’To you xx,
by the time that you read this, I will most probably be gone . . . and I know that you are not understanding any of this; that is okay.
Jonah, I have my reasons for stopping all treatment and for not telling you about everything from the start, I guess, I was scared that you won’t care about me anymore.
I want to thank you for not giving up on me and for walking my journey with me the whole way, I want to thank you for loving me and for making me smile even in the midst of your own pain. Yes, I could see that you were struggling. I saw it in your beautiful eyes.
It pains me to write this letter while knowing what is to come and my comfort, Jonah, is knowing that you will be okay.
I know that you are not understanding and that you won’t understand my reasons, but understand this.
We both know that I would never have been normal again. The pain would have lasted forever and I would always have had problems with my organs that are so bad.
You have always been strong and have a will of your own. I was holding you back, but live Jonah; live because I can’t.
I need you to take the thought of me and put it in your heart as your comfort, travel and see the world for the both of us and don’t be discouraged because I am no longer right beside you.
Stay loving and kind, don’t change for anyone and if the pain is unbearable, I beg of you to please keep strong and fight through it as much as you can.
Although, I didn’t say it every day, I love you. I just couldn’t say it because I knew that everyone doesn’t get a happy ending like they think. I loved you since day one.
Stay true my love,
I have read the letter three times and each time, I end up sitting on the floor with my knees to my chest swaying for comfort as I silently cry.
Even though the silent crying is hurting my throat, I don’t need comfort, it isn’t anything compared to the pain in my heart.
That pain travels from my heart, through to my hands and then everywhere in my body before it makes me sick.
I feel it in the deepest part of my stomach and I feel like I get sucked into a black hole of nothingness.
The CD had all our favorite songs on and that is the only sound that you can hear coming from my room while I stare and cry.
Every time that I open my eyes, I see her sitting cross-legged in front of me. Smiling her beautiful smile and waving at me.
Then I feel a spark of hope and the moment that I reach out to take her hand, she disappears and I feel the void inside of me all over again.
She wants me to live without her and she asks me to comfort myself with the thought of her, but I can’t.
I see the thought of her and then reality swoops in and completely destroys it. Living without her means not only living without my love, but also living without my best friend.
I sounds easier than it is and I would say that the worst is that she didn’t tell me what really was going on.
I feel like nothing would have ever prepared me for this type of pain and the feeling of something dead and void inside of me.
I close my eyes and see her in her last moments and when I open my eyes, I see her happy in front of me.
Nowhere can I escape in any way. When she disappears from my delusional sight, I look around my room and remember how it got to this.
I placed the letter down next to me again and brought up my other hand to take a drag from my cigarette before I close my eyes and will the tears away.
I sit listening to the music and grab my beer from next to me. I see her lifeless body and I take a drag and a drink.
This carries on until I throw my empty beer bottle on top of the pile of the others and kill my cigarette next to the empty packet.
“Why?” I wail while placing my palms against my eyes. I am cold from my lack of shirt and I am hurt from my lack of girlfriend.
“Ava, I wish that I could do what you ask as easily as you make it sound. I wish that every time I see you . . . it really is you.” I sob for a moment before speaking again.
“I don’t think that I can . . .” When someone in your life leaves and you valued that person to no ends, it’s hard.
I have planned my life around her and the thought of telling our kids stories one day while hoping that one day I could wake up and she would be in bed, happy and healthy.
However, with the will of one girl, that dream has been destroyed along with my soul.
I like thinking of how she was with my parents and wish that things were better than they are now.
My parents have been trying to get me out of my room since the funeral yesterday because they cared enough to come home, but I don’t want to.
With my mind in the clouds, there is a sudden knock and I can’t decipher where it came from.
I get a fright when I hear a knock again, but this time on my door and I stand up from the ground and sway to the door.
“Jonathan, you have to eat, you have to sleep and you have to come out of that room.” Susan said and I slowly grabbed the doorknob to open it.
She stood there, in a pair of sweatpants and a hoody, she had her hair up in a bun and I could see that she had also been crying.
“You miss her too.” Is all I said before I left my door open and walked to my stereo. I put it a bit softer and saw her walk in slowly.
“This can’t be healthy.” I walked to her and swayed as I stood in front of her. She slowly and cautiously brought her hand to my cheek “it pains me to see you in so much pain.”
I felt my tears start up again and one slid down my left cheek and she wiped it with her thumb.
“I know that it hurts and I know that it feels like it’s killing you, but don’t shut down. Talk to me like you did when you were 12.”
I saw a tear slide down her left cheek and wiped it away before I pulled her close and gave her a hug “I just can't."
She rubbed her hand against my back before saying the three words that allowed me to break again “let it out.”
The moment she said that, my body went numb and all the pain came back, I cried on her shoulder and she slowly lowered us to the ground while she held me close.
I could hear her crying not only for Ava, but also for me and so we sat crying together and feeling that pain that hurts so much, even your gums pain.
When I thought that she was going to let me go, I felt her grip tighten telling me it is alright.