“Hey man,” I look up and to the left to see some people looking at me from a shop. Probably a good idea being indoors since it is cold and rainy with clouds everywhere.
Just like my mood. “How have you been Jonah boy?” I turn to look ahead again and then I step out of the rain and pull down my hood.
Yes, I was walking in the rain with nothing but a jacket, jeans and boots. There is nothing wrong with that, I can do what I want.
“Guy from the corner of 5th and Main.” I recognize and he spreads his arms and smiles wide “in the flesh . . . Again.” He puts his hand to his mouth and takes a deep drag from what I can smell is weed.
I nod at everyone and he takes a seat by the table they were playing poker at “so, how you been boy?”
I glare at him for a moment before shrugging and watching him deal the cards.
“I’ve been better.” He nods his head and passes his joint over to the guy next to him “what you doing in this neighborhood?”
I shrug again and shake my head “just out for a walk.” He lets out a hearty laugh, but when he sees that I am not laughing, he slowly puts down the cards before standing up from his seat again.
He slowly walks to me and grabs his coat that is hanging on the seat next to the chair I am standing by “you weren’t kidding boy.”
I nod and stay silent while I watch him put on his coat before walking to the door and turning to me “well, are you coming?”
I clear my throat and think it over for a moment before I shrug and walk after him. I put my hood back on as soon as we got back into the rain which has calmed down a bit by now.
We walk in silence for about five minutes before he breaks the silence “so, are you going to make me ask?”
I shrug and kick a rock before I decide to speak “what do you want to ask about?” He looks at me like I am crazy for a second while we walk before he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette and a lighter.
He offers me the cigarette in a polite way but I decline with a shake of the head and I watch him take a drag after lighting it.
“The last time you were by me, you poured out your heart in a drunk and drugged state, now you are silent and closed off,” Suddenly he stood in front of me and looked me in the eyes “and you are in no way high right now.”
I shrug again and something flashes in his eyes “I just don’t need to tell you anything.”
He nods before he starts walking again and then he turns to me “and your girl? Is she still going strong?”
I freeze in my step and feel the pain that I have managed to numb come back “bugger off.”
Quickly he raises an eyebrow before he steps in front of me again “what did you just say boy?”
I smirk and look him right in the eye as I say “shut-up, you know nothing and you are acting like you know me.” I then start to glare at him. How dare he bring that up!? He knows nothing!
He rose and eyebrow and threw down his cigarette on the ground “do you realize how much product I didn’t charge you one dime for? Now you talking to me like that?!” he is busy getting angry and extremely pissed, but I don’t care. He opened up a closed can of hurt.
“If you want money, just ask, I could always pay you for it, you lost some product and I lost so much more than that by spending that one day fucking around with you. You damn lowlife!” I could have spent that day and all of my time with Ava instead of being stubborn and fighting with her.
I wish I could take back every fight that we had and replace it with love, love and even more love.
The next thing I know, I feel a fist connect with my jaw and I fall to the ground.
“What did you call me you scum?” He shouts and I hear a click before looking up and being faced with a gun to the face.
I stayed quiet and shouted at myself from the inside. What would Ava think about me being like this?
“Now you scared? You damn coward!” Suddenly the guy lifts his leg and brings it forward with full force into my rib cage.
He kicks me in the stomach about twice before he kicks me in the face causing me to spit out blood while I cough.
Deciding that he is done, he scoffs and spits on my face “you can be glad I am going light on you!” he then turns around and walks away leaving me there.
For a moment, I think about standing up and going home, but then I realize that my parents are away again and that my Ava is gone.
I have no one to go home to.
For this simple reason, I lay down on my back and close my eyes while I feel the cold drops falling onto my face.
It’s like an acid; an acid that burns through my skin and into my veins giving me a feeling of ecstasy. A feeling that I feel like getting addicted to, where I can just let go.
At least cold rain drops are something different from my warm tear drops. I wish she didn’t leave me.
I know that she did it for a reason, but I am selfish, I would have stopped her if I knew.
It feels like she didn’t think of me when she did this, because if she did, she would have known that I wouldn’t be able to carry on.
My grades have dropped so much that they actually kicked me out of the school I was no longer going to.
I struggle to eat and I haven’t had a proper nights rest in three weeks. Three whole weeks of pure hell.
I just don’t understand and now I have nothing to live for. Absolutely nothing. I don’t know what I am feeling anymore and I have been getting into trouble the whole time.
My lungs have probably become as black as coal in the past three weeks and I think my new occupation is drinking.
It’s all so hard.
I fear that I am falling, slowly but surely and I know for a fact that I won’t be holding on any longer.
I know that something is going to happen and I will not be able to go on any longer.
I can barely recognize my face in the mirror, my lips are dry and cracked, my hair is dirty, and I have bags under my eyes and constant hangovers accompanied by red rims under my eyes.
I can’t help but to ask myself one question over and over.
“How much longer Jonathan?” I sigh “how much longer before you lose?”