Pain, it’s only temporary. Pain, it won’t last forever. But pain, it’s worse than death.
It’s the kind of pain that’s numbing, thats cold, so cold that you think you’re already dead. You think life couldn’t throw you deeper into your night terrors, those voices of lost loved ones, you hear when the wind whistles through the trees. The heart ache you feel when something so small, so precious, is ripped from your arms, and knowing there is nothing in God’s name that you can do to get it back.
Pain may only be temporary, but a broken heart lasts forever. A broken heart numbs your senses, it takes away your tears but reminds you everyday of the suffering.
I, Samantha Kane, will die of a broken heart one way or another, it’s just a matter of when.
My pale skin is cold and damp, a thin layer of cold sweat wraps itself around the back of my neck, making my hairs become plastered like cement across my skin. The chilled air incarcerates my breath, turning each puff into a ice-blast of pale white clouds. My teeth chatter quietly together as staggered clouds leave my blue cracked lips. My eyes move to the window opposite me, the condensation makes small droplets of water, patterned like scattered pepper kernels across the glass. Every angle I look I can see a different pattern, a different story to be told, a different colour from the outside world to be captured in those small droplets. I lay for a while staring at those droplets, thinking about what would happen if one were to fall. The pattern’s structural integrity would become compromised, and a domino effect of tear like streaks would fall one by one, each of which would fade in colour. The outside world exposed, every colour merging into one to show the nightmarish city that lays behind. This city is not my home, it’s a stranger in my eyes; a new city filled with new faces, new memories. But they’re not my memories.
My memories are filled with hurt and sorrow, everything good in my life has been ripped from me, like a lightening bolt struck from the sky and wiped all hope from existence. If my memories were summed up into those droplets each colour would be a dull grey.
I push myself up from where I lay, earning a pained growl from my mouth as I straighten the knots in my back. I pull the small red blanket from my lap up to my face to wipe away the cold sweat that layers itself on my skin. I feel each spiky bristle scratch across my cheeks like I’m having a session of acupuncture: pure hell.
I rub my eyes under the blanket to wipe the sleepy dust out from my waterlines and also to wake me up. God knows what time it is.
I look up towards my dashboard seeing an array of empty bottles and crisp packets still laying where I had thrown them the evening before. I scan through the empty crisp packets until I see a small zip-lock bag containing my tooth brush and toothpaste, I lean over and snatch the bag and other cleaning products from my passenger seat. I grab my pale green coat that’s hanging on my drivers seat and put it on stuffing my pockets with my bathroom products.
A long cold cloud fell from my lips as I wrap my fingers around the door handle closest to me, preparing myself for the cold. A split second and I feel my lips crack from the blast of cold air that whips around my face and through my hair. I pull my arms up to my chest trying to maintain what little warmth I have, i hate early mornings, it’s always cold.
It takes a couple minutes to walk from my car to the public toilets in this abandoned parking lot, I probably should have parked closer.
I push forcefully on the stubborn door leading to the ladies, I winch slightly grabbing my ribs feeling a throbbing sensation push on them. Maybe me dying is a lot closer than I thought.
I make a b-line straight for the toilets avoiding all mirrors in this place, I don’t want to see what I look like, I’m scared that I’ve lost who I am mentally and physically. At least if I don’t look at myself I won’t have lost both. I do my business, brush my teeth and wash myself, I know in a public toilet but it’s better than not cleaning. I walk back out still avoiding all eye contact with the mirrors and walk straight back to my car.
I slam the door behind me letting my teeth chatter as I pull my blanket over my body to reheat myself. I feel my chest begin to tighten as my lungs start to crackle with each breath I take, I cough ruthlessly into the crook my of elbow until my throat hurts. I slump back into the back seat trying to ease the pain in my body, something bad is happening inside of me and for once, I don’t care. My scars are open wide, the pain, it’s irrelevant to me now.
I close my eyes letting my mind wonder, the sound of the wind scraping its long fingernails over every dent in the car fades out into a static, this small ringing in the distance is all I can hear. I can’t tell wether it’s real or I’m just making this delusion of a peaceful moment up in my head. I sit for a moment just listening to the static, finding myself more and more at peace.
But suddenly, as if a rocket of dread and fear has exploded inside of me I feel my heart drop down into the pit of my stomach. My breathing becomes more rapid, my chin starts to quiver and my eyes water over. I listen to that voice over and over, he sounds so helpless and scared, every scream turns to ice in my body as my mind replays those words over again in my head.
‘Samantha please don’t let her take me away’ the voice pleads in my head, his cry’s getting louder and louder. I cover my hands over my ears as I rock back and forth.
‘Samantha please don’t let her take me away’
A sharp pain stabs my chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so, so sorry” a small line of spit falls from my lips as I shake my head side to side.
‘SAMANTHA PLEASE DON’T LET HER TAKE ME AWAY’ his voice booms in my head as I let out an ungodly scream. My chest gets tighter and a sour taste is left in my mouth, I drop my hands from my face and my head hangs there.
I look up with tears in my eyes to my rear-view mirror seeing my pale skin stretched tight across my cheek bones, the blackening circles around my sunken eye and my greasy brown hair starting to dread in parts. I look away in horror and disgust, I have lost all identity of myself. I’ve become this monster I’ve feared so long ago of becoming.
“I’m so sorry Matthew”