“I-I guess that I never thought about it actually happening.” I rub my hands together while staring at the floor.
“Mm.” I nod and take a deep breath. I pull down my jacket a bit more and tap my foot on the ground.
Suddenly, it feels like my shoe is sitting extremely loose so I go to make sure my shoelace is tied.
“I know for a fact that I cannot deal with this anymore. I-I have been lead to certain things and thoughts.” I feel a tear run down my left cheek as the pain in my heart stretches to my hands and even my teeth.
“I made a promise to her and its holding me back.” I start to crack my knuckles “I feel like I have been sucked into a hole. One that I can’t get out of.”
“Mmhmm.” I look up through my lashes at her and grind my teeth together in irritation.
If she says ‘mm’ or ‘mmhmm’ one more time, I am going to lose my shit . . . Completely.
She doesn’t help at all and it’s driving me even crazier than I already am.
Doesn’t she understand the pain that I am feeling? The hurt that it has given me? Or even the mentality that I have earned from this?
The office is quiet for a few minutes. I am staring at the floor with my hands intertwined with my elbows resting on my thighs and my head hung.
I don’t care what she is doing.
“Close your eyes.” My head flies up and I shake it drastically “no.” Her eyes widen and she stays calm as she continues to speak “close your eyes.”
“No! Every time I do, something happens.” She nods and goes silent for a while. She writes something down and then she nods at herself.
The one time that she does speak, she tells me to enter that part of my insanity! No!
“Tell me why you don’t want to close your eyes.” I give her a skeptical look “something bad happens every time that I do.”
“No, that is not the truth. Tell me the truth Jonathan.” I glare at her for a few minutes while debating whether I should tell her the real reason or not.
What if she goes on after that and asks me questions that will truly reveal the shitty things that happen?
What if she makes it worse? But what is she doesn’t?
I stare at her calm frame. She is patiently waiting and she looks like she has no troubles.
I let out a sigh and let my eyes fall to the floor “when I close my eyes, I see her. I see her smile and dance with me.”
“Mm” I go back to glaring at her and she stands up from her seat “well, I think that you are simply overreacting, you have nothing else to keep yourself busy with and see the death of Averly as your reason to finally give up. All you have to do is grow up and accept her death.”
I slowly stand up from my seat feeling both offended and pissed “tell me, are you married?”
“Yes I am, for five years now.” I narrow my eyes on her ring less finger “your response to me after all your ’mmhmm” ing explain why you are going through enough troubles to take off your wedding ring,” I take a deep breath to calm down and a tear slides down my face.
“You don’t know true love.” I then wipe my tear away and with my fists clenched, I open the door and slam it shut before I storm down the ten flights of stairs since I am too impatient for the elevator.
I walk out of the building and slam the door shut before I walk over to my car and punch the back window into pieces.
I then move to punching the door before I get into my truck. I sit and take deep breaths before I open my eyes and stare at my picture of Ava.
I feel the tears slide down my face “the least you could have done was tell me! I would have made a lasting final thought of you!!”
I put my head against the wheel and let my sobs come out “now, I am stuck living in the what ifs!”
I cry for about five minutes before I wipe away my tears and move to grab my keys put of my pocket.
When I have my keys in hand, I put them into the ignition and start my truck. I turn out of the parking area and start to drive.
I take an all too familiar road and make sure to be safe at every robot. I stop and drive and the whole way, I think about everything.
All I ever wanted her to say was that she loved me, it was the last thing that she said and I know that she thought it would make me happy.
When I finally got to where I want to be, I parked and grabbed the small blue plastic bag from the passenger seat and walk to the door.
I ring the bell and make smile at Averly’s mom “welcome Jonathan, how was that therapist?”
I force a smile out and nod “good.” She smiles widely and invites me in “I am glad to hear that!”
I nod “can I go up to Ava’s room for a moment alone please?” I ask while pointing up to the ceiling and she nods “of course!”
I then politely thank her and make my way up the stairs while thinking about my choices and Ava’s.
When I reach her room, everything was still perfectly in place.
I could see her in her room and felt my tears start again, my whole body started painting from the pain in my heart.
I struggled over to the bed and nearly collapsed onto the floor. I then moved over so that my back was against the bed.
I emptied my bag onto the floor and wiped away my tears. I then started studying every crook and cranny of her room.
We had some good times.
I looked down at the black thing lying next to me with my decision made and reached down towards it. I could hear my blood rushing through my veins.
The sweaty breaths that I was taking was resonating in my ears like an echo as I felt the cold metal hit my hand.
I thought it over and over and wiped my tears with my empty hand. I then slightly raised my other hand with the weight in my hand.
I looked straight at it, clicked the safety off and . . .
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