“Hey darling, how are you feeling today?” I hear my mom say while walking into the room and then I open my eyes and give her a weak smile.
“Honestly?” She nods while taking a seat “I feel like crap,” I whisper to her feeling weak “I feel like I have no power.”
She frowns down at me and holds my hand tight “it’s just the medication that is causing you to feel this way.” I shake my head and look down at my feet while holding back my tears.
“Mom, if getting better feels like this, then I don’t want to get better.” She looks at me completely shocked with what I said and takes a moment to process my words.
When she registers what I meant; tears well up in her eyes and she gives me a pained look.
All I do, however, is nod. She doesn’t know what the doctor told me, no one does, but she knows that I don’t enjoy one second of it
It’s quiet around up for a while as she sits looking down at her lap composing herself.
While I sit and wait for her to speak to me, I hold on tight to her grip and assure her that I am still here.
After a moment, she finally looks at me and all I see are tears rolling down her cheeks and sadness in her eyes.
“I have something to show you,” she reaches into her bag and pulls out a pack of papers that she has with her and then she puts them on my lap “when your dad found out that I was pregnant, then he would send these letters for me to read to you when he wasn’t home.”
I smile and grab the bed’s control before shifting it into a sitting position for me. I then take the letters and smile at how worn out they are in the creases from the folds.
I smile and start to look through them, seeing his messy handwriting brings back so many memories.
I wipe away my tears and look at my mom “mom?” She hums in acknowledgment of my voice and I take a deep breath “what if I don’t make it? What if I die?” She freezes for a moment and swallows hard.
“I don’t know.” She looks at her lap and I grab her other hand making her look at me again “mom, I am SO scared.” I feel my bottom lip quiver and she immediately stands and slowly slides onto the bed while hugging me as I lay my head on her chest.
“You don’t need to be scared, there is nothing to worry about.” I hear her trying to convince herself while she speaks to me and take a deep breath slowly.
When I feel the tightness of my chest while breathing, I feel the reminder of what the doctor told me and I close my eyes tight.
With my arms wrapped around my mom and her arms wrapped around mine, I find comfort in the silence between us while both of us shed tears.
“When I lost your father,” she slowly starts to speak and tightens her hold on me “I thought that everything was over for us; the pain . . . The pain of knowing that this tome he won’t be coming home and the pain of seeing that darned flag in our yard every day, it became too much.”
She takes a moment “I forgot what the most important thing was . . . You.” She kisses the top of my head slowly and I smile softly “you had a heart problem but you were healthy, I found comfort in knowing that you were a part of your father. From there, my joy came from giving you joy.”
I smile “and now I am crying in your arms.” I whistler softly and she shakes her head “you embrace that I am your mother. I am here to comfort you in all pain, and when I work extra hours to pay for the bills that will make you healthy, then I don’t become sad; instead I become happy because your father would have done the same thing.”
“You are all I have and you are all I need.” I feel my tears start to build up again when she says that.
I still don’t want to tell her what is going on and what Dr. Dimitri said because that will take the joy that she finds away completely.
She needs that.
At least she has Jonah, he sees her as his own mother and she sees him as her own son.
I nearly told him yesterday, but I realized that telling him that I know I won’t be making it easily, then he will be destroyed even more.
I just can’t believe it. He said that I could survive, but when I think of how I feel then I know that I don’t think it will be worth surviving.
“I love you sweetie.” I tighten my hold on her and let a tear escape “love you too.” it stays silent for a moment and I have million thoughts running through my mind.
Soon, I let a weak whisper out with tiredness filling my lungs. Finding it hard to speak, I take all of my energy and say what I need to “mom?” She hums in acknowledgment “don’t let go.”
I feel her tighten her grip around me and then fall into a sleep filled with tiredness.