How much can a person take before it is too much? It is a constant cycle, getting better then almost dying. Getting better and then we are back where we started.
I don’t know if I can carry on like this anymore. I have so many problems and I feel like other people are also getting irritated by me.
I just know that it really is getting to be too much, if not for other people, then for me.
“Averly, talk to me.” I look at Jonah who has dry tear stains on his cheeks and pain in his eyes before turning and looking the other way.
“Go home,” I don’t hear him respond at all and then hear some movement “don’t touch me; just go home.”
“No.” My eyes immediately snap to him and I force myself not to glare at him “why must I go home? You are my girlfriend and I love you. What gives you the right to determine if I can help?” He has a look on his face, a look that I can’t describe and have never seen before.
“What do you want from me Jonah? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be getting better and then end up where you were two weeks ago? I am literally fighting a losing battle and I don’t feel like fighting anymore.” I force my tears away and look at Jonah.
He stays silent for a moment before he moves and grabs my hand “I don’t know what you feel like, but do you know what I feel like? I am the one who stays with you and tries to help you, whether you are fighting a losing battle or not; I want to be here for you.”
He leans over and then he gently places a kiss on my lips. It is a kiss that holds much more than passion and love, it holds promise.
When he pulls away, I put my arms around him in a hug and his finds his place next to me on the bed.
We lay in silence for a while as we get consumed in our thoughts and then I break the silence “Jonah?”
“Mm?” He mumbles while playing with my hair “what if I die?” It’s silent for a moment and then he looks at me “you won't." I smile and he kisses my forehead.
“The doctor is going to be here to tell us the test results soon.” I give Jonah an expectant look and he shakes his head while taking a deep breath.
“You mom is working extra hours to pay some extra bills. I have offered to pay, but she doesn’t want to accept.” A sad sigh leaves his mouth as he shakes his head and stands up.
“Where are you going?” He smiles at me and walks into the bathroom giving me my answer.
The room is silent for a moment and as Jonah walks out of the bathroom, the doctor walks in and puts his file down on the table thing “morning you two, I have all your test results Averly.”
“Great! Tell us how we can ‘save’ her.” Jonah does quotations around ‘save’ and Dr. Dimitri glares at him.
“Jonathan, you can’t save people. Only love them.” Jonah’s eyes go wide and he glances at me for a moment before apologizing at the doctor.
“Now, give me a moment with my patient an alone.” Jonah nods and awkwardly scratches the back of his head “I’m . . . Uhh . . . Going to go buy some food.” He walks over to me and places a kiss on my forehead before grabbing his car keys and leaving the room.
“Is it bad?” I ask the doctor and his eyes widen a bit. Clearly he didn’t expect my straight question.
He intertwines his fingers and leans forward on the table thing “see Averly-” I cut him off shaking my head “no, don’t do that. Just tell me, I am a big girl.”
He looks at me in silence for a moment before letting out a sigh and mumbling something of ‘missing the witt’ to himself.
“Averly, quite frankly, you are struggling to get through this.” I raise an eyebrow at him and purse my lips.
Unbelief fills me and I let out a small laugh “I was not expecting that. Now tell me what is really wrong.”
He stays silent while I watch him expectantly and soon I finally catch in and my frown falls deeper “you mean?” He nods and opens his file.
“We did a kidney transplant, but I am afraid that since nothing else is working, they are also not really working, your left lung is only getting 40% of the oxygen it needs and your liver has decided to laugh in our faces. Your colon and pancreas and intestines and stomach are all busy working too hard and your body is getting tired,"
"My main concern though, is your heart. The blockage in your heart is becoming more and more and it is growing faster than the medication is working."
"My point is, Averly, you have a chance of surviving, but with how it looks ... ” he takes a breath and purses his lips “the chances of survival are decreasing by the day.”
I feel my heart drop to my stomach while taking in everything he has just said “why did I faint after dinner?”
“The lack of oxygen isn’t making it easy. Everything is making it harder and harder for your brain to actually have energy to work. The scans show that you were excited and had adrenaline and so your brain couldn’t handle everything at once.” He explains and looks at me as if he expects me to be in tears.
“You guys said that I won’t die.” I state matter of factly “you could still recover.” He then folds his file and walks to the door, but I stop him before he can leave “are you going to tell my mom and Jonah?”
He smiles and shakes his head “it is all your choice. Averly, you need to know tat you till have a choice about how this works. However, until the day that you turn 18 you can't refuse treatment without your mother's permission and she has to know about all that goes on.” He then opens the door and leaves, and before I can actually process anything; Jonah walks in with McDonalds.
“Food?” I smile at him and nod “why not?” And as he walks to me with a goofy smile on his face; I decide to live the last little bit happily.
That is why I don’t tell him anything.