4 November 2002
I know I said I was glad you’re not reading these, but I was full of shit. I fucking need you, baby. I dunno how much longer I can take this. Deb comes and visits once a month, and my old boss Red came a week ago. That’s it, though. That’s all I’ve got from the outside world. I don’t even know what happened to all the other kids. Apparently me and my violent nature are a threat to their well-being so I’m not even allowed to call them. I have no idea if they ended up in okay homes...
I know I sound like a little bitch, but I’m so fucking alone in here it’s making me lose my mind. I feel like... I dunno, like I’m slipping. I guess I was always slipping a little bit. There’s this shitty violent part of me-- the part I got from my dad I think-- that’s always been vying for control. I usually kept it at bay okay, though. Between taking care of the kids and wanting to be good for you, I always had the motivation to tamp it down. I got in fights and shit but between you and me it was usually Tim I was fighting.
Now, though... I got nothing, sweetheart. The kids are gone. You’re gone. It’s like a slow eclipse. I’m just sitting here watching this dark shadow cover up the sun. Part of me wants to let it happen. I think this place would be easier to handle if I was a little... crueler, I guess? More remorseless? Right now, I’m trying to survive but I’m also trying to be good, or whatever. I’m trying not to do shit that you wouldn’t want me to. I think these fucks would respect me more if I stopped trying to broker peace at every turn, though. Gang members don’t really hanker for peace and brotherly love the way they oughta. Whodathunk?
I hope you crack soon and read these. I could use your advice. I know all I do is whine, but I’m losing myself, baby. I dunno how much longer I can hold out.
I love you. Please, read these. Please write. Please come visit.