The demons from my past
Bawling my eyes out like a baby was never a part of the plan, though it was also something I knew would happen but the tears being happy ones were never what I expected even in my most hopeful fantasies. To say I was apprehensive about how Amy will react would be an understatement, but the way she reacted made me even surer of the feelings for her, gave me hopes of being the person I once was, everything that I now pose to be, everything that I once was and most importantly the happiness this woman has bought back to me saw the hopes of being permanent now.
So here I sit, holding Amyra in my lap, crushing her into my chest.
My heart giddy and relaxed that she is still here and plans on staying.
“So... you ready to tell me now...?” - came her soft and caressing voice, pulling me back to reality.
Pulling her away from me just enough to look into her eyes I smiled a little, kissing her softly on the forehead, words started flowing from my lips as if a dam erected for years was suddenly demolished, all the while our red, puffy and teary eyes stayed locked into one another’s.
“Six years back, I used to be what you could call a manwhore. Not that I used to sleep around much... but I also had no intentions of settling down, or any thoughts of love... at least not until I stumbled across her...
The shrill sound of my alarm woke me up, my head pounding with the massive hangover from last night. The light seeping through the crack in the curtains seemed to work as a laser beam right now as it aligned perfectly with my eyes. Turning to my side was only to shield my overly sensitive eyes from sunlight’s assault, but what awaited me there was something potent enough to shake all my sleep and haziness away.
There lying on her side, facing me was an angle so beautiful, I was mesmerised instantly with her again. It was then that the last night came flooding back to me.
As she stirred in her sleep, my memory stirred too... reminding me how she has been so confident, classy yet wild enough to instantly attract whole of male population’s attention in the club with me being no exception.
It was just a matter of time that we were sitting side by side with me ordering her a drink.
My thoughts running only in the direction of this night being a great one, of her being mine for this night only. This is how it always has been for me... no attachments, just mutual no-strings attached one night stands.
However, all that changed when we finally started talking. There was something in her that drew me in, commanded my sole attention and hooked me to her vibrant, cheeky yet classy personality instantly.
The imaginary strings of instant connection seemed to weave her with my being. She was the first in so many who genuinely intrigued me, gave my mind and heart sensations it never knew.
It is rather natural to lose track of drinks when the company is so good, but to say that I was the only one that felt so would be an understatement, for she seemed to be equally smitten.
It was now in the morning when I woke up with her curling up beside me, with only my sheets covering her golden skin, her hair forming a halo around her head on the pillow, that I felt my lips curling in a soft smile at the sight.
To say it was a good night would be an insult, as would it be to my attraction to the woman waking up beside me.
It might be the instant connection or the image she portrayed that instead of following my usual routine of sending my one night stands home first thing in the morning, I found myself asking her out for breakfast and then her number.
It might be the way she understood me or the way she seemed to always make time for me no matter what, that we soon started dating, leading me to my very first romantic relationship.
It might be the way her life seemed to have started revolving around me or the way she was just always there, that we moved in together, utterly in love or so I thought.
A year went in a matter of mere moments it felt. She was the one who taught me love, compassion and care, the one who made me realize the importance of family... but also turned out to be the one who in return snatched away my whole being and stripped me from everything that made me, me.
The life was exceptional with me my Leila. She had become my comfort zone, the one who I looked forward to come home to, since the moment I left the house.
Everything was so good, it felt as if I had everything, but everything seemed to multiply a hundred folds when all of a sudden a gift was given to us in the form of Leila’s pregnancy.
~flashback ends here~
By the time I reached the point of Leila’s pregnancy, my condition had deteriorated to a point of me being on the verge of hyper-ventilation. The emotions, flashbacks had successfully led me to the point where, I was once again transferred in to the past. Reliving everything, that started just as soon as I received the news that I believed was the best one I ever had received.
The oxygen seemed scarce, as I heaved, struggling to get some of it into my burning lungs. Saline streams flowing down my cheeks from my eyes, without me even realizing.
It was only when two dainty yet firm arms found their way around my shoulders and my nose got buried into the soft, floral smelling flesh of her neck’s crook, that I started calming down. Her steady pulse just below my nose tip somehow provided me with the stability and distraction I needed to bring my breaths in orders as I synchronized them both.
“You know, you don’t have to tell me everything right now... we can continue it later too, whenever you feel ready.” - she spoke up after I was considerably calm and as under control as I could have been.
Her soft caressing voice, dripping with concern for me made my lips lift up a little, with the realization that actually cares about me and my well being. However, this was not something I was willing to put aside any longer now, so, with another reassuring smile towards her I continued.
“No love, I am fine... let’s get this over with, Yeah?” - came my now hoarse voice, earning a nod and kiss on the cheek from her.
“I am here then” - she said with a tiny smile, maybe trying to encourage me. Taking a deep breath I started narrating her the story of my life again...
“Leila has become the heart and soul of not just me but my family too, now that she was pregnant with my child, or children as we found out later.
Everything seemed to be perfect, as if we were living a dream. We may not have had the most usual starting, or years of dating each other but when she gave me the news of her being pregnant , when I saw her waddling around the house with just a tiny bit of her stomach giving the proof of lives growing inside it, I knew I had fallen in love with her irrevocably.”
I stopped when I saw her face dulling on the mention of my first love, but could say nothing else than just hug her close to me once again. There seemed to be no words possibly available to explain to her how much her sullen expressions on the mention of me loving someone else, bothered me and delighted me at the same time. For this only ensured me even more that she does feel something for me, her being upset has always bothered me to the point of being restless to make her happy again, but this time the feeling was somewhat contradicted yet too much to say anything. Hence, we sat holding each other close, with her still being in my lap.
“Zach... What happened then?” - she called out in a mere whisper after a few moments passed.
“Then, when I became sure that Leila is the one I love and with the knowledge that we will soon be having kids, my heart urged for something I never thought it would. Everything felt right and I just wanted to seize the opportunity to make her mine, to start our own family and to take a step forward towards our happily ever after.
When we were 4 months pregnant, I decided to propose. On that day she had decided to go baby shopping with some of her friends, so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to set up for proposal.
With ring and flowers and what not I came home early, when I was sure that she had left, but what I actually found out was rather strange and something I never expected.
The moment I turned the corner to my home, I saw Leila getting inside a car with a man holding her door open, who then went in and they drove off, but what actually caught my attention was the outfit she was wearing. It was not something she ever wore her usual classy, sober clothes were traded for a just a set of lingerie and high heels. Her hair flowing and protruding belly showing with the signs of life inside it, with an over coat in one of her arms.
This was a sight I was not prepared to see, but even after clearly witnessing this my heart refused to believe and brain could make no sense, so I drove back to the office with a turmoil in both.
The only thing I could come up with to be able to understand anything was to ask her clearly... and so I did, but with the only answer being that I must have seen someone else.
I wanted to believe that I was mistaken and it was actually someone else whom I saw that day, but my mind won’t shut up for her face was still clear as day in my memory.”
I stopped to take a breath in and to give her some time to absorb, however she soon spoke.
“So she lied to you? What did you do then?” - she asked innocently, her head tilted to one side, tempting me to kiss away her frown which gave into.
“Yes, she lied... I found out when I noticed that this has not actually been the first time she went out somewhere else while pretending to be at some other place, but no matter how many times I asked, she either turned the topic around or just refused, after sometime I stopped asking or pointing out, for now she was nearing her delivery date and also that my love for her blinded me.
Everything was normal again, as we waited for our children to be born any day now... the nursery was designed, I built the cribs and painted the nursery on my own after endless tries, waiting patiently for our princes.
Then finally one fateful day when she delivered our two beautiful baby boys... my happiness had reached and crossed over the seven heavens. We were probably the happiest on this planet, with us two and my two little replicas, Kian and Xander.
I had decided to work from for the first two months, to be able to help Loren out and to spend as much time as possible with my two boys, but then the first day after those two months when I returned home, I was in for the biggest shock of my life...” - The rage, hurt and everything returned once again as I reached the most dreaded day of my life, the one I had tried to forget about everyday but is also the one that features in my nightmares every other day.
Soon there were palms on my cheeks, lifting my face up just a soft kiss was stolen from my lips, a reassuring and urging one. The one that brought me back to my senses again, from the deep dark pits of my past.
Looking deep into her emerald orbs, with new set of tears flowing from my red, swollen eyes, I answered her unasked question, in a voice barely above a whisper, - “I went to the nursery as soon as I got home, eager to meet my sons, but found just Kian sleeping peacefully in his crib... Xander, his twin was nowhere to be found... I thought he must be with Leila so I went looking for her in our room, but she too was nowhere to be seen. Panicked as I looked, I found nothing but a single two line note on the kitchen counter saying, - “Don’t try to track us, you won’t be able to, also I am taking Xander with me because I only need one of them. Bye forever.” and then, they were gone forever... I tried searching for them so much...” - my words slurred and being trembled, as I broke down heaving, sobbing and crying out loud with my head buried deep into the clutches of my past’s demons...