Chapter 24-I Want Us.
Song: I Want Us-The Roads Below
“Fuck, Emily, I’m so sorry.” I watch from the ground as Damien paces and runs his hands through his hair. His lips are pulled into a thin grimace and his body is riddled with guilt. A look of terror overtook his face as recognition of what he just did slammed into him. His pupils flared with self-doubt and shock. Seeing him like this registers and I feel like the worst person for causing him to feel this way. I should have known not to approach him from behind and to touch him when he’s in panic mode.
“It’s okay Damien.” I stand up and brush off my jeans, then turn around in a circle showing him I’m not hurt physically. Only my pride. I make my way to him but get held back by my Dad. He’s blocking my path to Damien and his cobalt gems are blazing with anger. He has to know that Damien would never hurt me on purpose, but Damien also has to know I won’t stand by and let him push me or anyone else, especially, our son.
Placing my hand on my Dad’s shoulder and giving him a gentle squeeze, is enough to tell him to back off and I’ve got it. My parents have been a tad overbearing when it comes to the men in my life, since Zeek. They also don’t always trust my judgment either. I can’t say I don’t blame them, I’ve made some pretty stupid decisions but I’m an adult and a mother, so I need to man up and handle my own problems. Starting with Damien.
“Daddy, I’ve got this.” I try to reassure him. “I made the mistake of coming up behind him and everyone knows you don’t do that to a solider. He reacted on instinct and I know he would never hurt me on purpose.” My Dad didn’t seem to be buying me reasoning but I’m pretty sure it has more to do with not being able to protect me or prevent Damien from hurting. Dad is a fixer and wants to help those who are struggling.
“I won’t try to analyze what happened to you Damien but getting violent with my Daughter will never be okay. It worries me and I wonder if you are capable of hurting her how can I trust you with my Grandson?”
“I’m sorry sir, and I...I don’t know.” Damien answers with pure honesty and my heart hurts. “I don’t think I can trust myself with him either but I would like to be given that chance. I’ve missed out on three months and I don’t want to miss anymore.”
“I understand that Son, but that you will have to discuss that with Emily.” Daddy goes over to Damien and asks if he can hug him. Damien nods and then I stand there in awe as I watch my Daddy embrace my love as he would any of his son’s, tears fill my eyes when I hear my Dad tell him,
“We love you Damien and you are our family. When you hurt, we all hurt and we want to be there for you in whatever way we can. You just need to give a little as well.” I know it hurts Damien to not hear these words from his own father or even his mother.
Damien wraps his arm around Daddy’s waist and tightens his grip. It’s not enough to hurt, it’s more like he’s using Daddy as a lifeline. Day buries his head into Daddy’s shoulder and even though he tries to hide the fact that he’s crying, I know by the shaking of his shoulders and the shuffle of his shoulders.
I want to go to him but he needs this moment, this is a Father welcoming his son home and getting him grounded. If I were to interrupt them I would more than likely destroy the progress Daddy is making with him. Damien pulls away after a few more minutes and our gazes meet, his eyes are swollen but the small smile on his lips makes my heart leap for joy. I allow myself to hope that this is the start of him working through the darkness.
I heard through my contacts Emily had returned to Texas, but she was with that loser ex and her brother. I laughed when I was told her brother was in a wheelchair because Karma is a wonderful bitch. He helped with getting her away from me, she was all set to marry me and let me raise her child until she talked to him.
I had plans for her brother but now I don’t have to follow through with those anymore, he’s not going to be my biggest problem anymore. Her ex will be my biggest obstacle but all I have to do is throw in someone one from his past and she’ll be packing up and heading my way.
Emily is mine and I will make sure she stays that way. A wicked smile curves my mouth as I work through my plan. It’s only a matter of time before Emily is back in my arms and begging me to take her back. Oh, but it’s not going to be the way she remembers, she won’t be seeing the nice guy she fell for, or the man who would treat her like a princess when they fucked. No, she will be seeing a whole different side and that day in her apartment will be a walk in the park.
Closing my eyes I envision that whore stripped bare, her naked body and soul for only me to see. Her face is contorted in pain and fear as I slide into her and take what she owes me and what’s mine. A thrilling shiver runs down my spine when she screams and punches at me, her begging for me to stop only spurs me forward and I continue to thrust into her. Her wetness allows for easier access to her. Fingernails dig into my back and draw blood. Oh, how I love the fight in her, yet, I want her to be submissive as I spill my seed into her.
A knock on my bedroom door pulls me away from my dirty fantasy. “Yo, Zeek, put your dick away and get out here,” Bryan shouts through the door. I clean myself up and open my door, Bryan is standing in the doorway with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Dude, give it a rest, I know where she is and I even got her new number.” I knew getting my Cousin on board was going to pay off. “I also know where she’s at.”
Emily thought she could hide from me, but I knew where she was. She had changed her hair and even her name but I’m not as stupid as she seems to think I am. She humiliated me and my family that day and she will not get away with it. She will suffer the same pain I felt. I pull out my phone and dial in her number. When it goes straight to voice mail I leave her a message....
“Damien, I’m really okay. I shouldn’t have touched you without your permission.” We are in my Dad’s car heading to Tuck’s house, I’m eager to get to my Son and hold him. Three weeks is too long to be away from him and I never want to do it again. Day’s head is resting on the cold window, the steam from his breath coating the glass. I reach over and place my hand on top of his, just to let him know I’m here. I wait with bated breath for his reaction to my touch when his pinky interlocks with mine.
“You don’t have to make excuses Emily. My Mom did that with my Dad and I refuse to let you be her.” He responds.
“I’m not making excuses Day, and I’m not your mother. I was in the wrong because I knew better but I ignored those warnings going off in my head, I thought you needed me. However, if you do something like that again you won’t be getting off so easy.” He lifts his head up off the window and lightly chuckles. I can’t help but smile with him.
“I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.” He states. “Motherhood looks good on you and has helped you grow. You aren’t the same girl I left.”
“I love being a mom but it’s scary as shit. I’m always worried about screwing him up and you’re right, I’m not the same girl. I’ve had to grow up really fast Damien and realized I can’t be that girl anymore. I hated her but I’m slowly learning to love the woman I’m becoming.” Damien removes his hand from mine and lifts it up, he wraps a strand of my hair around his finger and closes his eyes for a moment.
“Emily, you have always been a beautiful girl but now I see a stunning young woman. I’m so scared I’m going to destroy you and all the progress you’ve made to better yourself. I want this, I want us to be a family and I promise I will never allow myself to do what I just did again. What I can’t promise is that I won’t fuck up sometimes because I am a fucking jumbled mess. Can you just be patient with me?” Tears sting my eyes as I listen to his confession.
“I always have been, but I need to set some boundaries before we can move forward.” I wait for him to respond.
“The first thing is while you are on leave I would ask that you talk to someone and take it seriously. If that’s too much for you then we can come up with something else to....”
“I’ll do it.” He cuts me off and it’s not what I was expecting. Dan told me he only went to therapy on base just to keep his CO off his back. So to hear him say he’ll go to therapy makes me a jump for joy but at the same time skeptical. “I’ll go to therapy Em, in fact, the hospital gave me a list of local therapists. The Doctor also suggested looking into medication, I’m not keen on the idea of taking drugs but if it helps then I will do it.” I want to believe him and part of me does but I’ve read articles on this type of behavior. Is he really telling me the truth or is he just placating me?
“Anything else Em?” He asks and I know this next one is going to make him feel like I think the worst of him.
“I don’t want you to think this has anything to do with you as a person because I know you’re an amazing man and would never want to cause harm to anyone. However, seeing what I did today and knowing the tiniest thing can trigger a panic attack I suggest that you live at my parent’s house. They have the guest room all set up for you and are the ones who offered.”
“Okay, that’s not a big deal. I practically lived there as a kid anyway. Do you and Michael live there?” I shake my head no.
“We were living in Utah when Mom called. I left everything there so I don’t really have a home at the moment. My parents offered but with you and Dan staying there it’s going to be a bit much.”
“Are you going back to Utah then?” The sadness and worry in his voice is heartbreaking.
“Not anytime soon, but I would like to go back. I have a life and friends there Damien. I’m able to let go of my past and look forward to the future because I don’t have the memories dragging me down when I'm there,. I don’t know where our future is going to take us but I’ll be here as long as you need me.”
“What if I’m holding you back?” He questions.
“You’re not holding me back, I’m here because I want to be and I will let you know if and when I decide to leave. I’m not going to make any decisions about that at the moment.
“If you’re happy there Em, then you should go back.” I’m not sure how to respond to that because part of me wants to take Michael and return to the life I’ve built there, yet that’s not fair to him or Damien. Damien needs this time with his son and who am I to take that away from him?
“I’m happy here too. Day, I have my family here and you’re here.”
“Emily?” I hold my hand up.
“Damien, I’m not going to leave you, so stop trying to get rid of me. It’s my turn now so just drop it please.” I turn down the street and see Tucker’s beautiful colonial home, with the wrap around porch. I’ve always loved his house, it’s also my dream home.
His four year Daughter’s pink bike with the fringes sits up against the porch with Tuck’s and Jenna’s next to it. When I pull into the driveway I park behind my brother’s black Dodge challenger, (his unmarked police car) and see all four of them swinging on the porch swing. Damien’s hand tightens around mine. I turn to him and say,
“Are you ready to meet your son?”