Hindsight is Always Fifty-F*@%ing-fifty...
My head thumped in time with the annoying buzzing sound that would not shut the fuck up no matter how hard I pressed my eyes shut. My hand reached out, hitting the snooze button for the umpteenth time, and my head went under my pillow to keep the big bad world away from me and my pleasant dreams. But when I thought I was in the clear, the covers were ripped off me, and a very sober and wide-awake voice beamed at me. “Time to get up, Gabby. You don’t want to be late for your own wedding.” Stacy said, shaking my shoulder.
I reluctantly took my head out from under the pillow and glanced up at my BFF with blurry, watery eyes. “Why did you let me drink so much?” I groaned.
“I tried to stop you if your crazy ass would remember, but you told me not to be a wet mop.” She sighed. “I swear when you drink, your terminology gets so fifties.”
“Ugh… I know. What time is it anyway?”
“It’s nine. Mary has already been up and puking in the toilet.” She said but tried to hide her smile. “I don’t think she’ll ever want to go out with us again.”
“Yeah, that might be a smart move,” I answered, getting up from the bed and heading to the bathroom. “I’m going to have to do something about this hangover woman. Any ideas for a fast and easy cure?”
“Yeah, don’t go out the night before your wedding and get drunk.” She shrugged.
“Oh, that’s a good one. Hardy-har-har!” I grumped splashing water on my face and then started in with my teeth.
“I’ve got you covered; the coffee is already going, and there’s a bottle of ibuprofen waiting for you downstairs. But you need to get ready. You have to be at the hairdresser in thirty minutes, and I want to make sure you get something in your stomach.”
“Yes, mom,” I answered with a mouth full of toothpaste, only to have her turn green and run to the toilet to get sick. “Shit, are you sure you weren’t drinkin’ last night, Stace?” I chuckle only for her to give me the finger while her head was deep into the bowl. But after my morning go-go juice and a light breakfast, Stacy made me eat, we were off and running to get our hair, nails, and makeup done.
A couple hours later, I was standing in front of a full-length mirror looking at someone who didn’t look like me at all…but was. “Oh my gosh, Stace, can this really be happening?” I whispered, having a Cinderella moment twisting all the frilly fabric this way and that as I looked at myself.
“You look so beautiful!” She gushed.
“Do you really think so?” I asked.
“Oh yeah. Bodhi is going to lose his mind!”
“I think he’ll lose his mind on the lingerie, not the wedding dress.” I laughed.
“Well, I think you’re wrong. Anyways, we’ll see who’s right in about twenty minutes” She smiled when Mary ran into the room.
“Stacy, I ah… I need to talk to you.” She panted, and I swear my nerves shot up to outer space.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, starting to make my way over.
“Oh, nothing. I, ah, just need to talk to Stacy for a minute.” She answered, taking Stacy by the arm.
“Fine, fine.” Stacy sighed, walking out of the room with Mary. A minute later, Stacy came into the room white as a fucking ghost.
“What’s going on?!”
“Well, the guys aren’t here yet, and Mary can’t get ahold of them… any of them.” She murmured.
“What?” I asked, stupidly already hearing what she fucking said.
Stacy rushed over, helping me to take a seat on the sofa that was against the wall. “Don’t worry, sweetie. I’m sure it’s no big deal. Everything is going to be fine.” She said, but I knew that smile she was giving me, and it was saying something entirely different!
“What if Bodhi took off, and Brian is trying to get him from getting on the plane to head back to Arizona!” I said wide-eyed jumping up and started pacing, wondering if I was going to be one of those women that were jilted at the altar and completely freaking the fuck out!
“Come on, Gabby, you know that isn’t what happened.”
“Yeah… because Bri would get him the fucking ticket to go!”
Stacy didn’t say anything to that but shook her head. “Look, I’m going to go call Bri and see where they’re at.” She said, patting my arm. “So, take a deep breath and relax.”
“I am relaxed,” I stated, twisting my hands together. “Maybe we should go talk to the priest and tell him the gigs up. My hottie turned tail and ran his ass off on me.” I answered, on the verge of tears. “And you know what’s even worse? I think I’m getting a sore throat. So not only am I going to get stood up… I’m going to be home sick, so I won’t be able to go out and get myself plastered to deal with it.”
“Ugh… You’re such a pessimist.” She sighed. “I’m sure this is all easily explained. There's a Xanax in my purse go take one out. It will help you calm down while I see what’s going on.” She stated with her cell in hand and left.
As soon as she was gone, I dropped to the sofa. I stared over at her purse, wondering if I should take something… I felt like my heart was going to jump right out of my chest! After an internal debate with myself, I jumped up and rummaged through Stacy’s purse until I found the pills. “She said to take one…” I murmured, reading the instructions, but desperate times call for extreme measures. “Fuck it.” I shrugged and popped two instead. You know, just to make sure I took the edge off of getting my ass dumped. But in hindsight, two Xanax probably wasn’t the smartest idea I ever had.
At first, I thought, maybe this shit doesn’t work, and thought about popping another to get the juices flowing. But then it felt like my body was getting really tired, and someone took all the anxiety out of me… like deflating a balloon. “Man, that shit is good.” I giggled, and my hand went over my mouth. Did I just giggle? My arms started to feel light as I lifted my finger to my face and wiggled them. I giggled again then saw a bird fly past the window, and well, it was kind of funny. I didn’t know that bluebirds had such big asses. I’m just sayin’!
When Stacy came back into the room, I had made myself comfy on the couch but was sitting on it upside down. “Hey, chickie! You should see the world from down here!” I laughed.
“What are you doing?” She asked, but I wasn’t sure what to tell her. Instead, I pulled at a layer of the see-through fabric that had fallen over my face.
“I wanted a different view of the world. Man, that is some fucking good shit you gave me!” I laughed. “And you should see all the shit shoved under this couch. You’d lose your ever-loving mind!”
“Ah, Gabby. Brian said that him, Bodhi, and Scott were out hunting last night and their truck got stuck in the mud this morning. That’s why he didn’t pick up the phone… he didn’t leave you.” She offered.
“So, he went out to shoot Bambie and then gut it to get prepared for the wedding… I wonder if that’s some sort of male ritual, or maybe his way of getting prepared for married life. But you have to admit, it does say something.” I shrugged, crossing my feet at the top of the sofa. “You know, when you are upside down for a long time, you can feel kind of funky.”
“Okay… so, sweetie, Bodhi will be here in a minute. Bri said that there going to be a little dirty because there coming straight from the woods to the church, “She offered.
“No, what I mean is… you need to get up so you can go get married.”
“Oh yeah, married… when?” I asked.
“Now!” She huffed.
Stacy’s hands flew to her hips. “What is wrong with you? You were freaking out a minute ago that you were jilted at the altar and now look at you,” She stopped and went over to her purse and took out the pills. “Did you take one of these?”
“Well, actually, I took two.” I giggled, turning over and sliding from the sofa to the floor.
“Good Lord, you didn’t!”
“Yeah, but now I’m chill,” I grinned, I think, my face felt kind of nummy, and then laid on my stomach with my hands under my chin. “Hey, I kina look like Marilyn Monroe like this. Don’t ya think?”
Stacy’s mouth dropped, and before she answered my question, Mary came running into the room. “They’re here! They’re a little messy, but there freshening up in the bathroom right now. Brian wanted me to tell you that they’ll be out in five minutes. The priest is ready…” She huffed out of breath, then her eyes dropped to the floor and at me. “Um, what’s going on? Why is Gabby laying like that on the floor?”
“I’m a movie star now. Can’t you tell?” I answered, stretching out.
“Um, what?” Mary asked, glancing over at Stacy.
Stacy’s lips were hard-lined, and her cheeks were fire engine red. “Go get Brian,” She answered as Mary came over helping me sit up.
“Brian? But why?” Mary questioned.
“There’s been a change of plan on whose walking her down the aisle,” Stacy answered, and Mary nodded before running back out.
I reached up and put my hand to Stacy’s red cheek. “You look like you’re going to bust a gut you’re so pissed! But, damn it, it just so, so, fucking funny!” I laughed, and then couldn’t stop, and I mean, I really couldn’t stop! Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I gasped for breath and started hitting the floor. My side was hurting and went to try to unzip my dress when Brian walked in. When I saw the look on his face and what he was wearing, that made me laugh even harder. “Hey, Bri, nice fucking boots you got there!”
“What the hell is going on?” Brian asked.
“She thought Bodhi stood her up, so I told her to take something to relax. She took two instead.”
“Well, she looks relaxed now. Crazy, but relaxed.” He shrugged pulling me from the floor. “Go get the music started, Stace, and tell them we’re coming.”
With a nod of her head, she wobbled out of the room, making me chuckle and Brian tried to wrap my arm around his. “I got this!” I answered, shoving him away.
“Yeah, sure you do.” He sighed as I stumbled in the heels that Stacy made me wear. “Come on, Gab, let’s go get you hitched… Oh! And it’s not my fault that we got stuck in the mud. I was just taking Bodhi to our old hunting spot. I thought it would be fun, and we’re a little hungover. So don’t be pissed.” He said draping my arm around his neck and walking us out of the room.
“That’s cool. I took the girls to watch some mustangs.” I giggled.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You know, studs with big packages and bare asses. Mary must have shoved fifty bucks down that guys thong. It was wicked fun, and we’re more than a little hungover!” I laughed, hard.
“Hey, I never said I was some Betty fucking Crocker, you know.” I reminded him.
“That is something I’ve always known… Bodhi might be in for a shock, though!”
“Nah, he likes the way I give him a blow job to think I’m all prim and proper.” I snickered.
“That was way too much fucking information there, woman!” He growled only making me laugh harder. “Come on, Gabby, pull it together; they’re playing the music.” And they were, and my man was waiting for me.