The First Day
"Your mind will play tricks, but they way you feel in your heart, is the truth." ~Don Miguel Ruiz
My day is going horrible.
First off, Miya and I woke up to a random college student running down the hallways of our dorm cite in just his boxers, hitting a pot with a wooden stick.
Long story short, Miya told him she'd cut off his balls if he did it again.
Once she slammed the door shut, she mumbled under her breath about cutting every guys screwdriver off and feeding it to them. Let's just say that I backed away from her very slowly. Since Miya can't function without at least 3 cups of coffee, we waited in silence till she was able to talk and once she did, she just talked about killing everyone and marched to her room.
And don't even get me started on my outfit. I couldn't find a single damn thing. Not only was none of my clothes washed, but none of my shit was unpacked either. So, you know what we went with? Gray joggers and a black t-shirt.
That's right, I went rogue.
Lastly, I couldn't find fucking my class I was supposed to be in, so I came in late. I only had one class today, and two tomorrow so it should have been a piece of cake, but nope. I had walked into the classroom and all talking stopped. It was absolutely quiet. The teacher finally noticed I was in the doorway and asked who I was. After the introductions, she told me since I didn't hear the lecture that I would have to turn in the homework early before everyone else.
Which is today, since it's due tomorrow.
So here I am, in front of my laptop trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be writing about. All I could figure out was that it had to be on language. What fucking language?
I groan and slam it shut. I grimace and hope I didn't break the thing and throw it to the other side of the couch, where it falls on the floor. Well, if it wasn't broken then it sure is now.
I didn't see anyone I knew today while walking on campus. Not Harriet, not Alex, not Miya, and not Ace. Well if Miya and Harriet were together, everyone would know in a 10 miles radius since I've heard they are so goddamn loud when they fight. Alex most likely is flirting with some girl and Ace...I don't know what Ace would do. He seemed like an open book but wasn't.
I scream in frustration and put my head in my hands. School was always a fickle thing, with the going everyday and having homework. I worked my ass off to actually get straight A's. And since I had no friends or a life, I was able to study a lot. Getting a scholarship to this college had to be the best thing that happened to me and I'm very grateful.
But do I actually have to do the homework?
"What is all the commotion about?" A incredulous voice demands from the hallway. I lift my head from my hands and give my newly found friend a glare. "I never anticipated that professors could be such fucking cocksuckers."
"Whoa." She said with a grimace. "Calm down there killer. Why the heck are you cussing so much?"
"Because I'm fucking pissed off!" I yelled, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. "I came here to start over and it just seems like everything is repeating itself. Everyone looked at me like I was some sore of goddamn alien, like all of highschool. Why can't my life just be normal for once?"
It was the truth. Walking across campus to get to my class was torture. Everyone stared at me, making me feel more insecure than I already was. I knew I wasn't good looking and had all the wrong curves in all the wrong places, I've been told as such all through highschool. But, did they have to stare?
I didn't realize I was crying until Miya ran over to me and crouch in front of me, wiping my tears. "Hey it's okay. Talk to me." She said softly.
So I did.
I told her about Irina and how she hated me from the start. I told her how she would get people from our school to be friends with me for a day and them dump me the next. I told her about what happened with James and how Irina was the one to make the whole thing up. I told her about never actually finding my place in the world and never fitting in. Never wanting to because, honestly, I was afraid of people. Afraid of what they're capable of.
She listened the whole time, just nodding along and sometimes clenching her fists so hard they turned white. Her face would contort into one of anger and sympathy, but never pity. I'm not very good with people since I've never actually paid attention to them, but I can tell Miya is genuine. When I finished, she sat there in silence. After a couple of minutes I decided to break the ice.
"Miya. Are you okay?" I asked, concerned since she still hasn't talked.
She looked at me with a 'are you dumb' look. "Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"
I shrugged and gave her a small smile. "I went through some pretty horrible shit, and it still haunts me sometimes. But I realize now that there are other people that have it way worse than me and I'm grateful I never have to go through anything harder than what I did. I'm not going to dwell on it now because I'll regret it later." I licked my dry lips and thought for a moment. "All my life I've had depression and I've suffered tremendously for it. I wasn't in the mood to actually do anything. I mean I don't have to have friends to do shit, I'd be fun if I did but most of the time it didn't stop me."
I swallowed a lump in my throat, remembering something. "About 3 years ago, when I was 15, I was home along. When I was usually home alone I'd just sit there and stare at wall. I'd have everything to myself and there would be tranquility. But..." I trailed off, too afraid to keep going to risk my friendship with Miya. If she knew, what would she think?
"Hey," Miya spoke softly, "You can tell me anything. I won't judge." She grabbed my hand and squeezed gently.
I nodded slowly and continued. "My thoughts wouldn't stop rolling around in my head and I just...snapped. I punched a whole in the wall and started throwing things everywhere. My thoughts just needed to stop. Everything I've done wrong in my life just kept going on repeat and the things that Irina would say would keep going and going and going. I-" My voice broke. "I- I needed to feel something. So, I found myself in the bathroom upstairs and the razors were there..."
"Oh no." I heard a whimper from Miya and I looked to see her crying. She launched herself at me and hugged me tightly. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You never should have." She pulled back and looked me in the eye. "Never, ever think that I would judge you for things you've done. I know I've only known you for a day but I know that you don't do things unless you have a reason for them. You are my bestfriend and nothing you will ever do will change that. Don't be ashamed of those scares baby girl, because it proves that you fought tooth and nail to be here."
I was sobbing by the time she was finished. No one has ever made me feel like I was actually worth something. No one has made me feel good about myself. Except Miya. Except my new bestfriend.
She hugged me again while I cried. Well, she cried too. We hugged until our tears dried and we eventually pulled back. I gave her a watery smile and she gave me the same.
"So, what was the commotion all about?"
I laughed and pointed at my laptop on the floor. "I was late to my lecture and our homework that is due tomorrow, is due for me today. Well tonight actually. But I got frustrated and threw it to the end of the couch and it fell on the floor."
She snorted and strolled over to said laptop and opened it. Her eyes widened and she chuckled nervously. She put it down on the table gently and beckoned me with her hand. "Let's just use my laptop since yours looks like you dropped it off a 2 story building." I sighed sadly and follwed after her to her bedroom.
Maybe my first day wasn't so bad after all...