Chapter 2: Amaya
That feeling for being ready to punch something is there even stronger as I stand still, practically paralyzed as I wait for him to push her away from him and say no, I’ve got a girlfriend and you know that. Anything at all would be better than watching this. My feet stay planted on the ground as I hold onto my bag with a death grip even though it’s on my shoulders, I need something to support me right now. These damn stirrings in my chest, that feeling as if a damn knife has just been plunged into my chest and someone was just tugging it or playing with it as I only want to scream with that pain.
I’ve been stabbed before, hell, more than once in this school year alone and we’re not even halfway through it, but somehow this hurts me even more than those did. This is killing me slowly. It bites to watch the man you believe to be the one kissing another person, even if he’s not even responding and just standing there, taking all that she’s willing to give. A whole hell of a lot.
I ball my hands into fists at my side deciding I’ve finally seen enough when her arms wrap around his neck oh so naturally. Before I even notice it I’m storming up to the two of them and ripping her from him as he jerks in the process. This shit hurts.
The material of her shirt crumbles as I fist it and throw her in the direction of the lockers. She stumbles back but doesn’t fall, not that I intended for her to fall but I can’t lie and say it wouldn’t have been satisfying to me if she did.
“Amaya, I-” Shawn gasps out. I shake my head to him and refuse to look at him. It’ll only hurt me more.
“No.” My voice is concrete, so damn solid it hurts. “I’ll deal with you later.” I slowly turn to glare at Bethany while my heartbeat quickens. Just as it always does when I get so damn angry, it literally rips all the air and energy out of me.
I’m fighting too damn hard to keep my anger, frustration, and pain inside but it doesn’t want to work. None of it works for me. I want to hurt her more than I want to save her or keep my own secrets hidden, but I’ve fought so long to keep from turning into people like her. I’d be worse if I did.
“You’re a damn bitch.”
She only smiles to me before leaning against the lockers that I threw her into. My eyes train on her as I refuse to look away, Lord knows I don’t trust assholes like this. You take your eyes off of them for even a moment and shit like this happens.
“Oh am I really? What makes you say that?” she asks while trying to play this innocent act that I’m not buying. She knows good and damn well what she did was wrong but this is a damn game to her, the smiling bitch is actually enjoying this. Wouldn’t be if I just fucking punched her.
I’m really trying to go about this the way of no violence but damn it’s so hard not to punch or choke her when she does shit like this. Believe it or not, I’m not actually a violent person. I resent it, but I’ve learned that you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do sometimes.
Even though she deserves it, I can’t look over the fact that on so many occasions I’ve told Shawn to avoid fighting. Not to do it because it was wrong and it wouldn’t help a damn thing, but right now, fuck that. Fighting might not help anyone in this situation but it’ll make me feel a whole hell of a lot better than just letting her get away with the shit she’s pulled.
“He was with somebody and you knew that, but you just don’t give a damn, do you? You just went along and kissed him anyway.” This time my voice isn’t angry but it’s checked, calm, a bit too calm. That’s the thing with me though, it’s better if I’m angry and yelling at you instead of being in quiet mode, that side of me is much more dangerous than any other. It shows that in that small amount of time that I’ve thought about some things. “Half of the guys you try sleeping with are with someone and you don’t give a hell, but why would a slut like you ever?”
It’s part of my finally coming forward with my feelings but it’s not everything that I want to say. I mean, I’ve been trying to avoid using words like slut or whore after what these people here began to spread about me and Aaron, but there’s a major difference between us.
I wasn’t any of those things. They didn’t even have the full story about me or how Aaron had come to be so they couldn’t really give up much of a damn opinion on anything. She, however, has done a lot of the things they were accusing me of and I’ve looked the other way for it all, up until now that is. I’m wounded. They say a wounded animal is always the most dangerous since they’ll do whatever it takes to get better the majority of the time or to escape it all.
It’s funny knowing that for so long I’ve not wanted to be the type of person that allows these class A assholes to impact me but it’s starting to happen. The worse is that I’m starting to turn into the version of me that they thought they knew. I don’t think there’s even a way for me to move on from that either.
“You jump from guy to guy, Bethany, a new one every single week. Once you get what you want you just throw them to the side as you usually throw everyone else out of your life." I know I'm digging on our history, but it is deserved. I'm allowed to be pissed off. "You’re nothing but a damn waste,” I growl out while moving so close that I’m practically in her face, we’re about half a foot away from each other.
I can feel Shawn’s green eyes on my back, clawing away at me as he watches me snap, slowly breaking. That pain that courses through my veins that wants to be revealed to everyone is going away as I push and shove to make sure that nothing comes out. There’s just certain information that I’m not willing to have the school knowing since it’ll all spread like wildfire just because it’s about me.
“Ooh somebody hurt? I didn’t exactly see him resisting that kiss… or trying to pull away.” She’s really trying to get more under my skin than she already has. Not very smart of her.
I fight the urge to turn to look at the curly-haired heart-stealer for even a split second to ask how could he. Sure I know Bethany’s trying to piss me off more and provoke me, but I also know that she’s not lying. Shawn didn’t try pulling away. I just keep my eyes on glaring at her.
“Am I supposed to be scared of you? You won’t do a damn thing.” She moves closer to me while holding her head up high, shoulders locked back. Trying to make herself big compared to me. I shake my head.
She stands at about 5’8 since I’m 5’11 and she goes up to the upper bridge of my nose. I’ve been known as one of the taller girls in the grade but she comes close enough to me and ironically we grew the same height up until she ditched me when I began my relationship with Shawn the first time.
I find myself smirking at her comment. “Please allow me to establish something, you underestimate me, Beth. I’m not the same person as I was before. You don’t mean shit to me, especially after all the shit you wanted to speak about me and my child. I have my problems with you and you’ve managed to make it even worse in two weeks. Take a damn look in the mirror and fix your act, or do you want to give me a reason not to kick your ass where you stand? Or maybe I should let my anger out on you.”
When she tries to move away from me I violently shove her back into the lockers behind her. I get closer to her, our faces almost three inches closer than they were before, I can feel her warm breath on my lips as hers part. Her breathing is shallow as I notice how nervous she truly is. She should be.
“What? The moment things get physical you want to back down but you still want to talk some shit. I’m no pushover, you know my background. You were an insider for the majority of it, so you know I can’t just let you get away with that shit, don’t you?” By now I’ve got the attention of all the kids in the hallway and maybe that's for the best. Hell, that might be the only thing stopping me from using the training I've had over the years. She knows my family isn't something that can be messed with without something being done about it.
“Amaya stop,” I hear Shawn at my side but ignore it.
“Shut up, Shawn,” I say while still glaring at Bethany. It seems like the only thing I can do at this point. “Look at me right now, I might’ve been your friend before, but know this now, shit has changed since you decided to drop being my friend. You can sleep with a lot of guys without their girlfriends saying anything, they might even be scared of you, but I’m not. You aren’t always gonna get away with that shit, especially when it comes to someone I’m in a relationship with. Be a damn slut somewhere else.”
“Amaya, you’ve got to quit this.” It’s just more people telling me what to do and I really hate it. I hate it so damn much, everyone that knows anything about me knows I hate being told what to do. Though whoever was talking is right, I do need to stop fighting, I want to... but I just can’t. No matter how hard I’ve tried to let go of fighting it keeps attacking me. Letting go is so damn impossible for me.
“Fine,” I huff out. “Take this as a warning, Bethany. Stay away from my boys too. You come near them and I just might slit your throat,” I say before shoving her back once again and creating some distance between the two of us.
She’s toxic, just like our friendship turned in the end. I need to go before she starts something, Lord knows she doesn’t know how to leave well enough alone.
“You know this all seems like gold coming from you... seeing as your mom’s the biggest slut in town.”
This fucking bitch did not just say that.
My hands ball into fists as I quickly turn around to face her. I run at her before tackling her down to the ground and getting on top of her. It feels amazing when my fist finally connects with her cheek, making her head slam down into the ground. Her groan fills my ears but I ignore it. Bitch deserves it.
The sound of her teeth slamming together is somewhat satisfying to me as I hold the front of her damn buttoned up shirt, feeling the material in my hands that I can easily tear as I show her the type of person she was messing with. I can’t honestly say it doesn’t feel good to hit her with the shit she’s been putting me through in this single school year alone.
That shit she’s stirred with my family. First, she wants to talk about me and my son, and now she wants to start on my mom… that shit doesn’t work for me.
“Don’t you ever call my mom a slut or anything like that!” I scream in her face before pulling my arm back and punch her again. Once again, she deserves this. Anyone could agree with me on that matter while most just enjoy watching a fight. I hate when people watch me fight though, it’s aggravating. Especially when in the past people paid to watch. It’s all shitty.
“Amaya!” the boys shout, but it doesn’t get through my head. Nothing truly can with all the shade people want to keep throwing my way. It breaks me a little more and the sound of some people cheering my name as I lose myself in the moment. I want her to hurt. I don’t care how screwed up that makes me.
She kissed Shawn. She’s been chasing after Shawn for so damn long and part of me really has to wonder if she truly feels something for him. Does she really have feelings for him or is she just trying to mess with my head or screw my life? At this time that’s what this feels like. Her constantly trying to start something with me or my family somehow. It’s the same old games with her.
All I want to see is her blood on these floors where I stand. She has no right to speak about my mother like that, let alone get away with that much. Bethany has done far worse than what my mom has done.
Punching her feels so damn right, especially when she believes she’s walking on ground that everyone worships. She can’t get away with everything she wants and that’s just how the world works and there’s nothing that could possibly change that. She can’t just talk about my family or anyone else’s the way she has, especially knowing that hers is almost as dysfunctional as my own.
“Please Amaya, stop this, you aren’t this person. You aren’t this type of person, you don’t fight. When you were forced to fight all you wanted to do was move away from shit like this. And now you’re free from everything, so don’t do this, because if you go even a bit further it might not be reversible,” a weak voice speaks but I can’t identify it with all the anger coursing all throughout my veins. It definitely isn’t helping that whoever was trying to fix me and tame my anger is being thrown to the side as some of the bystanders in the hall cheer me on as they boost my ego.
“She’s not a whore,” I growl, I pull my arm back to punch and do, “and she’s not a slut or anything like that,” I punch her again.
This pain shoots through my hand but I ignore it, I guess the adrenaline hasn’t run out yet, though I wish it would. Adrenaline is almost like a drug, it makes you do things that you know aren’t you, that’s wrong, but you can’t stop the feelings that move throughout your blood.
I ignore each of the boys’ cries for me to stop punching Bethany as a single realization comes to mind. I can’t control any of this shit. Mom hasn’t done anything wrong. She was only working in that place to give Jonah and I a chance at a life better than her own. She’s not even doing any of that club shit any longer. Bethany’s got no right.
The relationship with her parents was strained for a bit, especially after her parents found out about Dad. Parker’s transition to accepting that Dad was in the picture for the amount of time he was, it made things awkward between all of them. Her family fell apart before things got better when Dad left, then it fell apart once again when they found out about Derrick and what he’s done.
“That’s seriously what you believe, she works that club almost every night, pretty sure that’s what makes a slut.”
“You’re wrong. My mom isn’t in that club every night. She’s done with that shit. She only did anything she did to make a life for me you bitch,” my voice is low.
Bethany wants this to happen and anyone can see that much. She wants me to be like this so maybe that’s what I’m going to show her. Maybe I’ll reveal to her and everyone else in this hallway the side of me that I’ve managed to hide for this long though people are constantly pushing and shoving at me.
She’s just making this flame even bigger, so I amp up my punches and hit as hard as I can while her head bobs back. I hope I don’t get charged with assault for this.
“Fuck you, perra,” I snarl; she only smirks.
“Stop giving her what she wants, you need to stop this. Be the bigger person. Please,” Dylan’s begging meets my ears before Shawn rips me off of her.
I can tell it’s him by the feel of his hands on my arms while he pulls me closer to him. I glare at Shawn for a few moments before switching to Bethany too. Dylan doesn’t get a single dirty look since he doesn’t deserve any of my anger or ferocious thoughts, he didn’t do anything wrong… for the time being.
“What’d she do anyway?”
His voice is so small and fragile that it reminds me of Aaron when he has a nightmare, and that’s exactly what I am. I’m a damn nightmare to not just them but to myself. If Aaron was to see me like this he’d be horrified and yet that’s somehow not enough to stop me from fighting like this.
Why do I keep getting hurt? I move back to glaring at Shawn before looking down to Bethany as she coughs up some blood that lands on the ground beside her.
“If you want him, Beth, then go ahead and have him. I’m fucking done with all this shit,” I say while moving to walk away. Shawn grabs my wrist and turns me so that we’re looking into each other’s eyes.
I’m throwing all this away, but maybe something from my past should return. It used to just be Jonah, Aaron, and I coming first, but then Shawn weaved his way more into everything more than he was the last time. He was my best friend before everything else, then my boyfriend that I couldn’t ever get my mind off of, I still can’t actually, it’s just so confusing for me to keep my head clear.
When we stare into each other’s eyes I don’t see that love for me or that love within myself. I only feel the pain from watching him stand still and just taking that kiss.
Shawn’s silently pleading with me not to go, but I’m just too damn cold and too far for him to reach out and touch. While I glare I watch the pain in those usually bright green eyes as they turn dull. He hurt me too damn bad and maybe, just maybe, I should’ve listened to my head before. Over and over it told me not to be with him… but I wanted him too bad.
I fell far too hard for Shawn Matthew Harper. The guy that’s going to break me.
“Amaya, please. Don’t do this. Don’t end us. Not again. I can’t lose you again,” Shawn whispers to me in that soft voice that makes me want to close my eyes and let loose. My heart pounds as I ball my hands up into fists once again.
I can feel every ounce of the pain he feels, see just how broken I’ve made him by looking into those eyes, hear it in his voice. It’s all eating away at me. I shake my head while closing my eyes tightly, the tears fight their way to the surface as I fight back even stronger to keep them in place.
“It’s too fucking late, Shawn. I’m done with all this shit… I knew I shouldn’t have given us another shot. In the end, one of us is always gonna end up hurting. It’s either you or me and now Aaron’s in the middle of it all too. I have to put my child first, Shawn, and this isn’t gonna be right for him if it means having him there watching us as we crumble,” I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.
“You constantly screw with my head and I can’t take it any longer. I listened to my heart instead of my head. You make me and you break me, what type of damn war is this for me to have to fight? Why didn’t you just pull away, you know I stood there waiting for you to pull away, to do anything at all, but you didn’t do a single fucking thing.” If I don’t stay angry I’ll end up crying my eyes out. “That’s what’s killing me, Shawn. I can’t. Not anymore.” Shawn looks down at his shoes before looking back up and into my eyes with his narrowed as he tries to read me.
“I’m so sorry, Amaya, but please don’t do this to us, I need you too much to live without you. I want us to last and-” I shake my head before trying to pull my arm away from him, but he only holds me tighter. I need to place some literal distance between us.
“No, you really don’t. You don’t need me or any of that shit, now fucking let me go before I hurt you. I don’t want to but you know I will,” I choke out before sniffling slightly. I make sure it’s low enough that nobody can hear it.
Shawn slowly lets go of me but refuses to place any true distance between us though I wish he would. I wish he could just give up on me. I can’t do this right now.
“So this is what you’re going to do? You’re seriously just going to run away from me as you always do.” I force myself to move away from him by side-stepping and walking towards the closest doors.
Sometimes it’s best not to do anything or say a word to him. If I do it can be a major argument… or worse.
All he had to do was pull away from her and we wouldn’t even be in this situation. “It didn’t mean anything,” he calls after me. “Amaya!” I don’t say anything but just continue moving.
Don’t turn back to look at him. Don’t turn back to look at him.
I can feel how close to the edge he is though this time I don’t stop myself to talk him down and ease his nerves. The moment I do I’ll break and end up in his arms. I don’t want to be back there for now.
“What Shawn?! What the hell do you want from me?” I yell at the top of my lungs.
Now I’m not the type of person to make a scene, but you know what, I sure as hell have just done that and I’m glad. I’m glad people have seen me go berserk and know that there’s a fine line that cannot be crossed with me. Loyalty comes very close to being number one on my list, and when my family comes into play…
Then Shawn wants to be an asshole and say I always run away. It really pisses me off.
“I don’t always fucking run away! It mightn’t have meant anything to you, but it really hurts me. You kissed somebody else, you kissed her.” I stalk towards Shawn before shoving him back twice; his back hits the lockers behind us with a thud, he lets out a groan. “You seriously expect me to stick around after that? I don’t need this shit and I did well enough on my own, so just leave me the hell alone.” My voice is small and weak giving away just how broken I feel.
I look to him and see how deep he’s breathing as those messy curls fall so that they’re almost in his eyes. His eyes shine with tears as they practically glisten in these halls where so many kids have had their hearts broken. I guess I’m one of those kids now, huh? My heart breaks in these halls and I’m the one doing it to another.
I’ve only seen this look on his face once and I’m the one that put him through this, but this time I don’t feel guilty for it. Maybe that makes me a bad person knowing that he’s my baby daddy and best friend, but this is how I feel. Hold up, am I a bitch?
My hands clench and unclench at my sides, I wouldn’t ever hit him in a violent way. I love him too much, even if he has hurt me, but that won’t stop me from shoving him out of my way as hard as I can, but that’s only if I need to.
“I won’t leave you alone, never will I ever. She kissed me and I was just so damn shocked, alright? I didn’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you; I love you so damn much that my head can’t comprehend when you aren’t around. It’s always gonna be you that does that to me, and what about Aaron?” his voice is low and when I look up into those eyes I see those smoldering looks. Damn those looks. He means how are we going to tell him.
“You’ll still see him. You’re his father, but I just won’t be there whenever it happens, so please just leave me alone.” Shawn looks down at his hands before glancing over his shoulder to the people surrounding us. I do the same since I hadn’t noticed just how big of a crowd we’ve managed to get around us. “Don’t make this harder.”
“Then don’t leave me,” Shawn forces out while his breathing gets deep.
For some stupid reason, I make the mistake of looking him in the eye when I know good and damn well what each of those looks can do to me. He’s ready to cry and I know it’ll all come flowing out at any moment. I know he won’t care if others see it but it still breaks me to see that look on his face, knowing that I’m the one that placed it there… it beats me up and it’s not fair.
Looking at him is like staring at an older version of our son. The same eyes and face, those decently thick eyebrows, then that look they make when they’re about to cry is exactly the same. As I’ve said previously, the only true difference is age and the hair color, though Aaron doesn’t have a single freckle on him and Shawn has them peppered on his chest while the ones that were on his face as we grew up have been gone since a couple of months before Aaron came along. They disappeared over the span of a few weeks.
“Nope, I’m not doing this. I’m not doing this,” I whisper to myself. But why can’t I convince myself that much?
“You’ve got to talk to me. You can’t just leave me like this… not again. You promised me, or did that day not mean anything to you?” His voice cracks at the end of the sentence. He’s talking about the first time we had after getting back together and that’s what makes it harder.
“You don’t know the half of it,” I say, “don’t give me that ‘you promised’ bullshit or that ‘did that day not mean anything to you’ shit either because you know exactly what it meant. We talked to each other about that shit. You’re the one who kissed the damn girl that has been chasing after you since we were still kids. One of the damn people that keeps managing to screw me in new ways each school year. You know the shit she’s done.
“You need to admit to yourself that I have every damn right to be pissed about that. I’m not your wife, so you can go enjoy yourself with her. All I am is your baby mama,” I say dryly. I can feel the knife plunging even deeper as I let my words settle. When I move to walk away again he grabs my hand and pulls me towards him.
“I can’t believe you seriously fucking think that. After all of this damn time and the shit we’ve been through you haven’t allowed it to get through your thick head. Let me remind you that I love you and only you. I don’t know what I have to do to prove that much to you, I’m not in love with her.
“If I was feeling anything, I could’ve been with her on multiple occasions, but instead I’m with you. You’re the woman that takes my breath away with every single thing you do, and you’re always on my mind. What do you want me to do to convince you of that much?” he asks in this pleading voice. I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge, I wish I could only ignore it, or that I was numb.
“How about not kissing other people?” It’s a low blow and enough for him to end up shocked enough for me to pull out of his grasp and move away while tightening the straps on my backpack.
The feel of his fingertips sliding down my arms as I pull away, this time allowing me to leave. Shawn doesn’t try pulling me back and doesn’t say anything else, he’s giving up for now, and for that, I’m so damn grateful.
But then there’s this empty feeling inside of me, the feeling that I’ve just lost my better half, the one person that I’ve ever loved in this way. He’s the thing that keeps me moving forward and makes all of those depressing moments better by telling me it’s going to get better. He’s the one that texts me at two o’clock in the morning because he felt I couldn’t sleep or he couldn’t.
The way he is with Aaron… I just know there’s gonna be a shift between them because of all this.
“Goodbye Shawn,” I whisper while walking away.
My tears finally stream as I do exactly what Shawn says I do, run away. I run down those hallways and out the school to the parking lot. I wipe them away before taking the keys to my motorcycle out of my pocket so that I can leave this hellhole and go to sulk in my room with Aaron.