Chapter 20: Fear&Love
Fear, everyone has one. It could be a simple as being scared of a spider or butterfly or complex like fear of love or death.
A fear can be anything really, but a lot of times fear is paralyzing, it controls you. It makes your blood run cold, It can make you feel so helpless.
Me? I’m scared of how much I care for Jackson in such a short amount of time, How the mere thought of losing him makes me sad, depressed even. I’m scared of being alone, having no one to turn too, being left behind and forgotten.
I’m scared of the fact that I wanna die but I don’t know what comes after death.
Fear controls my life, it makes me react stupidly sometimes, other times rationally. There’s no guessing the outcome, all you can do is try, try to control how you react.
I’m in love with Jackson and I think he’s cheating on me with my best friend. Just my luck too and it’s not even like I caught them in the act or anything, they just keep lying to me. Both of them but what else could they be lying about?
I’m losing the love of my life and I can’t do anything about it.
My fear is consuming me, Without Jackson and Lillian I have nothing..
I can’t lose them.
I set my journal on my bedside table, a million things running through my mind.
I’m gonna stay with him, I love him so much. I can just ignore the whole Lillian thing, right? It’ll be easy.
And it could all be a misunderstanding.
I pull out my phone, sending Jackson a message.
“What are you doing right now? -Dw”
“Nothing, what’s up? -J”
“Our spot? -Dw”
“See you there -J”
Maybe he’ll tell me what’s going on if I ask, but do I want to risk losing him?
I stand there waiting, looking over the pond.
I’m surprised I got here before he did. I take out my phone to send a message but see I already have one from Jackson.
“Something came up and I can’t make it, sorry. -J”
I wonder what Lillian is doing..
“Wanna hang out? -Dw”
And there it is, I send Jackson another message before turning my phone off and sitting by the water.
“I know you’re with Lillian -Dw”
I look at my surroundings, making sure no one is there before stripping down to my black lace bra and panty set and jumping into the water.
The coldness instantly hits me, chilling me from the outside, in. The water rippling beside me every time I move.
What’s it like to drown? I ask myself before going underwater, and letting myself just float beneath the surface.
It’s so peaceful under here, noise is muffled and Its clear.
The strain of my lungs start to bother me, forcing me to go to the surface for air.
I just float above water, staring at the blue sky, different shapes and sizes of clouds covering the majority of it.
I could just lay here forever. Time doesn’t seem to pass me by here, it’s like it’s frozen, it’s perfect.
“Dawn? Oh god” I hear Jackson’s voice, causing me to look towards him
I fix myself so my body is underwater and he can only see my face. “What?”
“Don’t scare me like that! I thought you drowned.” He yells
“I wish” I whisper.
“What?” He asks
I put on a fake smile “Nothing, sorry. Can you uh...turn around?”
He looks at the ground, noticing my clothes crumpled in a pile. “No” a cocky smile spreads on his face as he looks up to me.
“Why not?” I ask, confused.
“Remember when you were wearing that exact set of underwear and jumped in the pond? And I called you slutty?” He asks, smiling bright.
“Yeah and it’s nothing to smile about, so give me my clothes” I say sternly.
“I want a do-over” he states, stripping down to his boxers and jumping in, not giving me a chance to say anything.
He swims up to me as I’m frozen in place, not knowing how to react.
“The night that you did that was the night that I realized my feelings might be more then just wanting one night with you, when I saw you strip I craved your touch” he pauses “I called you slutty because I was hurt that you rejected me before. I didn’t mean what I said”
Without thinking I wrap my arms around him and pull him in for a deep kiss, his hands wandering down my sides, leaving a trail of goosebumps.
I pull away breathlessly. “I love you so much Jackson and it scares me”
“I’m not cheating on you” he states. “Yes it was Lillian at my house last night and yes she wanted to hangout with me, she’s just a friend Dawn.”
“You both lied to my face.” I push him away, suddenly wanting to distance myself.
“I…” he looks away. “I wanted to get you a gift, but I didn’t know what to get you so I asked her and we’ve been...shopping behind your back.”
I laugh weakly “seriously?”
“What?” He asks.
“I’m so stupid, you are being the perfect boyfriend and I’m a paranoid bitch” I shake my head, not making eye contact with him.
“I have a history, I’m not the faithful type, it hurts that you doubt me but I brought that on myself, you aren’t stupid or a bitch, you’re my life.” He states, his voice stern yet passionate.
“You don’t need to get me anything, having you is enough” I smile, swimming closer to him.
“I want to get you something.” He smiles, putting his hands on my waist. “I love you and I want to give you something to show it.”
“I love you too.” I plant a slow, sweet kiss on his lips before pulling away.
“Now get out of the water and look away so I can get my clothes on.” I laugh.
“Yes ma’am” he jokes as he swims towards the shore.
He’s my everything, Without him I’m nothing.