All suited up in a slate grey suit, fingers tangled in hair. I stood impatiently waiting at the curb, for the woman of my dreams to come out. Trying desperately to keep myself together, to not turn back and leave, as if nothing ever happened.
It must have been a nominal two minutes at the most of my wait and yet it feels like a whole eternity.
All sorts of thoughts running through my mind, playing with my emotions and practically throwing dirt on the already mountain high grave of my confidence. All my nervous habits fighting under the skin to burst out, no matter how I looked on the outside. This was one of the moments, I felt grateful for my profession and its gifts of being able to mask my emotions and inner turmoil.
The feeling of dread you get, the uneasiness and anxiety you feel when you are about to do something completely out of your comfort zone, something you know you need to do but the more you realize this, the more your heart sinks. This was something I have not yet felt truly until this very moment.
There are things that require an enormous amount of courage and time to pull yourself together and still even after all the pep talks and preparations you may still not feel ready and might have to resort to ripping it off like a band-aid. Talking about my past and family is one of such things in my life.
Past is something everyone has whether good or bad, however, the effects it has on people are always unique and contributes to what and how you are enormously. I am no different but a mere creature of feelings… which is why it affects me when the direction of conversations drifts towards my family, or when the events from my past find mention. It is not that I am ashamed of it but rather terrified, for the more I think or talk about it the more it feels to be set in stone of reality.
These topics could be avoided as long as I wish, but when it comes to forming new relations I wish to retain forever, should I really keep them in wraps?
The way my heart beats for Amyra and the way my brain goes all mushy surely is a terrifying thing, and it still feels the best state to be in. The thoughts about her always drift to her being a permanent fixture in my life and not just in the form of my PA.
The incessant need to be one with her at a level much beyond the physical one and the desire to be hers and make her mine, to be accepted by her whole-heartedly and in all manner is what I think lead me to this today. Dressing up in one of my finest suits and making sure everything is sparkling clean, from my house’s floors to my favourite car I plan on taking today.
My mind wandering in the dark corners of the maze made by my own overthinking self, going on and on with questions, I know I can’t find answers to on my own. However, everything ceased and all my demons banished as soon as she stepped out of the building, dressed up in a flowing white dress, glowing like a goddess.
The smile on her face so calm and contagious, that it drained me of all my worries and chased all my dark, destructive thoughts away, resulting in a curl to my lips too.
In a matter of merely two steps, she was in my embrace, my lips found hers and soon all my worries disappeared, leaving me behind feeling nothing but content.
“Hey” - came a dainty, feeble voice dripping with innocence, forcing my eyes to focus on its source. The redness of her cheeks and eyes unable to rest on me, filled my heart with a warmth so very welcomed.
“Hi, darling. You’re looking gorgeous.” - I said, my voice soft and face ready to be split in half with the ear to ear smile I was sporting unknowingly.
“You are looking good too…” - came her reply, with the blush rising even more, as her eyes made contact with mine and stayed there.
“Oh! Am I now?” - one of my eyebrows raised at this, my arms around her pulling her into me a bit more.
“Of course you do! I love how this suit looks on you and how much this defines your muscles even more… like it is making you look so extra ...extra manly today! You know! And then there is something different about you today, I dunno what but… Oh! And you’re smelling so good too, and…” - she instantly transformed from a nervous shy lady to the babbling Amy as she started to talk so animatedly about how I look, right in my arms… making my heart soar and happiness rich new levels. However, was cut off by my laughter as I couldn’t hold my happiness anymore.
“Thanks love.” - I said, still laughing but kissing her redder than beetroot cheeks as she hid her face into my chest.
As much as content I feel with her in my arms, seemingly in love and so happy, I knew we needed to go and get everything over with if we wanted our new start. So, I spoke after a moment or two…
“Love, I think we should go now… you ready to leave?”
And the next moment we were in my car, with me driving and her beside me. All my thoughts and demons started knocking at the doors again, leading my free hand to unknowingly find Amyra’s, as we drove down the road. My heart skipping with joy, as she intertwined our fingers together and held our joint hands close to her after she left a kiss on my fingers.
We were soon parked in my garage, and I decidedly shut my brain down at this moment, leaving everything on fate. Rounding to her side I pulled her door open myself, as she too stepped out holding onto my out-stretched hand.
Heading on to the door leading to the main house from the garage, I opened it and we made our way to drawing room still in complete silence but still comfortable with just each other’s company. Yet my mind wandering into the thoughts and what-ifs, to the point where I started feeling as if I am a breath away from a breakdown or anxiety attack.
The lump in my throat increased as we reached the doorway of the drawing room, my eyes trained on Amyra trying to gauge her reactions and emotions from her facial expressions.
Her face turned confused as soon as her eyes roamed inside the room, focusing on the floor on the left corner and its occupant. The woman in the black dress, accompanying him left with a nod towards me which I ignored but was caught by him, as he turned around facing us. His face lightening up with a smile so big, eyes widening as he made his way towards us.