Chapter 22: Cut
“Dawn!” Jackson calls after me again, trying to keep up with my hurried pace.
I suddenly stop and whirl around to face him “Leave me alone”
“I’m not gonna leave you alone when you’re obviously hurting, Look at you Dawn! You’re a mess” He reaches out to cup my cheek.
I jerk away from him, creating much needed space. “I’m fine” I say through gritted teeth, refusing to make eye contact with him.
“What’s going on?” His soft voice sends shivers down my spine.
“No! You don’t get to do that” I yell, backing away from him.
“Do what?” he asks, confusion shrouding his features.
“Get to chase after me, being all perfect when you aren’t” I yell again, wiping away a stray tear.
“Dawn, you’re drunk. You need to calm down” he sighs, running a hand through his slightly messy hair.
“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.” I hiss
“What are you saying Dawn?” he sighs
“We’re over.” I whisper, looking anywhere but him.
I watch as he turns around and walks away, not even fighting for me.
He doesn’t love me, he loves Lillian doesn’t he? I was just a mistake.
I knew it was too good to be true but I went with it anyways, why am I so goddamn stupid?
I did this to myself, not him, not Lillian, not Tia. I’m the only one to blame. Who am I to stop them from being happy?
Even if it kills me.
I fall to the ground, my weak legs finally giving out as I let the tears escape, quietly sobbing as I hug my legs tightly.
I’m useless, worthless, pathetic, ugly and fat.
A waste of space.
“Dawn...” I hear Jackson’s voice again.
I let out a small whimper of defeat, not lifting my head from my knees.
I feel his arms wrap around me, pulling me tight to his body, his warmth surrounding me, his smell intoxicating me.
“You cheated on me” I sniffle.
“Dawn, no” he sighs.
“I saw you with her Jackson” I say as I push him away, standing back up, leaving him sitting alone.
“Dawn please” he pleads.
“No” I scream. “You were cheating on me with my bestfriend and I should have trusted my gut, I knew something was wrong and you lied about it to my face, you said you loved me, you promised me forever!” I cry, the sobs causing my body to shake.
“I’m sorry Dawn.” He hangs his head in defeat.
“You don’t love me, do you?” I ask, hands shaking.
“Dawn.” he sighs
That’s it, that’s all I needed to know, he lied to me, I was just a damn game. “Goodbye.” was all I could say before I walked away, not looking back, my heart completely shattered.
Dawn sits on the floor against her bed, letting the day run through her mind, replaying it over and over again, the sobs shaking her body uncontrollably as she sits in the dark room all alone.
“God, If you exist please make it stop, I don’t wanna hurt like this anymore, I can’t. I’m not strong enough for this, Please, Please make it stop” She cries, hugging her legs close to her body trying to find some comfort in this lonely time.
She looks over to her dresser where she knows she keeps some razors, her intent written all over her tear streaked face.
Without a second thought she walks over to it, opening a drawer and pulling out a razor, breaking it apart and freeing the blade. “I need this” She whispered to herself, bringing it across her delicate skin, leaving a trail of blood.
Her tears stop as she closes her eyes, revelling in the relief she caused.
Looking down at her wrist, she brings the blade across it again, and again until her wrist is a bloody mess.
She takes a minute, taking in a deep breath before hiding it away under her clothes and sneaking to the bathroom to clean up, masking her pain with an empty face, much like she’s feeling inside.
Empty and alone because lets face it, Her mom is too busy with her other siblings and stepdad, her boyfriend cheated on her with her new best friend and her old best friend treats her badly. Who else does she really have? Who would understand that life is too much? No one would.
When Dawn gets back to her room, she quietly slips into her bed, letting the tears out once again before drifting off, her hand clutching the pillow like it’s the last thing she has left.
I open my eyes feeling a dull ache in my wrist, a mix of fresh and dry blood covering up the cuts. Sighing to myself I slid out of bed to get dressed for the day, making sure to wear something with long sleeves.
After putting on a tight black long sleeved shirt and worn out blue skinny jeans, I put on a full face of makeup including coverup, eyeliner, mascara and a light pink lipstick, covering up the red around my eyes, erasing any sign of sadness that was there once before.
Plastering on a too-fake smile I headed downstairs and greeted my mum before taking an apple and heading out for the day, trying to ignore the whirlwind of emotions and the constant replay of yesterday in my mind.
I can do this. No one will know how broken I really am, they can’t. They can’t know, It’ll destroy me.
They don’t care, they’ll tease me, bully me for it and I can’t handle that right now.
The closer I get to school the more I feel sick, What if I see him? Or her? What will I do? What will I say?
Do they even care that they broke me?
He lied to me.
She lied to me.
I lied to myself.
I thought what we had was real, I loved him with every inch of my being, I shared everything with him, I bared my soul to him and he cheats on me.
Did he ever take her to our spot? Our sacred little spot by the pond, surrounded by trees.
I love that spot. It’s the only place I feel at peace, he can’t take that away from me too, he already took my heart and shattered it, what more could he possibly want or ruin?