Chapter 16: Amaya
It’s simple. I’m home alone and couldn’t be more grateful for it. Aaron is still with Shawn at his grandparents’ house. Jonah ended up staying the night with Alexis and her family. And I went into work earlier but Mr. Fiorilli sent me home after I puked my guts out in the bathroom, he said he didn’t want me to be working if I was sick and to rest. Gave me the rest of the week off too, so I guess I won’t be going in for a bit.
I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not. Putting it simply, I have to pay the bills and make sure we each can eat. Seeing that Jonah can only take two steps without falling, he’s not allowed to work, and even if he could, I wouldn’t allow him because I can handle this. I want to handle all this and let him worry about school and things like that.
I’m not taking any of Shawn’s money. I’m doing things my way and I don’t care if people think I’m stubborn for that.
The good part about not having to go to work is that I can sleep in since I haven’t really been getting as much sleep as I should be, but school is going to interfere with so much that it’s not funny. I’m falling behind with this regular life situation. When I was running with that gang and needed quick cash, I could get it if I did some of the things that Derrick was required to. I could occasionally deal.
I was one of the best at telling when it was someone that actually wanted to buy or if they were cops trying to catch a dealer. Drugs take a toll on your body, some become twitchy and there’s a certain twitch to them, the cops aren’t good at mimicking the twitch. When someone wants drugs and you don’t deliver, they get grabby, plead with you even, but there’s just something with the cops that you can tell the difference.
I taught some of the others what to look out for and they learned, but I had to carry the guilt of knowing that someone could possibly end up ODing because of something I’ve done, but it’s not my fault. It’s their own fault if they end up in that situation. They made the choice to turn to drugs instead of those around him. Those people made their choice to have that first taste of danger and that’s when they got addicted.
I didn’t do that to them.
But now I’m fully legitimate. I’m not selling drugs. I’m not training people on what to look out for when selling to avoid getting caught. I’m not fighting someone so I can survive through the night anymore.
I’m getting what I need to get done.
“I’m doing the right thing,” I whisper out to the empty air. “I’m doing what I have to do.” I sit down on the edge of the bathtub while now running a hand through my hair as I bury my face in my hands. My foot nervously tapping away at the ground.
The dead silence begins to become too much for me as I now pull my phone out of my pocket, staring down at the timer that is set to go off in another two minutes. I go through the playlist that Shawn and I made together before Lost Without U by Robin Thicke starts to play and I find myself humming along to the song.
I’m lost without you
Can’t help myself
How does it feel
To know that I love you, baby?
The song continues on and it gets to the part where Shawn would usually start yelling at the top of his lungs.
You wanna roll with me, you wanna hold with me
You wanna stay warm and get out of the cold with me
I just love to hear you say it
It makes a man feel good, baby
Tell me you depend on me
I need to hear it
I remember all the times that he would randomly play the song and we’d end up kissing because he was just a dork, but he’s my dork and I thought it was cute. I loved to have him pull me to his chest as he sang the song to me, it wasn’t like the awkward feeling you get on your birthday when everyone simultaneously sings Happy Birthday to you.
It’s not that feeling you get when you’re so nervous that you feel all tingly all over, but it’s the type of feeling that makes you want nothing more but to keep your eyes on something, or better yet, someone. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him and I know that I would never want to. It was like he was so caught up in the moment that it made me feel that same exact feeling.
The song gets interrupted this time around with my timer that makes me jumps up so fast that I almost fall over into the bathtub which would’ve most likely hurt.
“Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say. Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say,” I mutter out over and over.
I move over to the counter, reaching one of my shaking hands out to lift up the test and flip it over, my eyes clamped shut. No fucking way. No fucking way. I force my eyes open, looking down, dropping the stick on the ground when I see the two pink lines.
“Son of a bitch,” I ground out.
False positives are rare and I’m not going to give myself some false hope when I know good and damn well that this isn’t fake. Shawn and I haven’t exactly been the most careful with each other, the other day can count as an example, but it would be too soon to tell if I was pregnant from that.
There’s about three other times that I could’ve been pregnant from. Last month, after we went to that party. A bit before Jonah was placed in that wheelchair we had our first time since being back in a relationship. Then there is also the night that we came back from seeing my dad. Needless to say, this shouldn’t be a shock, and in a way, I’m not. But in another, I still am.
It’s not like Shawn and I haven’t spoken about having another child, hell, I know he wants a daughter, but we agreed that it was smarter to wait until we were in a better place. I didn’t want to be pregnant again in high school. The plan was to at least be a year or so into college, but that’s not an option anymore.
Aaron’s going to have a sibling, and I would’ve been happy about that had this been under different circumstances.
Shawn is still in danger, and after that whole situation on the phone and my emotional breakdown, let’s just say we’re both fucking scared. I can’t lose him. I have constantly been thinking about the Panther situation and praying that things will work in our favor, but there is a chance that it won’t. There is a chance that Shawn won’t make it no matter how much I try denying that much. All I know is that I plan on doing the best that I can to make him feel better about this whole situation.
We both have to try and keep our heads in the right place because if he makes his weaknesses known, they’re going to take that as an opportunity to hurt him and I know good and damn well I’m not trying to go to jail for murder. But on the real, wouldn’t it be better if I did just handle them in that type of way? That would stop them from hurting anyone else, but I shouldn’t trade a life for a life.
I’m not going to get down on their level, and now that I know I’m pregnant I can’t get involved in things like that. It could put this kid in danger and that’s something I’m not willing to do, but I’m going to find a way to get this situation under control.
I take a deep breath before looking down at my phone and deciding to text Shawn: ‘When you drop Aaron off we need to talk.’
It’s not a full minute before he responds: ‘I was thinking the same thing. We’re gonna be leaving here within the next hour or so, just so you know.’
‘Alright. Bye.’ I text him back and don’t wait for the reply as I shove my phone into my pocket and take the pregnancy test with me, heading to my bedroom.