A Helluva Way to Begin…
Most people would tell you that October is a magical time. Yes, fall is in the air. The leaves are changing color, it’s the perfect time for a cup of hot coffee before stepping out to do some shopping, and everything is pumpkin spice. Now, any other time in my life, I’m one hundred percent on board with all that shit, I really am. But speaking as a fourth-grade teacher, let me tell you what the month of October is really like. Let me see how to explain this to those of you who might not have kids or work with kids. You see, a classroom is like a fucking petri dish for diseases.
Kids with coughs, colds, the flu, all come to school wiping their little snot filled noses on their sleeves, arms, and hands… and yes, the boys are notorious for wiping those boogers right from their faces with their hands. Then they come over to see me. I swear I feel like I should come to school wearing a fucking bio-hazard suit!
Now you all might be asking, Gabby, you’re a teacher, aren’t you used to this shit? And the answer to that is, oh hell yeah, I am. But there is a reason for all this concern. I need to know what bug is going around, and whether it will have you coughing or a nose full of snot, or have you throwing up or giving you the Hersey squirts... fun shit. Literally! Well, because my man wanted to get married on Halloween. Yup, you heard me right, Hallo-freaking-Ween. I swear he’s hanging out too much with Brian. But honestly, it doesn’t bother me… I mean hell, I’ve got a wicked sense of humor.
So, the week before my wedding, I was pumping vitamin C in me like a mother fucker and made sure I had my hand sanitizer at the ready. I even thought about a surgical mask… you know, the kind that’s like a big clear shield doctors wear when they’re going to hack into someone. This way, my face would be covered when one of my students decides to sneeze and not cover their mouths. But in hindsight, I should’ve known better.
Half my class was out with the flue or some stomach bug from hell, and after a long day and a room full of coughing and sneezing, I was cleaning up my class when Linda came to see me. “I’m so excited about going to your wedding on Saturday!” She squealed.
“I know I can’t wait. Then me and Bodie are heading off to Hawaii.” I smiled, leaning against one of the desks. “I’m going to lay in the sun and just relax for a week before coming back for the holiday rush.”
“Oh, I’m so jealous.” She swooned. “Well, see you tomorrow.”
“Yup, see you tomorrow.” I laughed, even more excited about Saturday, then I was a moment ago, if that was even possible. But when I lifted my hand up off the desk, it felt sticky. “What the hell…?” I brought my hand up to see a milky white gelatinous goop on my hand. Then I saw it was Trever Hassels desk who had gone home early today. “Oh, no. Oh, hell, no!”
I ran over to the box of tissue, wiping the biohazard glop from my hand when Andy Dunn, the principal, leaned into the room, giving me a startle. “Shit Andy, you scared the hell out of me!” I breathed.
“Sorry about that. But I wanted to make sure that you got the memo about the time change on the fire drill.” Andy chuckled, as my hand was on my heart and still beating out of my chest.
“Yeah, I got it.”
“Good. After that, I’m going to need you to start the assembly tomorrow. Diana just left sick as a dog.”
“Ah, yeah, sure, I’ll do it.” I shrugged.
“Great. Well, see you in the morning. And hey, better watch yourself. People are dropping off like flies this year with all the bugs going around. It would suck to miss your own wedding.” He laughed… the ass.
“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind,” I said with a forced smile. At this point, I wonder if I should just take the rest of the week off to stay the hell and away from all these sick ass people. I wadded up the tissue and threw it in the trash before running my hands over my face and wondering if Andy would be really pissed if I called out tomorrow. It took me only a second to realize what I had done. “Shit!” I ran over to the kid’s bathrooms and washed my hands with soap and water, and then looked at myself in the mirror. Then proceeded to scrub my face of any toxins that might have transferred from my hand to my face in that one stupid move. “Oh please, God, please, please, please, don’t let me get sick. I promise I won’t write any more porn if you could do that for me.” I prayed, with my fingers crossed.
It was the Friday night before the big day. Me, Stacy, and Mary were over at my place eating Alexis pizza and drinking light beer with a comedy movie on the TV. Stacy had hung up my Cinderella wedding dress in the front room. It was so gorgeous; I can’t believe my ass was going to be wearing it! It was just like something a princess would wear with its lace and blinged-out top and then flared out at the waist with oodles upon oodles of tulle that trailed out from behind me. I swear I felt like I belonged in some sort of wedding magazine or something.
“I can’t believe you’ll be in Hawaii for a whole week while we’re all here freezing our butts off. You’re so lucky.” Mary smiled, laying back on the sofa.
“Oh yeah, I’m so looking forward to getting away from snot season for a little bit.” I laughed, snatching another slice of pizza pie heaven.
“Hey, watch how many you eat. Do you want to be able to fit into your dress tomorrow?” Stacy asked, sipping on some ginger ale.
“Damn, Stace… I’m drinking light beer.” I argued.
“So, what’s the first thing you plan to do when you get to Honolulu?” Mary giggled.
“The first thing I plan to do…” I murmured with my hand to my chin, then grinned. “I plan to get knocked up the first night. After that, I’ll just let Bodhi take me to all the sights that he wants to see.”
“That’s it? There’s nothing more you want to go do? Swim with the dolphins, climb a volcano, go to a luau? I mean, it’s Hawaii, Gabby.” Mary asked.
Stacy started laughing so hard I thought she might pee her pants. “Mary, this is Gabby, we’re talking about here. At best, she’s going to go to the beach. Then we all know she’ll be at the hotel.”
“She could try surfing. Scott says that Bodhi’s a really good surfer.” Mary offered, and that had me chuckle while Stacy laughed even harder at the thought of me trying to get on a surfboard.
“I would pay good money to see Gabby try to surf!” She gasped for breath.
“Hey, I just might… but I really can’t see that happening. I can see me getting swept out to sea before I could even get on the damn board. That would make for an interesting honeymoon.” I sighed, but then grinned at Stacy wiping her eyes. “But I’m going to be in a spectacular place with good food, sunshine, and heat. I’m also going to have a smokin’ hot man with me that will have sex with me any ol’ time I want it. And ladies let me tell you… I plan on spankin’ that super fine ass and doing things with him that would make you blush and heading to church to ask penance for my wicked soul.” I winked.
“Your mouth Gabby.” Stacy smiled.
“The heck with her mouth… her mind!” Mary laughed.
“Thank you, ladies. It is my lot in life to shock the hell out of people. If I can do that with you two, then I know I’m fulfilling my role in life.” I said holding up my beer. “Let’s have a toast to long erotic nights, the men we love, and the deprive shit we want to do to them!”
“Cheers!” Stacy and Mary answered, all tapping our beers together.
We all laughed, sitting around the coffee table when Stacy asked the question that she had asked for about the tenth time that night. “What do you think the guys are doing right now?”
Mary bit her lip. “I’m afraid to ask with all those Navy guys that showed up.” Her hands went to smooth out her shirt before glancing back up at me. “What do you think, Gabby?”
“Well, you want the truth?”
“Ugh, of course, I do,” Stacy answered obviously overrun with pregnancy hormones.
“Do you really want to know … I mean, you know me. I don’t filter shit.” I reminded them with a raised brow.
“Damn it, just tell us what you think.” Stacy hissed.
“Fine, I’ll tell you,” I said, holding up my hands so my bestie wouldn’t go full psycho on my ass.
Good thing there was only plastic knives around. “I think there at some sort of booby bar watching women strip and getting their asses drunk.” I shrugged.
“What?” Mary gasped.
“No, you don’t think that?” Stacy accused.
“Sure, I do. If I was a guy and getting married, that’s what I would be doing.” I answered.
“Yeah, but you’ve got a perverted brain.” Stacy accused.
“Damn skippy, I do!” I laughed shaking my head. “And that’s all the more reason for me to be right. I mean, come on. I write shit that would make most guys blush. Also, having all of Bodhi’s ex-navy seal friends come into town for the wedding, they’re not going to want to look like a bunch of pussy’s… I’m just sayin’.” When I said that, I saw how much that answer affected my two innocent minded buddies. So, there was only one thing that I could do. “Alright, ladies, get your coat and let’s get going.” I said, getting up from the floor and going to get my jean jacket.
“Hey, where are we going?” Stacy asked, taking her peacoat from the back of the chair.
“Out,” I said, holding the door open as they walked out and to my car. “Oh and Mary, if you tell Scott I corrupted you I’m going to…well, just go ahead and tell him. But make sure I’m around to see his reaction!” I chuckled getting my purse and keys. “High-ho, high-ho, it off to New Hampshire we go!” I laughed, locking my front door.
Forty-five minutes later, we pulled up to a big block looking building with a parking lot full of cars with a pink neon sign that flashed “Wild Mustangs” “Okay, ladies, here we are. Now let’s go in and have some fucking fun.” I winked, giving them each twenty dollars in ones.
“What is this for?” Mary asked.
“To shove it into the beefcakes g-string.” I laughed, walking to the front door.
“How did you know this was here?” Mary’s voice whispered, and that had me and Stacy both turn to look at her an incredulous stare. “What?”
“It’s Gabby. Of course, she would know where a men’s strip club would be.” Stacy sighed, making me snicker.
“So, have you been to one before?” Mary asked me.
“Well, no.” I shrugged. “But this is my last day of freedom… might as well go out with a bang!” I laughed going to the front door. “And ladies, don’t shove the money in too deep, or you might get a surprise.”
“What?” Mary gasped, stopping in her tracks.
Stacy put her arm around her and started pulling her in. “She’s just messing with you.”
“Oh, am I?” I said with a lifted brow and then dropped my keys in Stacy’s hand. “Alright, prego. Since you can’t drink, I am.”
“We shouldn’t stay too long. You need to get your beauty sleep Gabby. You don’t want to go to your own wedding, looking like a corpse.”
“Sure, we’ll only stay for an hour,” I answered as we walked into the flashing lights and men dancing on the floor with cowboys’ hats, chaps, and a big bulge and a bare ass. I saw lots of women and also a lot of men watching the show. “We might have to get rough with the guys to get a front-row seat.” I laughed, going to a table.
“Your terrible.” Stacy laughed.