1. Chat
Welcome to A&S Chatroom!
Tatiana: Hello?
Ashes2Ashes: Hi, Tatiana! I see you got Freya’s invite through her email. 😬
Tatiana: I did. Will I now be riddled with worms and viruses since I downloaded some strange app onto my computer? I want to back up any important files before that happens. 😉
Ashes2Ashes: LOL! Not at all! I made the app for a school project. Need the credits to pass. Now you are all my little guinea pigs… 😏
Tatiana: Oh... So where is everyone else? Or am I the only dumb one that downloaded this thing? Should I be expecting the blue screen of death soon?
Ashes2Ashes: They should be along soon. Probably still in class. I never attend classes, so I’m free to do as I please. 😂
Tatiana: Fantastic—I’m stuck in a dubious chatroom with an underachiever tech geek.
Ashes2Ashes: Don’t knock it ’til you tried it! 😁
Anyway, tell me about yourself. Tatiana is a Russian name, isn’t it? Are you from the country previously dubbed the USSR? And should we call you Tatiana or is Ana okay?
Tatiana: Ana is fine, though my mother would cringe if she heard me say that. My mother is from Russia, father is from Chicago. I was born in Seattle.
Ashes2Ashes: Sweet. My name is Asher, but everyone calls me Ash. Hence the screen name. Incidentally, you should change yours too, Ana.
Ana???
You still there?
Ana: Yeah—is this better?
Ashes2Ashes: Meh...so-so. You should come up with a cool name like I did.
Ana: Ashes2Ashes? I guess the tech geek’s definition of cool varies greatly in Colorado.
Ashes2Ashes: 😑
Greyhound: Is this thing fucking on?
Ana: Anyway, besides school what do you do?
Ashes2Ashes: Grey! Sup, bro?
Greyhound: Nada. Just sitting here in some lame ass chat room from 1995 apparently. ☹
Ana: LOL!
Greyhound: Who’s the chick? And why can’t we have our own icons—like real ones. I don’t wanna hide this pretty face behind a computer screen. I need to share it with the world.
Ashes2Ashes: Working on it, bro. Perfection takes time. This here is Ana.
Greyhound: Hey, babe—ASL?
Ashes2Ashes: Jeez, you don’t even know the chick, fool. She could be a hermaphrodite for all you know.
Greyhound: Meh… She’d still have a hole I could fuck.
Ana: Ew…
And I’m not a hermaphrodite. Only the appropriate holes here, tyvm. 😒
Greyhound: So...answer the question. ASL?
Ana: Ugh, fine. 21/female (obviously we’ve got that cleared up by now—at least hopefully)/Seattle.
Greyhound: Dammit.
Ashes2AShes: Still hoping for that hermaphrodite, huh? 😰
Greyhound: Yeah, no...too far away.
Ana: You all are in Boulder, CO?
Ashes2Ashes: Denver
Ana: Nice.
Greyhound: What do you do?
Ana: Nothing, I’m in school for now. Getting my degree in physical therapy.
Ashes2Ashes: Grey...
Greyhound: I could get physical with you.
AShes2Ashes: I need to make a facepalm emoji for this room ASAP
Ana: 😐
Ashes2Ashes: Don’t let Grey scare you, Ana. He’s already in love with someone else. He just doesn’t know when to turn the flirt off.
Greyhound: Fuck off, bro. Don’t be spreading shit.
Ashes2Ashes: What? It’s only you, me, and Ana here. Nobody else can see it....yet.
Greyhound: Is there a private message function in here in case I want to sext someone?
Ashes2Ashes: Uhm…next week, bro. I’m fine-tuning. This is chatroom 1.0
Greyhound: Who the fuck talks in chatroom anymore? I’ll tell you—old men who want to perv on little boys and girls. This is fucking weak.
Ana: So, what do you do, Grey?
Greyhound: I study business. Going to open my own chain of gyms.
Ana: 😒 Another ruse to bring young women in to flirt and hopefully fuck?
Ashes2Ashes: Hahaha! Busted!
Greyhound: ...
Possibly...
Ashes2Ashes: You’re going to fit in just fine here, Ana. 😀
Greyhound: So, is Ana short for something? Anabelle? Anastasia? Or is it just Ana?
Ana: Short for Tatiana.
Greyhound: Hmmm…I don’t like it. I’m giving you a new name.
Ana: 😑 It’s fine, Grey.
Greyhound: Hold on...still thinking
Ashes2AShes: BRB, gotta drain the lizard
Greyhound: TMI dude. Just admit you’re actually pinching a loaf or manhandling yourself.
Ana: Wow
So...your name is Grey, or is it short for something as well?
Greyhound: Greyson—but don’t call me that. I fucking hate my full name. I sound like some English pussy who drinks tea and talks about cricket or whatever. Like that shit’s a real man’s sport.
Ana: And what is a real man’s sport? Football?
Greyhound: Hell yeah! Or ice hockey. Anything where severe bodily injury is a daily possibility. What’s the worst that could happen in cricket? The wide end of that bat thing gets shoved up your ass?
Ana: I think it’s called the blade.
Greyhound: Semantics, baby. That games for pussies.
Ana: Right. 😕
Greyhound: So...what do you look like, Tati? Pics are appreciated—bikini or less gets you a photo of my dick.
Ana: Oh, brother. So...who are you in love with?
Greyhound: Nuh-huh—this is about you. So...photo?
Ana: You remember Carmen Elektra?
Greyhound: Yeah? ❤
Ana: Yeah…nothing like her.
Greyhound: You’re no fucking fun.
Ana: I have my moments. 😃
Greyhound: So, if you did look like a celebrity—who would it be?
Ana: Dudley Moore
Greyhound: Isn’t that a dude?
Ana: Hey—you were the one looking for some hermaphrodite loving. 😂
Greyhound: I’ll tell you who I’m in love with next week if you send me a photo today.
Ana: Nope. First of all, I’m not sure I care enough to know, and second, I don’t have any photos of myself half-naked.
Not that I would share them with you at any rate.
Greyhound: It can be a clothed photo.
Ana: Hmmm...maybe then.
Ashes2Ashes: If you send him that photo, I’m sure he’ll just use it to jack off to.
Greyhound: The fuck...
Ana: It doesn’t have to be my photo. I could send him any random photo and claim it’s me.
Ashes2Ashes: Ah, true...
Greyhound: Only Freya would be able to tell me whether or not it was you or not.
Ana: You’re not helping your cause. Ash...who’s loverboy head over heels for? The fucker won’t tell me.
Greyhound: Don’t you dare! You know I can beat your ass so that even your own mama won’t recognize your dead body in the morgue.
Ashes2Ashes: Sorry, Ana. The man will do it, and this face is too pretty to ruin on account of your curiosity.
Greyhound: Hell yeah...well, except for the bit about your pretty face. You look like a frog that got its face smashed in by the flat end of one of those cricket bats.
Ana: Blade
Greyhound: Whatever, baby
Ana: Ugh…😑
Ashes2Ashes: Should I leave you two alone in here to flirt, or will Grey need to use his spank bank fodder of “she who shall not be named” again this evening?
Ana: Don’t leave me here with him!!!
Greyhound: Ouch…
Ana: Sorry not sorry 😜
Kaybae: Hey, baby!
Ashes2Ashes: Hey, baby. Ana, this is Kaylie, my girl.
Ana: Omg. A tech geek with a girlfriend...alert the presses!
Greyhound: Ha ha, turd!😂😂😂
Ashes2Ashes: 😢 And all this time I thought we were friends.
Ana: You wouldn’t spill the beans, so all bets are off.
Ashes2Ashes: Can’t fucking win.
Anyway, Kaylie, this is Tatiana or Ana. She’s friends with Freya.
Greyhound: Her name’s Tati. I thus proclaim it, and so it shall be.
Ashes2Ashes: Insert that non-existent eye roll emoji right…
Here.
Kaybae: Hey, Ana! Freya mentioned meeting you at the convention this past winter! Nice to meet you!
What didn’t you spill, hon?
Greyhound: Shut it, Ash.
Ashes2Ashes: Who Grey’s been in love with for like a year.
Ooops!
Kaybae: Oh, that’s an easy one.
Ana: Yeah? 🤔
Greyhound: Kaylie, I’m not afraid to hit a woman…
Kaybae: Bullshit. You wouldn’t hit me if your life depended on it. I’m adorable.🤗
Ana...Grey may act like a tough asshole, but he’s a warm cuddly teddy bear inside.
Ana: A horny teddy bear maybe...
Kaybae: It’s an act. He flirts with anything with a vagina, but it’s all about Freya for him.
Greyhound: Fuck, Kay. What the hell?
Kaybae: We all know it... I think Freya even does, but she’s too busy hopping from one dick to the next to notice you.
Ana: Shit got awkward all of the sudden.😓
So...Freya. She’s gorgeous. I don’t blame you. If I swung for that team I’d be on her.
Greyhound: I hate you all.
Ana: What? I would.
So, are you all friends living in Boulder?
Ashes2Ashes: Denver
Ana: Oh yeah—right.
Kaybae: Yeah, we’ve all known each other for years. You’re the only newb around here. We should all share pics!
Greyhound: An outstanding idea!
Ana: I decline.
Kaybae: What? Why?
Ashes2Ashes: Grey’s already tried to get her to give him a bikini pic... Or a nude
Kaybae: Dude...
Greyhound: What? She could be hot! I’m single...wait, are you single, Tati?
Kaybae: Tati?
Ashes2Ashes: Grey had to be different and call her his own little pet name.
Kaybae: Typical…
Ana: I’m single and soooo not ready to mingle!
Greyhound: Why?
Ana: Well, for starters, my asshole ex slept with a friend of mine, so men suck in general right now. Plus—why would it matter if I was or wasn’t? I don’t know you, and you’re way too far away at any rate. Or you could have two heads for all I know.
Greyhound: Oh baby, I do have two heads. Wanna see?
Ana: God no! 😱
Ashes2Ashes: Dick-on-a-stick here is gonna scare the fresh fish off before he even gets her to bite.
Kaybae: Grey get your head out of your ass.
Greyhound: Fuck, this place is lame. No damned way there isn’t some option to share a photo up in here.
Ashes2Ashes: Uhm, yeah—I’ll get on that “dick pic photo share option” right away. 😕
Greyhound: What’s your full name, Tati?
Ana: ...why?
Greyhound: Just curious
Ana: Ugh. Tatiana Wheeler
Greyhound: Excellent, Tatiana Wheeler. Facebook here I come.
Ashes2Ashes: I thought you got rid of Facebook after that stalker last year.
Greyhound: I’m going incognito. Fake profile.
Ana: And I’m making my profile private as we speak.
Kaybae: Why you so interested in getting into Ana’s pants? Freya not bossing you around as much as you like anymore?
Ana: ?
Greyhound: Shut it, Kay. And it’s Tati. Leave me alone...I’m Facebooking or whatever.
Ana: No, you’re not.
Greyhound: Ooooh, Tati...brunette living in Seattle, Washington? wavy hair...Are those hazel or green eyes you got, baby girl?
Ana: Hazel
No—wait!
FML
Greyhound: Nice bod, baby. Care to let me take it for a test drive?
Ana: 😑
Kaybae: Grey, send me the link in here. I wanna see what she looks like.
Greyhound: Back off, Kay.
Ashes2Ashes: Oooooh, I see her! Very, very nice.
Kay: Ash...
Ashes2Ashes: I mean not as good as my girl, but definitely hot.
Kay: I’m so out of here.
Ana: Bye?
Ashes2Ashes: I think I have a situation to address now. Bye, guys.
Greyhound: Babe, you still there?
Ana: Would it matter if I said no?
Greyhound: Give me your digits…
Ana: Do you ever ask, or does demanding everything actually work for you?
Greyhound: With a face and body like mine, I don’t have to demand. Chicks come freely. Ten extra inches below the belt doesn’t hurt either
Digits...please.
Ana: Ten??? TMI, dude—seriously!
Greyhound: Come on, I said please.
Ana: ...why?
Greyhound: So we can talk.
Ana: Isn’t that what we’re doing now?
Greyhound: Tati...
Ana: Greyson...
Greyhound: Seriously, you asked about Freya, but do you really want to know?
Ana: Well, sort of, but not if it comes with you hitting on me every other sentence. I mean honestly, why do it if you’re madly in love with one of your friends?
Greyhound: It’s a good way to blow off some steam, especially with a beautiful woman. 😘
Ana: If I give them to you, do you promise to keep the flirting to a minimum?
Greyhound: I promise to do my best. It’s the best I can do. Flirting is like the art of laying pipe. I’ve mastered it.
Ana: You aren’t helping your cause.
Greyhound: Please?
Ana: Fine, but if I hear any heavy breathing, I’m hanging up the phone and blocking your number.
Greyhound: I’m ready for you to give it to me.
The number that is… 😉
Ana: I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?
Greyhound: I’m a catch, baby. No one’s ever regretted knowing me.
Ana: In the literal or biblical sense?
Greyhound: Both, baby—both.
