I held yet another letter which I had written today. My hands trembling in fear. Should I post it tomorrow on the same address with no hope for any answers from my mom? Why is my life so different? Why can’t I have a simple and normal life with my parents? Why did my mom left me? When will she come back? I squeezed my swollen eyes tightly to hold in the tears which were fighting their way to flow down my wet cheeks. No more crying. I have to be strong.
I jumped out of fright when I heard the doorbell ring. Could it be my father? I sat up in bed hyperventilating and looking everywhere. I felt everything moving around in my room. I glanced at my little red clock and focused on it to see clearly. It was past midnight.
I slowly got up and made my way towards the living room to open the door. I was trembling with fear. I was breathing heavily. I had to open the door. Even if it was my cruel father, I had to open the door to let him in, otherwise he wouldn’t let me alone without giving me any more pains.
What if it isn’t my father? What if it is some stalker or a creep? I went completely still. What if it is a sadist? What if it is a killer? My dad wouldn’t have rang up the doorbell. He has the house keys.
Suddenly, the doorbell stopped ringing. I huffed a sigh of relief. There was complete silence. I went to check if the door was well closed. I gulped down and perched down to check through the key hole.
I yelped and fell down on the ground when someone began tapping the door furiously and repeatedly. I wiped at the tears flowing down my cheeks. I did not realise when I began sobbing uncontrollably.
“Lea Annabelle McCartney, open the goddamn door right away or I swear you are gonna get your ass beaten from me.'' I gasped when I heard my dad yelled furiously and punched the wooden door with such a force that it caused a dunt on the door from outside.
I gasped loudly and scrambled to my feet. I grabbed the keys with my trembling hands and tried to open the door. Soon I found the right key and swung the door open, ready to explain to my father that I thought that it was someone else at the door but I did not get time to react to block the punch thrown at my face. I screamed and fell on my back.
“Please dad, I’m so - ", I whimpered when he grabbed a fistful of my hair and began dragging me in towards the living room. I kept thrashing around, in hope that I may escape from him.
“Please dad - '', I screamed in pain when he threw me on the sofa violently that I bounced up and fell down on my face, knocking my head with one of the legs of the little squared table in the middle of the arranged sofas.
I felt my head spinning and felt like vomiting after being handled like that. I felt something hot streaming down across my face. I touched my forehead and drew back to see blood has covered my fingers. My father grabbed my chin tightly and shook my face. He then slapped me hard on my left cheek. He was so heartless.
“Don’t fucking call me that. You are not my daughter and I am not your fucking dad, you fucking whore'', my father screamed and slapped me again. I kept telling him to stop but he turned out to be a savage animal set out to kill.
My hysterical screams soon turned out into wailing sobs. My father continued his assault on me and then I felt too weak to fight back. I just laid there letting my father take out his anger on me.
“Go to hell!'', my father punched and kick me in my stomach for the last time and left me alone to suffer. I heard his steps padded away and then heard the bang of his bedroom door.
I struggled to get up and even cry as my breath gurgled wetly in my throat. My eyes were widely opened and felt blank. Tears kept flowing down my cheeks and I was breathing in shallow, panting gasps. I got up slowly but felt down again. I suck on my own breath as a spasm of pain shot through me. I closed my eyes to ride out the wave of agony. My forehead pressed to the cold floor.
I tried getting up again. I grabbed the legs of the table and hoisted myself up. With a terrible cry, I managed to get up. I ached with stiffening bruises on my entire body.
I stumbled all my way to my room. When I finally reached there, after hundreds times of moaning and groaning in pain, I closed my door lightly, afraid to disturb my father, and locked it. My head was spinning and I found it hard to walk the remaining steps to my bed. Without wiping off the blood clotted on my forehead, I got in bed and soon I felt myself slipping in a dreamless sleep.
I woke up with sunlight streaming through my curtains the next morning. I groaned with pain and tried to get up but I kept on whimpering in pain. I felt the dried blood on my forehead and grimaced in pain.
Where are you mom? Why haven’t you come back yet? You told me you will be back. I miss you a lot mom. I grabbed the chain around my neck and kept it near my heart. I was crying again. This is what I have been doing since my mom left me with my cruel father. I became vulnerable and felt weak. I couldn’t do anything to escape my father’s wrath.
This chain was the last symbol of my mom. She gave it to me when she went away that night. I still remember that night clearly as if it was yesterday.
I heard my mom whispering for me to wake up. She shook me slightly and when I sat up, she motioned for me to keep quiet with her index finger pressed on her lips. I looked at her and wondered why she was waking me up in the middle of the night. She looked frightened. She outstretched my left palm and slipped her chain in my palm and closed it with her fingers wrapped around my small hand. I was only seven back then. I couldn’t understand the matter with my mom.
She just kept repeating that she will be back soon and handed me a small piece of paper with a certain address scribbled on it.
She kissed me on my forehead and started walking backwards while watching me sadly. Even if i was only seven year old, I could tell that my mom was going to cry. She kept looking at me with a longing desire and loving manner. Her eyes were already filled up with tears.
"Mom'', I called her but she did not answer. She adjusted her bag on her right shoulder, turned around and walked out.
I watched with tears as her walking silhouette faded away leaving me alone forever.
End of flashback
That was the last time I saw my mom. I was seven back then and ten years passed by without any sign of my mom returning back home. She was gone. And my dad held me responsible for my mom leaving him. He no longer sees me as his little princess. I'm a nobody to him.
I brought the chain to my lips and kissed it lightly and smuggled closer to my pillow which was wrapped in my mom’s silky dress. I felt a sickening pain at the bottom of my heart. Other than the chain, this dress belonged to my mom. It was the last cloth that I found in her wardrobe after she left me. I squeezed the pillow tightly and kept breathing in and out to calm myself.
I looked at the clock and saw that it was seven o’clock. One hour left to get ready for school. I slowly made my way to the bathroom which was luckily connected with my bedroom. I don’t think that I am ready to face my dad. I was still sore from the beatings last night. My already healed wounds were bleeding again because of last night. I can’t bear it anymore.
I looked at myself in the mirror and gasped in shock. My face and arms had several cuts and wounds. I closed my eyes and inhaled a long breathe. I can’t cry again. Crying won’t solve my problems. I pushed back the tears threatening to come out and gulped down.
Without wasting another minute, I took a shower, whimpering whenever water came into contact with the old and freshly wounds. I scrubbed a little soap on myself, avoiding the wounds and washed my hair. When I was done, I got ready for school.
I watched through tearful eyes as everyone laughed at me. I was made a laughing stock since eight grade when I entered school for my new year in an oversized T-shirt and faded black pants. That was the first time I was abused by my father.
And I couldn’t seem to be able to keep up with my good grades since then. I passed with enough marks and moved to my next year but I would always get a beating from my dad at home for not passing with flying colours.
The popular group bullied me for nothing. I did nothing to them but still I was picked on since then. The reason for it was that I had no dressing sense. This was the reason Alicia told me. She's the most gorgeous girl at school but others say that she is a whore.
The next thing I know is that I fell down, breaking me from my trance. My books were scattered around me. I got on my knees to gather my things but someone pushed me again making me fall back on my butt. I screamed as I felt my bruised wounds making contact with the hard floor. I looked up and saw Alicia. She was towering over me. She began walking around me and looking at me with disgust.
“Look who fell down. The nerd who thinks that she is superior to everyone. A low cast slut. I heard that she sleeps around begging for money from old men to please herself. Tsk tsk tsk. You know that’s really cheap from you.'', Alicia spoke aloud for everyone to hear her. Some of her friends were snickering while some were laughing at me. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I left all my things there and ran away.
But the next thing I know is that Alicia and her fellow friends were running behind me. Someone grabbed me and pushed me in the wall. I screamed and cried for help but no one heard me. No one came to help me. They grabbed me and brought me to an empty hallway behind the school compound where no one visited.
“Where the hell do you think you are going? Huh? You were going to complain about us in the office? Don’t you dare think that you can get rid of us that easily, you bitch'', Alicia said and slapped me hard.
“No no no, please leave me alone, please”, I begged them to stop bullying me but it was in vain.
“Alex will love to teach you a lesson, right Alex?'', Alicia asked a boy beside her who was smirking evilly at me. I felt an eerie kind of feeling by the way he was looking at me. He came in front of me, grabbed my arms and lifted them above my head. He pushed me into a wall and held on to me.
My eyes widen when I understood what he was about to do. That’s when I lost my senses and began fighting back. I would never let a guy touch me.
“No, leaveeeeeee meeeee”, I screamed with all my might and struggled but his hold on me only tighten and I couldn’t fight back anymore. Alicia and the others walk away leaving me alone with Alex.
I began sobbing when he started touching me under my shirt with his free hand. There was no one to help me. I could only cry. He slapped me a couple of times and then pushed me down on the dirty and wet floor and walked away.
But I couldn’t stop feeling his hands roaming on my body. I kept sobbing. How could someone’s life be so painful? How could a girl not understand another girl’s pain? Many questions zeroed in my mind but I couldn’t find any answers to the questions. I was so weak and felt so lost.
I got up and ran all the way home without glancing back. I ran straight to my bedroom and grabbed a pen to write yet another letter to mom, still in hope that she will answer back.
My hand was trembling with fear and rage.
Please answer me mom. It’s me, your Lea. I can’t keep up with such a life anymore, mom. I can’t bear living under the same roof as dad, mom. I tried my best to care for him and to help him but in return, I only got bitter words from him, mom. Please mom, come and take me away from here. I am getting weaker. I have lost the courage mom. I can’t. I really can’t, mom. I have lost. I can’t keep waiting mom. I can’t....
I stopped and felt down on the floor. I kept replaying my ten years in my head. How my dad abused me and hated me, saying that I was the one responsible behind the departure of my mom.
I ran in the bathroom, grabbed a razor and began cutting myself. It feels good. I am so done with this life. The razor does not seem enough.
I went in the kitchen downstairs stumbling all the way there and grabbed a knife. I cut myself on both wrists and soon felt dizzy with the lost of blood. I slid down the kitchen counter and smiled. I am happy for leaving this heartless world. I’m a human being too. I feel pain like any other human being alive in this world then why? Till when will I bear such extreme pain?
Oh lord I’m crying out
For a special helping hand
Protect me by your might
As the storms roar thru our land
I know there is no hiding place
But only lord in thee
Hide me under your wings
Where I’ll be safe indeed
Turn the power down on
This nightly awesome storm
I know you’re in control Lord
But I’m so tired and worn
These things are all your work
So I know it’s meant to be
Only give me wisdom
To do what’s expected of me
There are precautions I must take
As yet on earth I live
I know I must keep praying
And your blessings you will give.
But now, I am tired and can’t live anymore. Accept me in your arms my Lord and protect me under your magic wings. Blackness overcame me and soon I was in an endless sleep.