Talking, expressing feelings, sharing thoughts... actions that come across as rather simple and easy to most, but they are something that requires almost a whole day of pep-talk for me.
Trusting anyone even the slightest bit is something I don't think I'll ever be able to do again. I may be known as a self-made, ruthless, cold and extremely successful billionaire, but that is the only thing I am left now for the world to see. The confident, calm and collected businessman Zachary Knight, may have been able to fool everyone, but my heart knows how much it aches, and wants to live again, to be loved and cared for again.
Many may think that trust issues, heartache, tears, emotions, and likes are the forte of women alone, but are they really?
The first couple times, I came across Amyra and the infatuation I felt towards her, maybe just that... mere infatuation, but what do I name the sudden feeling of protectiveness that rained over me when I found her on the brink of being raped, the pain that tugged my heart when I saw how broken she was, the instinct to save her, the beats my heart skipped when she laughed and the smile that curved my lips when she smiled?
I may have been in love before, or so I thought then, but these feelings I felt for Amyra were profound and stronger than anything I have ever felt before. To love someone, after knowing them for such a short period of time and when you yourself are broken by love too, is that something I could do?
My mind was boggled with thoughts and questions, but even with all these insecurities present, one thing that was clear to me was, I owe to myself, to at least try and give this a chance. At a minimum take a day at a time and see where this leads, were the thoughts rushing through my mind constantly, and my heart agreed, so, who was I to deny?
These thoughts gained even more strength with the dinner last night. I had been able to ask her finally or rather order, after practising for an hour and a half in my office, and even then ended up blurting out entirely different thing then what I thought of.
However, soon I found myself laughing and speaking so freely as if all of a sudden everything went back to how it used to be eight years ago. It was as if she was the bond I always wanted to get myself back together, but what caused me even happier was that even she seemed genuinely happy, her eyes sparkled and her face lit up.
Seemed as if we both were the missing pieces of each other's puzzles, that we ourselves were not aware, we wanted so badly, rather needed.
Friendship may not be all that my heart wished for with her, but it sure was the stepping stone into the path we will hopefully lead together sooner rather than later. Even with the fear and apprehension in my mind that this will all be somehow taken away again, I was happy to the point where my happiness overruled the apprehension, and for the first time in years, when the businessman Zachary Knight appeared with the first step in this office, the curl of my lips remained.
But as all good meets its doom, so did my new found happiness. When an employee of my own whisked her away for lunch, right before my eyes. The same lunch, I was there to ask her to.
In a mere matter of couple seconds, my emotions range went from stunned to shocked, to angry, to frustrated and finally settled with a side of its all-time favourite insecure.
My mind suddenly went into overdrive and questions upon questions popped...
Who the hell was this man?
Was he her Boyfriend?
But she denied having any last night.- my subconscious said.
So, was this her crush?
But he could be a friend to - came the reply again.
Should I fire him?...of course I should, but will she despise me for that?
Did she not like my company or me ?
Will she always want to remain only a friend with me?
Does she even consider me good enough?
Thoughts and questions kept running through my mind, driving me to point of tears, when the thought of losing her friendship even came, and with that came the realization of the wet streak running down my cheek now, and flooded my brain was, with the thoughts of me being not strong enough to even stand this...but what do I do about this ache in my heart?
With a broken frame, courtesy my anger and now freshly washed face, after sitting down idly, to calm myself down my vision reached the corner of my desktop's screen. The time told, Amyra must be returning any time now. However, I was nowhere ready to face her as of now, so deciding to do the only thing that came to my mind at the moment, I reached for the drawer in my desk, pulling out a sticky note-pad.
Had to rush home due to an emergency, please reschedule all of today's meetings.
The note seemed fine and appropriate, so taking it along, I went out of my office, I would stick it on her desk and just go home. I need to rest and be alone, was all going through my mind.
But that was I saw Amyra rushing towards stair-case, and everything left my mind. With the note still clutched in my hand, I rushed after her, panicking yet again for her well being. Although, what reached my ears, was something that was capable of sending my heart beats into frenzy and mind into over drive yet again but for a whole another reason. There stood Amyra, with her phone to her ear, talking in a voice barely enough for me to make out her words, from the one sided conversation.
"No! I am telling you, Lana definitely has feelings for him..."- she said into the phone with a small giggle, but soon blush covered her face.
"ugh! Katty, you know me so well, and yet you go on with this!"
"okay now hush! and just tell me how the hell does I even ask him for dinner... what if he thinks of me as desperate or that I am a gold digger or what if... " - she spoke with a worried expression, but was apparently cut in middle. However, the thought of her seeking someone else was already working its way through my mind, cutting chunks of my sanity along.
"KATTYY!! Zachary is my boss, he may be my friend too but he still is my boss... I can't straight up go and tell him that, Hey, I can't stop thinking about you. So, let's go on a date. I am telling you he'll run for the hills..." - she spoke suddenly flustered, but her words were the only thing that registered in my brain, and my heart stilled, the vial of happiness breaking inside me, filling me up with radiating joy.
"Argh! Are you going to help me or not!? you mine and his wedding later, but for now HELP ME, woman!" - came the voice again, however, this time it also brought my smile again, as I knew it was me she wanted to pursue and the smile on her face lit up mine too.
As if suddenly, everything clicked back into the place and I found myself making my way back to my office, chucking apart the note into the trash. Beaming again with joy, laughing at myself for my thought process from earlier today.
When will the day end... became the sole thought in my mind as my eyes remained constantly locked with the ticking clock.