What do I want..??
It was already almost 10 am and I was rushing as if whole world was on fire and if somehow I am fast enough in getting out these doors I’d able to save it. Doing all that was needed to be done and dodging all the obstacles, narrowly missing slipping and falling my ass I rushed out the bathroom doors. Throwing on the first set of clothes that came in my hand’s contact, leaving my hairs the way they were for I had no time to get presentable today. After completing the fastest shower in the history of fast showers and dressing up while already making my way to my room’s doors... My heart was thundering inside my chest and mind running with thoughts and what ifs.
“What if she left..?”
“What if she decided to not join finally?”
Although all this came to a halt as soon as I reached the door of her room and found the room absolutely empty, I wasted no time in going ahead and checking the bathroom and wardrobe too but came out empty.
My heart started breaking bit by bit thinking that she left already, although what I still failed to understand was why..? Many nights were spent trying to understand my feelings and somehow make some sense out of them but all that happened was, I got even more tangled in them...
With a defeated feeling I started to make my way downstairs...trying to convince myself that I’ll get to see her tomorrow and every day from there on... but my heart rate escalated and smile appeared unknowingly on my face when I saw her standing at the main door trying to figure out the lock, that was when I remembered I had locked the main door as usual last night. This was the first moment I felt thankful for my paranoia and the week off I give to my house staff every month including guards, not that I have an army of them but still 2 of them would have been there including 1 housekeeper had it not been for this 1 week off every month rule I had, to open the doors for her to leave.
As I made my way to her with hurried steps, in my overjoyed state though I failed to register her state...her shoulders were heaving and body rigid, all this registered into my brain as I stopped 2 steps behind her. Just as I was about to open my mouth to ask her about her state, I saw her legs give out and I leaped forward to hold her. For a moment she froze but then started to let loose...It didn’t take me long to understand that she was having a panic attack, having had enough of them myself I had an idea of how to handle the situation, although every single person reacts and responds differently in such situations, I was thankful when I felt her calming down with my efforts of cradling her and trying to calm her down with words. When I felt her breath finally calm settle and even out...I knew she must have had no energy left so, I turned her around and started making my way to couch taking her along in my arms. Although when she started thrashing and her face contorted with fear I realized where her mind and thought trail went, my heart whimpered seeing her in this situation and throat choked up but I still tried to calm her down and in the most gentle voice I could muster, I tried to assure her “Shh...I will never harm you, you are safe here.” Although I wanted to say that she is always safe with me but refrained myself from saying so...we would not want to overwhelm her and have her running for hills now, would we?...
When we reached the sofa I tried to sit her down but that was when I realized our condition and my goosebumps arose, she was cradled in my arms, clutching my shirt, her face tucked into my chest and my arms around her protectively...instantly my heart fluttered and the thought of having this and her as my forever crossed my mind. But my thoughts came to a halt when she released my shirt and her eyes roamed my body up and down, her big doe-like eyes stirred something in me and the way she gasped when our eyes met told me she realized how I was feeling, somehow I knew she felt for me the same too.
She blushed red and diverted her eyes, I saw her brain running wild with thoughts and weirdly afraid that she would want to leave...I quickly started the conversation holing to distract her.
But I soon started to regret when she remembered what had transpired last night, her eyes started widening and breath hitched...in an instant I was beside her, holding her face trying to calm her down. Seeing her in this broken state caused a weird pain in my chest and all I wanted was to save her and keep her happy somehow...anyhow.
When she threw her arms around my neck hugged me tightly, my heart beats went haywire and all cautions left my mind for I returned her embrace with equal fervor. Holding her in my arms felt something I wanted to do forever...it was then that I came to the conclusion that it was not merely the physical attraction I was feeling towards her...rather I fell for her the first time I met her. I never believed that I would feel these intense feelings for someone, that I could like someone this much...for I am still afraid of accepting these feelings as love, but I’d be damned if I let her go without trying my hardest.
Telling her the whole story about last night was something I was dreading but I knew she had all the rights to know, no matter how much rage and discomfort it brought me to remember and tell. Not to mention the urge of erasing this whole situation that filled me when her face clearly depicted how upset it made her, but there existed a glint of thankfulness to in those big emerald eyes when she looked at me. Little did she know that it was I who was most the thankful that I could get to be her protector and somehow be able to figure my heart out, however selfish this sounds.
My wits were lost I think when that when she tried to move to finally go, I was filled with dread so what happened next was something that surprised me as much as it did her when I held her wrist as soon as she stood up...
“Um...wait! You can’t leave yet..!!” - I exclaimed clutching her wrist, my eyes wide and the speed with which I scrambled up from the sofa could probably create a new record for that.
“ oh...I can’t.? Is there anything...oh..ofcourse but I will bring these clothes back to you when I come to office tomorrow...my shirt was ruined you know..” - she said timidly, suddenly embarrassed by something, her eyes not meeting mine.
Gazing her with confusion I tried to figure out what is she even on about and that was when I noticed...she was wearing my shirt that was huge on her small frame but she looked too adorable to describe. The sight of her in my clothes filled me with a strange warmth and gave even more strength to my decision of pursuing her and these feelings of mine with all I got.
“No no...that was not what I meant... you can keep these. But you can’t leave because in about...an hour...the police officer is going to be here to talk about last night.” - I spoke suddenly remembering and checking the time on the big grandfather clock in the corner, directly behind her.
“Oh...” - she suddenly became worried and seemed nervous, biting her bottom lip.
That did something to me that I decided to ignore for now seeing the situation and condition we are in presently and focused on taking her worries away.
“Hey...it’s okay...everything is gonna be fine...I’ll be with you the whole time, you have nothing to worry about.” - I spoke as gently as possible with a soft slight smile that comes naturally for her and only her, that surprises me still, cradling her smooth pale face in my hands and releasing her lip from her teeth with a thumb. Gazing into her eyes, willing her to forgo all her worries and trust me to keep her well.
“ Thanks...for everything you are doing and have done...I don’t want to burden you, you don’t have to...” - she started saying while the soft blush rose from her neck to ears.
“I know I don’t have to...but trust me I want to...” - I said cutting her in and taking half a step back.
“But...” - she started again...
“ Nope, no but...now come on I am starving let us get something to eat...” - I said with finality in my voice but accompanying it with a wink, taking her hand again in mine and intertwining our fingers I started to lead her to the kitchen.
From the corner of my eyes I could see her baffled expressions on me holding her hand, although me doing this baffled me the same if not more...heck I don’t even know why I did this...it kind of just happened with the flow but it sure does feel good, so I decided to ignore both our reactions mine internal obviously and directed her towards the stool on breakfast bar taking my position behind the counter and started with the cooking.
Although I appeared to keep myself busy with cooking for us, I still stole glances at her and was fully aware of her eyes following my every move. All this felt so great that it left me craving for more.
I never thought I would be able to find love let alone a love at first sight...but she does things to me and my heart and head that never happened and not to mention my body. It doesn’t hurt that she unknowingly or knowingly seems to return my feelings too. Events of this day and last night may not seem too important to many but they helped me figure out my feelings and to come to a conclusion that no matter what I’ll play at everything to make her mine and keep her happy, safe and protected at all costs.
Eating here with her like I am now made me feel something I never felt...it took away the loneliness I never even knew existed inside me and filled me with a warmth I never knew I craved. Sure these feelings were too much and so was the risk of getting hurt...but what businessman would I be if I get afraid to risk it all...this warmth, companionship and these feelings and happiness that her smile brings...being able to eat with her here in my home comfortably is what I want to have forever. She is what I want to have forever...
But then she speaks and I feel myself being dragged back to reality...