Chapter 11: Shawn
“Hey Xavier, can we talk?” I call out from my bedroom the moment I see him walking past the door. He was most likely planning on going to his room.
I don’t get a response before the door creaks open just a bit more and Xavier’s face appears. He doesn’t look at me but I take a long and hard look at him, he’s still mad and frustrated for the shit that I’ve done which I understand. His face looks so worn from all this, so while our problems after-effects appear on his face, mine are deep on the inside and fairly shown.
“Can you sit?”
“Why?” he asks before I groan.
“I need to have a conversation with you since this bad blood shit doesn’t work with me and I sure as hell know it doesn’t work for you either. You’re angry, and I get that, but the silent treatment won’t help anything.”
“What do you want to say about it?” he gives before taking a seat at the foot of my bed.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Amaya and I splitting up along with the kiss that separated us to an extent. I shouldn’t have hidden it like that, but you need to understand that I was and still am hurting over it. It kills me to know that the girl I love has once again walked out on me and I’m powerless over it,” I say while looking into his cerulean eyes. Compassion meets his eyes as he stares at me.
“You have to believe me when I say that I do trust you. You’re one of the only people that I know I can still trust and have faith in. I was just too ashamed to admit to everything going on. When I saw her walk away from me that day I felt my heart being crushed down to dust. This whole thing is already hitting me hard, and you need to know that I was going to tell you.
“I just didn’t want to see the look on your face from that news.” My voice turns smaller than how Aaron’s was on the way to dropping him off at Cody’s just last week.
“What look?” he asks with an eyebrow raised.
“The look on your face that you get whenever you’re sad, it’s like looking at someone who’s been kicked when they’re already down. You got it when you found out Dad was gone for good and you got it the first time you found out about Amaya and I breaking up,” I say, now directing my stares to my hands.
“I couldn’t be the one to put that look on your face… not again,” I whisper while shaking my head.
“You shouldn’t have been worried about me like that. You’re going through a lot right now, and I’m going to be fine no matter what news you try throwing in my direction. Who cares if that look shows up on my face, it’ll never stay there long because you’re always able to make it go away,” he starts before placing a hand on my shoulder. “What I can’t handle is you hiding this from me and being so damn concerned for me when you have to worry about what this is doing to you, Aaron, and Amaya. That’s who you need to be focused on.”
I don’t say a word. My eyes stay trained on my hands in my lap as they begin to bunch themselves up into the legs of my sweatpants.
“Speaking of them, how did things go Monday?”
“Frustratingly decent,” I grumble out when the reason of why she won’t be with me comes to mind. It’s frustrating as hell actually and I want all of this to be over, but it won’t.
“What does that mean?” he asks with confusion shown through each of his words.
Xavier reclines back on my bed to make himself more comfortable. I feel my body shift at his change in position. I close my eyes and lay back while resting a hand over my eyes so that all I’m seeing is darkness.
“It means that we didn’t fight or anything which I don’t think we’d end up doing with Aaron being sick in the next room. We got to speaking to each other and let’s just say I’m more confused now than I ever was before.” I look to the pictures of her on my walls. “This one goes a whole hell of a lot further than just some dumb kiss and I don’t know if there is any fixing this.”
“Well how’s Aaron doing now?” he changes the subject to something I’m actually willing to discuss comfortably.
“He’s feeling better and is actually with Rachael or whatever since Amaya forced them to visit her grandma while she did something around the apartment. Jonah told me that much a few hours ago and now he’s at Alexis and Ace’s.”
“You know what that means?” he asks.
“I stay in my room and think about how much of a damn loner I am without her?” Xavier laughs and a soft smile appears on my face.
“No, you dumbass, it means you go over to the apartment and talk to your girl. You know the version that isn’t suitable for when the four-year-old is present or in the next room over. The point where you guys say the unfiltered version of whatever the hell you need to say.”
“What do you think I should say?”
“I couldn’t honestly tell you, but I know it should be you speaking from your heart and not trying to be the nice guy. You have tried being nice and have let her say all the things she felt the need to say, now it’s your turn. This is the time to come clean about everything… or you can say nothing at all and see where things lead…” he trails off at the end and I know exactly what he’s hinting at.
“There’s no way she’d-”
“The hell she wouldn’t. Don’t think I’m so stupid to the point that I wouldn’t know the two of you were screwing around with each other the last time the two of you were separated. I can almost guarantee that it happened twice and an attraction like that doesn’t just disappear.
“Whatever you and her do is between the two of you and nobody else, it’s not my business what goes down between you unless the two of you make it my business. Well actually, if you knock her up again then we’re all going to figure out what happened between you both,” Xavier says before I let out a small laugh.
“Okay fine, if Amaya was willing to do… that, I don’t think I want to. I know that as a guy so many people expect that to be one of the only things on my mind, but that’s barely on my mind when I’m with her. All I want right now is to hold her in my arms and talk about everything that has been going on which definitely isn’t asking for a lot in my opinion.”
“Then why are you here instead of trying to talk to her?” he asks the golden question while now leaning forward so he’s now sitting up. Xavier stares at me but doesn’t say anything else.
“Because I want nothing more than to bitch out of talking to her. If I go and speak to Amaya before finally figuring out that there is no hope for us any longer. That this is the end of the road when all I want to do is convince myself that we’re going to be okay… that Iris might still happen,” I find myself bringing up Iris who I never once spoke to anyone about, well anyone besides Aaron.
Xavier’s eyes lighten with a hint of curiosity as I notice his ears perk up just a bit too, just like a dog.
“Who’s Iris?” he almost says the name like it’s foreign.
“It’s the name that keeps coming back to me when I think of the possible chance of having a daughter. Aaron kinda helped me to come up with the name.” Xavier smirks at me.
“Yeah, and at first I didn’t like it, but it has grown on me over time,” I say while thinking back to the day Aaron brought it up.
Aaron and I sat in the living room watching an episode of the Flash from season three where Wally exposed the real reason for Barry proposing to Iris which in my opinion was kind of a dick move. I mean, I know what Barry did was wrong, but it is up to him if he wants to reveal the reason that he proposed, but then I can see the brotherly aspect too.
I wouldn’t want Xavier to do that to some girl, I’d want him to propose because he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but even then, it’s all still screwed up.
Each time Aaron and I would watch this episode Aaron would always say the same thing, “Wally…” he’d start whining at first, “that’s not cool, man. That’s messed up.”
Each time I would’ve responded with, “If I were to propose to your mommy for the wrong reasons, what would you say?” The first time he hadn’t said anything at all, but the second time around when Amaya was upstairs taking a nap and it was just Aaron and me, he gave me this side-eye that almost made me burst out laughing. It’s actually kinda cute if I’m being honest with myself.
Aaron hopped up from the couch before jumping into my lap; I caught him as I always will. His small index finger begins to poke me in the chest repeatedly as his eyes slowly narrow, and just like that, he’s looking like his mother.
“You love Mommy, right?” I immediately nodded. “Well, that’s all that matters, Daddy. Timing’s not always important, eventually, it would’ve happened.” I smiled at him with adoration and I can tell there’s love in my eyes.
I can’t believe I was so lucky to have a child-like him, no matter how young I was when Amaya and I had him.
“Well, what if-” Aaron throws his small hands over my mouth, just barely covering it fully.
“Riley said that I was a mistake just because you and Mommy are in high school,” Aaron’s voice sounds fragile as he collapses back into my arms. I hold him close while now rubbing his back.
“Who the hell is this Riley kid?” I was thinking I said it in my head but Aaron looks up to me with those big green watering. I hold him closer as I feel his arms wrap around me; it feels like he’s getting smaller.
“Some mean kid I met on the playground, he’s in the fourth grade.” Why the hell is it that the bigger kids never know how to leave the bigger kids alone? “I’m not fazed though,” Aaron said before wiping at his eyes. I continue to rub his back. “You and Mommy both love me, right?” A place a kiss on top of his head.
“That’s right, bud. We love you more than anything and that’s not about to change.”
“I know, and that’s my point, Daddy. Timing isn’t always important, things work themselves out. I’m here ’cause I’m meant to be here. It doesn’t matter if early or not,” Aaron’s voice was filled with wisdom far beyond his years.
“How’d you get so smart?” I had asked with a pearly smile before he tilts his head to the side and shrugs. I swipe his curls away from his face.
“I was born smart, I guess.” I let out a small laugh before he holds me tighter. “Maybe baby sister will be as smart as me.”
“Yeah, maybe she will be.”
“When are you guys gonna get sister?”
“She’ll happen whenever she happens, we’re not in a rush just yet,” I say before Aaron lets out an exasperated sigh.
“Okay, but when you have sister we should name her Iris,” Aaron suggests while I think about the name for just a few moments in silence.
I think the name is alright, but I’m not jumping at it.
“Mommy and I can see about that when we find ourselves in a position where we’ll need a name,” and with us, it’d probably be sooner rather than later if I’m being honest with myself.
Aaron nods before going dead silent as we go back to watching the Flash. Neither of us said another word.
“Y-Yeah, what’s up?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.
“I was asking you what you were thinking of for a middle, or if you had even come up with one yet,” he says before I nod and try to overlook the fact that I just zoned out into my old world, spending time with Aaron on that very couch downstairs. That living room has always been our favorite place to be together.
“It’s Jourdyn.” Xavier smiles at me before patting me on the back. “What can I say, I’ve always been a momma’s boy, and Mom has done so much for Amaya and I both. I know the both of them would approve of the middle name at least, but who knows about Iris?” I might never know if Amaya likes that name.
“If it does anything for you, I like that name.” I smile.
“You do, huh?”
“Yeah, I do, just didn’t know you were thinking about having another kid, man.” I don’t say a word. “You’ve been great with Aaron, and I know that if and when you have more you’re going to love them so much and be perfect with them.”
“No need to thank me, I’m just speaking my mind. Now if you don’t go and speak to Amaya, I swear to God I will bring her here to speak to you. Either way, you’re going to throw on your big man pants and speak to her,” Xavier says before jumping up from my bed and folding his arms over his chest. “Now make your choice, because if I have to get involved I’m going to make a fool out of myself, you and Amaya both know how bad I can get.”
Xavier holds a hand out for me to take. I take his hand before he pulls me up and towards him.
“Make your choice?”
“I-I guess I’m going to see her,” Xavier lets out a low laugh.
“I knew that’d be your choice, now get going. I’ll explain to Mom when she gets home that you went out,” he says before shoving me in the direction of my bedroom door. Xavier walks over to my closet and throws me my black letterman jacket with a PA on the side; he proceeds to chuck my pair of black Converse to me. “You aren’t about to talk to Amaya without looking decent first, because damn you look like shit.”
“Wow, thanks, bro.” My voice is laced with sarcasm as I shake my head.
“You’re lucky I’m helping you right now, I’ve got Dylan on speed dial and who could do a whole hell of a lot more than I can. Now stop complaining and change your clothes,” he grumbles out before going through my dresser and pulling out a black v-neck along with a pair of jeans; he tosses everything at me.
“Can you stop throwing things at me? How did you manage to forget that I have a broken arm?” I motion to my red cast.
“I didn’t forget that you had it, I just like to throw things at you. I always have, why do you think I picked up on football and basketball so quick?” I let out a small laugh as I pull off my shirt to change into the v-neck.
I quickly change into the rest of my clothes while Xavier sits back with a small smile.
“Ah, they grow up so fast,” Xavier swipes a fake tear from his eyes. “Seriously though, you need to go, you never know how long it’s going to be until everyone is back in that apartment and you lose your window of opportunity.”
“Maybe it’s best if I-”
“The hell it is, I can get Amaya here in fifteen minutes flat, doesn’t matter if you’re here or not. You are a grown-ass man, grow some balls and speak to her. If it’s not for you, do it for Aaron or at least that big heart of yours.” I look down at my hands before he throws an arm over my shoulders.
“I don’t want to get hurt anymore, especially not by her.”
“Damn man, I know it’s hard, but love is something that you shouldn’t ever be scared of taking a chance on. If you were scared of love then you and Amaya wouldn’t have been together in the first place, you took a chance, and you should continue to take chances until the day that you can’t,” he tells me before unraveling his arm from around me. “You want me to drop you off there?”
“No,” I say before walking over to my bed and reaching over to the nightstand to grab my car keys. “I’ve put on my big boy pants and I’m going to talk to her… and pray she doesn’t say anything too bad to me.”
“Good luck, Wonder Bear.”
“Don’t call me that, only she can,” I say in a small voice before forcing myself to walk out of my bedroom and down the stairs so I can get to my car. I sit in there for a minute or two while staring at the steering wheel. “Please don’t break me too bad, Wonder Woman,” I whisper before pulling out onto the road and driving in the direction of Amaya’s apartment complex with my heart pounding in my chest.
I wish we were back to just talking to each other and me having her in my arms while she laughed at something stupid that I ended up saying which was almost every word that would leave my mouth. I remember how she would kiss me whenever she thought I was talking too much, or when she would snuggle up into my arms as a nightmare would come through.
With each nightmare I would refuse to go to sleep until I knew that she was okay, each and every time I will always hold her close. I remember rocking her back and forth even when the two of us were separated the first time. I would always hold her, prove that I love her in every single motion.
When I’m with her, all I want to do is protect her and let her know every day how much she means to me.
I guess I haven’t been doing too good at that one since I’m sitting here all alone without my girl or my son. I just want them back more than anything.
My mind goes practically blank before I find myself right outside of that apartment complex, sitting in the parking space right beside Amaya’s motorcycle. I just stare at it and admire the way that the moonlight illuminates against the pretty sheen. It’d look better if Amaya was getting on it.
I shake my head before taking my keys out of the ignition and forcing myself to have the willpower to get out of my car. I adjust the letterman jacket around me as I take in the fresh air and palm trees around me. All of this is beautiful, but none of it jumps to me in the same way as it does when I see her and that smile that makes me go crazy.
Amaya alone makes me lose my damn head and I can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing just yet, but something about it makes me want to be with her more. She makes me wild in all the best ways.
“Damn me,” I groan out while shaking my nerves out and speed-walking into the apartment complex before I found myself wussing out. A man in his middle ages meets my eyes as he looks to me with his eyes kind and full of light. I remember his name is Kade from the day that they moved in here, he works security for the building.
Kade hands me a smile, revealing his dimples before giving me the clear to go up to Amaya’s place. A sigh of relief releases from deep within. Thank God she didn’t take me off the list of people that could just come in without being buzzed in.
I move over the elevator in the middle of the lobby before getting into it and pushing the button for the fifth floor. My foot taps on the ground impatiently as I wait for this elevator to stop on her floor. I swear this is the longest ride of my life. When the elevator finally stops I hop off and speed walk in the direction of her apartment. 5G.
I pace in the hallway for a minute before knocking on the door. “Coming!” Amaya’s voice calls from the other side. Shit. Shit. Dammit. Damn me. The door is pulled open to reveal her in my football jersey that stops mid-thigh. I love seeing my number on her. I can tell that my last name is on her back too.
I look her up and down as I take in those mile-long legs that are bare just like her feet as I could hear them when she was walking. By the hem of the jersey part of her skin was revealing enough that one shoulder is practically out. Damn, she’s still a sight to see.
That caramel-colored skin that I’d love to kiss all over. My brain goes haywire as I realize that the jersey might just be the only thing she’s wearing. I’m not able to stop myself from staring at every single bit of her body as I can feel the need to drool.
Is it wrong for me to want to stare? I don’t think it is since I haven’t seen much of her or had her touch me in such a long time. I’ve just got these needs that only she can give to me and it just hasn’t happened for me.
Why can’t I control myself? It’s a great question that I already happen to know the answer to. This is Amaya I’m looking at right now. She has always had the ability to control me and I know that won’t ever change.
Ever since we were kids I’ve had these undeniable feelings for her. Other girls were never able to grab my attention. I’ve always been in love with her; everything about her is perfect if you ask me. The way she walks, smiles, laughs, kisses me, holds my hand, makes me feel like with her around I can do anything. Amaya’s my Wonder Woman.
“Shawn… what are you doing here?” she asks with the shock apparent in her eyes. She follows my gaze before I close my eyes, trying to clear my head of all the dirty thoughts and things that I want to do to her right about now. “Aaron’s not here.” Something tells me she knows exactly why I’m here.
While I stand there I can hear the soft sound of Stay With Me by Sam Smith playing and notice just how ironic this is as that song was on the playlist the two of us made at the beginning of our relationship. As the years progressed we have placed more and more songs on the list that we look back at during our hard times.
“I know he’s not here, Jonah told me earlier. I came here to talk to you,” I tell her which is the whole-hearted truth.
I did come here to talk to her, but now I’m here and looking at her... talking, well that’s not exactly the only thing I want to do right now. Hell, talking barely makes the list at the moment, especially with her being in that jersey with practically nothing underneath it.
I am a man with needs, dammit. A hormonal teenager that hasn’t been touched in weeks. Even before everything went down with Bethany, the most we would end up doing is making out and occasionally groping each other. It’s not enough with a woman like her in your presence, especially standing in my jersey that looks far better on her than it ever has on me.
“What exactly do you need to talk to me about?” she asks while stepping to the side so I had enough space to move through the door. I’m surprised she let me in without a fight.
There’s this look in her eyes that makes me believe there’s something going on, but she doesn’t want to tell me. Why does each of her looks hide a deep and unreadable thought from me?
I can tell she wants to hide each of her emotions from me while she can read each of the ones coursing throughout my whole existence. It’s not like I’m trying to hide it much and each of the images in my head don’t make matters easier on me.
I move so I’m standing right in front of her and I find myself at a loss for words. There are so many words that want to come out of my mouth, but for some reason, I can’t come out and say what I need to say.
“I… you-” I cut myself off because there is really nothing more for me to say.
My head is moving a hundred miles an hour as I try to form a sentence to get out. She’s standing there watching every single movement I make. There is not a single chance that she didn’t see each stolen glance I’m trying so badly to keep hidden.
“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” I look away from her to now stare down at my hands as my cheeks become a deep crimson. “I’ve already seen you staring, Shawny, you can’t hide it now.”
I continue to force myself to look away and not stare at her bare and exposed skin that I yearn for. It’s not funny how much my hand aches to reach out and pull her to me as I hope she feels that same exact way. That desire to touch her seems to become bigger as she just stands there… watching me closer than she already was.
Damn it’s hard being this way with her. We were so close, inseparable even. This is what I get for being a dumb ass and playing Mr. Nice Guy. I get to lose the love of my life and mother to my child. The one person I need the most was taken away from me not because I kissed Bethany, but because she’s scared. All of this is just some bullshit if you ask me.
“Why are you acting so weird?”
“Well, we haven’t really spoken since the other day when Aaron was sick and now I’m standing here and you are wearing that…” I refuse to look into those stormy eyes as they’ll drag me in and won’t ever let me go.
I can feel this internal battle going through my head as I force myself to plant my feet on the ground and not get closer to her so I could kiss her. Kissing her has always been the way I would tell her what is going through my head when words can’t cover everything or I'm not able to understand what’s going on with me. Whenever I wasn’t able to figure it out she was able to.
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” her voice turns to the defensive side before I look up to her and see as she wraps her arms around herself.
Why can’t I say anything right anymore? I bite down on my lip as my eyes slowly scan over each of her curves. If only she was between me and a wall. I lick my lips to give them just a bit of moisturization.
“There’s not a single thing wrong with what you’re wearing, I have never said there was something wrong with it. It’s definitely not wrong, it’s so damn right but it makes this feeling course through my veins that makes my heartache. I love when you wear my shirts; I think it’s sexy but I also know that I want to do so many things to you that I know I shouldn’t… but those feeling makes me feel right. You make me feel right.” My voice becomes raspy.
Amaya takes a deep breath before biting down on her lip. Fuuuck me. This isn’t fair that she just naturally bites down on those kissable lips and make these thoughts become even stronger than they already are along with occurring that much more.
“Shawn,” her voice has this warning quality to it as she slowly looks me over. She wants me too.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help it.” I’m not sorry at all. “You do so much to me without even noticing that you’re doing it and I can’t hide it from anyone. We both know I’m not the only one who has those thoughts running through their head. I need and want you so damn bad that you’ll never realize how much the need is there. It’s always been that way.” I fight the urge to place a hand on her cheek.
“Look at we’ve become, Amaya, things only continue to become more and more complicated but I’m sure that I love these feelings that I get inside when I’m around you. I know you can sense what they are… so tell me what they are, we’ve always been able to read each other like open books. You know I can see exactly what you’re feeling right now?” Amaya closes her eyes as tightly as she can while turning her head away from me, most likely not able to stare into my eyes anymore.
She doesn’t want me to be able to see each of the emotions she’s fighting off, the most noticeable one being that she wants me.
“We’re not doing this,” Amaya whispers. Her voice is shaky as she tries convincing herself that that’s actually what she wants.
“Don’t I get a say in any of this? All I want is my girl back, what do I have to do to have you back, Love?” I barely even recognize my voice as it’s too weak and fragile compared to my usual happy tone.
Desperation is the only thing stopping me from attempting to pull her into my arms and kissing her though I want it more than anything. I need to know I have her back before I end up going back down the road of secret makeouts, sadness, and partial pleasuring.
I feel like I’m about to burst in every way possible as I just stare down at her even though it’s obvious that she’s trying to hide away from my prying eyes. We both know good and damn well that she won’t be escaping them. I’m just that good.
“Can you please just go, you’re only making this harder. The two of us just aren’t meant to happen,” she chokes the last part out making it known to me just how hard it is for those words to come out. My heart breaks more than ever as the words ring through my ears.
She doesn’t actually believe that, I try convincing myself, but maybe she does… maybe she’s done with me. My eyes close tightly at the thought as I step away from her before blinking away the tears that are fighting to be released.
“I want to believe that you don’t mean it, but I’m too damn convinced that you do. You’re done with me just like Dad and everyone else,” I shake my head, “I believed that you’d be the one to stay.” I let out a heartbroken laugh and close my eyes at the twinge of pain in my chest. “Tell Aaron I said hi,” I say before moving towards the door. So much for talking things out.
She’s done with me, and maybe, just maybe I should be finding a way to be done too. I can’t move forward with the monkey of a hopeless love on my back. It would just hurt me too much to see her strutting down the halls of school with a line of guys that have wanted her for years. She could end up dating one of them while I would be off to the side watching her be happy with them.
Each time they’re together with me around that would mean me trying not to break every single bone in the man’s body as he wraps his arms around her or discreetly tries to place a hand on her thigh under the table.
I know good and damn well I wouldn’t allow him anywhere near my son either. If he ever tucked Aaron in I’d be ready to throw some hands. He’s mine and Amaya’s, the two of them are mine and not for anyone else.
Amaya’s my MILF, nobody else’s, and Aaron is my son. That’s not changing.
These feelings of mine keep fucking me up in the end, but it seems like I’m gonna keep going through that pain for just a bit longer. In the end, I would take all the pain that my body can handle to be with her, and even now with her having me question everything now.
“I’m not like your father,” Amaya’s voice is firm before I turn on the balls of my feet quicker than the Flash. I stalk up to her with my eyes narrowed, determination sets in my eyes as it’s always there when I’m in the middle of a football game and trying to get the ball away from the other side.
Amaya backs away from me and continues to do so until her back hits a wall, I make it so there’s about an inch between our faces.
Those eyes are hard and dark, revealing every bit of ferocity that once was hidden. So damn beautiful with that look. I can tell she wants to be top dog in this argument that is destined to break out in just a few moments but I’m not about to allow it. I’ve just got a lot of pent up aggression inside of me, this will be one of the rare moments when she won’t be able to control me.
Not with those smokey eyes and the fact that there’s only a bit of fabric between her body and my own that could be out of the way in less than thirty seconds if this cast wasn’t on my arm, but a minute with it on.
“I would seem like you are,” I practically growl out. “The only real difference between the two of you is that I had already thought he was going to leave me. I knew it for so damn long, but with you… I just didn’t think you’d be gone once again.
“Now this is the second time that you go and break my heart when I can’t do anything to stop you. I can’t stop loving you, Amaya, I have tried for so long to get you out of my head when all I want to do is have you for the rest of my life. I’m never getting over you. You’re always on my mind and now you’re leaving all over again. It just hurts me more and more each time it happens,” I force out while having an eternal battle with myself as I fight the need to touch her.
I hate this so damn much. I want to crawl up into a ball and allow my tears to stream down my cheeks, but I don’t want to do it here.
“I never left.” I shake my head, running my hand through my hair with the arm that has the cast while the other is on the wall, keeping Amaya in place. My chest is also against hers so it’s not like there is anywhere that she could go. She stares up at me.
“That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard and we promised not to do that anymore. I want to know why you can’t speak to me unless Aaron wants to speak to me. You barely answer my calls, so as I said, you left me and it hurt too damn much.” I clear my throat as my tears finally fall; I pull my hand out of my hair to wipe them away.
Dammit, I didn’t want to cry in front of her again. Back when we were still together and even before we originally started dating, showing emotion was the easiest thing for us to do, and now, well now everything is awkward between us. There are so many emotions that I’m trying to suppress for the moment as I do exactly what Xavier told me to do, saying what I need to say and not being Mr. Nice Guy.
“It was never my intention to hurt you,” her voice is small as we look into each other’s eyes. Her voice sounds so sincere. “We can’t keep doing this to each other. I can’t keep doing this. You’re such a great guy and I’m saying it because it’s a hundred percent true. I just- the two of us keep getting hurt.”
She might be right about us getting hurt, her leaving hurts more than anything else. I just want her to sit and talk to me like we used to so we can fix these problems. We can fix things, I can try to ease her doubts. I can still have my girlfriend back and we can fall asleep together with Aaron between us again, I still want that, but does she?
Her hand begins to twist at the sides of my jersey, it rides up a bit more each time. Just a glimpse. I want to see more than just those legs and unforgettable eyes, plump lips that silently plead for me to kiss them.
“I’m alright with the pain as long as we work through things together. All of our good times outnumber the bad. With each hug, kiss, conversation, and even those dates that seemed to be so damn cringey but we always managed to find a way to make it better for each other. You always made it better,” I let out a sigh at the end of my mini-speech.
She looks to me before I finally give in and snake my arms around her waist; I watch as those eyes go wide. I don’t really care about that much since I know she’s comfortable with this hug, just as I am. If she doesn’t want the hug she can easily push me away.
It feels so right having her in my arms like this, even if this doesn’t last.
“You’re uh- you’re really close to me.” My heart lurches forward as I think back to the last time we spent alone time together.
“Maybe I like the idea of being this close to you. It feels too right to stop.” My voice becomes smaller as her breath becomes shaky. I lean forward, covering the small bit of distance between us.
The kiss is more towards the rougher side as I try to show her how desperate I really am without using words. There’s just too much within me at the moment that I just can’t let go of without kissing her.
This can’t be the last time we do this, I’ll be losing the better half of myself. I don’t want to just be connected by Aaron and the boys, that would drastically change the dynamics between us, hell it already has.
To my surprise, she doesn’t push me away but instead pulls me closer by fisting the collar of my letterman jacket. Her fingers slide up, first cupping my cheeks before moving up and to my curls so she can tug on them. I let out a groan, it’s been too long since I’ve felt her hands in my hair.
There’s a noticeable difference between this kiss than the others that we have shared. From her part, it’s almost like a goodbye while I try to convince her that it’s the opposite. She still believes we shouldn’t do this, but maybe I can change her mind, I hope I can change it.
I bring my hands to rest on her hips while she pulls at my bottom lip with her teeth, sucking it into her mouth. I grant her access to the inside of my mouth as I know that was her way of requesting it. It’s so easy to see that I’m in need of her.
So we stand there, practically mauling each other’s faces, by the time that we need air comes up I want to do nothing else but keep her because I don’t think she’s gonna kiss me again. Not any time soon.
“Please don’t go,” I whisper when she pulls away. I take in uneven breaths as I rest my forehead against her own. She looks up to me and all I can see is our years together which makes me want to hold her that much more.
“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. We’re too damn attached and our little kangaroo man needs you around.” I smile as she sighs and takes my hand into her own, our fingers perfectly intertwining with each other.
I lean forward just a bit so there’s barely any distance between our lips but I don’t connect them no matter how much I’d love to.
“And you don’t?” My voice is just above a whisper.
“Those words never once left my mouth, now did they?” I shake my head. “I have a distant type of need for you.” My air hitches as I stare down at her lips before I look up into that captivating storm of grey which I keep coming back to.
“Didn’t seem like distance was the first thing on your mind a minute ago.” Amaya sighs before looking me dead in the eyes and it’s almost as though we’re having a contest since neither of us blink at all.
I can only imagine what Aaron would say if he could see us right now.
“We aren’t doing this again. This isn’t about to be like last time either. No occasional makeouts or nights like sophomore prom.” I feel my cheeks turn red. “We need some literal distance between us. We’ll still be seeing each other around, and can work through things on a level to the point where we can still speak… but you need to understand that getting hurt doesn’t help anyone. I do love you and being a couple, but I’m done getting hurt.”
I understand her feelings and I respect them. Then again, I also don’t want to respect them since it kills me slowly to be without her. I hate when she avoids me and now that the breakup is getting to the point where we might never be a couple again. All of this is over something that I can’t change. I can’t change the fact that she loves me enough to be concerned for my safety, but that doesn’t mean she should’ve left me over that.
“Won’t it hurt more to not be with me? All I want to do is kiss you and those are going to be the only kisses that I want. When we would dance and wrap your arms around me. Those smiles and blushes that would come when we’d whisper stupid nothings into each other’s ears as you held my hand.” She looks away from me before I give her hand a squeeze and continue on with what I was saying.
“The moments where one of us would just randomly kiss the other. On those days where we would blow off class to just get some alone time because we needed it more than anything. I need all of it back, you and those moments were able to get me through so many complicated days; I can’t lose them or you,” I whisper the last part. Amaya glances down at our interlocked hands and all I want to know is what’s running through her head, but that look is back in her eyes.
“I told you that you wouldn’t,” she whispers before dropping my hands to instead go back to twisting my jersey that she wears like the goddess she is.
“I know what you told me, but you’ve left me before. Every day you saw me in the halls you’d only walk in the other direction. It really hurt. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about coming here to just hold you, kiss you… or go further. All those things mean a hell of a lot to me and you’ve seen me almost go insane over it.” I wrap an arm around her as I hold her close. She looks into my eyes, showing me how glassy hers are.
“Why do I keep screwing you up more?” Amaya looks down.
I bring my left index finger to her chin before forcing her to look me in the eye. Her eyes brim with tears as I bite down on my lip and bring my hand up to her cheek.
“Look, I’m alright… for now anyway, and whenever you need to talk I’m always going to be there for you. No matter if something pisses me off. You are my life, Amaya Santana. You and Aaron are everything, I love you so damn much,” I whisper before Amaya surprises the hell out of me and jumps into my arms. I let out a yelp as she places her lips back on my own. “Fuck,” I let out against her lips while pushing her back into the wall.
My brain refuses to work the right way as she wraps her legs around my waist. Holy shit. My head spins right around as her hands go to my jacket and she yanks it off which I help her with before she tosses it to the side.
I kick off my shoes as I make my way down the hall to her bedroom with her still in my arms as she holds me that much closer.
And she said the kiss wasn’t about to happen again. God am I grateful that that wasn’t true. I move over to the bed and sit with her still in my lap. She’s too damn perfect.
She pulls back for air while taking in these shaky and uneven bits of air. “What are we doing?” she asks while staring down at my lips. If she can stare at my lips, does that mean I can look over her body? I do it even though I don’t think she’d want me to before I rest my hands on her hips with a small smile.
“I was hoping you’d tell me. I like this, and you like this too. You’re the one that covered that distance right then. You wanted to kiss me in the same way that I wanted to do you, but at the moment kissing isn’t all I want to do. I just need you to know how much I love you,” I say while squeezing her hips.
She closes her eyes as I bring my head to her neck and begin to slowly kiss.” She lets out a feral growl while pulling me just a bit closer.
“Goddammit Shawn, why are you able to do this?” Amaya asks while dragging her fingers down my chest, her hands going to rest at the hem of my shirt and leaving them there. “I really can’t think straight right now.”
“You don’t need to think straight, hell, whenever I’m around you I can barely think straight,” I admit while staring into her eyes that look down at me with such love that I never want to disappear. “Listen to your heart. If you tell me you don’t want something I would stop. I need you to be alright every single thing I do, I can’t hurt you. Not again. I feel like all I do is fuck up when it comes to you.
“Being your boyfriend is among the list of things that I have done right. I can’t mess up anymore, and I don’t want you to look away from me when you’re scared that I’ll get hurt.” She nods before partially lifting my shirt up, I put my hands up to make it easier on her to take it off; she throws it in the corner. “I don’t know why I’m about to do this, or maybe I do, but I…” she trails off before resting her warm hands on my abs.
Amaya’s arms wrap around my neck as she sighs and plays with the curls near the nape of my neck.
“Baby, you don’t need to say anything, I know what you mean,” I say while slowly dragging my hands up the front of the jersey before moving my hands to the back so they rest at the small of her back. “You don’t need to explain anything to me.” Her cheeks turn a rosy color as she leans toward me a bit more. Thank you God for doing this for me.
“Shawn, you’re really sweet… but please shut up.” I smile before she pulls me close, her lips back on my own and it’s all so rough but yet loveful too and I wish I knew how to explain it better. All I know it that I want to savor the taste of her. I allow my hands to wander and glide freely as her hands weave through my hair and she starts tugging.
An involuntary moan escapes my lips as I flip us over so she’s now trapped between me and her bed.
I pull away while staring into her eyes to make sure she’s okay with this and that I’m not moving too fast. Her eyes don’t show any doubt but are instead telling me to keep going so I lift the jersey and toss it to the side.
She shivers as we stare into each other’s eyes even more than we were doing just a few moments ago. A new flame is lit within those eyes that make her that much more irresistible. This is the first time I’m seeing that look and when I say I like it that’s an understatement.
My hands move to rest on either side of her as I allow my desperation to be shown through each kiss. I want this to last forever.
This is my best friend in the world beneath me right now. She’s the woman that carried our son and brought him into this world which makes her that much more beautiful. Everything has to be perfect for her, she’s my love, the only woman that I’ve ever loved in this type of way and it’s gonna stay that way.
I nip at her neck while trailing kisses all over, working my way down her body. First her cheeks, then moving to her lips, neck, working at a sensual pace. Amaya’s legs wrap around my waist, pulling me that much closer.
“Mine,” I say against her hot skin.
“Shawn,” she says in an exasperated voice.
I feel myself fighting the urge to gulp; she wants this too… right now to be exact. I nod to her before she works off the rest of my clothes before tossing them to the side among all of our other discarded clothes. My eyes never leave her own as I do the same with her underwear.
The moment we’re bare against each other it’s like we’re lost in it all, or at least I am. All the thoughts of what’s been going on with us being released as I just focus on holding her as I move slow, steady, and ginger since I’m in no rush at all.
Each of the sad and lonely nights I’ve had feeling the pain of having Amaya be gone going away too. I can’t lose her again, she can’t leave me. I’m addicted to her and I know there’s no getting rid of that. She puts me on my all-time highs and lows with three simple words on each side. I love you or I am done.
By the time we’re done I find myself on a high as I run my fingers through her long locks. I can’t help but stare at her as she stares up at the ceiling with wide eyes and a holy shit look on her face. “You alright, Love?” Amaya bites down on her lip before nodding.
There she goes again lying to me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask with my face undoubtedly revealing how confused I am.
“I said I was fine,” she tells me with a bit of an attitude before turning to her side so I can’t see her face. I sigh while staring at her bare back as she raises the sheets over her chest so that they come up to her collarbone.
“I know you well enough to tell when you’re lying, so tell me, Amaya… please.” There’s nothing worse than when someone wants to hide what they’re feeling but can’t fully conceal it all the way so you can still see it. Whenever you ask them about it they just try to hide it all when it’s not going to happen. “Amaya,” I say her name with a bit of a draw. Her hand accidentally brushes up against my hip, only a few inches away from my crotch causing me to shudder towards her.
“Sorry,” she says in a small voice. “You won’t like anything I’ve got to say, Shawn…” Not again, please not again. “You’ve got to go.” My heart begins to ache. She’s trying to push me away again, I pull her to me, her head moves to rest on my chest.
“We shouldn’t have done this. We shouldn’t have done this,” she repeats over and over before sitting up and clutching the blankets to her chest. “You’ve really got to go, I’m being serious,” she says once I don’t make a single movement.
“I want to know why. You wanted to do this too, I wasn’t the only one. I made it very clear from the beginning that if you wanted to stop at any point I would’ve. You didn’t stop me… I don’t understand.” My voice is giving away every ounce of defeat that I feel. Just like that I’m at a low. I’m so confused. “You like it, Amaya, just admit it. It’s okay to like being with me, there wasn’t a problem with it in the past and there shouldn’t be one now. Please enlighten me on why you always have to push me away.” I can tell my pain is as detectable as I want it to be.
“I’ve told you already, I can’t have you getting hurt because of me. I can’t get you killed. If something ends up happening because you’re around me I’ll lose my shit. You already know it had nothing to do with Bethany kissing you though that hurt like a son of a bitch. That was a scared way out and I know that much, but I can’t look in a damn mirror and know that I’m constantly placing you in danger.
“Keeping you at arm’s length is me doing what’s best. It’s not that I don’t like what just happened in here, because God I really do, it felt so damn right and at the moment I’m hating how right it felt… but this can’t happen. Please, Shawn.” I take a deep breath before standing from her bed. I throw my boxers and jeans back on as my eyes look over to her one more time as she does the same with me.
I bend over to pick my shirt up off the floor as she stares at me, biting down on her bottom lip. I stand fully again before walking over to her bed and sitting down on the edge. I reach out and take her hand but she only pulls it away. I manage to get her hand back and place it on my cheek, leaning into it.
“Look at me,” I whisper.
“Dammit Amaya, please.” She looks to me with her eyes now teary. “You may do some things that I don’t like, this being an example, but don’t you ever say that we shouldn’t have done this. You know this was right. You loved each and every single one of those touches just like I did.
“You’re in love with me just as I am you. I know you say you’re doing this to protect me, but you need to think about the harm it does too.” Amaya sighs before I lean in for one last kiss before I pull back and shake my head; I stand up, removing her hand from my cheek in the process as I’m no longer holding onto it. “I’ve got something I need to do anyway.” Bullshit lies to make me feel better.
“Goodbye, Wonder Woman,” I whisper before walking out of the room and noticing that my shoes and varsity jacket are within ten feet of each other. I grab my shoes but leave the jacket behind before making my way out of the apartment complex with my head hanging down the whole time.
The moment I’m in my car I just start driving, but not in the direction of my house because I know all too well that Xaiver’s gonna ask me how things went and Mom might just ask me where I was. My heart already feels that much more broken than it was before I came here, I don’t want to relive things just yet.
Why does this keep happening to me?