Chapter 23: Alone Once More
Tick tick tick
The whole class is drowned out by the sound of the clock as I stare at it, willing the bell to ring and allow me to get some much needed air.
I just broke up with the love of my life and this stuffy classroom filled with people is making me feel like I’m suffocating, Like the world around me is slowly caving in, crumbling around my feet.
Is this how everything is going to feel from now on? Empty? Suffocating? Will it always take everything inside me to not cry at all times?
Standing up quickly, I make my way towards the class exit.
“Where do you think you’re going?” my teacher calls out behind me as I walk out, the bell ringing a second later.
I can’t breathe, I need air.
I run down the hall as quickly as my legs will allow, heading for the nearest exit as tears start to make their way to my eyes.
No one can see this, They can’t know. I can’t be weak.
As soon as the cold air hits me the tears fall as I welcome a deep breath inside of my lungs, How can having a broken heart affect me physically? How can an emotional problem make me feel so sick?
“Hey!” I hear Lillian’s voice call out causing me to freeze in place.
I close my eyes, taking another deep breath, trying to ignore her. Hoping she’s talking to someone else.
“Dawn!” I hear her call again.
Just my luck. “What do you want?” I ask, avoiding facing her.
“To hangout, Are you okay?” She walks in front of me, seeing the tears in my eyes immediately.
I close my eyes, trying to contain the anger that is building up inside of me “Go away”
“No, I’m not going to leave you alone when something is wrong” She states as she reaches for my hand.
I quickly slap her hand away “you are a fucking whore, get out of my face”
“What is your problem?” she asks angrily.
“I had a talk with Jackson. Some best friend you are.” I shake my head at her, trying my best not to hit her.
“Oh. so he told you.” She barely whispers.
“That’s all you have to fucking say?” I yell, clenching my hands into fists. ” You and him were all I had left, I love him and you knew I did. I confided in you about everything! How could you?”
“I’m so sorry Dawn” A single tear falls down her face.
“Sorry? You think sorry is going to cut it here?” I sigh.
“You used me to get to my boyfriend” I shake my head, trying to hold fresh tears in. “I trusted both of you.”
“Dawn it isn’t like that” She pleads.
“It isn’t like that huh? He was my boyfriend! You went behind my back with him, My very own best friend. I use to think Tia was bad but now? She’s a fucking angel compared to your slutty ass. Was our friendship worth getting some fun with him? I hope he was a good fucking lay you stupid bitch” before I realize what I’m doing my hand crosses her face, making an almost sickening sound as pain shoots through my hand. “Stay the fuck away from me.”
“Dawn! What the fuck are you doing?” I turn around, coming face to face with Jackson as he runs up to us.
“Get the fuck out of my life, both of you.”
“Dawn you’re causing a scene” Jackson sighs
“A scene? I’ll show you a fucking scene” I yell as my hand comes across his face too. “Don’t ever talk to me again, either of you.” I say before running down the street, leaving Jackson and Lillian speechless and a lot of students gossiping and murmuring to each other.
I can’t handle this, It hurts so much. I need to go to ou--my spot, I need to get away.
I can’t go to this school anymore, It’s too humiliating.
The crisp November winds chill my face as I stand at the edge of my magical pond, the only place I feel at peace.
I can’t believe I fell so hard and fast for him, I trusted him. Not even the sparkle of the water, or the swaying trees, the bold smell of the earth...nothing is helping me right now.
I’m hurting inside and no one can help me now.
Loving Jackson shouldn’t hurt this much, love shouldn’t hurt at all, It’s supposed to be magical, easy. Perfect. But it’s not, it’s not beautiful, it’s not magical, it’s darkness and pain, it’s empty promises and lies. It’s shit.
I sit on the hard ground, inches away from the rippling water, lifting my knees to my chest and hugging them tightly as i rest my chin on them.
Do the good memories fade? Do the painful ones disappear? Will this ever be a distant memory that causes no feelings at all?
What’s wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? I wish someone would tell me.
First my family, then the bullying and Tia. Now Jackson and Lillian too. Is there anyone in my life I can trust?
“Dawn” I hear his voice as he walks up and sits beside me. “You’re crying”
I reach up to my face, feeling my wet cheeks, not noticing the tears before. “What do you expect? Me to be all happy?”
“No” he sighs, picking up a rock and throwing it across the pond.
“How’d you find me?” I let out a humorless chuckle, refusing to meet his gaze.
“This is our spot and I know how calm it makes you.” his voice is a soft whisper full of regret.
“It just hurts now. It’s not peaceful anymore.” I close my eyes, wishing for the tears to stop.
“I broke up with her.” He states, not once looking away from me.
“I don’t care” I lie. I can’t not love him.
“I made a mistake Dawn, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” he runs his hand through his hair as my gaze meets his.
“You hurt me.” Was all I could muster out, the air becoming more difficult to breathe.
“Dawn” he sighs
“I can take a lot of things, Being bullied? Ok, no problem. My family having no time for me? Use to it. My stepdad being a dick and alienating my family away from me? I deal with it every single day. I go through hell on a daily basis, I have no one to talk to, too cry to and It’s okay because I’m used to being alone” I take in a deep breath, carefully choosing my next words. “You broke me, you broke my heart into a million pieces but I can’t even hate you because I love you so damn much. I feel like the world around me fell to pieces, like all the air got sucked out of my lungs. I trusted you and you broke me.”
“No, I’m not finished.” I cutt him off. “You made every single day better, you made me smile and laugh, you were there for me when I had no one. You acted like you cared and I believed you but this? Not in a million years did I imagine this. You’re the first person I ever really let in, You were the first person to ever make me feel loved and complete and whole again and look what you did. So no, I don’t care that you broke up with Lillian because it doesn’t erase the fact that you cheated and lied and played me like a fool after you promised me forever” I cry, hugging my legs tighter to my chest. “So what I need right now is for you to leave me alone.”
He just nods as he stands up and walks away, not once looking back.
“I can’t let myself love you anymore because it hurts” I whisper, but he can’t hear me anymore.
I’m alone again but it’s okay, it’s how it’s supposed to be.