A Cinderella Wedding… My Ass
My head felt like it was in a fishbowl, or maybe my head was a fishbowl; I couldn’t tell. I stood at the wooden doors with Brian’s arm wrapped around my waist as I felt my stomach turn. My vision was made worse from the fabric in front of my face, and I wanted to rip it off when the doors opened, and the sound of music started to play. The sanctuary looked like a fucking orange creamsicle pop. Gazillions of twinkle lights winking at me to boot! It was like the ice cream man came and hosed the place down.
My head started to ache as I looked out at the taffeta ribbons and fabric thrown all over the sanctuary. The lights were low, making it hard for me to see what was in front of me and tripping over the cream upholstery that Stacy had put on the floor. I swear her themes were going to kill me at some point. Twenty bucks says the pastor is in some kind of get-up to match the theme that Stacy had envisioned for my romantic fall wedding. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a nineteen-fifties ice cream man costume or something else. The image of a man of the cloth in an outfit like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz came to mind, and started to chuckle, then giggle, and then outright laugh out loud. “Here, Toto, come on, boy. Where’s auntie May Toto?” I snickered, patting my bouquet against my dress. Brian rolled his eyes. But I’m sure he was thinking what everyone else was thinking in that place; I was about to make all of Stacy’s hard work planning my wedding go down the provincial shitter.
“What in the fuck are you doing?” Bri asked under his breath.
“It’s like the Wizard of Oz in here. Oh, we’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz. We hear he is a whiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was,” I was about to sing more because, for some reason, it felt liberating, but my head whooshed. “Whoa,” I murmured, and my legs felt weak.
Brian’s arms caught me, helping me stand right-side-up and dragged me down the aisle while singing under his breath. “Here comes the bride, apparently fried. When she gets sobber, she’s going to want to die,” But that only had me laughing harder. His grip tightened, and my arm hung over his shoulder along with the bouquet of mums that apparently, he was allergic to because he started sneezing. “Shit, get the flowers out of my face, crazy lady.”
“You don’t like the flowers, Brian? Awe, what’s wrong? Stacy picked them out.” I laughed, putting the flowers up his nose.
He pulled them from my hand and held them as I glanced up and saw Bodhi standing upfront in a tux with mud-clad hunting boots but still looking so damn sexy! “My man looks so hot. I can’t wait to tap that ass tonight!” I said probably a little louder than I should have in Brian’s ear.
“Damn it, Gabby, I don’t want to know what you’re doing with Bodhi tonight!”
“Or what I’m going to do to his ass, apparently.” I snickered.
“Yeah, I don’t want to know shit like that!”
“Noted.” I giggled, but then it was as if someone unplugged me from my energy source. My arm came off Brian’s shoulder, and all I wanted to do was just sit down for a minute. “Hold on, Bri, I’m drained,” I said, slipping from his arms like a wet noodle to the floor.
“Come on, Gab, here comes the bride.” He growled, picking me back up. “Don’t you want to tap that ass?”
“I thought I couldn’t talk about fucking Bodhi?”
“Just come on, let’s just get you down the aisle so he can deal with you, and not me.”
When I saw my man looking at me, I wanted nothing more than to run down the aisle and jump into his arms, but my feet hurt like a bitch in the calf killers Stacy had picked out for me to wear. “These fucking shoes are killing me!” I whined, then lifted up the dress with one hand, and holding onto Brian with the other, I kicked off the first shoe and sent it flying across the sanctuary. Then with another good kick, the last one knocked some guy right in the middle of his forehead. “Oops, my bad!” I waved as some people gathered around the man I had never seen before.
“Shit Gabby, try not to mame everyone in the damn church before this is through,” Brian growled. I gave him a thumbs-up, but the world wobbled, and he held me by the arms before I shook him off.
“I got it, I got it!” I shouted, pushing him away and holding out my arms. My voice echoed throughout the church, making Bri’s hands fly up and back away, but just enough so he could stop my world from going ass over end.
He came back to me a second later and wrapped his hand back around my waist. “Then let’s get that ass going, crazy woman!” He hissed under his breath.
“Check.” I saluted.
I saw Bodhi take a step towards us but then stood back in place when Brian’s hand came up. Somehow I managed to make it to the front, but I don’t remember walking there when Bodhi held out his hand to me, all three of them. “Which one do I take?”
“The middle one.” Brian sighed.
“Oh, okay.” I shrugged, reaching out and taking the one that felt real. Bodhi’s arm replaced Brian’s and pulled me into place next to him in front of the priest.
My arms wrapped around Bodhi’s neck, and I tried to kiss him, but the damn vail was getting in my way. “Hey, sexy. How about you and I run into the back room, and you rock my world.” I murmured but took the back of my hand, trying to wipe away the fabric that was caught in my lipstick. “I need to take this damn thing off,”
“Gabby, wait,” Bodhi started, but it was too late. I ripped that stupid veil off my face and threw it at Mary, who gasped. There was a loud chuckle coming from behind me, and I turned around along with Stacy, Brian, Bodhi, and Mary to see Scott. I lifted up my hand, waving at him, and he was about to wave back but stopped, fixed his tie, and covered his mouth with his hand.
With a frown, I turned back around and blinked my eyes a couple times, feeling like I had rubbed some Elmer’s glue in them, and looked at the old man who was waiting on me. “What’s up, padre?” I snickered.
Bodhi chuckled next to me, but the priest didn’t find my comment half as funny as I did. “Young lady, do we have to postpone this wedding?” The priest asked.
“What are you, my father?” Then I smiled, then chuckled, and then laughed. “Get it, father?”
“Yes, and I can see you are not in your right mind to be here,”
“I’m in my right mind. In fact, I feel fan-fucking-tastic!” I exclaimed to the whole church.
The priest’s mouth dropped and then closed tightly, and he was about to say something when Bodhi cleared his throat. “Excuse me, father, but we are ready. Besides, do you really want us to come back for another wedding?”
“Then shall we begin?”
“Yup, and hurry it up. I want to get laid.” I winked.
The priest rolled his eyes just like my mother would have and started. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man, and this woman, in holy matrimony,”
Even though this was the happiest day of my life, my head pounded with every word that man spoke. The fishbowl that was my head now felt like a murky swamp, and my legs were stuck in quicksand trying to stand on dry ground. “And furthermore,” said the priest, and then it all sounded like he was screaming something at me. I watched his mouth move, cringing with every new word and the piddle of spit that was gathering in the corner, and I couldn’t contain myself. I reached up and put my fingers to his lips so the man would just shut up. “young lady, what do you think you are doing?”
“I need you to shut the hell up. That voice of yours is killing me!”
“I beg your pardon?” The priest said from under my finger.
“Can you please, for the love of everything that’s holy, just whisper for me?”
“How will everyone hear me if I whisper?”
“I don’t care; they’re not the ones getting married, I am,” I murmured, and even that made my head hurt.
He moved my hand from his mouth and gave me a look that made me want to laugh and call him Gail, but I was too busy just trying to stay upright at the moment.
Then Bodhi leaned into the man. “And I suggest you do the quick, quick version of the vows or who knows how long we are going to be here.”
“Very well,” The priest grumbled. “Do you Bodhi Alexander Lyons,”
“Shhh, still too loud,” I said, making the bouquet of flowers go down.
“Do you Bodhi,”
“Lo,” I whispered, indicating with my hand
“Do?” He said in a barely audible voice.
“Great.” I sighed when his voice wasn’t grating on my ears, and Bodhi chuckled, making the man of the cloth look like God himself wasn’t going to be able to make this man from losing his shit!
I’m not really sure what happened after that, but I think me and Bodhi got hitched because now I’m sitting at a table with Stacy having me drink with a shit load of water on one hand and pouring coffee down my throat on the other. “How are you feeling?”
“Like you took a bat to my head,” I mumbled, sipping on the water.
“Well, maybe next time you won’t do something so stupid!”
“I’m hoping there will never be a next time, sweetie.” I laughed and then held my head because of it. “Ugh, my stomach is upset,”
“You need to eat something.”
“Yes, so you don’t end up with your head in a toilet all night long.”
“What are we having?”
“Great, then let’s serve it up so I can get going,” I answered.
Stacy brought out a bottle of pills and shook two into her hands. “Take this,”
“Do you think it’s a good idea for me to take anything else?”
“It’s just ibuprofen. It will help shake that headache.”
Stacy smiled and then was off to get me some food. Bodhi came up alongside me, and all I could do was moan at what he must have thought. “Are you mad?”
“Why would I be mad? Most guys have boring weddings. Mine could go down as one that could be in an epic comedy movie.” He chuckled. “Loved the part where Henry got hit in the head with your heel.”
“A friend of mine from the seals.”
My hand went to my head, trying to duck out of anyone seeing me. “Oh, that’s just great!”
“Don’t worry about it, teach. He’s been through worse in Afghanistan. But now he has bragging rights about getting hit at a wedding.” He winked, then he took my hand and kissed it. “Bri said you thought that I wasn’t going to show up. Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know; it just made sense to me, I guess.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Well, your gorgeous, smart, talented, and could have any woman you want on this planet. I guess I thought you might have realized that and left for greener pastures.”
At that moment, he took my face in his hands, so we were eye to eye, and he was staring at me. “I’m only going to say this to you once just so we are clear on where I stand. You Gabby are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my life, inside and out.”
“Liar,” I grinned.
“I’m not lying. You’re a teacher, you’re a writer, you are so damn funny and quick-witted you make every day an adventure,”
“I bet you won’t be saying that a year from now.”
“I will be saying it for the rest of my life, sweetheart. And that’s the way I want it to be.”
“What happens if I get fat from having babies?”
“Then I’ll love you all that much more. I married Gabby, all of her for who she is. We are going to grow old together, go through lots of things in our lives together. But whether you stay the way you are or gain a hundred pounds. Whether your hair grays and you get wrinkles on your face, you will be my Gabby, forever.”
I stared into those blues eyes and wished that the reception was already over because I wanted to have this man in every rated X scenario I could imagine! “I love you, Bodhi Lyons,”
“I love you too, Gabby Lyons,”
“I really like the way that sounds, you know that.”
“Good, it’s the name you’ll have for the rest of your life.”
“How about you take me into the back room and have your way with me,”
“How about we get some food in you and then cut the cake and have our first dance. Then if you want me to take you in the back room, you got it.” He chuckled.
“Okay, but only because I don’t want to get sick on you when you’re bending me over,” I smirked, making him stop from taking a sip of his drink.
“Woman, you are going to make life well worth living, you know that?”
“I’m sure in hell going to try,”
An hour later, I had eaten and cleaned myself up from the cake that Bodhi shoved into my face… don’t be mad, I got him in the face first; I couldn’t help myself!
The band that Stacy had hired showed up and was playing, and I couldn’t tell if I loved them or hated them. Every song they sang was filled with the word fuck. It seemed like every fourth word, or so, he would just stick the word in there whether it was a fast song or a slow one. So, if he was singing a slow song like, I want to kiss you and love you all over, it was singing instead like, I want to fucking kiss you and fuck you all over. I kid you not! I started laughing; I couldn’t help myself. This guy thought of the word fuck like I did, and I mother fucking loved it! But Stacy, on the other hand, with raging pregnancy hormones coursing through her body, was about to have a complete meltdown.
I was about to walk over to her when the lights went low, and the lead singer stopped his profanity long enough to speak. “It’s time for the bride and the groom’s first dance!” He shouted, and everyone clapped. I think it was Bodhi’s military buddies that gave the loud whistles that set my head a pounding again, but I trudged on regardless. Before I got onto the dance floor, I went up to the singer.
“I’ll give you three hundred dollars if you sing the next song without a single swear word in it. Let’s give the pregnant lady a little bit of a break. What do you say?”
“It’s your wedding.” The man said with a wicked smirk.
“That’s what I’ve been told,” I said and then walked over to Bodhi, who was standing in the middle of the floor waiting for me. He took my hand, and the music started. I can honestly say dancing there in Bohdi’s arms in my white dress was like living in a fairytale. I was Cinderella, and I finally had my very own prince charming.
After a couple minutes, Brian cut in, and then Bodhi’s friend Dusty, and then another person, and another, until I thought there were none left. But that, of course, that wasn’t the case. When the next guy cut in, I stopped cold in my tracks, but he took me by the waist and started to dance with me on the dance floor while all my friends and people I don’t even know were murmuring.
“Lee, what in the hell are you doing here?” I growled under my breath, glancing around for Bodhi.
“I wanted to see you one last time before I leave for Europe on a skating thing.”
“You wanted to see me on my wedding day? Do you want to get yourself killed or something? Do you know how many navy seals are here right now?”
“Awe, are you worried for my safety or something, Gabs?”
“Of course I am… do you think I want to get blood on my dress?”
That Lee smirk came to his face, and I squinted my eyes, knowing he had something brewing in that thick head of his. “I just wanted to let you know that I still love you, and no matter what happens, I’m here for you. Always.”
“What the fuck Lee? Have you been binge-watching Harry Potter, again or what?” I scoffed.
He stopped dancing, and with the spotlight on us and everything, he kissed me. I could hear the gasps and the guys swearing when he pulled away and said, “Just remember what I said.” And then he was gone. Bohdi came over, taking me in his arms, “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I think so,”
“What did he want?”
“Nothing, just being stupid. Which is a very Lee thing.” I smiled, not wanting this day to get any crazier than it already was. “Let’s not think about Lee and instead think about how much I want to join the mile-high club with my husband.”
“Are you really thinking about that?”
“Ah, yeah. I’ve got to make my diary wicked cool and exciting. This way, when I die, and our kids read through it, it will scandalize them!”
“Well, the last thing I would want to do is take away something that will mentally damage our children when they get older.” He chuckled.
“See, I knew I married the right man.” I laughed and then threw my arms around his neck and kissed him.
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