Chapter 33: Amaya
December 20th: Five days to Christmas
He’s not gonna want to talk to me. Not when the conversation starts. Not when I left him the way I did and didn’t answer the phone to him. I pace right outside of Shawn’s hospital room while glaring at the wooden door that has a whiteboard with his name written in black erasable, but this is a different ward. The recovery one. The one I’d been waiting for him to come into since he ended up in this damn place, but now that he’s here I’m going crazy thinking about everything far more than I was a few days ago.
“Amaya, is that you?” Shawn’s gasp of disbelief when I finally force myself to enter the room doesn’t even surprise me but it does sting in my chest a bit.
He shamelessly begins to look me up and down, and I do the same to him. It’d be impossible for me not to when he’s constantly haunting my dreams which drives me insane because I see him but can’t reach out to feel his warmth around me.
However, in this situation, he’s right there. I can touch him if I want and he’d probably let it happen.
“In the flesh, Wonder Bear,” I say as I make my way over to him. His eyes follow each of my movements and I pretend not to notice.
“Did Mom tell you I wanted to talk?” he asks; I nod in response.
“Yeah, she told me you wanted to speak about a few things, but your mom isn’t the reason I’m here, though she did tell me we really should speak instead of avoiding the elephant in the room.” Shawn’s hands start to fidget with his blanket before I reach out to place my hand over his hand, his eyes fall on it.
“You don’t have to apologize for touching me, Amaya, you aren’t going to break me,” he whispers out while shifting his eyes to my own.
“I don’t think I’m going to break you.” At least not physically.
“No? You’d be one of the first. Mom doesn’t hug me as regularly as she usually does and when she gives me hugs they’re looser.” His lip puckers out into a bit of a pout. “Then Xavier, yesterday we were joking around with each other and he made a joke before taking it back five seconds later. Everyone sees me as this vulnerable person that is incapable and I hate it.
“I can’t even go to the bathroom without assistance and it’s so aggravating,” he grumbles out before his grip on my hand becomes a bit tighter, but I’m not fazed by it.
I’ve missed the natural feel of his hand in my own.
“So what brings you here?” Shawn sighs out in a small voice.
“Aaron, and I know you don’t remember him, but you should know that every day he asks about you along with-”
“He’s still speaking?” I stare into those same eyes our son shares, noticing how they sparkle at the thought of Aaron still speaking, but that question throws me off.
“You know about that?”
“Of course I know about it, I just found out he was my son… for the second time, I had to know more about him, but it was weird.” I raise an eyebrow from him as I slip my hand from his own to place my hands in my lap.
“What was weird? Finding out that we had a kid together or-”
“No, it was nothing like that, Amaya, I swear. When I found out that you were a mom, I’m not gonna lie and say that it didn’t make me sad.” I look away from him, not having anything to say about that statement. “I always knew that if someone else were to touch you and one day give you a child that it would make me snap, and hearing that I was the one to help you bring that precious boy into this world, it made me happy.
“But then I remembered that I didn’t remember it. I don’t remember much of anything that happened after our first kiss.
“That’s not the weird part though, the weird part came from taking a single look at him and knowing that he had to be one of the purest people I’ve ever come in contact with. He’s this goldenness and he intrigues me.”
Aaron intrigues me too, in many ways actually, but he always manages to have me observing him when he shows love to people that need it most. Those who have treated others like garbage, including him, but he still acts like they’ve never done anything. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing for the future. I guess we’ll discover with time.
“If you’re worried about him thinking you don’t love him, he doesn’t think that.”
“Good, because even when I don’t remember him I love him. I swear it.” I smile at him. “Now how much does he talk?”
“All of five times since we’ve left here.” Shawn’s head falls and I swear I hear a sniffle from the man that has almost always managed to make me smile even when I start to fall apart. This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen him break if he does start crying, and honestly, we both know it’s not going to be the last time either.
I watch as his nest of jet black curls covers his eyes from view.
“I wish I could remember it all and place things back together, but how can I do that when I keep falling further and further apart? I can’t put the pieces back together. Maybe I am as damaged as people act like I am.” Shit, I remember being there.
I feel as helpless right now as I felt two days ago when Shawn woke up and accidentally broke our son’s heart.
“You aren’t broken, Shawn.”
“How would you know?” Shawn scoots a bit closer to the end of the bed before slowly swinging his legs over the side so he’s sitting up.
“Broken knows what broken looks like, and you, you don’t look broken, you like you’ve just been through a lot emotionally. Which you have. This is a lot to take in for only being awake for a now three days.”
“What do we mean to each other right now?” he asks, jumping subjects.
How do I answer that?
“Nobody told you.”
“Now, Love, I didn’t say that, did I?” My heart flutters in my chest. “I want to hear it coming from you.” Shawn makes sure to lean closer on each word until our lips have only an inch or so between them. His breathing is heavy and part of me thinks it’s because he hasn’t been in this type of situation in a bit more than a week.
Why couldn’t he just take everyone else’s word for it and leave me off the hook. I don’t want to see that damn puppy dog look he gets when something disappoints him.
“We were together twice. The more recent time was one of the dumbest decisions I’ve made in my life,” I admit, which is something I don’t do all too often.
“What happened between us?” The moment my eyes drop Shawn brings his wram index finger to my chin and lightly tilts my face upward to him. I can’t remember how many of our kisses started this way.
I find myself in a trance as I look into those eyes that shimmer in certain areas from the fluorescent lights shining perfectly on his face. I can’t believe I took away such a beautiful thing from the world before it was out of my hands, but now that it’s back, I don’t think I’m ever going to let go of him.
I love that shimmer and I love him.
“Bethany kissed you and I couldn’t live with that… so I walked…” I take the easy route instead of diving into the actual reason.
“I know that’s not your actual reason,” he calls me out, “but I can humor this because it means I get to talk about one of my favorite people. Bethany Santiago could never mean to me what you do. I don’t have to remember these past four and a half years to know that, though it would be very enjoyable if I could,” he says while glaring at the ceiling. I smile at him. “Anyway-” he cups my cheeks in his warm hands that make me melt “-when I ran into you on the day we met, I saw those gorgeous grey eyes and when you smiles at me… I remember that feeling.
“I remember the day I noticed that I was in love with you too, I can’t say that it was very shocking either. I mean… it’s you, it always has been, and it always will be,” a light quality takes over his voice and it sounds dreamy. I want to be dreamy too.
Those dimples make an appearance on his face. Dammit I’m swooning.
“Why do you like me?”
“You telling me I never told you?” Not that I can remember, and I remember almost every word that comes from Shawn’s mouth. “The reason might’ve changed over the years, but something that will never change is how in love I am with each of your differences. I know a lot of girls wanted me, and maybe they still do, but none of them are you.” Somehow that never stops the jealousy, though I know he doesn’t mind it. “I love when I hold you in my arms and you let out this sigh of relief.
“When I’m around you all I can think about is how you’re beautiful both on the inside and the outside. When I’m with you I feel like I mean something. On the days that you’d come to me crying because of something happening I’d always try to make it better like I told you I would.” He starts to get lost in our past, part of me believing that he wants to be back to those easier times in ways similar to how I want to be back.
“Baby, you’ve done so much for me that I could go hours upon hours speaking about how much I worship you and those would just be from the years I’m capable of recalling. I don’t like you, Amaya… I love you more than anything. I’m so damn in love with you that I don’t know what I’m meant to do when I’m not with you.” That can’t be healthy.
He caresses my cheeks and all I can see is the love in his eyes that match up with that goofy smile along with the brightness in his eyes. I want to just take a picture of him like this.
God, he’s it. I know Shawn’s the one for me.
My heart skips a beat as I notice his lips slightly part, his tongue licking them. His left hand drops from my cheek to fall on my hand and pull me into his lap so we’re almost as close as we could possibly be.
“It was so hard for me to realize that I wanted my best friend as more than that. I needed you to be more.”
“I can relate.”
“I’m sure you can,” he mutters out before softly placing his lips on my own and I allow him, relishing in the feeling of the butterflies exploding in my stomach once again. Every single night since the break-up I’ve dreamed of kissing him again, but it never happened like this. None of it felt like this. “I’m addicted to you, Amaya Wolff.”
I don’t say anything because he already knows, so instead I wrap my arms around his neck, my hands instinctively running through Shawn’s thick curls.
A soft moan makes my lips vibrate against his lips which tells me I haven’t gotten rusty in our time separated.
Shawn lays back with me still in his lap and again, I don’t say anything when I remember how frustrated he sounded earlier when people were treating him differently since everything, but I do make sure to support my weight with my arms on either side of his face.
He makes a grab at my hands and I allow them to intwine with his own before he whispers out a soft, “Let me love you.” His lower body starts to dig into my own but I only sigh out when he starts to nibble on my bottom lip, trying to get me to give him further access.
Then the brushing gets to be a whole hell of a lot more intense and I decide that’s when I should call it quits for two reasons, one, we’re in a hospital, but more importantly, I need to know that he’s physically capable before we do anything extreme.
I start to stand but he sits up and wraps his arms around me like a belt.
“Don’t leave me, please,” he begs while holding onto me like Aaron used to hold Brownie. I let out a huff but hold him a little longer.
“I have to go.”
“No, you don’t, because I know how this works. I know that the moment you walk out of here things are going to be that much more complicated, and I don’t want that.” This brings me to secret reason number three, we can’t exactly just pick up where we were if he doesn’t remember it all, that’s gonna result in one of us getting hurt. If not us, Aaron, and I don’t want to take that chance.
“I actually have to go, but if you need me, you can call,” I sniffle out before forcing his arms from around me so I can stand from his lap; I place a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll see you.” I don’t give him the chance to say anything else as I’m already walking out of that door, his eyes on my back with each step.
Shawn has a lot of things he has to figure out when it comes to himself and I want to give him the opportunity to do that without interrupting him. Not to mention that I am also going to have to come to terms with the fact that he might not get all of his memory back when it comes to us or other things that have happened in these past four and a half years.
In simpler words, we each need this whether we want to admit it or not.