheeks silently. I want Jonah.
I am so scared.
The doctor helps me up and I am placed in a wheelchair, only now noticing the nurses around us. They rush out of my room and through the hospital all the way to the elevator.
I feel my mom’s hand and squeeze it tight making her look at me with tears in her eyes that start to fall as soon as she sees mine and the pain they resemble.
My whole body goes stiff and the pain increases causing me to let out a cry. The mask seems to start irritating my face and all I want is my best friend to hold my other hand.
I want this to end!
I can’t anymore, the pain and the hurt I feel is unbearable. Soon we reach the room they are taking me too and as we rush through the door, they stop my mom.
They stop her while she cries and I turn back to see her trying to fight them. I feel more tears start to pour and when the doors close I can no longer see my mom, my eyes close and I no longer see the white walls of the hospital that feels covered in my blood since every time I get pushed through here, it is because I have had a setback.