I was only able to take three days off of work. They were very understandable on the situation, but the movie is on a deadline. I hadn’t given much thought about the fight that Matty and I had two weeks ago, in fact I was actually over it. He keeps crossing these lines I don’t expect him to cross ever in his life. But he’s hurting inside and it’s my job to be there for him.
And I thought Matty was over it, too. But I guess I misread the situation back at the hospital when Kelia was in surgery. We haven’t talked, besides the whole checking-up-on-each-other thing. We don’t talk to each other at home, we don’t text when we are away from each other besides when we do our usual check up to see if we are safe, and we haven’t had sex since the night we got back from New York. It’s probably for the best. Caroline says it is.
I wasn’t entirely sure how someone found out about Luka and I, we were on a private beach and we were underneath a lean-to when we did kiss. The only people who could possibly know is Luka and I, and that’s why I’m so stuck on who tipped off the press. Luka swears he didn’t tell a soul about that night, but I obviously didn’t tell a soul.
You comin home late tonight?
I should be home on time, if I’m not home by 5 just order postmates.
I wish this stupid argument would end in the first place so we could go back to being perfect when we were children.
“Ready for you whenever, Kiera.” my intern, Rafael, popped his head into the crack of my door with a smile on his face.
“Thanks, I’ll be right out.” I smiled at him through the mirror, “By any chance, have you seen Luka around?”
“Yes, I believe he is in his dressing room now. I was about to head over there to tell him we are ready for him.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll do it for you.” I stood up from my vanity chair and walked toward the door.
“You sure? I don’t mind.”
“Don’t worry about it, I can do it for you. I wanted to talk to him anyway.” we started walking down the dressing room hallway.
“Can I get you anything before we start shooting? A coffee?”
“Yes! That’s why you’re my favorite intern, Rafael.” I placed my arm around his shoulder and gave him a tight squeeze.
“Don’t tell anyone, but I like you the most out of everyone here. You’re actually nice to me.” he smirked at me.
“Treat people the way you want to be treated, right?” I was genuinely being honest, I’ve always treated others with respect even when they used to disrespect me; like Bianca. “But I’ll see you at the set, thank you again.”
I knocked on Luka’s door, “Yo, who is it?”
I slowly turned the handle and opened the door, “It’s me. I was just coming to tell you that they are ready for us whenever.”
He let out a huff of air and turned his back to me with no emotion showing at all, “Okay. See you out there.”
“What the fuck, Luka.” I muttered in exhaustion from all the fighting I’ve been doing with multiple people. I can’t keep up with it all between being a full time mother, a full time celebrity, and all the arguing with people who are supposed to stick by my side no matter what.
I get it, I lied to Matty and I was a horrible person for doing that. But at the time? I was trying to spare his feelings. After all, he isolated himself completely from any existence to help find Sammy, catching the murdering asshole. At the time, I didn’t think he would be able to handle the truth about Luka spending the night here and there. At the time, I was thinking about him and nothing else.
“Hmm?” he turned around leaning on the back of his gray loveseat with a smug look on his face. That same look he holds when he doesn’t care about the topic of conversation.
That’s when I really felt it the first time. I’ve always judged people who turn to alcohol or drugs to mask their pain for a small amount of time but I’ll never judge anyone ever again.
I need a drink.
“What’s your deal? Do you not want to work with me anymore? Or be my friend at all?” I’m wasting my breath, but it just started pouring out of me. “I’ll ask to be written off in the movie if it really means that much to you.”
“Wo-o-o-ow.” he raised an eyebrow at me, with the same smug look on his face. “You really don’t see what the problem is?”
“I get it, I shouldn’t have lied about us kissing each other.”
“If you don’t see the problem that’s right in front of you, then I guess you have two problems to figure out.” he crossed his arms against his chest.
“You know what? You’re just wasting your breath, Kiera.” I shook my head as I rested it on my angled hand and mumbled to myself before I left the room. “We’re ready whenever you are.”
As I walked to the door I saw a packaged blunt wrap and I stopped before exiting and turned around to see Luka’s back turned to me so I grabbed it. I slammed the door behind me and took out my phone from my back pocket and opened Matty’s text thread.
I’m probably going to be late coming home, we are in the zone and doing great today so we want to get as much done as possible. You mind putting Kelia to bed for me tonight?
Why would I mind putting our daughter to bed? Lmfao
Thanks. See you later?
Left on read.
I need a break after work, away from everyone and everything.
Luka and I had finished six scenes today, first take on all of them. But the director had to go home due to family emergencies and when the director goes home, so does everyone else.
I ran to my Uber drivers car as fast as I could. I decided to leave my wig on until after I got home and leave my car at work and to take an Uber so I could get around town. A quick in and out of the store run without any paps following me and taking pictures.
“Closest liquor store, please.” I requested.
“No problem. Rough day at work?”
“Something like that.” I wanted to keep it to less than small talk. No talking at all would be better.
I put my headphones in and pretended to listen to music so that the young man wouldn’t talk to me. He pulled into a liquor store that was only two minutes away from work.
“I’ll be right back. Don’t leave.”
“Not a problem.” he smiled at me.
I walked into the liquor store and grabbed a 750ml bottle of Hennessey before I cashed out. I walked back to the Uber driver who was on his phone until I was fully buckled in and he turned back to me, “Where to next?”
“You think that’s a good idea when it’s this dark out?” he questioned me, “It looks like it’s going to rain.”
“Yep, the beach.”
“Okay then.” he shrugged at me and put the car in drive.
The car ride was silent while he drove down the empty streets. I opened the bottle in the brown paper bag so it wouldn’t show and I took a small swig of the hard liquor.
Yeah, that’s disgusting.
He pulled into the beach’s parking lot and put the car in park to unlock the doors. I reached into my wallet and handed him a one hundred dollar bill, “I don’t know if you know who I am but you can keep the change if you keep your mouth shut.”
“What’s your name?”
“That doesn’t matter. Take it.” I threw the money on his passenger seat in front of me and opened the door to start walking away before he could question me.
I took another sip of the hot liquor while I walked down the trail to get to the sand. I plopped myself onto the ground, and I started to feel a little buzz igniting inside of me. I watched for hours as the waves washed ashore and retreat back. Watching it over and over and over again.
“Fuck my life.” I muttered under my breath as I realized how drunk I was. I just wish I had bought the bigger bottle. I ran out of liquor and I haven’t escaped the world yet. “I’m so fucking drunk.”
I grabbed the blunt wrap from my bra and opened the Velcro. I swore to myself since I could remember that I would never touch a drug. But here I am, holding a leaf filled with marijuana and a lighter in my hand.
I tore my rose gold long straightened wig off from my head and pulled off the cap underneath it to let my hair flow with the wind. Plus, it was getting too itchy.
It had started to lightly thunder and seconds later I saw a lightening bolt strike above the water. “Of course, you want to storm tonight. What else could go wrong?” I finished off the last drop of the bottle and tossed it into the sand beside me. As soon as the glass bottle hit the ground it started pouring down rain as the sky started to fill with clouds.
“Would you look at that.” I rubbed my face dry of the wetness but it immediately got soaked again from the thick pouring down rain.
I didn’t know what to do anymore. I found myself crying with my head buried into my knees as the rain continued to soak my body as if I had gone swimming. I was hiding the blunt underneath my thighs to stop it from getting too wet because I still want it. I want to try it. Maybe it’ll help me get onto Luka’s level of relaxation. I’ve just about given up, with everything that had gone wrong in my life. Even when I try to make the best out of something bad that happens, I get screwed in the end.
I drunkenly pulled out my phone from my back pocket causing myself to almost fall over face first into the wet sand and I dialed Matty’s number.
“Matty.” my voice cracked as I started crying harder to the sound of his not so loving voice.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” still so heartless.
“I’m at the beach.” I’m sure my words were slurring, because I tried to stand up but I fell backwards immediately.
“It’s storming outside, what the hell are you doing out there?” I could feel the disappointment through the phone.
“Matty, I’m so sorry. I’m such a fuck up, I’m so sorry.” I cried to him. My clothes were soaking wet and stuck to my body because I had been in the pouring rain for so long.
“Babe, what’s wrong? Why are you there?” his voice sounded a very tad bit nicer. “Do you need me to come get you?”
I hung up the phone not knowing what to say and I sent him my location so he knew where I was. I didn’t want to worry him, but I didn’t want to go home yet. I’m too drunk to do anything right now, including arguing with Matty or Luka.
I continued sitting with my head buried into my knees and the rain had only started getting heavier than what it already was. But, I hadn’t heard a thunder sound or seen lightening in the sky at all since the first one.
“What are you doing here?” I heard a familiar voice shout from behind me trying to talk over the rain.
I slowly moved my head to glance at who it was, but I saw no one. If I moved too fast the world would start spinning more than what it already was. I couldn’t even keep my head up long enough without feeling nauseous. I fell a few times doing it but I managed to stand myself up and that’s when I realized I looked like I had really gone swimming in the rain. I couldn’t talk, so instead I just cried and took a few hits of the blunt.
I’m probably going to regret this, it is my first time smoking marijuana and I am about to face this whole thing myself while I’m drunk off my ass, too.
It’s hitting me all at once, how much I hate my life. And the only thing that could possibly numb it is a bottle of alcohol and a blunt that I had taken from Luka. Of course I left money for him, I wouldn’t steal anything from him. That would be dishonorable.
But right now? Everything bad is leaving as I grow higher and higher with each puff that I take. And it surprised me how easy it was so keep the blunt lit the entire time I was smoking it.
“What the hell is that?” Matty took a few steps towards me while looking at the brown stick between my fingers.
“It’s uh-it’s uh nothing.” shoot, guess he’s going to realize I’m not his perfect angel anymore.
“I can smell it, Kiera. What did you do?” he got closer to me, but it looked like there were three of him coming at me angrily so I automatically fell backwards. Matty caught me before I hit the ground and he set me down softly. “You wreak of alcohol.”
“I’m sorry I’m such a f-f-fuck up, I just want to make everyone happy.” I started crying into his chest as he held me close.
He didn’t say anything, he just sat on the wet sand with me on his lap and my head pressed to his chest as the rain started drenching his entire body like mine. I couldn’t do anything but cry and take a puff of the poison.
I’ve never been high before. Drunk, yes. But high? This is a whole new experience for me. Everything seemed so much more clearer in the world, and all my worries went out the door. I’m falling apart, slowly but surely. And I couldn’t do anything about because I have to stay strong for my daughter.
“Put that out.” Matty ordered me.
Who does he think he is thinking he can order me around and tell me what I can and cannot do?
I took another puff and blew it out to the rain drop filled air. I felt his chest rise while taking a deep breath before he exhaled it out. “Put it out.”
I ignored him again and took another puff. He’s not my father, he’s is supposed to be my boyfriend. He lifted me off him and pulled me into the air with his hand holding mine tightly. He started dragging me towards the trail to leave. “What are you doing? Let go of me.” I cried as he continued dragging me away.
“We are going home, lets go.” his entire body was just as drenched as mine and his hair was flat across his forehead.
I ripped my arm away from him, “Fine! You want to stay here with no way home and smoke fucking drugs? By all means, go ahead!” he stormed away from me, I heard him scream at himself, “I can’t fucking deal with this right now, bro!:
“Why did you choose me?” I shouted over the loud rain.
“What?” he stopped walking away and turned to face me.
“Why did you choose me? I’m not perfect, and I didn’t get to learn things that I should’ve learned as a high schooler like smoking marijuana. I wasn’t taught what to do in relationships or the wrongs from the rights.”
“Are you really trying to justify why you lied?” he chuckled while yelling over the rain. “It doesn’t matter what you lied about, you still lied, Kiera!”
“No, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied. But you came home after being gone for five years, Matty.” I tried wiping my face the slightest bit dry, “And I can’t do this anymore.”
“So what are you saying? You want to break up?”
My heart hurt at him saying that statement out loud. I never wanted to break up with him and the thought never even crossed my mind. I just can’t deal with the arguing anymore. I’m supposed to be blooming in my early twenties. I’m supposed to be finding myself and my true character. Not arguing with the father of my child.
“You aren’t allowed to leave me, again. You promised.” I won’t be able to do this again if he leaves me. I won’t be able to go through that kind of heartache again. I refuse to go through that heartache again.
“Of course not, but if you aren’t happy and if you are just going to lie to me then there is no use in doing this.” he walked towards me again but his face wasn’t as tense and was a bit softer. He looked as though he was intrigued by our conversation.
“Please don’t leave me again. I’m begging you not to, please Matty.” I started crying hysterically. “We’re trying the couples therapy, I’m trying for you.”
“Did you have feelings for him?” he was only a few steps away from me and the rain continued to soak our bodies.
“I don’t know what I felt for him. I didn’t like him enough to overcome the feelings I have always had for you.” I took a deep breath in. “I-I-I can’t lose you, not again. I can’t do it.”
He slowly walked towards me and cupped my cheeks with his soaking wet palm and looked deep into my eyes, “I came back for you and Kelia. There is no way in hell I’m going to lose either of you ever again.” he pressed his lips to mine with a tight grip on my face.
I kissed him back, that’s all I could do. I couldn’t be happier or more grateful that he chose to not leave. We’ve never fought this bad before, and I never want to fight like this, ever again. I’ve lost him once, and I can’t lose him again. When I lost him, I lost myself for the longest time and I’ve only recently come to terms with what my life is like now.
I’m not losing him.
Not tonight, anyways.
“I love you.” he stopped kissing me long enough for the words to escape and his tongue explored every inch of my mouth.
“I love you, too.” I pulled away and looked him into his eyes.
“Can we head home now so we don’t catch a cold?”
“S-s-sci-scientifically speaking, you don’t catch a cold from rain or the cold weather. It’s a virus.” I slurred. He held me by my side and that was just about everything that was holding me up. I’m sure if his arm wasn’t holding onto my waist I would be on my ass by now. I feel like I have no upper or lower body strength.
“Okay, miss smarty pants. Lets get you out of here.” he kissed my wet forehead and we started walking up the trail. “Your car is at work?”
“Yeah, I can’t fucking drive right now.” I started laughing as the world spun around me. And I think I tripped over nothing right in front of Matty.
“What are you laughing at?” he started laughing with me.
“I’m just so happy.” I tripped, again.
“Alright, come here.” he stopped us from walking and picked me up to hold me in cradle position.
I rested my head on his chest and watched as he walked through the tall grass to get to the truck. I didn’t know what it felt like to be both drunk and high at the same time, I’ve never even been high before. But it’s always a first for something.
It’s not something to frown upon. I wouldn’t say this is the perfect coping mechanism but it sure helped me out in this scenario where if I weren’t cross faded I would’ve probably just walked away from Matty and continued bottling everything I felt inside.
I don’t remember getting home, or much of the car ride either. Matty must’ve driven faster than I noticed because I woke up long enough to see the front door of our home. But after he started walking towards the bedroom, nothing. Completely blank.
I woke up to the alarm clock going off on my phone that had been plugged in on my nightstand. I tried to open my eyes but the second the light hit me in the slightest bit I had to slam them shut and I noticed how bad my stomach and head were in pain.
I covered my face with the blanket and blindly grabbed for my phone to shut the awful noise off that was making my ears ring and causing a sharp pain inside of my head.
“Shoot.” I mumbled under my breath.
This is going to be some hangover.
My phone started vibrating in my hand and I clicked the green button, “Hello?”
“Kiera freaking Johnson! What have you done?” Jackie screamed into my ear.
“Please don’t shout.” I pulled the speaker away from my ear.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” she shouted, again.
“What have I done?” I moaned into the phone.
Come to think of it, I can’t recall much of what happened the night before. The only thing I remember is throwing the bottle on the floor and I remember yelling at Matty while begging him not to leave me. Everything after that is blank. Not a memory to remember, maybe that’s a good thing that I can’t remember. But it’d be nice to know how I got home safely.
“You don’t remember last night?”
“I can feel it.” I rubbed my temples as the headache increased in pain.
“There were photos of someone with long rose gold hair seen at the beach chugging a bottle of Hennessey and they could smell marijuana. Rumor has it, it’s you.” she sounds pissed.
“There’s no proof it was me.”
“Of course not, they all scrambled once it started to look like it was going to rain. But it does look like Devyn from your movie.”
“Maybe someone copied the wig?”
“C’mon, be real with me. Was it you?” she sucked her teeth and I could hear the annoyance in her voice.
“Maybe. But there’s no official proof it was me. And I can easily just lie to my fans.”
“You don’t think they’ll find out? I told you there would be consequences and this is one of them. You could be the very next star to have a crash, you’ve seen it. It gets bad.” it was like as if she was rubbing it in my face and wanted me to be next.
“Got it. I won’t do it again.”
“Babe?” I heard Matty call lightly.
“I’m sure, but just so you know I’m always here for you. I’m not only your manager, you know. Call me if you ever need to talk.” she paused for a second, “And Kiera, get ready for your social media to blow up and the judgement.”
“Thanks Jack, I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up.
“How are you feeling?” Matty asked me.
“Absolutely disgusting.” I kept my head covered from all light but I felt him sit beside me on the edge of the bed.
“Yeah, I figured. That’s why I took Kelia out for breakfast to McDonald’s and ordered you the greasiest foods I could get and got you two bottles of Gatorade with some Advil.”
“You’re a freaking lifesaver.” I uncovered my body with the blanket and my nose filled with the smell of fries and other greasy foods but mostly fries.
“And here is a mocha frappe because I know you love your frozen coffee.” he chuckled softly, he looked much happier than he had the last few nights.
“You really are the best.” I kissed him lightly, too much moving will not end well. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, baby.” he kissed me one more time before pulling away with a smile on his face.
“Have you seen your Twitter?”
“I think you should take a look.”
“It’s that bad?” I took a sip of my mocha frappe.
“Well, of course you have your true fans, me being number one,” he winked at me with a grin on his face, “But the reports are insane.”
“Let me see.” I shoved fries in my mouth and handed him my phone to pull it up for me.
“You sure you want to do it now?” he quickly opened the pill bottle for me and handed me two of the orangish-red circular pills and grabbed my phone from me.
“Lay it on me.” I fell back into the pillow and continued to shove the greasy fries into my mouth.
“Alright.” he started tapping on my screen and handed it to me.
“Oh god, I can’t read right now. Read it to me please, babe?” I playfully whined, but I was telling the truth. I already feel nauseated enough, reading will only increase it.
“Okay.” he took a deep breath.
“Kiera Johnson seen out with a bottle to the face.”
“Kiera Johnson trying to hide her identity with movie wig!”
“Our perfect angel might be becoming the perfect devil?”
“Possible viewing of Kiera Johnson smoking weed with a bottle of liquor!”
He took another deep breath in frustration before saying the next one, “Has Kiera fallen in love with Luka Sabbat and caught onto his ways?”
“Okay, stop!” Jackie wasn’t wrong, in fact she was more than right. What have I done? I swore to myself since I was little that I would never do an illegal drug in my entire life, whether I believed in God anymore or not.
“There’s good ones, too.” he said while I searched through the brown paper bag to see what all he had got me.
“What have I done to my perfect reputation?” I shoved a McGriddle in my mouth and I kept repeating the subtitles he had read off to me from Google in my head.
“Don’t you guys know that she loves Matty? For crying out loud she has a whole child with him and she clearly loves him more than anything.” he said happily.
I was happy that at least my real fans believed that I loved Matty as much as I actually do. I really do love him, and I would do anything to keep my family together.
“You need to give up on this angel devil shit, it’s twenty twenty five who doesn’t smoke weed anymore? It’s legal in the entire US.” he chuckled.
“That doesn’t even look like her or Devyn from College-ish! All these paparazzi’s will start any rumors to get a little money and they will destroy anyone’s life in the process. Pathetic.”
“Remember Chris Krocker, when he made the Leave Britney Alone video? Leave Kiera Alone!”
I couldn’t help but laugh with him, “Ow! Don’t make me laugh.” I playfully hit his arm and started eating my fries again.
“It’s okay, I posted something last night on Instagram and made it look pretty convincing that we were with each other all night long and I took the liberty to tag you in it so your fans could see it.” he rubbed my leg that was under the blanket.
“Are people buying it?”
“Well it has twelve thousand comments and fifteen thousand likes, so it’s getting there.”
“Thank you, babe.” I laid my greasy hand on his. “Where’s Kelia?”
“She wanted to go to Allen’s, they needed her help with something so I dropped her off after we got breakfast. Allen said they need her for the weekend and she was more than excited to get away from us and go with them.”
“So, we have the house to ourselves all weekend?”
“Kind of, yeah.” he smirked at me while I continued to shove food in my mouth.
“That could be fun once this hangover goes away. I have the weekend off, too.” I raised an eyebrow at him. I was excited, yes. I’m getting the whole weekend alone with Matty, and I can’t wait to have all the sex we want as soon as I’m capable of doing it.
But at the same time? I still felt every emotion I felt yesterday. I may have slayed my dragon’s with Matty but I still also have to worry about work, and this stupid fight with someone I consider to be my really close friend, Luka.
“You want to get in the bath with me?” he started rubbing the shape of my hip through the blanket again.
“Yeah, but I’m actually going to go check on Duma quickly. I’ll meet you in there.” I kind of lied to him, I was going to check on Duma. I hadn’t seen her this morning since I woke up and she’s usually at the end of the bed until I wake up. But I also wanted one other thing while out there, a nice glass of my Purple Haze bottle of wine.
The best way to cure a hangover is with more alcohol. So maybe I’ll just stay a little drunk forever.
“You got it, you want lavender bath salts or cucumber melon?”
“Surprise me.” I slowly uncovered myself from the comforter and I slid my slippers on before walking out of the room at a point one mile speed.
“I’ll see you in here.” he disappeared into the bathroom and I heard the faucet of the bathtub turn on.
I guess you could say I’m taking off the edge, the constant worry of my image and what image I bring for my family and the constant attempts to please everyone all at once.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the tall dark bottle and I popped the cork off before taking a swig from the bottle.
“Thank you God, for wine.” I glanced down at the bottle before I took another sip. The warm liquid had spread from my mouth down to my intestines and the sweet taste made my taste buds start dancing. I saw Duma laying down on her side while watching me drink and at least I didn’t lie to Matty this time. I’m actually checking up on Duma.
“Momma’s having the worse time of her life right now. Yes she is.” I talked in my mom voice. “But Mom needs to take care of you, Kelia, and Dad.” her ears pointed up straight and she looked at me in confusion.
“Babe, you coming?” I heard Matty shout from the bedroom.
I took another sip of the dark purple liquid, “Yeah. I’m coming!” I grabbed the bottle of the Purple Haze and the second bottle from the cupboard before walking into the bedroom.
I walked into my bathroom with both bottles of wine in my hand and set the unopened one on the table next to the jacuzzi bathtub and kept the opened one in my hand. “Don’t you think it’s a little early to start drinking?”
“We’re alone for the weekend, I want to drink a bunch of wine and fuck all over the apartment. Is there a problem with that?” I wrapped my arms around Matty’s bare neck with the bottle tightly wrapped in my hand at the skinny part of the bottle, I couldn’t help but glance down and notice his penis go from soft to hard in the matter of seconds.
We probably shouldn’t be doing what we are about to do. In fact, I knew we shouldn’t be. But he looked so tasty when he was naked. I can’t help myself.
“No problem at all.” he kissed me before taking off my clothes for me and lifting me onto the marble counter bare naked and kissing between my lips, my jawline, and my chest.
He started massaging one of my boobs with one hand while holding my lower back with the other hand. He began to leave love marks all over my chest, and his dick was rubbing my hotspot as he came closer to my body.
He picked me up from the counter and I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist before connecting my lips with his and our tongues started to explore the very well known crevices of each others mouths.
He lifted me slightly into the air with my legs still tightly around him and he inserted his hard boner inside of me slowly and sensually. I couldn’t help but let out a small moan from the sparks flowing through my body.
“Fuck, you’re so sexy when you moan.” he whispered into my neck while watching himself slide in and out of me.
I grabbed the opened bottle of wine from behind Matty and I took a large sip of it before connecting my lips to Matty’s and I gave him some of the sweet liquid while making out with him. I separated from his lips and smirked at him before leaning my head back and bringing the bottle to my mouth and I started chugging it.
I stopped drinking and moaned softly into his ear before lightly nibbling on his earlobe while he picked up speed and muscle in each thrust. I loved that he knew exactly what I liked, and when I liked it. I love how he knew every aspect of my body, even things I hadn’t recognized. I love how he knows how to pleasure me just the way I like it. And I love how he gets just as much pleasure from me as I get from him.
If it came down to it and I had to choose one guy to satisfy me for the rest of my life, I’d choose Matty in a heartbeat.