The roller coaster named life

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Conflicts

My ceiling is of pale yellow in colour have approximately 36 stains. I think I may have missed one or two while counting but still close enough. Now coming to think of it how did my ceiling even managed to get stained? My door’s wood is chipping off along the edges of hinges and the rubber footing from my door-stopper is just barely hanging there somehow still attached, the room is in a really bad condition and not to forget the broken window pane directly beside my bed, allowing unguarded entry to the cool air making up for my lack of proper air-conditioning. Nonetheless, I have meticulously tried to cover it with one of my old paintings, but there is only so much it could do.

Lying in my bed now even after almost two hours of Zachary dropping me off home, and even after being so tired to be able to doze off earlier in his car. The sleep seems to have been playing a very hard game of hide and seek with me, for here I lie awake trying to focus on everything in my range of vision just to keep my thoughts at bay and to try and get at least some hours of sleep to not have visible bags under my eyes tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a day that will mark a new beginning for me and turn my life towards the direction of the path to my desired destination.

But no matter how my I try, now that I am finally alone and here with the luxury of privacy of my own home and in the comfort of my bed, it feels as if suddenly I have split into two different persons who are constantly arguing in the form of thoughts. My mind is filled to the brim and now that I hark back to everything and especially Zachary Knight and his behaviour, I find myself at the point of an inner battle and utterly confused.


Confused as to why did he behave as he did?

Confused as to why did he save and help me?

Confused as to why did he comfort me and held me?

Confused as to why did I behave the way I did with him?

Confused as to why did I trust him enough in such a short time to feel like this ?

Why and what was I even feeling?

What should I do...How do I behave now tomorrow?


My mind was filled with such questions and I had no answers to them. Earlier Zachary had behaved as if he cares for me and had made me feel so comfortable that all of a sudden I was back to being like a high school girl with a silly crush, giggling and blushing.

This obviously did not cross my mind as to how I was behaving all throughout the day, but as I lay awake here at my bed with no one else to accompany but my own thoughts and musings that everything has suddenly come back to haunt my mind effectively giving rise to conflicts of opinions with my own self and truckloads of confusions.

When at one hand my heart stupidly wants to believe that Zachary was feeling the same attraction towards me as was I, hence, him being all caring and comforting. Dropping me back to my home after my shift at the Kafila, saving me from possibly getting raped and then helping with the police report and comforting me during my panic attack and otherwise too.

But at the same time my mind clearly also knows that this all may very well be a general act of kindness for what good respectable man like himself will let a girl get raped by a drunk man and not do something. Moreover the state he found me in the next morning, clutching onto his door-knob with a panic attack and all. The comforting and care that followed may very well be the pity that he took on a helpless looking girl like me.

Not to mention that I am to be his employee too now and he may have felt some sort of duty to actually help with police reports...

“Yes! This has to be it. It must be pity and sympathy that he felt.” - I muttered out aloud to myself, my mind finally finding sense.

In the end finally, the mind won and I decided to rule it all out as his kindness for there were high chances of subjecting myself to possible hurt had I gone with my heart for now. I may not have given up on love but I certainly know better now than to trust people so easily and let them in. Going with my heart would lead me to get my hopes up and believe in things that might not be true and I don’t have it in me to break further. So I must shield my heart and think and follow only my brain. At least until I do know him, and if what my heart believes is true then he must earn my trust and show me that himself, clearly, that he is in fact attracted to me.

For what it is worth I may even end up getting over this infatuation myself in due time and this might all turn out to be nothing.

Moreover, Zachary is my boss, a multi-billionaire extremely successful man. He is everything I am not and therefore well out of my league. How could I even start to convince myself of the absurdity my heart believes to be true? It is just not something that happens in real life too much and my life has been nothing short of a horror story until now and I absolutely refuse to make it any worse by being tagged as the personal assistant that thought she could be with the boss.

As soon as this crossed my mind I sat up with a jerk for it was now final that I’ll be the perfect personal assistant there is and keep nothing but professionalism in my mind. I will shield my heart with the best armor there is and will just go with the flow of life regarding it but in no case will I trust Zachary or anyone else without having them earn it.

I had gotten this job for making a better life for myself not to get myself even more broken so that is what I will do. If I have no hopes no will be able to crush them too.

With determination shining in my tired eyes and finalization in me regarding my decision, I finally felt at peace and was able to catch at least some shut-eye before having to step into the shining corporate world determined to earn myself a spot and only progress from here onwards.

For tomorrow will mark a new journey for me that I am very much committed to doing all just and in my power, that it takes to make my life better.

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