The Melody of Silence

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Letter 11

Letter #11

1 October 2002

Al,

Some random shit I never told you:

- The day I met you was the day my little brother, Jake, got adopted. I was at The Spot™ because I was upset because I fucked up everything about it. His adoptive parents were two gay guys. Probably really good dudes. I called them disgusting faggots and threatened to kill them. When my case worker tried to take Jake I punched her in the face. Because I was such a shithead, they wouldn’t let me visit Jake. Wouldn’t even tell me where he was. I guess there’s some kind of protection order or something. To this day, I have no idea what happened to my little brother. I try not to think about it, but I still wonder all the time if he’s happy and safe and stuff. My list of regrets isn’t exactly short, but that one is pretty goddamned persistent.

- Tom gave me a rock, too, like the one he gave you for your 12th birthday. He asked me not tell you because he thought you’d be sad he was sharing the Spot with me. Irony, huh? I gave it to my brother Ronny for safekeeping before they arrested me. He looked at me like I was batshit, but that kid would set his own hair on fire if I asked him to. If you find him and ask him I’m sure he’ll still have it. I love him but I’d rather you have it. He thinks it’s just a rock.

- I kind of like history. Don’t tell anyone. Especially not anyone we went to school with. God, what that would do to my reputation... The books are good, though. Not as fun to read as fiction, but still interesting. I know you’re studying physics and astronomy, so I’m going to try to get my hands on some textbooks. I think that’ll be harder stuff to learn than history, though, without an actual teacher. I think I’ll write down the stuff that I don’t get and ask you when you come visit. If you come visit. Please come visit, Al.

- You asked me about my real parents a few times, but I always blew you off and changed the subject. Sorry I was such an ass. It’s not that hard a question to answer, really, now that everything’s in perspective. Mom’s name is Jolene. She used to be a nurse, way way back when I was a baby. I dunno if she’s still alive. Maybe. She was pretty hardcore addicted to meth so I wouldn’t be surprised (or very upset, to be honest) if she ODd. I haven’t seen her since Jakey and I got pulled out, when I was ten. Dad’s name was Ralph. I don’t remember what he did for a living. Part time jobs, I think. Nothing steady. He was an abusive drunk. Died when I was eight.

- I missed a lot of nights at the spot, and you were always so fucking patient and forgiving even though I refused to tell you why. I think if I’m being honest, I realize that those secrets are probably contributing to your reluctance to listen to me now. You gave me a thousand chances to come clean about my life and I let them all pass me by. I hope, someday, you can forgive me for being such a fucking coward. I told myself at the time that I didn’t want all that bullshit to touch you, but the truth is I was scared shitless that it’d changed the way you look at me. You can look at me anyway you want, though, Alex. Pity, disgust, disappointment, I don’t really give a shit. Just please, baby, please look at me again.

Even now, I can’t tell you the full truth. Not because I don’t want to but because the guards read these letters (hey guys!) and my stupid sob story isn’t any of their business. When I get out, if you still want to know, I’ll tell you everything. Anything. I promise.

I love you. I miss you. A little bit more every day.

Nate

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