I open my eyes. It’s in the afternoon, I don’t know why I’m still in bed. It’s weird, I feel like blood is streaming down slowly from my brain. I close my eyes again, I feel like I’m going down into the water... I never know that we could see the Sun from under the sea.
I walk around Shin’s condo. He is at work. I’ve been here for three days and I still can’t remember which way to the kitchen. Why did he pick up me, a stupid guy, from the street?
Even my parents got tired of my mental illness. They were disappointed because I couldn’t graduate from high school. I don’t want to go home.
Shin phoned me three times today but I didn’t take the last one.
I open his kitchen cabinet. There are medicine for pain, motion sickness and a lot of sleeping pills! Shin is such a healthy young man, why does he need them for? I find an expensive bottle of brandy. I look for a real brandy glass and find the perfect one. That is very important for the last moments of my life. I swallow all the pills with the brandy in the beautiful glass.
I’m on the balcony on the 10th floor. The Sun smiles between the tall buildings. I can’t remember what floor I’m on, even I’ve been here for three days. Why does Shin like me? He is nice-looking, smart and talented, he could get any guy. I’m losing consciousness, leaning against the fence and looking down the busy road.
Someone grabs my shoulders from behind. “Jun! Are you trying to kill yourself?” the distant voice says. I fall into his arms. Shin kisses me and whispers to me, “I came back because you didn’t pick up the phone”.
I woke up in the ambulance. Someone asks Shin if we live together and he said yes, but that’s not true. I don’t have a home. The ambulance stops at a hospital. There is no fountain at the front yard. “This is not my hospital!” I refuse to get out of the ambulance but I can’t move very much. My hospital has a beautiful fountain with a praying angel. I had spent a lot of time in that hospital since I was a child.
This morning, I woke up at a strange hospital. A strange nurse says that my psychiatrist is on the phone. He has known me for a long time since I was ten years old. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder by him. I don’t want to talk to him but the nurse presses the cell phone against my ear. “Jun, you’re not teenager anymore! You should take care of yourself!” He yells at me for ten minutes. Shin has been with me but he is a busy businessman, always on the PC or the phone.
Surprisingly, I am released from hospital later today. I walk with Shin and pass through the front yard. This is not my hospital. Mine has a fountain with an angel surrounded by flowers. I tell Shin, “I’m thirsty, let’s go to a cafe”.
In the cafe, I pretend to go to the bathroom and I escape from the back door. I take the subway nearby and get out at the station that I’ve never heard before. I’m at the strange small park with a lot of kids. I hate kids, I always imagine their bad future whenever I see kids.
I want to go somewhere else but I can’t walk any more. I’m still drugged. I’m tired of my life, my mood swings, anxiety and thoughts of suicide bother me all the time. They never go away.
My cell phone is ringing, it’s from Shin. I don’t answer. I look around the park, all kids have gone home. I listen to my voice mail. “If you tell me where you are, I’m coming to pick you up.” he said. He sounds very worried about me. “I’m OK, I’m just going back to live on the street”.
Shin calls me again. I answer the phone. “Jun, I would like to help you, I’ll make sure you go to see your psychiatrist regularly and go back to school.” He sounds like he is crying. I suddenly remember the station’s name. “I’ll be there, don’t go anywhere. I know you’re sweet and innocent. I love you, Jun.” Now he is really crying.
Why is it so hard to decide what I want? Why don’t I want to lie to myself or to anybody.
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