Waiting in Darkness

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Seven | Terrin

Life is full of lessons. I knew so from experience, I've learned from my own mistakes and from other's. I liked to believe I wasn't stupid, ignorant maybe, perhaps even blind, but not stupid. Now I was beginning to doubt myself, maybe it really was stupidity that kept me from learning one particular lesson. It was one that was commonly said, so cliché and overused that I never took it seriously, or perhaps never believed it.

In either case stupidity was the only answer I had as reasoning for why I continually found myself in this situation. I had no excuse at this point for not knowing any better. Because I did know better, or at least I should.

You don't know what you have until you lose it.

It was easy enough to remember, simple enough to understand.

So why did I always forget?

Why could I never seem to remember such a simple lesson?

Like any small child I had loved my parents, but never truly came to understand how to appreciate them. As a kid I never thought about what would happen if one day I didn’t have my parents anymore. I didn't think about being alone or having to leave my house. All I thought about then was how to get my parents to buy me the toy I wanted or what time it was so I could go watch the other werewolves spar.

But then it happened. One day my parents didn't come back. I had never realized until then what loneliness felt like. I learned what abandonment felt like. Soon following exclusion and awkwardness. I never knew how amazing being normal was until it was taken from me. No one knew what to say to me so they just didn't talk. No one was close enough to me to know if I was coping or was falling to pieces. They didn't know whether I needed more time so to be safe they kept putting me off. Again and again until they forgot about me.

And then I met Cleo. I was smarter this time. I appreciated it, I worked hard to keep my friendship, to show Cleo that I knew it was something worth the hard work. I stayed by her side through it all but then I felt more like a parent than a friend and I started to forget. I stopped being meticulous. I slacked off, thinking more and more about myself and less about her. It seemed only fair at the time to put myself first when she had been doing the same. But even then I still had her. She was all mine because she had no one else. I didn't appreciate her anymore because while I was her whole world she wasn't mine anymore. But then she was snatched right out from under my nose, my arrogance blinding me to the reality of just how delicate our bond had been. Now Hakota had her again and I was put on the back burner. I was just another box on a check list of the million and one things Cleo had to do.

I missed our closeness, I missed my best friend, my older sister, my family. I missed it because it was gone. They were all gone. They left me like everyone else.

But somewhere in between losing Cleo and now, I had an annoying mate who I wanted to leave me alone. Syn who followed me and chased off my hookups. Who tied me to kitchen chairs to force me to eat vegetables. Who somehow probably knew the answer to every damn question I could possibly ask him about myself.

I had always believed his attention to be a troublesome thing more than endearing. I had waited for years to hear him utter the words of defeat, but now that I had, I wanted him to take them back. I had Syn for so long that I hadn't realized until now how much I appreciated his attention, how much I needed him. I had hardly felt the dull throb of loneliness since I met him because part of me knew he would always be there the moment I reached out to him.

But now, now I had succeeded in chasing him away. A victory I had craved for years, not knowing any better.

And now, now that I just lost my reassurance that I could never be totally alone, I hated this win.

I wanted to lose. I wanted to keep losing this fight forever because that would mean Syn would stick by my side, or in the shadows, waiting in darkness for me to accept him and give him a chance. Out of the light or in it, Syn would always be there.

Not anymore though.

He was done.

And it scared me. The crushing blanket of emptiness smothered me. Part of me screamed to run to Heidi. And while she was here for me now, who could say for how long? Would she abandon me like the rest? Would she leave if I ever gave her trouble? There was no way for me to know. Nothing I could go off of because Heidi was brand new to me. But the other part demanded I go after Syn.

Syn who had put up with years of my shit. Who had stood fast through hundreds or rejections and thousands of hurtful words. Who had kept coming after me despite all of the females I threw in his face, despite my actions that would leave him depressed for days.

Heidi could tuck tail and run at the first sign of trouble, or she may stay. I had no way of knowing with her as all I had ever experience was blissful fancy. It was the opposite for Syn and I. We only had moments of hurt. We argued and fought every time we spoke. We cried more times than I can count and yet Syn had remained loyal for years. He had shown me he was here for the long haul.

But now I had ruined it. Which led me to thinking if it had always been my fault. Had it always been my fault my parents abandoned me? Was I always pushing them away? Did I ruin everything all by myself?

It was certainly the case for Syn. It was solely my fault he was leaving me. He wasn't abandoning me. I had abandoned him. I was the one who walked away, who left him. I pushed him away.

I drove the final nail into the coffin by falling in love with someone else.

Falling in love.

Was I in love with Heidi?

I was definitely enthralled by her, I liked her certainly, fancied her even, but love? It was too soon for that. Maybe I was infatuated with her, amazed to finally meet a mate other than Syn. A future that didn't involve Syn. The idea had become a myth, something that with each passing day seem like more and more of a fantasy than a reality. Some part of me had accepted that Syn would always be part of my life. That we would be in this limbo forever.

Then it all changed and I was just so excited that I had this chance. I was giddy and joyful, maybe Syn had mistaken that for lovestruck.

Not maybe, he had.

He believed I was in love when I in fact wasn't.

He was wrong. I wasn't in love. Not yet at least.

"You're wrong," I whisper into the empty hallway. "You're wrong." I repeated more firmly, loudly. I started walking down the hall after the male. "You're wrong." I growled before taking off at a run, sprinting down the halls, following his scent. When I saw his back I shouted, "You're wrong!" He froze mid stride. I slowed down to a walk myself, although a brisk one, and caught up to him. "You are wrong," I repeated, "I am not in love with Heidi."

He sucked in a breath and I waited.

I waited for him to say something.

He waited for me to say something.

We waited and waited not moving from our positions. I stared at his back, my hands clenched at my sides while his head was bowed his own fingers furling and unfurling.

"And...?" He finally prompted his voice a low rumble.

I blinked, "And what?" I demanded. I hadn't really thought of anything beyond telling him he was wrong. A natural instinct when it came to us.

He whirled around his eyes glowing, those grey eyes that looked more suitable for a phantom than a person. "And does it change anything?" He snapped, his voice a guttural growl. "No, it fucking doesn't. It doesn't change a goddamn thing because nothing will ever change between us." He stabbed a finger into my chest, "I will continue to chase you forever while you continue to treat me like dirt. You think that just because you're not in love that's good enough for me to keep begging for a chance? For you to spare me a glance?" He shook his head and pressed harder. "I'm done Terrin, I am fucking done with this and with you." I flinched at his harsh tone. We exchanged nasty words and yelled more often than not but Syn had never spoken to me with such...disgust. "So go chase after your happy ever after," he spat and began to retract his finger, "but I refuse to be the villain in you fairytale."

I grabbed his hand before he fully pulled away and yanked him to me. He stumbled in surprise and I used the opportunity to grab his collar and pull him down to eye level. "You don't get it do you?" I snarled. "You're not the villain in this story, Syn, I am." And perhaps it was the adrenaline or another moment of stupidity that had me pushing his head down so I could crush my mouth to his in a savage kiss.

It was so full of frustration, anger and hurt that I wasn't even sure if I could call it a kiss. Syn responded in an instant pushing me back into the wall, taking full charge of my mouth. I let him, annoyed he was being so dominant but knowing I deserved this.

He bit at my lips, and nipped at my tongue not caring if he drew blood, too angry to be gentle.

When I finally pulled away we were both panting, or chest heaving. "What does this mean?" The lycan asked me.

And before I could think twice the words were already out of my mouth, as I pull him down for another kiss. “It means I’m giving you a chance.”

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