Chapter 3: Shawn
My heart shatters before sinking down to my stomach as I watch Amaya walk out on me once again with that natural sway of her hips that she doesn’t know she does. Her sway I’ll miss, hell, it’s not just the sway of her gorgeous hips, it’s everything about her that I’m going to miss. This is the same exact feeling that ran through me the last time, but there’s a big difference this time around, this might just be the very last time where she’s my girl. I might never be her boyfriend again. That breaks me even more.
This doesn’t just screw over me, but our son too. For that alone, Bethany can burn in hell.
What’s going to happen between me and Aaron now? I can already imagine that it’s gonna get strained. Amaya has already moved out with him and Jonah, not to mention that she literally said she wouldn’t be around. The fact that she’s gone makes things even harder on us, now I most likely won’t see her except for school and when I get Aaron.
But I need to. I love seeing her face when I feel done with life. I love when she runs her hands through my hair and tugs as we make out. I love the feel of her hands on my body and when I have my hands on hers. Fuck, that look of pure happiness on her face when she chases Aaron down the halls or when I’ve seen her play him a song on the guitar to get him to sleep.
I’m going to miss it all until the day I’m gone. I hope she misses me the way I will her. I don’t know if she’ll come back to me, but I pray she does. When she’s with me I feel like I’m flying, same goes for when I’m around Aaron, putting the two of them together… Amaya has been my everything since we were just Aaron’s age. She has given me so much in just these last couple of months since we got back together. A son is one of them.
I thought this time we could work through it. I really prayed for it, I want to marry her and one day have more children with her than just Aaron. This can’t be the end of the road for us, I need her too much to just let go.
I can feel the stares of everyone on my back as I continue to look off in the direction she ran off in. I can’t follow her this time. It’ll only make the two of us hurt more, not to mention she’ll probably punch me if I do. The sound of a motorcycle revving in the distance almost makes me collapse to my hands and knees. She’s really gone. My tears stream before I bring my sleeve to my face to wipe away my tears.
I can feel one pair of eyes on me in particular that makes me narrow mine that I’m sure has become a deep green before I move towards Bethany. A glare plasters on my face before I lock my wrist and slam my fist into the lockers beside her. I’d never punch a girl, no matter how much hell they could’ve caused me or my family. Not to mention how many damn reasons she’s given me to be angry.
I allow my anger that pumps throughout my body to control me for even a split second, but it stays longer than that as I punch the lockers that much more, the hits getting harder and harder. My muscles clench in my shirt as I switch hands, moving back and forth. Punch after punch I can feel the pain shooting through each of my knuckles and to the rest of my body.
“Shawn, stop! You’re going to hurt yourself!” I ignore the yells and continue to hit, now pushing myself past my limits I can hit even harder than I thought possible. I wonder if this is what Amaya felt doing this to Bethany. “Shawn, look at me!” I turn to see Xavier’s worried look as he glances down to my knuckles that are now busted. No wonder that pain shot through them. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
I turn to face Bethany with a hard look on my face, definitely not the natural, gentle look that Amaya and Aaron place on my face. Well right now, I don’t have her around, and won’t have my son around much either.
“I’ll make your life a damn living hell if I lose her and my son over that,” I growl out as I move away from Xavier, making sure not to touch him. The only person I want to touch me is on her way home to probably cry about what just happened in these halls as I know I’m going to be doing soon.
“Hold up, what the hell did we miss?” Xavier asks while reaching to place a hand on my shoulder, but I only shrug him off. My head tries shaking the terrible thoughts away before another hand lands on each of my shoulders. Can’t they see I don’t want to be touched? I stand there, trying to control my breathing and anger at the same time so that I don’t end up doing something I regret. I turn to face Dylan and Cody while continuing the calming breaths.
“Come with us,” they say in unison while dragging me off down the halls before we come to an isolated classroom. “Take a seat.” I glare at them for a moment or two, but listen to them, taking a seat on top of a desk.
“What?” I ask while taking my backpack off my back and placing it on the ground beside me. “I’m going back home… at least there I don’t have to worry about not punching someone.” Dylan takes a step back from me as I just narrow my eyes.
“Didn’t your assault on the lockers do enough?” Cody asks while folding his arms over his chest.
“Fuck off, Cody. I don’t have the patience for your humor right now. I need to think,” I say before running a hand through my hair. Is there any way I can fix what happened between me and Amaya? I need some way to prove to her that she’s all that matters. She’s the only one I want to kiss.
“About what, the fact that you were just dumped in front of half the grade?” Cody asks before I jump off the desk and move to get in front of him. Dylan gets between the two of us, laying a hand on Cody’s chest and holding a hand out in front of me to stop me from moving closer.
“Shawn, don’t do anything you’ll regret, and Cody, don’t be so insensitive,” Cody scowls before I notice his jaw clenches. “None of that, you know you pushed a line. Now apologize,” Dylan commands.
“Fine. Shawn, I’m sorry,” Cody says before moving away from Dylan to instead sit at a desk three down from the one I’m at. “Dude, it must’ve been hard for you to watch her go. I’m sorry Bethany kissed you like that.” My hands ball into fists at my side before I take a deep breath as I’ve been doing far too much.
“Nobody’s as sorry as I am. You can’t control what she did, but I could’ve stopped her… I’m the one that let her kiss me. I froze. I was practically paralyzed at that moment. Now I might’ve lost my girlfriend, best friend, and the women I was planning on proposing to,” I sigh out at the end before tugging at my dark curls.
“Man, I’m s-” I hold a hand up to silence Dylan.
“Don’t apologize for something that had nothing to do with you. I’m the one that fucked everything up, well me and Bethany… but sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it. I look at the girl that’s made my heart break a hundred times over, but has made it worth everything too. I look at the child we made together and feel like I’d give anything for him when he starts crying. Whatever he wants from me, I’ll willingly give it up to him.” I feel my eyes getting teary again.
“Sometimes I feel like giving up on love. It mostly happened during the span of the first time we broke up, damn I wonder… where would I be if I wasn’t in love with her? Without a son, without the better half of myself, not looking forward to the future as much. Where am I at right now? Brokenhearted, most likely won’t see Aaron around much, and without my better half that makes me feel like I can do anything.” I stare down at my hands, trying to find the answers to questions that can only be answered by Amaya.
Why can’t she see that she’s the only one that I want? What do I have to do to have her back in my arms until the day I die? All I know is that I’m not giving up on her. I need Amaya, nobody else can have her.
“You’re still going to fight for her. You aren’t giving up on her or that family that you’ve managed to create. When you find the person that you love with all your life, you can’t let them go, even when they do something that truly aggravates you. For that love, you’d do anything,” Dylan says before I look up and see both him and Cody staring at each other with these loving smiles. My eyes go wide in recognition, that’s the same look Amaya and I have when we look to each other.
“Wait… are the two of you together?” I ask, not hiding my shock. Cody and Dylan look to me before I notice Cody slip his hand into Dylan’s that rests at his side. I guess that answered the question for me. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“You can ask him, it was his choice,” Dylan answers before Cody turns to face him with narrowed eyes.
“You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to the rules,” is all Cody answers.
“Hold the hell up, did you just say rules?” I ask, Dylan nods his head. “What type of shit is that, why do you have rules for dating someone? The only thing that needs to matter is that feeling you get when they come near you or when you talk on the phone at two in the morning.” Cody looks down at their interlocked hands.
I stand from the desk to move closer to them, placing a hand on each of their shoulders.
“Don’t you dare be ashamed of who you are or who you like. Don’t allow anyone else to scare you into not being yourself either. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship, it only matters how you feel, and what the each of you makes each other feel,” I say before dropping my hands from their shoulders. “Don’t mess this up, because I promise you, it feels like being stabbed watching that person leave you.”
“You’ll win her back,” Dylan claps me on the back.
“That’s the thing, I don’t know if I will. When she told me she knew she never should’ve given us another chance… fucking hell it hurt. When we broke up before, it was over Derrick, for the most part, the only thing that was on me was my trying to fight him. This time around, she caught me kissing another woman, the one that has managed to screw her over multiple times.
“Amaya has better options than me if she really wants new ones. She doesn’t really need to search for anyone, there are guys that would come to her… but I can’t give up on her. I’ll chase after her for the rest of my life, even if Aaron’s our age and yells at me to just grow a pair and ask her out like he’s done for so long. I need my girl back, no matter how many times she might yell at me to leave, I’ll never go,” I find myself ready to pour my heart out to them and maybe, just maybe, I will, but after I figure out a way to get her back.
“You know, this side of you isn’t a dick. Just remember that when you’re around her, groveling to get her back, that you be this you. Not the jackass bad boy that you want half the people in this school to believe you are. We all know it’s because of your dad leaving, but nobody says anything,” Dylan’s voice is cautious as though he knows it’s a possibility that I might explode… but I can’t, not when he speaks some truth.
“For the groveling, there might be some, but not a lot. And I don’t want people in the school to see me as a jackass bad boy. Maybe a bit of my dad rubbed off on me in those moments.” They nod to me, understanding that I’ve been through a lot. My history shouldn’t affect my actions though, I can’t allow it to do that any longer, especially seeing that others in my group of friends have been through a whole hell of a lot more.
Amaya, who had been through the same as me before also being forced into a gang, all around the same age as Aaron is. Damn, that’s one of the things that makes her so damn desirable. Her strength, then that moment when our lips had first met.
I knew she had a crush on me, I just needed her to admit it to me. I heard Xavier’s conversation with her the summer before we had started dating. She didn’t know that I knew, but that’s because I wanted her to make the first move. Amaya was always the type that hid what she wanted because she thought it was best to wait for others until she got older and allowed her true self to blossom for all to see.
Then I couldn’t take waiting any longer and asked her directly if she had feelings for me, admitted to my own, before pulling her into her very first kiss. Something about me being her first kiss sent shivers through my spine, made me see her differently. I knew she wanted me to kiss her, but I didn’t kiss her for her, I did it for myself. I couldn’t take the way she was always throwing looks my way, trying to grab my attention, but never tried acting on it.
Damn, I love chasing after her. I wanted her so bad that I couldn’t stop myself, it took too long for us to start dating the first time, even if they do say young love doesn’t last. I wanted to deny that, I still want to, not to mention go against it. Defying all odds. I’m not about to go another thirteen years without having my lips on hers or having our bodies touch. I need her in every way possible.
It was June 27, four days after we were set free from the hell that everyone knew as school for the summer where I can spend all the time enjoying the company of my friends. I invited everyone to come swimming, but told everyone not to come so it would be just me and Amaya, they understood that much before telling her they couldn’t show up. Even Xavier agreed to be out for the day.
Mom was the only one around but she agreed to stay indoors and chose to be in the kitchen preparing food for later so that it was just the two of us. Mom knew about my feelings before I even knew them, the moment I told her I wanted to be with her alone she jumped at the idea. It was nerve-racking being alone with her though we’ve been best friends since kindergarten. That should’ve made it easier for me but it didn’t at all, it only made it harder since these feelings have been there for a couple of years and things changed once they began.
I can’t look at her in the same ways I once did. I am constantly checking her out when she’s not paying attention, or maybe she can feel the stares on her and just doesn’t mind it, but I know it’s not working any longer. When I feel her eyes on me I kinda want to make it known to her that I love the feel of them on me. I want to come clean to her about everything.
Is it wrong that every time I look at my best friend I get the urge to push her up against a wall and kiss her or hold her in my arms? I know there’s something more than just friendship there. When she stands beside me I find myself wanting to touch her in some way, whether it be me hugging her, or holding her hand. Whenever we’re around each other it’s like I’m partially flying and I can’t help but look to her lips that I know nobody has ever kissed. She would’ve told me. I could be that first kiss… hopefully, her only kiss… but that’d be unreasonable for me to hope for, huh?
I know one of the things that make Amaya feel intimidated is the girls that already chase after me in school, but I’ve got my eyes set on one in particular. That’s never going to change. I want her to be mine, not those other girls that wear entirely too much makeup at a young age. They don’t need it. I want a girl who trusts her appearances or at least doesn’t go to change them just because she believes some guy will like it.
The only change a woman should ever want to make should be for herself and because she feels she needs that change to be the best version of herself. I hate when people change who they are for others… people used to want me to change, except for Amaya and our friends, they like me for who I am.
“Amaya?” I ask, standing to her right as I fight the urge to reach out and touch her smooth caramel skin. I could tell she was lost in thought by the way she stared at my pool. I wrap a friendly arm over her shoulders. “Are you good? You’ve been staring off into space for the past eight and a half minutes.” I smile when her cheeks turn a deep red, redder than I’ve actually ever seen them before. It makes her that much cuter.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about that.” You never need to apologize to me, Beautiful. I only nod to her. She looks from my face to my chest before they land on my abs. Doesn’t even try hiding it, huh? “W-Why’s your shirt off?” she asked nervously, her voice shaking in the slightest. I like that she gets just a bit nervous around me, it shows that she’s willing to be real around me. Not to mention that she can sometimes go from nervous to feisty, sexy, Amaya Wolff that owns my dreams… and me.
“We’re going swimming, remember?” I remind her before gesturing between us and the pool. She doesn’t say anything but only nods to me while continuing to check me out. Can’t say I’m not doing the same with her. “Are you sure you’re okay? If you need I can go and get Mom for you.”
“Shawn, I’m fine and you don’t need to worry, okay?” I shake my head.
“I’ll always be worried about you,” I whisper, now finally allowing myself to show. “Can we just… talk for a bit before going into the water?” I ask hopefully.
There’s a lot I need to say to her and if we’re in the pool, lord knows we’ll be messing around as we always do. She nods before running a hand through her long off-gold hair. I know she can’t pass up a conversation with me, we love talking to each other. I take her hand before making her take a seat on one of the lounge chairs to move and sit right at her side. My hand still holding her own.
“So… what do you want to talk about?” I run a hand through my hair as both of us stare into the other’s eyes. My piercing green orbs against her storm of grey, taking a part of me captive in each of those looks. It felt like nobody else was in the world as we were just watching each other, not saying a single word. It was almost enchanting and it gave me the urge to just admit to everything including how I feel about her, kiss those lips, damn it’s not right.
“You know how Dad’s barely around?” I ask before letting out the sigh. I can’t stare into those eyes and not admit to as much as I need to.
“Yeah, I do, and I know it bothers you but maybe you should open up with him and say how it affects you. Just think about letting him know, you are, after all his son, and he should listen,” she tells me with a patient tone. I shake my head before squeezing her hand, causing her to go stiff.
“I don’t want to tell him because of how much he’s rarely around, if that makes any sense to you. Dad doesn’t care about Mom, Xavier, or me, if he did he’d at least bother to come home more often. That’s why I refuse to open up to him because, in all honesty, he’d make time for us. On his days off from work, he wouldn’t be out with some strange woman that isn’t my mom,” I almost growl out the last part before looking down at my swimming trunks. I don’t want to scare her. I can’t.
“What makes you think that?” she asks.
“A woman called on the phone and I overheard the two of them having a conversation with each other and I was listening in on it. I know it was wrong and everything, but it’s how I found out and never told Mom about it. Something tells me she already knew about that. We just aren’t good enough for him, we never were.” She shook her head and as I’m about to look down she lifted up my chin so we’re both looking into each other’s eyes once again.
All I’d have to do is lean in just a bit closer and I could kiss her. We’re already so close.
“Don’t you ever say that again. He’s just not good enough for the each of you. You, your mom, and Xavier aren’t the problem in any of this because none of you are the ones running around with other people. It’s alright for you to be upset, but blaming yourself isn’t the right thing to do.” I nod before smiling at her.
She’s my therapist, the only one I’d willingly have around.
“Thanks, Amaya. It really helped.” She smiled too before squeezing my hand and refusing to allow me to look anywhere but at her, our gazes locked. “Do you think Dad’s going to leave us for somebody else?”
“Honestly?” I nod, wanting her honest answer. Needing it to continue forward. “I don’t really know, but what I do know is that no matter, what if he does you and your family are going to survive this. You can get through whatever anyone throws at you and I’m going to be by your side always.” I give her this wide smile before pulling her into this tight side hug, refusing to let her go.
“You promise?” I ask.
“Yes, Shawn. I promise to always be at your side because you mean everything to me. You’re strong and have always had my back, so why wouldn’t I have yours?” I hug her even tighter before looking her into the eyes again, but instead of the normal looks, there’s something else, something unreadable that I’ve never seen before. This look made me want to hold onto her for as long as possible, well more than I already want that.
“Thanks, Amaya… for everything.”
“It’s never a problem being at your side,” she let me know before biting down on her bottom lip.
“That means a lot. Can I say something else and hope nothing changes between us if not for the better?” I ask with my voice just a bit shakier, my nerves now getting the best of me. She tilts her head to the side before nodding and letting her lip free from her teeth. “D-Do you have feelings for me?” I asked nervously.
“What?” she asked as her eyes widen. I could tell she’s fighting a lot of the emotions coursing throughout her body as she stared at me with a look that almost looked like fear.
“Do you, Amaya Santana Wolff have feelings for me, Shawn Matthew Harper?” She licks her lips before burying her head in my shoulder. “So do you?” I ask, but she doesn’t answer the question.
“Why are you asking me that?” I sigh.
Why couldn’t she just answer the question? I need to know. I’m dying to know that she’s willing to admit to me her feelings. That she’s not scared of opening up this much to me, but I can tell she is. I just want her to tell me something.
“Because maybe that’s the way I’m feeling about you and I need to know if you feel the same. You’ve been on my mind a lot lately and it keeps on attacking me, but I wanna know if you feel the way people believe you to feel. People told me that you like me and I want to hear it from you if it’s true or not, because to be honest with you, this feeling for you has been there for a long time.” Now we’re facing each other and staring into the other’s eyes as mine are full of curiosity.
“Shawn…” she trails off. I shake my head before lifting her chin up with my index and middle finger so that our faces are even closer.
That doesn’t work, she needs to come and tell me what she wants. Tell me if she wants us to happen. Admit to the way she feels about me openly.
“No Amaya, I want to hear you say this right here and right now when there’s nobody else around and it’s just us. Do you have feelings for me or don’t you, nothing has to change between the two of us if you don’t feel the same.” She closes her eyes before nodding.
“Yes, Shawn. I feel the same about you, and I’ve been feeling this for a couple of years. It’s harder to be around you now more than ever these past couples of months," she looks down, so what if we start dating and things get complicated with us and the boys, I don’t want to ruin anything that we have.” I bring our faces even closer. I lift her face up so that we're staring at each other once again.
“Us being an us won’t change what we have or what’s up with us and the boys.” Amaya shivers as I scoot just a bit closer to her before surprising her. I pull her into a small kiss. She goes stiff as a rock as I continue to kiss her. I wait for her to kiss back before pulling back the moment she does, leaving her wanting just a bit more. “Please, give us a chance. You already admitted to having feelings for me, so please, give me a chance.” I give her my signature look that I know makes her a bit weak in the legs. “Come on Amaya.”
I wish she told me about her feelings earlier.
“Okay Shawn, we can give us a try,” I smirk before pulling her in for another kiss and standing with her still in my arms. I move over to the poolside. “Don’t you dare do what I think you’re going to do.” I smirk once again. She knows me way too well.
“Since you’re now my girlfriend... you can’t get too mad at me for this.” Before she could say anything else I jump into the pool and I refuse to let go as we’re now surfaced, me holding her around the waist.
Goddamn, I love her a bit too much.
“You mad at me?” I ask with a genuine smile and innocence written all over my face even though I'm the exact opposite.
“Just a bit.” I place a hand on her right cheek and almost laugh at the undeniable smile on her face.
They were definitely made for me to touch.
“But you’ll get over it because you love me and you have to admit you enjoyed it a bit when I jumped.” Her cheeks turn a deep red as my smile becomes even wider.
Only Amaya can get me this way.
“You’re even cuter when you’re blushing.”
“I think we’ve got ourselves a flirt.”
“Only to you.”
“Thanks, Shawny.” I place my head in the crook of her neck as we continue to float.
“What can I say, I’m exclusive.” I lift my head just a bit before she tilts her lips down to my own to pull me in for a kiss. A small smile spreads across my face as I hold her even tighter, those legs wrapping around my waist.
“Shawn, Shawn?” a voice grabs my attention before I get shaken.
“What?” I ask as I bring my hands up to the ones on the front of my clothes to pull myself free. I look into the eyes of Dylan who looks to me with his eyes narrowed, focusing on me as he tries to find out what’s running through my head.
“You were thinking about her, huh?” Cody says while leaning against the door.
“Yeah, I was,” I sigh out.
“Well, if you still plan on leaving, we’d best get going,” he says before I give him a questioning look. “Dude, Amaya was in a shitty mood all day. Nervous about Aaron and wondering where you were. I haven’t really been all sunshine and rainbows lately either. I can’t stay here all day, plus, if I need to, I can hang out with Jen since she’s home for the next week or so.” I nod before reaching for my backpack and pulling it on my back.
“You’re not going to hang out with your sister, we’re doing something to get my mind off of the new shit Bethany stirred up for me. You better be coming too, Dyl, you haven’t been letting loose as much,” I tell him before both Cody and I look to him.
“Oh what the hell, I’m ready to go. I’ve been dealing with shit from others the past couple of days,” he answers honestly.
“Who?” Cody and I ask in unison.
“I don’t feel like talking about it. They can screw themselves for all I care, but I don’t need either of you saying anything about it, or getting involved,” he tells us while mostly looking to Cody who narrows his eyes.
“I said maybe, that’s the most you’re getting from me, because if I see someone trying to do some shit with you or going in on you then I won’t hesitate to beat their ass. It doesn’t matter if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’d do it if you were just a friend too,” is Cody’s response. Dylan bites down on his bottom lip before just nodding. “Alright, now let’s go… right now.”
And so we left as quickly as I had just come, heading over to my car in the parking lot to head out to do whatever. But I first make sure to send an invite to Ace, Jonah, and Xavier. I won’t forget, but maybe I’ll feel just a bit better, especially knowing that Cody was right. I did end up getting dumped in front of half the grade, not to mention that the word will definitely travel quick.