Chapter Nine - Please don't... stop
Walking with a limp is challenging but trying to hide a limp is even more challenging because even if you succeed in covering your limp, your face betrays you. Either way, your pain will surface and everyone will see.
Sometimes, when I’m alone, whether that be in the field or at home or in school, I think about where I am now; about how if I did talk I might have a boyfriend to hug, to kiss, to laugh with and love.
I think about maybe if my mam was still here, that I would still be talking, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend at that point, I’d still have my mam to hug, to laugh with and love, to kiss on the cheek as a ‘thank you’ for always being there for me, for when she’s being the best person ever.
But I’m not and I’m okay with that.
And sometimes I think about what my mam said a couple of days before she died and it has stuck with me ever since. “Don’t be afraid to let your dream die.”
I never understood it at the time but I do now. When I was a kid, I used to dream of having so many friends, about having a loving boyfriend that would be my best friend and a loving family that would always be there for me when I needed them.
But a couple of years after she died, that dream died but I just didn’t realise it. Not until I turned thirteen and I realised that I don’t have friends, I definitely don’t have a boyfriend and I sure as shit don’t have a loving fucking family.
I don’t know the meaning of those things because I’ve never had those. I’ve never had a loving family, maybe in the past, in the time when I was naive, but not now. No way in hell.
Yeah, I had one friend when I was a kid, but she left and look where she is now. She’s the ‘queen bee’ but when my mother died? She was gone. No way to find her, no way to get her back, to save her.
The point when I realised my dream died was when I was in RE and the teacher said to label down all the words and phrases that come to mind when he shows us pictures and words.
The first word that popped up was ‘family’ and do you want to know the first word that popped up into my head was? ‘Broken.’ Just that single word, nothing more, nothing less. That was before he asked up to change our words into a sentence.
So, I looked back up at the photo of the family with the word next to it, I looked down at my blank piece of paper and wrote two more words down. ‘Broken. Beyond repair.’
The next word and photo that the teacher put on the board was a girl with a hood up, with bruises dotted on her face, with the word ‘sympathy’. So, for the second time, I wrote down a word. ‘Normality.’ However, when we had to turn it into a sentence for a while I couldn’t think of anything until it finally clicked. ‘Abuse is my normality.’
I got home that day with the piece of paper of dark secrets that I had accidentally spilt out onto my paper in my bag, safely secure with the words and sentences that were not safe to show an authoritative figure.
Along with the paper that filled my secrets, my father came home and spilt his. He had a girlfriend. At the time I didn’t know it was that serious as the late couple of years he’s had flings upon flings upon flings to try to fill the void my mother left but to no avail as the void is still eating away at his soul. Slowly.
Back then I didn’t fuss about my father having a girlfriend because I knew he wouldn’t want me to meet her or her to meet me as I had a disease. A disease he caused, me being mute and the fact I was labelled the town freak.
After all the overthinking going on in my head and the paper burning a hole through my backpack, the next week, he announced to me he was getting married to her. He’d known her for two years but I knew that he had been having flings for the past three years.
So, that was what came to be my step-mother. At first, she liked me. She actually, physically like me, it wasn’t a show and it wasn’t fake. I could tell.
Or so I thought.
Slowly, she started to unravel and that was because my father withheld her meds from her. After all, in his words, “baby, you don’t need them,” was all she needed to hear to believe him.
She had a handful of things that needed meds but one of the things my father withheld from her the most? It was her antidepressants and her lithium. He loved the stuff. Took it when he could and then would take her out on dates and make her feel loved then he would come back and beat me, slowly my step-mother would join in.
She was the worst, always pulled my hair, left scratch marks on me and would spit on me. My father wouldn’t do that, he would just punch me and kick me.
The worst thing they did? I have burn marks on my back and scars from where they thought it would be funny to pierce my skin with a kitchen knife.
But my step-mother has been staying at her mothers’ house because her mother got tipped off that she wasn’t taking her meds... I wonder who that was?
Apparently, she’s coming back tomorrow because she wants to have ‘a talk’ with my father about something. She’s been gone a month and I’m glad she’s gone. I don’t think my father has missed her one bit, considering he’s dipped his dick into more woman than I’ve seen in my entire life.
But the one good thing I got out of meeting my step-mother? Her son, Luke. He long hair he keeps in a man bun normally and he’s slightly short, has tattoos. He left a couple of years ago when his mam started beating him. She punched him once and he ran. He got a place and moved out. Two years later and he’s twenty, has a place, a girlfriend. Everything. I text him sometimes but he refuses to come back.
Yeah, she’s nice. I’ll have to introduce you two some time. I think you’ll like her :)
Maybe bring her back into town? So I could meet her?
Riley, you know I’d love to see you again but it’s just not happening. I don’t want to come back. Ever.
Fine, then don’t fucking come back. Just leave me here, you didn’t have a problem with leaving me here in the past and you sure as shit don’t now.
Riley... come on, I didn’t mean it like that...
And then I left it at that. It’s not my problem that he doesn’t want to come back and see his little sister. Not at all.
My body jerks when the back of my head gets pelted by a light object, turning around I see no one looking at me so I look down to see a paper ball, I pick it up and see scrawled neatly on the back was: ’I’m meeting Dat break do you want to come with?-T’ does that mean lesson is nearly over?
My eyes dart to the clock and sure enough, there are five minutes left of the lesson left.
I turn around and Tom is lazily grinning at me. I give him a thumbs up and turn back around, wincing quietly when I shift in my seat, my muscles crying with pain from yesterday’s beating.
The bell rings and I sigh miserably, everyone hastily packing away. I put my pen in my jacket and swing my bag over my sore shoulders and gently throw my book on the teachers’ desk as I walk by with Tom by my side.
‘So, what were you up to last night?’ He signs, looking at me for my response.
‘Oh you know, sleeping mostly.’ I shrug, ignoring the pain that shoots through my body and glance at Tom to see him chuckle, believing my lie.
I let out a breath of relief and slow down when I see Adonis and Elijah stroll over to us, they all tower over me, Adonis being the highest at 6’3. He’s so tall for being so young.
As soon as the boys get to us, they each grab our wrists and pull us to the hall where our breakfast bar is held.
Again, I wince when Elijah pulls on my wrist, the bandage hopefully doing its job and soaking up the blood that I can feel seeping out of the cuts I left last night.
We all make our way through the line and into the place where they pass the food, my eyes stop on the toast and waffles and stay on them for a while while the boys get their food, Adonis looks at me and back at the food before nudging me slightly.
“Why don’t you get one? You seem hungry.” He says, grabbing a drink.
‘Don’t have any money.’ More like, I’m too fat and dad will know I’ve eaten.
He nods at me and goes back to the food to ask the lady who hands the food out for three waffles. Three. Damn, this boy has got an appetite.
We all sit down on a table and as I’m looking around, I see out the corner of my eye, a waffle being slid over to me from my right eye by Adonis. I turn to look at him and furrow my eyebrows.
He sees me looking at him and looks me directly in the eye as he leans back, his left arm coming to rest on the back of my chair before he leans down to my ear and slowly drawls: “I know you’re hungry and that you wanted one so don’t even start with the whole ‘I’m not hungry’ bullshit. Just shut up and eat it.” He says lowly at the end, letting his hot breath fan my neck slightly as he commands me, causing the hairs to stand up.
Holy fuck. Yes, sir.
I grab the waffle and eat a little bit of it slowly. Making sure he sees me eat it, he smiles at me smugly and takes a bite of his, successfully eating half of it in one bite. What else does that mouth do?
I mentally facepalm myself at my thoughts and slowly eat the waffle Adonis bought me as he watches me, he offers me his drink when I’m done and I smile as a thank you and drink from it. Trying to ignore my thoughts telling me I’m drinking from something that his mouth touched.
Oh my god, what’s happening to me?
“Woah don’t drink it all!” He says playfully, pulling the drink away, some of the liquid dribbling down my chin, he stares at the liquid as it falls down my chin. I wipe it away quickly and listen in to Elijah and Toms conversation. “You’re wrong.” Eli shrugs.
“How the fuck am I wrong?” Tom says sharply. “Lucy is way hotter than big bum over there.” Tom says nodding over to a girl with a big arse, she sees the boys staring and ‘accidentally’ drops her water bottle, having to bend over to pick it up, she shoves her arse in the air. “Oh, my days. I think I might have to rub one out... oof.” Elijah runs his hands down his face and then adjusts his pants.
I laugh and shake my head at the two at the same time I chew, finishing the last of my waffle, I stand up with Elijah and Tom as they get ready to head to their third period. Elijah and Tom are in two different classrooms across the school whereas Adonis and I are just downstairs.
Adonis’ hand shoots out and grabs mine, jerking me back down on the chair with a ‘humph’ when I land. “We’re only downstairs,” he says casually, drinking a little of the water we shared and looking at the boys. “I’ll see you later boys.” He says as they leave.
Soon after, the bell goes and Adonis is still eating his second waffle. ‘What’s taking so long?’ I slide the note to him and he raised an eyebrow. “Going somewhere?”
I shake my head and point at the lunch lady that has warned us to leave and is glaring daggers at us now, causing him to chuckle. “What? You scared of princess Fiona?” he slides his chair out and leans back casually, with one of his feet propped up in the chair in front of him.
Shaking my head, I let him eat and look at the clock on the wall, 11:40.
‘Adonis, we’re late for science, can we just go? Just eat quicker, man.’ I slide him the note, standing up and turning my back to him so I can grab my bag but he just jerks me back down; but as I wasn’t expecting it, I fall into his lap and he chuckles, wrapping his arm around my waist to settle on my thighs.
“Stay right there.” He says, patting my thighs.
I squirm in his grip, loving the feeling and that scares me, scares me so much that I want to move. I move my hips in his lap trying to get him to let go but his forehead falls on my back with a soft groan at the same time his hand settles on my left hip.
My back straightens when I feel something harden on my arse. Is he...? WHAT THE FUCK?!
My hips move harder and faster on hips lap and he digs his nails into my hips with a moan, effectively stopping me from moving. It immobilises me. “Babe, fuck. You don’t even know what you’re doing to me; you’re killing me.” He moves my hips against his lap himself, widening his legs but only slightly so I don’t fall through, but he moves them slowly this time and brings his mouth to the back of my neck to kiss it. My skin starts to heat up as he moves my hips against his.
Ooo... okay. I kinda like that.
For some reason my back arches when he sucks lightly on the side of my neck and his breath hitches but he snaps out of it when the dinner lady from before shouts at us. “I’ve already told you two, get out. You’re late for your third period!” She says, not noticing what we are doing.
I jump away from him, blushing hard like my life depended on it. Holy fuck. I enjoyed that. Too much.
Embarrassed, I avoid eye contact with him while he adjusts himself under the table when the lady isn’t looking and stand up. He smirks down at me and hooks his arms around my shoulder, steering me into the direction of our science class.
Halfway there however is when Aurora comes around the corner. She stops dead in front of us but Adonis hasn’t noticed her yet as he’s on his phone texting, someone.
At the same time, she points at me and moved her finger over her neck signalling I’m dead is when I shrug Adonis’ arm off my shoulder. She glares at me and disappears back down the corridor.
Adonis tries to talk to me as we walk the rest of the way but I refuse to write anything, I’m thinking of ways to get out of the situation with Aurora.
We stop in front of our science classrooms door and we look through the window and see everyone writing and the teacher at their desk.
“Go in then.”
“I don’t want to walk in.”
‘Well, neither do I!’
“Just walk in!”
‘Are you serious?’
He furrows his eyebrows at me and crosses his arms, waiting for me to continue. ‘Says the person who had enough confidence to make me grind my hips against yours... but not open a classroom and walk in?’ I cross my arms, challenging him.
“Because I liked feeling your pussy against my dick,” he looks me dead in the eye. “Plus... it’s not like you didn’t enjoy it when you started it in the first place.” He runs a hand through his hair before taking a step closer to me.
‘I was trying to getaway! You didn’t let me go!’
“So that’s your excuse? Wow. Okay.” He rolls his eyes. “Look, lets just Rock Paper Scissors it.” He shrugs and holds out his hands.
I sigh and hold mine out to him. ’On the count of three.”
One. Two. Thr-
“Woah, Woah, Woah. Are we going on ‘three’ or are we going on ‘go’ or are we going after ‘three’?”
Oh, my fucking go-
“Oh my god, just come in the classroom already, we heard all your shit already and we’re sick of it. Just get in.” Sydney says with sluggish eyes, telling me she’s been asleep, cuts off our game before we could finish it. I take a look into the classroom and my eyes widen. Everyone- and I mean everyone is staring at us.
Sydney rolls her eyes and holds the door open, leaving us to stand there at the door. “Well shit,” Adonis mutters.
Well shit indeed.
While everyone stares at us as we walk in, Adonis finds his place on my shoulders with his arm and pulls me into his side, kissing my hair, telling me without words that he’s got me.
“Well, Adonis, Riley. Care to tell us where you’ve been?” Miss asks
There’s a loud laugh that resonates through the classroom and everyone including me, Adonis and the teacher turns to look at the person who laughs.
Joseph. With... Aurora? What the fuck is she doing here?!
“It’s pretty obvious where they’ve been, Miss. Someone’s been uh... how can I put this?” He fakes thinking before going: “Ah! By the sounds of it, in biology terms, they’ve been fornicating miss.”
“Joseph! Don’t make such allegations!” Miss says shocked. “Oh sorry, Miss. My mistake, but it is pretty obvious they’ve been getting it on!” He stands up then and jumps the table making everyone laugh.
However, it makes me blush and the memory of someone else humping come to mind. Fuck. He just won’t leave!
’Cause we’ll always be here baby. My inner demon taunts.
I look to my left and see Adonis’ jaw clenched tight, his hand has since been dropped from my shoulder and they are now in tight fists at his side. Oh shit.
“Oh, and it wasn’t you with Alexis under the stairs this morning shagging like bunnies huh?” Adonis says pointedly at Joseph, making everybody stop laughing, including Joseph.
“Excuse me?” Miss says, trying to interrupt. “Nah.” Joseph’s jaw ticks. “Wasn’t me. Must’ve been someone else mate.” Their eyes lock and neither one of them backs down.
“Oh, my mistake because I could’ve sworn it was you who said to her ‘oh baby, I’m gonna cum!’ And I believe Alexis’ response was: ‘really? Already? We’ve been going at it for two minutes.’ Damn... could’ve sworn it was you.” Adonis scratches his head and rubs his chin while everyone stares in shock at Joseph before they burst out laughing. I look at Miss and see her covering her mouth before turning around and her shoulders shake.
“You little-“ Joseph runs over to Adonis, red in the face and swings at him, Adonis takes a step back causing Jospeh to miss and swing again but this time straight forward, Adonis pushes his hand out of the was before moving his leg behind Joseph’s and pulling him forward making Jospeh plummet to the floor in a groaning mess.
“Boys!” Miss shouts.
As soon as Joseph flew off his stool at Adonis, everyone followed creating a crowd around them. Miss can’t see who or what has happened so she can’t do anything.
Adonis grabs me as Miss moves to the crowd and pushes through, we sit down just as she makes it to Joseph.
I look around the classroom and see some people still at their desks, not caring and then I see Sydney and Rosie sleeping on their desks. A small smile makes it to my face when I notice them both.
Everyone knows they’re best friends and that they both party too hard. Sydney and Rosie both do drugs of any kind and drink any alcohol just because it’s alcohol, in their words ‘you need to just live life, man. Who cares what people say? Do what you want!’
And I respect that.
Most people refer to Sydney as ‘Smilie’ because she had a spurt of taking LSD for a while and Rosie? She doesn’t have a nickname but because she’s friends (or secretly her girlfriend) she’s assumed to have taken all these drugs like Sydney.
But Rosie’s innocent, I think she smokes and drinks but she doesn’t do drugs, maybe a few joints here and there but nothing serious.
My thoughts get cut off by miss doing the register. This late into the lesson?
“Joseph- oh he’s gone to student services.” What for?
“Luke,” she says. “Yes, Miss.” He replies.
“Sydney.” She says pointedly, knowing she’s asleep. Rosies awake but barely hanging on as she nudges Sydney.
Sydney pops her head up and wipes her eyes at her. “What?” Rosie nods her head at Miss and she rolls her eyes. “Yes, Miss. No miss. Or whatever the hell you were asking.” She sinks her head back down but this time onto Rosies’ shoulder and goes back to sleep. While the register continued I slide a note over to Adonis.
‘Are you okay?’
He grunts in response and ignores me for the remainder of the lesson.
At dinner, the effects of withdrawal have come in, seemingly as though I’ve run out of paint. I think they’ve realised but no one has said anything.
The corridors are left deserted as everyone is either at clubs, eating or just generally outside, Adonis stops me halfway down the corridor and faces me. “I’m sorry for ignoring you in science. I was worked up and-“ I cut him off my waving him off.
“But it’s not,” he walks up to me and I walk back until my back hits the lockers, I gasp when he leans against the lockers on his shoulders next to me, he runs his hand through his hair again and paces the corridor while I look on in confusion. he comes back and leans close to me, very close.
He leans his head down to my level. “It’s not okay, you don’t deserve to be ignored.”
’It’s okay. I’m used to it.’ Once he reads that he slams his hand down on the locker next to my head making me whimper quietly.
Well done Riley, messing up like normal. My demon sings.
“You shouldn’t be used to it! Why would anyone want to ignore you? You’re fucking beautiful.” His breath hitches when he realised what he’s said and he closes his eyes, he rests his forehead on the cool locker, taking a moment to breathe before looking back at me.
Why is he looking at me like that?
His eyes travel from my shoulders, up to my neck, along my jaw, stopping at my lips; weirdly my tongue picks this as the time to dart out and lick my lips quickly causing Adonis’ eyes to meet mine.
He steps forward and cups my face gently, I flinch back making his hands fly away, he studies me silently as he holds his hands out in surrender; slowly moving them back to my face, stopping just before they touch my jaw and cheeks as he silently asks for permission.
Adonis’ rough and warm hands cup my face when I nod and my head involuntarily leans into his hands, he smiles softly and strokes my cheeks making me relax and my eyes fall.
I hear him take a step forward slowly, unsure and I look up at him to see him centimetres away from my face.
Looking into his eyes, I pull my bottom lip into my mouth with my tongue and he watches me do this, jaw clenched tight. He pushes his hands back slightly so his fingers are in my hair by doing this he pulls me forward and crashes his lips to mine.
At first, it’s gentle. Almost caring.
But then his tongue pushes my lips apart, my hands drop my pen and paper and cling to his wrists.
Being inexperienced doesn’t help me in this department but I do what my instincts tell me. I open my mouth slowly and let my tongue meet his, causing him to groan and dig his fingers into my hair.
His hands drop from my head to run down the sides of my body, resting on my lower back to pull me to him, by doing this he causes me to gasp when my body crashes against his hard one, gaining an advantage, he lets our tongues wrestle, his right hand coming forward slightly to dig into my hips, his left holding my waist.
My hands find his hair and pull on it, pulling him towards me making us kiss harder. I pull away shortly after but he doesn’t stop, he moves his head down to my neck and leaves open mouth kisses down the left side of my neck. Oh my... please don’t stop. My head moves to the right giving him better access and I can feel him smirk against my skin.
Adonis’ warm hands move down to grab my arse and he breaks from my neck to whisper in my ear “jump.” I do as I’m told and my legs wrap around his waist, he pushes against me so I’m pressed into the lockers, his hands on my arse so I don’t fall.
My hands pull on his hair so he kisses me again and I moan into the kiss when he squeezes my arse. Not knowing where that came from, I break from the kiss again and his head falls into my clothed collarbone.
Adonis’ right-hand trails up my jacket and shirt, onto my hot skin and he trails his hand up my back slowly. “I’ve been wanting to do that ever since this morning.” He trails his hand back down my body and grabs my arse again causing him to groan and me to gasp.
He lets me down and looks me directly in the eye. “At the start you really had me.”
He laughs. “I really thought you never kissed anyone but damn... you’re a good fucking kisser.” I stare at his swollen lips confused.
Adonis takes my silence as a bad thing. “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted me to kiss you.” He looks away and I panic. ‘No, no I did...’
Fuck. No, that’s not what I meant. After a solid minute of not knowing what to say I finally wrote a sentence. ‘It’s not that... I’ve just never kissed anyone before. I was confused that’s all.’
I hand him the note and avoid eye contact, I blush embarrassed and close my eyes when his finger cups my chin and makes me lookup. “Look at me.”
I look at him for a second before looking and moving my head away. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re a good- no -great kisser.” He points down at his pants and I blush harder when I realise he’s ‘pitched a tent’.
“You’ve really got me going... damn I wish I knew you a few years ago.” He bites his lip and runs his hand through his messy hair I caused. ‘Why?’
“No reason...” he shrugs and adjusts himself again. “This is the second time I’ve had to do this because of you.” He teases before chuckling to himself, making me laugh quietly along with him.