Chapter 13: Amaya
I can’t stop thinking about it, about him. I shouldn’t have kissed him back when he kissed me, I shouldn’t have let myself get lost in each of his kisses like I always do. I want to convince myself that I didn’t like any of it, but I told him I did, and even if I didn’t tell him he could’ve figured that much out from the noises we both were making. To make it worse, I lead him on and gave him hope that there was a chance we could be together.
After a night like that, I could see why he was so hurt when I pushed him away and told him he had to leave. My heart was so against pushing him away, it still is, and my body, well my body is still trembling with the memories of his love.
It felt so right to be back in his arms again, but it wasn’t right, we shouldn’t have done anything. I shouldn’t have done anything. But I know why I did it in the same way that he probably knows too. I couldn’t get my mind off of him since he was here the last time before we did… this. Shawn is just undeniably intoxicating and is capable of making my head spin.
That moment I was caught between him and that wall I knew it was over. I couldn’t fight what my body wanted or what I so viciously needed, not even when my brain was telling me not to allow it to happen.
It didn’t help any that we were the only ones in the apartment and didn’t need to worry about getting caught or having to worry about anything else really. I take in a few deep breaths before deciding that I need to talk to someone about all the shit that just happened here which means I’m calling Charlie since, one, she’s the only girl I talk to beside occasionally Alexis, and two, because I’ve bonded with her. It’s funny since it usually takes a lot for me to warm up to people but Ace kinda broke that chain making it easier for me to let in others.
I try to convince myself not to think about what Shawn wanted to say to me earlier but he couldn’t say much. I wouldn’t allow him.
I take my phone off the nightstand beside my bed before unlocking it so I can call Charlie. I wait a few seconds before hearing Charlie say, “Hello.”
“Hey, Charlie, are you free to talk?” I ask into the phone. She moves around on the other line before letting out a small inhuman grunt.
“Of course. What do you need to talk to me about?” she asks, her voice small. “Go back to sleep, Cam,” she whispers to someone before I can hear the pitter-pattering of her feet.
I place the phone on speaker seeing that there isn’t anyone here that could possibly overhear the conversation.
I scroll through my messages to see a whole stream of them from Shawn along with five missed calls, but I don’t check to see if he left a message. I know he probably did. He usually does when I don't answer him.
“You know that thing I told you that I would never do again?” I ask.
“Depends, I remember there being like three things you said you wouldn’t do again and one of them you already did, that I know of, but please enlighten me on what you did and don’t leave out any details. I’ll be livid if you do,” Charlie’s voice lifts with clear excitement in her voice to hear what I have to say.
I bite down on the inside of my cheek. “I slept with Shawn.” Charlie lets out a gasp that sounds fake before a small laugh was heard. “It’s not funny, I don’t even fully understand how it happened-”
“Well, a woman and a man took off their clothes and-”
“That’s not the way I meant that, Charlie,” I practically whine out before she laughs again and apologizes. “He just showed up at my house and we talked a bit about some things that I just don’t remember-”
“He fucked the brains out you, huh?”
“Charlotte!” I scream out and I can just tell my neighbors are most likely pissed off at me, especially after earlier too.
“Okay, okay, sorry, continue.”
“After we kissed the first time he said and I quote, ‘whenever you need to talk I’m always going to be there for you. No matter if something pisses me off. You are my life, Amaya Santana. You and Aaron are everything, I love you so damn much.’ Now, what am I supposed to say to that?” Charlie doesn’t say a word. “That’s when I kissed him again and it’s like I couldn’t stop myself from letting my feelings out there, even if it was in the most intimate way ever. Things just led to something else, but I liked it, a whole fucking lot.”
Charlie awes on the other line and all I can think about is Shawn and how much I just hurt him.
I hope Shawn isn’t doing anything stupid.
“That’s really sweet, and it’s alright for you to like being intimate with Shawn, he’s the father to your son, is in love with you and you feel that same exact feeling. That feeling is so damn relatable.” She must’ve been in a similar situation. “I used to have a guy like Shawn, his name was Axel Mendoza, was the school bad boy that has been in his own situations before, but he was different when we were together. He didn’t look at other girls, at least not at first, and he used to be so sweet.” Charlie takes in a deep breath like there’s more that she’s thinking about telling me.
“Charlie, are you okay?”
“Now I’ve got a two-year-old by the guy that once rocked my world, but broke my heart in two.” My eyes go wider than I’ve ever felt them go before to the point where I think it’s possible they might pop out of their sockets.
“Wow, I didn’t know you were holding in that big of a secret.” She lets out a small laugh on the other line.
“I’m not the only one with that secret in school, you wouldn’t suspect the other person of being a parent either.” I wonder who she might be talking about but decide not to ask.
“So, what’s the name of your child?”
“Cameron, but I usually just call him Cam or Cammy.” I can practically hear the smile on her face if it makes any sense, it must be similar to the one I get when I talk about Aaron. There might even be a twinkle in her eyes too.
“That’s a nice name.”
“I think so, and so did his father, but that is totally not the point right now. You called me about you and Shawn getting down and dirty and I want to know what went down beside that small bit you told me earlier,” Charlie’s voice becomes just a bit brighter. I laugh before pulling the blankets up a bit higher over my chest though there’s still no one here to worry about seeing me like this. “When did this happen?”
“About half an hour before I called you.”
“Cool, cool. How’d it happen and start from the beginning as I told you before.” I smile before nodding to the empty air. “Come on, start talking Blondie, we haven’t got all night when you still have to talk to the pining Prince Charming.”
“First off, please don’t call me Blondie. Second, there won’t be any talking to the pining ‘Prince Charming’ any time soon. That would mean me having to admit to him what it meant to me, which would ultimately hurt him more,” I admit.
“Well, what did it mean to you?” she asks with her voice now shrinking down just a bit.
“An easier question to answer would be, what didn’t it mean? We haven’t had a time where it was that good before,” I disclose. “The number of times that we’ve been together and the time two weeks after we break-up is the best,” I shake my head. “Do you know how shitty that is?” Charlie laughs once again.
“Isn’t it always that way?”
“I don’t know, because I’ve only been with two single people and one of them was forced on me while Shawn and I have only done this once before this which was under completely separate circumstances. Tonight was different towards the both of us when it happened,” I say as parts of the night begin to replay in my head.
“How was it different for you and how do you think it was for him?”
The answer doesn’t come because the truth is, that’s a question that I still don’t have a full answer to. Could it be the way he kissed me as if he’d never be able to do it again? Or was is it that every touch of his made me want to beg for more against my brain’s wishes?
“He wanted us to be back together and mean more. It’s just- Shawn wants so much more than what I can give up. For once, those kisses felt like he was trying to latch onto me; they were slower and had more meaning in it than so many of the other kisses we’ve shared. And during everything, he was moving slower, like he wanted all of it to last forever,” I sigh out.
I begin to scroll through my gallery, almost all of my pictures are of Shawn, Aaron, or both of them together. My world’s surrounded around the two of them. That’s why I have to protect him. I can’t let him get hurt by anyone.
“Yeah, I guess it was sweet of him, but it was a lot to handle for me. Ugh, why can’t I be a regular teenager that has meaningless hook-ups? It’s just total shit, especially seeing that I’ve got an attachment to him in every way possible. Not to mention that every time we date I’m the one pushing him away, not the other way.”
I continue to look through the pictures, finding myself on the verge of tears when I stop on a picture of Shawn and I smiling, his arms wrapped around my waist as I sit in his lap, his lips on my cheek.
“You can’t blame yourself for what my sister did, alright? She’s the one that kissed Shawn over her little not so little obsession. And Shawn, well you know he was shocked and that’s why you broke up with him-” No it’s not. “I think you should give him another chance. It was a mistake and he’s sorry that everything happened to you guys, but from what I’ve heard, you got in some pretty good hits,” Charlie says before chuckling.
It’s funny how they’re sisters and she laughs about Bethany getting her ass handed to her.
“So you think it’s funny that I kicked your sister’s ass?” Charlie laughs once again, but this one lasts just a bit longer before she’s gasping for air. “You’re a terrible sister for that…” Not to mention kinda fucked up, but I’m not judging.
“No, I’m not. She’s been a shitty sister to me in the past, and even still, she had that coming to her. Shawn wasn’t for her to kiss and she sure as hell shouldn’t have insulted your mother either. That was wrong and she knew it, but she wanted to get under your skin and she knew your mom was a weak spot.
“Bethany isn’t completely heartless so she sure as hell wouldn’t breathe a word about Aaron, plus she knows I’d probably take a few swings on her too if she did,” Charlie grumbles out before I let out a laugh. “What? It’s not meant to be funny.”
“Well I don’t think anything is funny like that, but you did just say you’d kick your own sister’s ass.” Charlie laughs too before we’re both laughing and I find myself becoming that much more fucked up, but oh well.
“Damn, if I’m being honest, I’ve thought about kicking Ralph’s ass too. Sometimes he can be really stupid and annoying, but I wouldn’t. I love him too much, he’s always had my back whenever people wanted to talk their shit about my life and didn’t know a damn thing about it.” Now that right there is relatable, it’s like that with me and the boys.
It kinda takes me back to the days when our only problem was Shawn getting scared whenever we would be climbing up trees and doing things like that. He’ll never start liking trees. I shake my head, trying to get it clear of him. Why is he all that’s on my mind?
Even when we were just best friends, speaking to each other over the phone when it became too late for us to hang out with each other, he was the only thing I could think about. But what happens when we get together? I fuck it up and break-up with him twice when he time he’s begging me not to.
With the first break-up and the second, it’s the same story. I’m trying to protect him, and at first, it was against Derrick who is now out of the picture and leaving each of us alone, but now? Now I don’t know what I’m protecting him from, all I know is that when he’s with me something could go wrong and he could end up in danger. It doesn’t matter if I’m out of the gang business, what matters is that it doesn’t necessarily mean that those that you have pissed off in the past are going to just stay in the past.
Most of the time, it never stays in the past, it usually comes back to bite you in the ass. I don’t want that unchosen past to come and bite Shawn, but most people go after those that you love since it’s worse than anything else, especially when you know it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
When he stares into my eyes I can see all the pain in his eyes that I place there, but I want nothing more than to get rid of it. I want to have him hold me as I apologize for pushing him away, I can’t though.
Then there are those lustful looks he’ll give me and the shocking type of looks he doesn’t try to hide as he checks my body out from head to toe in the school hallways. I never say a word about it, but those eyes never leave my mind, especially when he looks like he could pounce on top of me at any moment.
“Have you ever felt the need to do that with Jonah?” Charlie’s voice fills with curiosity. I think about how Jonah used to act around Aaron before sighing out.
“Yeah, almost every time he used to look at Aaron, back in the days when we used to pretend that Aaron wasn’t mine. Jonah used to act like a douche around him, would shut down, he’s ended up glaring at him a few times too, but most of the time he’d keep what he thought to himself.” It’s the opposite of how he acts now with Aaron, so I guess things work out.
“I didn’t break-up with Shawn over the kiss with Bethany, that was more of a cover for me,” I admit to her before she makes an oh sound on the other line. “I- I don’t want to see Shawn get hurt, not again.”
“What are you talking about?” she asks me confused.
“I’m talking about how he ends up getting hurt when we’re together. The last time it was Derrick and this time I don’t know what it could be, but I have a feeling something’s gonna happen to him and I can’t let it. If taking myself out of the equation changes that, then I’m going to do just that.” I hear her take in shallow breaths.
“So you hurt him on an emotional level to stop him from getting physically hurt? I’m going to tell you the cold hard truth, that’s stupid. Love that man, stop pushing him away, because if you end up continuing this and something happens to him you’ll feel that much worse. Think about it for a bit.”
I stand from bed to grab my clothes off the ground and pull them back on.
“Tell me you don’t miss it, the easier times.” I take a deep breath before grabbing my phone and moving over to my bedroom mirror to see what Shawn’s full damage on me is. What I see is far more than I could’ve imagined.
On my neck is three dark purple hickeys, two on my right, one on my left and my hair looks like a hot-ass mess since his hands were working through it during the duration of the time that we made it to my room. He was so gentle but yet on the wild side too, his eyes rarely ever leaving my own.
I pull down the jersey just a bit, seeing another two hickeys, one on my collarbone and the other on the flesh of my right breast.
I try not to think about how perfect he was and how those piercing eyes kept making sure I was okay with everything he was doing, waiting for the moment I say I don’t want this anymore. That moment never once came though it would’ve been best if I did call quits, it would’ve saved him the ache.
My eyes don’t look the same as they now how this lustful, unspoken wish quality to them. I want Shawn back more than anything. I miss those eyes that would always be full of love and consideration when he’d look at me. I miss when he’d whisper stupid things in my ear when he notices the day going bad for me. I miss those times when we would randomly kiss each other in school. I just miss us being an us is general.
But I can’t tell him any of that, not if I don’t want him to come running to me, begging me to have me back more than he’s already done. To keep him safe, I can’t do that. I can consider letting him back into the twisted life that is being in a relationship with me, but I can’t let him in. I can’t put him in danger. Never again.
“Yeah, Charlie, I do miss the easier times. I miss having my best friend as my boyfriend which was the best thing because it meant he already knew everything to know about me and I knew he wasn’t silently judging me behind my back. Hell, I miss just holding his hand in my own everywhere we go because he would always want to touch me in some way.
“I miss going out on dates with him that usually went terribly wrong or were just too damn weird before we’d make some jokes about what happened and end up cracking up in the front seat of his car over it. That always made things better.
“I miss having Shawn and Aaron together every single day and not have to listen to Aaron’s questions about what is wrong with me and Shawn or how he’s asking why we don’t talk anymore. They always hit me so hard.” I feel this ache in my chest admitting everything to someone else, even if she’s so easy to talk to, but it feels good to tell someone these things.
I can’t exactly go to Mrs. Harper who I always talk to, but haven’t said a word to in the span of time of me and Shawn being separated. I wonder if she even knows about the break-up, if she did, I’d think she would call me and try to get my side of things.
And Mom and I, well that relationship is a bit strained though I hate to admit it. I don’t go to her when it’s about my feelings, but she did give me some good advice on the day she forced me through dinner with Bethany and her whole family.
“It would seem that Shawn isn’t the only pining lover. You should really talk to him,” Charlie suggests once again. I play with the hem of the jersey. “I’ve kinda got something that I need to confess and you can’t tell Shawn I told you because he’d be pissed.”
“What’d he do now?” I ask with a nervous smile.
“How’d you know he did something?”
“I know that boy more than almost everyone else in this world. When someone talks about something he’s done and he doesn’t want certain people to know, they use almost all the words you just used. So what did Wonder Bear do?” I ask before almost immediately catching the mistake when the question replays in my head. I crossed his names. I usually only call him one of my pet names when he’s around to hear it, I don’t know why I just said it now.
“Oh, he was asking- wait, did you just call him Wonder Bear?” she laughs out.
“I used to call him Mr. Bear because he’s kinda like my sexy teddy bear, act all mean around other people becoming a grizzly, but around me, Aaron, and others that he cares about he’s a big teddy bear. Even when he gets pissed with me, he’s not like how people imagine him to be.
“Then there’s the fact that recently I’ve been calling him Boy Wonder since he dressed up as Dick Grayson and Nightwing a few years ago. He wanted to hint at his feelings for me without saying a word since, once upon a time, he used to be shy. Now he’s a bit of a different story and I only found out about all this after the whole Derrick incident.” Charlie makes a sound from the back of her throat. Each memory begins to make its way back into my head, attacking me from different angles.
I yearn to have his warm hands back on my hips as he kisses me with such an urgency that my head isn’t able to process it or anything else really.
“You know, you guys are so damn hard to follow. You and Shawn are perfect for each other and I know what you’re trying to do, but that doesn’t mean just writing him off. Stop reminiscing of the past and start thinking of the future you could have with him. We only live once, Amaya, and right now you aren’t living. Shawn and you are in love and want a future with each other. I say go for it, stop thinking about consequences that you know you wouldn’t allow to happen and neither would he. Think about that.” Charlie practically parents me and I’m glad someone is giving me something that I know damn well is running through my head, but I can’t. I want to be with him and everything is pointing me in the direction of Shawn.
“Did Shawn just show up to talk to you, or did one of you call the other?” Charlie changes the subject.
“He just showed up. I kept saying that we shouldn’t do this, but then we did and it’s in my head.” Charlie doesn’t say anything for what feels like hours before letting out a small groan.
“Shawn’s been asking me to update him on anything going on with you, from a bad day, to you feeling done with everything going on around you. He only wants for you to be happy whether it be as your best friend or your boyfriend.
“Shawn falls apart more and more when you push him away, and half of the things you’ve just described to me, he’s told me them a dozen times. Well, he’s actually gone into a whole hell of a lot more details about every single thing you do.” I feel my cheeks heat up as I close my eyes tightly, only seeing Shawn with the dorky smile that comes on his face when he makes a joke about how High School Musical never made sense.
He’s always believed that Troy was just a brat complaining about his life as the basketball star and wanting to sing but was too scared of getting made fun of. I mean, I thought he was on the right track of mind with that… but any movie with Corbin Bleu or Zac Efron you could sign me in for in those days. Jump In was my favorite Disney movie when we were younger.
“Dammit, I know I fucked up, but please stop talking about how sweet Shawn is and how stupid I am for not staying with, or telling him how much I need him. What do you think I should do?” I ask while now moving over to my closet to grab a pair of leggings. Aaron’s going to be home sometime, and should I be putting on a turtle neck?
“How did Ross win over Rachel in the end or Barry win over Iris?” she huffs out.
“What’s up with everyone comparing Shawn and I’s relationship to TV shows?” I ask before grabbing some grey sweatpants instead since they’re on the top. I pull them on over my waist as I move back over to the mirror to run a brush through my hair. “Damn, this isn’t even hair anymore, it’s a mane,” I mumble out.
“Because it’s easier to follow relationships on TV than it is to follow yours,” Charlie says matter-of-factly. “That’s saying a whole hell of a lot when it comes from me. Now answer the question already.”
“Fine, damn. Rachel got knocked up with Ross’s baby, Emma, then after she turned one they hooked up once again when she was about to go to Paris. Rachel changed her mind, decided not to take the job offer, and went back to him. They got back together which I saw coming because, duh, and then everything was happy. The show ended with everyone meeting Chandler and Monica’s twins, the end,” I answer while still trying to pull my brush through the now tangled locks. I let out a grunt, but sigh in relief when the brush finally starts to go smoothly and not hurt as much.
“Seems a bit similar to your situation, don’t you think?”
“Don’t bullshit yourself, Ms. Wolff.” I let out a small laugh but don’t say anything. “Knew you’d agree, now how about Barry and Iris, you’ve had to have watched the show at least once. If it’s still Aaron’s favorite show and he’s as obsessed as you guys speak, then you should know the basic storyline to the show.”
I do. I know everything there is to know about that show and it wasn’t just because of Aaron, but it’s Shawn too. It used to be his favorite show in the world, then he watched it all the time with me and now Aaron, so I don’t think he’s all that much into it anymore. Shawn has held me in his arms and we watched through the show from season one to season four.
“In season one, Iris ended up with Iris who was her father’s partner in the CCPD until he ended up dying at the end of the season, but during that time, Barry was with Linda Park for a bit. Barry ended up dating Patty Spivot while Iris was single. Then at the end of the second season, Iris admitted to feeling something to him before they got together, partially, and he ran back in time to save his mother.” That pissed me off a bit though I know he loved his mom, even still, I was rooting for that relationship for such a long time and he erases that along with changing the lives of all those around him… I couldn’t with it.
“Well damn, you know a lot about the Flash.”
“Shawn liked to watch it all the time with me.”
“Alright, so you know more than the basics,” Charlie states. “Now what I suggest you do since you did ask me, is call that curly-haired, green-eyed lover of yours and tell him you need him. Say that you’re sorry and that you’re in love with him.”
“Mommy!” Aaron’s small voice meets my ears as he calls out to me before my bedroom door is pushed open, he rushes over to me with his arms holding Shawn’s varsity jacket over his head. “Mommy, help!”
“Charlie, I’m gonna call you tomorrow, alright?” Charlie responds back before I hear her click off the line. I move over to Aaron to pull the jacket off his head. Why did Shawn have to leave his jacket here? “¿Por qué dejó esto, Shawn?”
“When was Daddy here?” Aaron asks with an eyebrow raised. “And what’s that?” He points to my neck before I feel my cheeks turn bright red. “You get into a fight?” I lick my lips; I shake my head.
“It’s a different type of bruise, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t hurt or anything.”
“You sure, it doesn’t look all that good,” he says while still inspecting my neck; I nod to him before he shrugs and holds out a cherry Tootsie pop to me. “Can I eat it?” he asks hopefully, his eyes become bigger and light up.
“Tomorrow, I don’t need you jumping off the walls when it’s time to put you down, which is in ten minutes.” Aaron groans before I lift him up and toss him over my shoulder, his laughs now filling my ears. “Is Grandma still here?”
“Yup,” Mom says from the doorway. I look over to her before giving her a hug, even with Aaron’s butt in my face. “Hello to you too.”
“Hey Mom, I was just about to give him a bath so he can go to bed, but I want to thank you for taking him for the day. It gave me time to get things done around the place.” Mom nods to me as we begin to walk to Aaron’s room that he’s still only used twice.
“Did you choose which colleges you’re applying to?” That grabs Aaron’s attention. I begin to rummage through Aaron’s dresser to grab his Batman pajamas since both the Flash and Kid Flash ones are dirty and he’s been wanting to wear superhero pajamas a lot more as of lately.
“Well since the early applications are due in literally three weeks, I have decided that I’m going to apply to Stanford, Columbia University, NYU, UCLA, and finally Notre Dame de Namur. I don’t know if I’m wanting to go across the country, but I just thought I should apply just to apply. If I end up getting into one of the schools in New York I can think it over later.” Neither Aaron or Mom say anything and I guess they’re just processing or whatever, so I let them as I find the pajamas.
I take Aaron’s red towel that sits on top of the dresser before shutting it and moving to the bathroom with all of Aaron's things.
“I don’t want to move,” Aaron whispers once his feet are planted on the ground. I plug up the bathtub before running the water, making sure it’s warm enough for him.
I look to Aaron, his lips pursed as he stares back at me. I sigh, bringing a hand up to his face and swiping hair away. He needs yet another haircut. “It’s not definite, Kangaroo, I don’t even know if I want to up and move. I’m only applying so that it is an option if I decide that it’s something that I’ll like and I know you won’t be miserable. Okay?”
“I guess,” he grumbles out; I smile. That’s gonna be the most I get out of him. “How come Daddy didn’t stay and say hi?” I can feel Mom’s intense gaze on my back.
“He had to do something, but he wanted me to tell you that he loves you and will speak to you tomorrow.” Aaron nods. “Alright, now let’s get you in and out of this bed so you can go down for the night,” I say while helping him out of his clothes.
It takes him all of ten minutes to be done since I had to wash some dirt out of his hair that I hadn’t really noticed until seeing the back of his hair where it was clinging. Now he’s all clean though and I know it’s not gonna stay that way for long, but what can you do?
I brought him into his room thinking that it’s a good night to try and get him into his own bed, and to my surprise, he doesn’t fight me on it but instead lays down, tucking Brownie closer to his chest. I place a kiss on his forehead. A smile appears on my face when he dozes off almost immediately after.
“You want to tell me about that?” Mom asks while looking to my neck.
“Um, no, all I’m going to say is that it was Shawn.” I can see Mom biting her tongue like she wants to say something to me but doesn’t know if she should. I decide not to comment on it because if I’m meant to know, it’ll come out.
“I figured that much, but I stayed here to thank you.”
“Why?” I ask genuinely confused.
“Whether you realize it or not, you have given me a lot of advice that I’m going to use, it’s not always the mother that is teaching things, sometimes we learn things from our children too. At the moment, I’m thanking you for pushing me to speak to my parents and brother.” I smile at her before giving her a small hug.
“You don’t need to thank me for that. I know when people want to reach out, you wanted them back in your life and was scared to make a move on it, as they also felt.” She nods.
“I guess it’s time for me to ask you how it felt to meet the twins, huh?” I smile before letting go of her.
“It was weird for me at first, but then it was like I made a connection with them when we spoke a bit more. We each have some similarities between us and I was thinking that Jonah would’ve really liked to meet them if he wasn’t such a stubborn ass about going, they’ll meet eventually though.” Mom stares down at me like she’s trying to analyze my thoughts without asking a question, kinda like reading my mind but with feelings.
“And Josh?” she finally asks before I take a deep breath.
“I told him I was going to try to give him a chance. I want to do that. I have been open to both him and the twins about my history or which they accept and I’m glad about that, though I haven’t really been given the chance to update them on everything about the previous situation. All I know is that I’m gonna need an Excedrin after that conversation.” That and a damn therapist, but God knows I wouldn’t ever go to one of them. I deal with my shit like most people, bottle it up and shove it deep down to blow up in my face later.
“You’ll be fine, you’re strong.”
“I get drained easily, and I’ve done a lot of work, so I need to get to sleep.” Mom nods before heading towards the door.
“You sure you’re tired from the work?” Mom makes sure to turn back and wink to me the moment the words leave her mouth.
“Go home, and just- just no.” I hear her laugh one more time before she leaves, saying goodbye on the way out.
I go back to my room, launching myself on my bed and getting a major smell of Shawn on my pillow, my covers, and most of all the letterman jacket. Fucking hell, I’m either gonna barely sleep tonight or knock the hell out because of his smell, it’s comforting most of the time. I just want to know how he achieves that distinctive smell.
Out of the left pocket of the jacket I see two folded sheets of paper sticking out and grab it, I begin to unfold it before stopping myself. Be a nosey bitch and read the paper… or do the right thing, remember boundaries and privacy, don’t touch it. I think it over in my head before trying to rationalize the situation. Maybe he left the jacket in hopes of me seeing the letter? Or maybe he just left it on accident? Nah, he did it on purpose, I can feel it.
I allow the curiosity to convince me to read the paper, it’s not like anyone would know, not unless I wanted to tell someone I read it.
‘Why I love Amaya.’ My cheeks feel like they’re on fire as I find myself continuing to read. ’She is able to hold herself up like nothing in the world can take her down, even when she’s scared it never stops her. She might not be perfect, but she’s perfect for me. From her stormy grey eyes that make it almost impossible to look away from. Her long dirty blonde hair that I love to run my hands through, or when she’s laying in bed with me have it tickling my face just a bit. Those soft, kissable lips which are one of my favorite things in the world.
’She’s my Wonder Woman. With every kiss. Every touch. Even the moments when she’ll randomly punch me in the arm which isn’t so random because I say something stupid. I know she hasn’t hit me as hard as she can, but she does pack one hell of a punch. I can’t get any of it out of my head, even the smallest of things with her are in my head and I’m going to hold on to those moments for the rest of my life.
’I love when she makes me feel like I’m losing my grip on my control in school, but I love it most when she makes me feel like I can do anything with her by my side. Whenever I get her to blush, my heart flutters in my chest and it’s like I can’t stop it. It kinda reminds me of watching those moments on TV where something would happen to make time slow, one of the good things though, not the parts with the terrible news that hits you hard.
‘A better example of it is when the two that end up being a couple by the end of the movie end up seeing each other and everything just turns to slow motion, the only thing the two of them are able to see is the other person. Nobody could ruin the moment, especially when they end up in the other person’s arms. Everything she does is able to cause one of those moments where time freezes. Her smile almost always hits me the hardest.’ I take a deep breath so I don’t start dying soon. I’ve barely been breathing between sentences.
’But now I can’t have that anymore. No more kisses. No more falling asleep with her in my arms. I can’t get anymore punches in my arm that secretly makes me want to just pull her close and just kiss her as hard as I could, hold her as long as I could. I don’t have a girlfriend that makes my whole world worth everything as I watch her with Aaron with that great smile that appears on both of their faces.
’And Aaron, God I want to go back to seeing him on a day to day basis. I want to go back to holding them more than anything, my two favorite people in the world. When I have to leave them I feel this tightness in my chest. I think about how much she’s given me and doesn’t even realize, she says I’m her reason, but she’s mine, as is Aaron. It’s like I’m going crazy when they’re gone. I’ve dreamt about spending the rest of my life with her and at first, it did scare me.
‘I was so caught up in her. I always have been really. She was just the it girl. The type that gets in your thoughts no matter who you are. I feel like I’ve been in love with her since the day my clumsy ass fell into her, talk about first impressions. Even at that age, I couldn’t look away from her, I also really wanted to reach out and touch her pigtails, because I was one weird-ass kid growing up.’
He was my weird-ass. He will always be my weird-ass no matter how much I try to deny that.
’I miss having our time together. I miss having her around as my best friend and girlfriend, and having Aaron around all the time. I hate that all of this is being taken away from me when all I can do is think about where we could be in ten years, Aaron a teenager who I hope doesn’t develop a mood, and maybe there could be another child or two.
‘If she gives me another chance I wouldn’t allow myself to mess up again. I would be the man she needs for her and Aaron-’ That’s when I stop reading, enabled to continue this. I’m going to lose my mind with how sweet he is.
There isn’t a single thing that he has to change. He’s perfect. I was always the problem with us.
“Dammit, I really broke the sweet boy’s heart. I hope he’s repairable,” I whisper before putting the paper back in Shawn’s jacket pocket. I decide now that I’m going to sleep for the night since there isn’t really anything else to do, but before I do, I drape the jacket around me, taking in his scent. “Te amo, Shawn. Good night.”