I couldn’t- didn’t want to wake up this morning, but when I did, her picture was staring at me and I turned around, laid my pillow on my head and cried.
I couldn’t get her perfect face out of my head, the way she used to laugh and the way that her smile ways brightened my day.
Her picture kept flashing in front of me every time I closed my eyes, it was of her sitting on a little bench by the sea eating ice cream. Somehow some ended up on her nose and she was laughing with her hair blowing all over the place.
That was Averly, my Averly . . . My Averly who is now gone. I still can’t wrap my brain around it.
After about five minutes, I threw my pillow to the side and got up slowly, when I tried to stand, I felt my legs give out as I crashed into the wall and started to hit it with my fist using all of my power and I tried to scream the pain out of me.
When my fist started to hurt, I laid my head on the wall and started to cry. I felt the pain consume my whole body and I then slid with my naked back against the wall and took a seat on the ground.
I put my head in my hands and cried mumbling to myself “come back to me! Just come back to me . . . I need you.”
After a while all I could muster was a simple whisper of “please.” But I knew . . . I knew she wasn’t going to come back, and that thought tore me apart on the inside.
So this morning after I had mustered a shower and gotten everything done, I dreaded taking my tux out of my cupboard.
Right now, I am busy tying my black tie while watching myself in the mirror and I dread every breath I take.
It should be me.
She is-was strong enough to live without me, but I can’t without her.
I pull my jacket neat and grab my phone, letters and keys before leaving the house and getting into my car.
I sat in my car for about 5 minutes thinking about the day ahead before I drove and picked up her mother who wore and black dress and heals.
She was crying. I was crying. Soon after we had cried, I started my car and drove to the church.
It has been one and a half weeks and today is the day that I have to . . . Say . . . goodbye to my baby.
When we finally make it there, many other people are there already and every person who comes to comfort me only receives a hug, I don’t have it in me to talk.
The funeral is slow and painful, we have to sit in the front row and look at her picture in front of us the whole time.
The hospital said it’s better to cremate her so that is what we chose and therefore we don’t have her coffin in front of us.
Only her picture; the picture that I took of her and Cat. When we entered the church, they played her favorite song and they showed pictures of her.
There was a slideshow of the two of us and I couldn’t handle it, so I left to regain my control and walked in for my speech.
“Um . . . H-hi.” I took a deep breath and opened my paper “Ava was a very special person and I am sure that we will all . . . Remember her in our own way.” I take a deep breath “and with that said, I have something that I wrote for her and I want to read it.”
I looked down at my paper and read the words through my blurry vision caused by my tears.
“You once asked me if I would cry if you died. I remember laughing and answering with a simple ‘yes’. However, now I know that it shouldn’t be a simple answer, that I shouldn’t laugh and be serious and Ava, my answer is that I would take every dream you had and every item on your bucket list and I would make it happen.
I would live every moment as if you never left and we are doing it together in order to cover up the pain and the constant tears. I would lay in bed every night and not be able to sleep because I miss you.
I would stare at your picture . . . Wishing that it was me . . . Because I know that you are the one who would be able to live without me, not the other way around.” I compose myself and hold on before losing it.
“I am so sorry . . . That you actually had to go for me to realize this, but yes ... I will be doing all of this while crying because you died.” Then I put the mic down and ran out of the church in tears.
I ran until I collapsed in a field and I was left crying and in pain. I was knelt down and holding my stomach as I puked from the tears “Come back.” I wailed as I sobbed.
Everything hurt and I was started to get tired of the constant pain that I had surrounding me.
Soon, I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see her mom who also had tears in her eyes and tear stains on her cheeks.
She gave me a sad smile and handed me a paper and a cd “I think you need to have a look at this, it’s from her. She left it just for you.”
I slowly took it and watched as she walked away.
I looked down to the letter and cd before putting it close to my chest and breathing in her last little bit of scent on the paper.