Fourteen | Terrin
Everything changed after that dinner. My dates with Syn were virtually non existent now. After I apologized to Heidi for not defending her and our fight, she apologized too. Even though we had both been forgiven I still distanced myself from her. Most days I spent alone or working, involving myself a lot more with the spy networks.
I needed the time for myself, needed the space and solitude to figure things out. Because I was just a big ball of confusion. I was lost, drowning in dark water without knowing which way was up. Heidi's words had haunted me.
How much more time do you need?
I didn't have an answer. It had been nearly three months since this whole dating thing began but I was worse off than when I started. This was supposed to give me the closure I needed but instead I was spiraling into a deep dark pit full of I-Don't-Know-What-The-Hell-Is-Going-On.
How long does it take to make this decision?
Was my indecision a bad thing? I didn't want to rush this. Originally I didn't expect it to take this long but Syn was confusing the hell out of me. I had seen sides to both Heidi and Syn I hadn't known about. Heidi and I had disagreements and little fights but she still stuck around, she didn't turn her back on me. We apologized and we moved on. I had wanted to know if she would and know I had my answer. I didn't need Syn anymore did I? Not when Heidi proved her loyalty.
You need to get your head on straight
No. My need for Syn was deeper than the knowledge he would stay if I picked him, that he would never stop trying, that he would love me. But did I know that? How could I be so sure? Because of some so proclaimed goddess given 'bond' wouldn't let him? That hadn't been the case for Cleo and Hakota. They'd turned their backs, betrayed each other, hurt each other. They were still healing but the scars would always remain.
Or man up.
Because I was scared, I was terrified that if I picked Syn he would stop chasing. Once he got what he wanted then he would be done and the game would be over for him. I was scared that Heidi would do the same. Once I accepted her, would she still be sweet, would she be able to eventually get along with the lycans of my pack? Would they accept my choice or would picking her get me thrown out of my family? I was terrified.
I don't know if you're confused
Definitely I was confused. I had never been more confused in my life. I was so torn, wondering how the hell I had grown to care for Syn on a deeper level that surpassed friendship.
Or just too cowardly to pick one of us.
I didn't want to lose them. I was selfish because I wanted to keep them both, I wanted things to stay just like this forever. I didn't want to make a choice. More so, I was afraid to make the wrong choice.
You need to just make a decision.
Because I would have to make a decision soon or risk losing both of them.
I felt ignored, he'd even skipped a pack dinner. He hadn't kissed me since that night. That stupid dinner that seemed to ruin everything. I'd asked him to kiss me for the first time and now he had stopped altogether.
He was pulling away and I couldn't seem to grab on to him. It was like I was dangling off the edge of a cliff, Heidi grabbing one hand to keep me grounded and on the cliff while my other hand reached for Syn who was falling into the darkness.
Would I hold on tighter to Heidi's hand? Or would I let go to grab Syn's?
I had searched for that answer today.
I had asked Heidi to plan a date, to surprise me. My hope had been that she’d pick something I would like to do, that she would focus the night around me and not herself or even us. Syn always had me in mind for our dates and he knew me well enough to keep coming up with new things to experiment and hope that I would enjoy it.
But she had failed.
She had taken me to the opera house. I had kept my hopes high at first, wondering if it would be an orchestra or a classical pianist, even a ballet would have been fine even if I would’ve just close my eyes to listen to the music. I didn't find entertainment in watching people in sparkly consumes dressed as animals and objects jump around on stage. I didn't like the drama or the tragedy romances the storyline always seemed to portray. Good music, music I enjoyed, was all I wanted.
But no. Instead she took me to some comedy act that cracked jokes at the lycans, at the hunters, the Forest Kingdom, and Lunar Kingdom, made a mockery of the Lunar Wars, made the trials and tribulations I had gone through seem like one never ending joke. They made fun of other things too like our social structure between alphas, dominates, and submissive. They made jokes about mates and being a parent. I might have found it hysterical once, back before I had fled with Cleo after Coda had picked up her shattered heart and sewed up her torn throat before tossing her at me and telling me to keep her safe from Hakota. It wasn't funny to me anymore, I had never said anything that could lead Heidi to believe I would ever enjoy something like this.
But as I looked at her throughout the show, watched as she continued laughing, never once looking my way, I knew she had done this because she wanted to and simply dragged me along.
She didn't have a clue that I never even laughed, didn't care.
So when the show ended and I just wanted to go home, I tried to recreate the goodbye kiss Syn had stopped giving me and got nowhere. Our lips simply mushed together without any fanfare or wildness. It was awkward more than anything, like we had forgot to open our mouths and meet properly.
And when I pulled away looking into her startled eyes they glowed dangerously in anger. "What the hell was that?" She demanded knowing perfectly well what I had just pulled. "Did you honestly just try to replicate Syn's stupid little goodbye thing? Are you comparing us now?" She yelled at me and I was glad we were outside the opera house in the middle of the crowded street. "I'm not Syn and he's not me Terrin, that's the whole point of this. To see which one you want, which one is better because we are not the same." She shoved me, and I took one step back just to keep her from doing it again, "never, ever do something like that again, do you hear me?"
"I think the whole Old Kingdom heard you," I muttered, disappointed in this night. I had such high hopes, desperately wanted her to prove me wrong instead of right,
"What is your problem?" She demanded, "You're the one who wanted to go on a date, if you were going to be in such a bad mood you should have just cancelled."
"You were supposed to pick something I would actually enjoy!" I hissed upset with everything. "You were supposed to plan this date for me."
Heidi went silent for a minute before bitting her lip while mulling over her next words, "That's now how it is between us Terrin. You plan dates for me. Syn plans dates for you. I'm the female in this relationship."
"What? So I'm the female in the relationship between Syn and I?" I snarled.
She quirked a challenging brow, "Aren't you?"
"That's just stupid!" I growled. "Just because you're the female you don't have to plan a date for me?"
"Have you ever planned a date for Syn?" Heidi snapped. My mouth hung open, lost for a reply. "Didn't think so," Heidi gloated. "Figure out what you want Terrin. Do you want to be coddled and spoiled and treated like a woman, like a little housewife? Or do you want to be the male by protecting me and providing for me? Figure it out fast, but just know that as far as we are concerned, there's only enough room for one female."
My hands clenched into tight fists. I was so tired of her calling me a woman. "While there may only be room for one female in this relationship," I sneered gesturing between us, "there's enough room for two males in the one I have with Syn."
"Keep telling yourself that Terrin but you're a fool to believe it. If you think this is anything but a game of pride for the lycan you're sorely mistaken. Don't come crying to me when you find out the truth."
And then she left me. Turning on her heel and disappearing into the fray of the busy street.
I had found my answer.
So I made my decision where I was torn between two possible mates, held on the edge to decided my own fate. And decide I did. I let go of Heidi's hand and tumbled off that cliff to grab my mate's.