Amidst Brokenness Memories and Impossibilities

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Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Eli’s POV

I know that I had fucked up. If only there was a way to magically fix how badly I had fucked up, but there wasn’t. In the weeks that followed Belle wouldn’t let me touch her. It wasn’t like in the past where I could simply whisper an apology into her ear, and she would turn in my embrace, and forgive me on sight. No. This was somehow different. She wouldn’t let me kiss her, let alone whisper an apology that actually broke through to the inside of her mind. She was silent for vast periods of time. So quiet that the children would worry for her, and ask me why she was quiet. Then there were the nights where we used to get lost in one another. Instead Belle would lose herself to the quiet, and I would move to coil an arm around her, and she would jerk away. Silently she would reject my touch. My love.

I granted her my own silence, and after weeks my apologies ran dry. I couldn’t be any more sorry than I already was. Walter hadn’t suffered any broken bones, or anything of that nature. He would be just fine, and we had put in a restraining order against him. But I was beginning to realize this wasn’t about Walter. It was about Cooper as well. It had been his funeral after all, and I had just had to beat up Walter. It was like I could hear her scolding me without her even saying a single word at all.

Halloween came, and passed, and I know how badly the day pained her. She wouldn’t even look at her own children that were dressed in the costumes we had bought on Cooper’s last good day. Instead she had curled up alongside Cooper’s Scooby Doo costume, and had sobbed into the fabric. I felt a deep loss for our son as well, but I hadn’t known him like she did. I hadn’t gone through the hospital stays, and radiation treatments with him. I couldn’t possibly imagine the deep seeded hatred she felt for herself, and probably for me, because of the loss of our child.

I took the other children trick, or treating without her, and they happily got their candy. Little Anya insisted on taking a bag for Cooper as well. She told me some nights that she still spoke to him, and she wanted him to have some candy too. It was only fair. No one protested when little Anya came up with both bags, and begged for candy for her brother. She would tell them he lived with the angels now, and almost every home owner gave me a sympathetic look before dumping handfuls of candy in my children’s bags. By the time we had made it home Anya had two hulking bags filled to the brim with candy, and I was carrying them both by that point. Gabe, and Hope’s as well.

I had let them eat their candy. Get sick on it even, and I hadn’t stopped them. But Anya had refused to touch Cooper’s insisting that he would eat it himself. I didn’t have the heart to try to explain to her that he wouldn’t be able to, so instead I let her keep it in her bedroom, where she insisted Cooper would come, eat it.

As November came around it was several more weeks, and Belle still wouldn’t forgive me. She allowed me to kiss her, but if I even so much as tried to go further she would push me away. I couldn’t say I blamed her, but it was starting to ache not to be with her. Thanksgiving was nearing, and I knew that it was time to go pick out a turkey, and take the kids with me. Belle insisted she needed a bit of alone time, and I had a lot of food to buy for the upcoming holiday regardless. So I took the kids out. Purchased everything we could possibly need, and just as I was returning I could hear the sound of Isaiah’s voice inside.

We hadn’t needed him as a babysitter in a while, because of Cooper’s illness, and Belle not wanting to work. He had been at the funeral however, I remember him offering his condolences. He might even have been one of the ones to pull me from Walter. I couldn’t recall.

As I stepped inside the children all ran to him, and gave him a hug. I smiled, and greeted him, whilst Belle was sitting on the couch, absently staring into space. “Are you alright?” I asked her, moving to sit beside her.

She merely stared straight ahead for a few moments, before she turned her eyes towards me. “I wanted to give the kids a treat, give them a night with Isaiah. I want to head to bed early.” She mentioned, and I found myself staring at her with an odd expression on my face.

“I could watch them.” I mentioned to her, and she shook her head.

“Anna’s party is tonight. I already told her you would go.” She mentioned, and I realized it had completely fled my mind. It was supposed to be some kind of college party, or something of the like. It was meant to cheer both Belle, and I up, but she was refusing to go, and it wasn’t like I could blame her. I had fully missed out on the college experience. In fact I had completely missed out on the remaining two years I had left of high school as well, and our mother had been nagging me to get a GED to at least show I actually gave a fuck, but with everything that had been going on I hadn’t had the time, or the mindset to get stared.

I suppose that for tonight it couldn’t hurt if I took a load off, my sister already ignored me for the most part, and I really did miss going to parties. I still had some of my memories of what they used to be like. My friends used to get rowdy, take a girl upstairs, and brag about it the next night. I had only ever been over Anna’s house a few times before, mostly it was to drop the children off, or pick them up. I didn’t usually go inside. I know she has quite a few siblings, but her parents, and siblings were all out of town for the next two weeks for Thanksgiving, apparently they always went, and visited one of their family members when the holidays rolled around, but Anna couldn’t go because of her classes so she had stayed behind.

I doubted highly that her parents knew she was throwing this party, but I would never tell on her, and neither would Belle. I doubt Belle even had it in her to do much more than say a few sentences, let alone rat out her best friend.

I leaned in, and stole a kiss from Belle’s lips before I stood up. “Alright, well if I am going I better get ready.” I mentioned to her, and she nodded solemnly before I headed up the stairs. It took me only a few minutes to throw on a clean shirt, and jeans, before running a comb through my hair. With one final look in the mirror I headed towards the stairs, quickly grabbing my jacket, and heading outside. It was already growing chilly, and I knew it would soon be snowing ( probably within the next week, or so ) and it was the time of year to bundle up.

“I am going out, kids. You be good for Isaiah, alright?” I mused, giving each of them gentle kisses on top of their heads, and hugging each in turn. I waved to Belle, and she waved back, as I headed out the door.

I was ready for a night of freedom. I wanted relief from the trap that had become my mind. I wanted solace, as well as freedom. I wasn’t really certain how I was meant to earn either of those things. It seemed that god was unforgiving of what I had done with my sister time, and time again. I returned, and our son died. How could I perceive it as anything less than a punishment for having taken my sister, and making her my own? I thought about it time and time again, and right now I moved to start the car, heading towards Anna’s house.

The party was already roaring, I could hear it from the outside. There was screaming, and laughing happening inside, and as I walked up the front pathway, I already felt my spirits beginning to lighten. How I had missed drinking for the fuck of it, and blacking out. I wanted to forget about the fact that I couldn’t touch Belle right now. Furthermore I wanted to forget that I had just lost one of my son’s. I wanted to simply forget that time existed at all, and that tomorrow I would have to face the pain again.

Tonight was going to help me forget. All of it. I could be anyone I wanted to be. I moved to open the front door, stepping inside. I dodged past drunken men, and women. I was pretty sure that most of them were underage, but so was I. I didn’t care.

I stepped in further, fighting my way to the alcohol, where I began to pour myself some beer from the keg tap. I took a long sip, and downed the entire cup, before pouring myself another.

“Mchottie! You made it!” Anna teased, and pulled me into a hug. I returned it, and let out a bit of a laugh. Attempting to loosen up just a little bit for tonight.

“Yea, I promised I would, didn’t I?” I mused, before taking another swig of the beer. It was already beginning to feel like a party, and it felt amazing to be standing where I was. The beer was already beginning to loosen up my body. I felt like a million bucks. The cares, and worries were quickly beginning to slip away as Anna dragged me to the center of the living room, and began to dance with me.

She was already heavily drunk, I could tell, but she was still the life of the party, playing beer pong, and taking shots on a dare. Dancing with me to the bump and grind music that was blaring inside of the house. As the night went on I too became more drunk. Drunk enough to agree to play beer pong with her.

“Come on McHottie! We are unstoppable!” She insisted in a loud slur, and I threw the next ball right into the opposing teams cup, and she cheered right along with me.

“We are unstoppable! No one will ever beat us!” I slurred right back a laugh emitting from my lips. We played round after round until the other team was on their ass. She was tipsy herself, and even though the party was raging on I knew it was time to take her up to bed. I was tipsy myself, so tipsy that we almost fell down the stairs a couple of times. She was holding me for support, but I was just as readily holding tight to her.

“Look at the pair of us! Can’t even make it up the stairs….” She slurred in a giggly fashion her hand gripping mine heavily as she guided me towards her bedroom. We opened it to a couple whom had already begun kissing on her bed.

“Out!” I snapped at them, in a slurred voice, and she giggled on my arm, and we both nearly fell over. They left the bottle of vodka they had stolen from downstairs in their haste, and I slammed the door behind them. Locking the door with a click I moved to shuffle towards the bed, trying to help her down onto it, but she laughed, and pulled me down with her, until we both crashed onto the bed in a heap of giggles, and drunkenness. I hovered over her trying to steady myself, and she sighed before she sat up, leaning against the headboard, and I shuffled to sit beside her, my own back against the headboard.

“Looks like they tried to steal some alcohol.” I pointed towards the Vodka sitting on the table, and she reached out for it, gripping it between her fingers, the red nail polish standing out against the clear glass.

“Well it’s ours now.” She teased, and unscrewed the cap, taking a long swig from the bottle.

She handed it over to me, and I took a swig as well. We both stared at the wall on the opposite side of the room for the longest time. My head was spinning as I thought about all of the times I had tried to get my sister to talk to me since Cooper had died.

“How is Belle?” Anna asked me, her eyes soft, and I realized that she had been receiving about as much conversation out of her as I had. I offered her the vodka, and she took another swig readily before tilting her head back, and leaning towards the wall a bit on her side to face me.

“The truth?” I asked her, and she nodded, offering the vodka back to me, and I readily took a swig, “I don’t know.”

“She won’t talk to you?” Anna deduced, and I shrugged my shoulders, and shook my head.

“Nope. She doesn’t let me touch her, comfort her, nothing. It’s like living with a zombie.” I tried to explain, with a shrug off my shoulders.

She furrowed her eyebrows, “You mean she shuts you out completely?” She slurred, with a lull in her tone.

I laughed half-heartedly, “Ever since the night he died, and then the disastrous funeral, yep.” I breathed out, and it wasn’t like I could blame her. She had every right to hate me. I had hurt her, fought for her at the wrong moment again. I had also stood by helplessly, and watched out son die. I wasn’t good at showing my emotions any longer. I couldn’t cry like I used to be able to. I felt things so much differently than I used to.

Touch was iffy on the best of days, and even gentle kisses were sometimes rejected, but now she was the one doing all the rejecting. My skin was numb right now, and I wished more than anything that Belle was right beside me. She had promised Anna she would go to this party, and then she had bailed on me. Again. Why did she always bail?

“Were you…back to normal? Before Cooper’s death I mean.” She asked me, and I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Normal?” I inquired slowly, the word slurring out. “What do you mean by that?”

“You know…were you sleeping with her? In that way…?” She inquired, and I felt my cheeks flame up, but a laugh escaped to try and quiet the embarrassed nerves that had begun kicking up in the center of my stomach.

“Yea…mostly every night.” I shied from her eyes, feeling like she was seeing something she wasn’t meant to, prying into pieces of me that I didn’t share with anyone else. But she was Belle’s best friend, I was surprised that Belle hadn’t told her any of this. How could she not? They used to share everything. She had told her about the initial pregnancy even though I had told her not to at the time.

“So then you work again? Down there…?” She continued to pry, and my cheeks burned red this time, and I could feel them.

“I always…worked…I just…couldn’t after, everything…in the asylum.” I tried to explain, my teeth sinking into my lower lip as I regained my breath, and she let out a low giggle.

“Oh.” She mused, and took another swig of the vodka, before I took it from her and downed even more. I was starting to feel a clenching sensation in the pit of my stomach, and my head was woozy from all of the drinking.

“Everything we are. Belle, and I. It’s wrong…that’s what keeps me back every time. Not my lower half.” I managed to breath out, my eyes downcast, “But I am what she needs, if I can fix her, then I will. Even if it’s wrong.” I cemented my words, with a low sigh, and leaned my head against the headboard.

“It’s because you are good…pure…” She slurred, and her hand reached out to rest on my arm, rubbing the skin with her thumb. “You have always taken such good care of her…”

I let out a low sigh, and I leaned into her touch, because right now my skin was practically numb from the alcohol, and from my head to my feet all I could feel was the numb sensations that the alcohol had caused to spread. It felt strange, almost like I was floating, but I kept letting it run through me, and I closed my eyes releasing a low sigh.

“Not always…there was you…” I breathed out, and opened my eyes again, and she kept rubbing my skin with her thumb, drawing close until her body was pressed to mine. It felt strange to be close to another human being. The only others whom had touched me, had violated me in the asylum. I know none of it was meant to be counted, but it did count. It had fucked me up beyond repair, and Belle had been the only one that touched me before, and since.

“She doesn’t need me…no one needs me…” Anna breathed out, a slight groan emerging from her lips, low, and barely audible as her eyes shifted away, and she topped off the rest of the vodka in the bottle.

“Not true…I need you…” I whispered, not really certain what I meant by it through my drunken haze, but it was supposed to be a comfort. Something to make her feel better, because I could see just how glum she was on the inside. My heart was racing, and the compassion I had once held in the rear of my being was starting to come forth in a manner that I hadn’t allowed it to in a long while. Belle was the only one that ever received the kinder side out of me. The side that made me love, and feel. I hadn’t given that to anyone else, but I was so wasted, so lost, and out of touch with who I was supposed to be that I couldn’t be any one thing right now.

She slid her hand up, and cupped my cheek, leaning her head in until she touched her lips to mine. I probably should have stopped her, but it felt good. Affection, kisses. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but my time in the asylum had made me dependent on pleasure. It had made me crave, and yearn to get off. I wasn’t proud of the fact that I needed to masturbate, or have an orgasm. It made me hate myself quite a bit to need such a thing. But it had been since I last laid with Belle. The night our son had died. I hadn’t touched myself, I hadn’t been able to bring myself to, even though I yearned for it. I felt as though Belle’s moods were my fault, and that I couldn’t do anything right.

I wasn’t wrong though, was I? I was twisted, and depraved, and deserved whatever grave Belle dug, and shoved me into. For that reason I returned the kiss, feeling those warm lips against my own made me react, as I had been trained to react.

I had been forced to pleasure both men, and woman in that place. How they would whisper filthy, dirty things in my ear whilst I diddled them, and then was forced to beg for my own release. That doctor had been clever if not sadistic in her ways. Addicting me on masturbation by having another masturbate me, before denying me for days. Leaving me strapped, and horny unable to touch myself. It had been torture, one of the various kinds I had been forced to endure. It was a mental torture, and not just a physical one.

Perhaps in the back of my mind I had been subconsciously punishing myself. Not touching myself, not relieving the ache. But now the ache had grown, and when I was this inebriated, this needy, I couldn’t help myself. I faded into the temptations displayed in front of me.

Her kisses were soft, and heated, much like the one’s Belle would give me, but Anna’s lips weren’t as plump, as familiar. As she pulled back, we both caught our breath, and she began to whisper softly to me. “Just tonight, yeah? Only tonight…” I was about to speak, when her hand reached out to rub me through my jeans. I felt my breath hitch in my throat, and I tried to protest.

“It’s wrong…Belle…she’s your….best friend.” I struggled to stay in control, fought as hard as I could in fact, but that part of me was trained to react.

“She hasn’t touched you in over a month…you said so yourself…you must ache, Gabriel…tell me you don’t ache, and I will stop…” She whispered into my ear, and I know that I couldn’t tell her such a thing. It wasn’t true. I ached so much that my lower half was tightening, and urging me to climb between her thighs, and have her.

“I ache…” I moaned out, “But…Anna…” I cried out, a soft throbbing beginning in my prick as Anna began to slowly undo my belt, freeing the button on my jeans, and pulling the zipper. I buried my face in the side of her neck, seeking solace in her neckline as I began to kiss it slowly, and she let out small little whimpers. Her hand slid into the waistband of my boxers, since my jeans were now wide open, and I gasped as her hand encompassed my length.

“You’re uncut?” She breathed into my ear, a slight shock in her vocals, “Christa never told me that…” She admitted in a drawn out slur, and I only grunted in response my prick already fully erected, and peaking from its foreskin.

“Yea…” I finally breathed out, before capturing her lips again. I had never let another willingly touch that piece of me, it was Belle’s, and Belle’s alone, but tonight things were fuzzy. I couldn’t tell what was happening right in front of my eyes, until I was already too far gone to fight it anymore. I had spent every second of my life fighting right from wrong. I couldn’t continue to fight, it was exhausting to say the least.

I reached my hand down out of instinct, sliding it into the waistband of her skirt, and panties before I began to lightly circle her clit with my index finger. She let out a low whimper, and her movements against my part ceased. He was taken by surprise when I touched her, and I could tell by the way her mouth hung open.

“How long has it been since someone has touched you? Huh?” I whispered in a drunken manner into her ear, “How long since a cock has been inside of you?” I slid a finger into her hole feeling how tight she was, and I was beginning to realize her entrance still had her hymen around it. Fully intact.

“Never…no one has ever touched me.” She breathed into my ear, and I felt my stomach churn again. I know that Belle had told me Anna had been the first to lose her virginity. It was a distant memory, but she had told me a long time ago.

I knew I should ask, but I was far too horny by this point. The need had taken root in the very pit of my loins, and there was no turning back now. I pulled my fingers free from her core, licking the drenched digits clean, before I leaned in to kiss her lips. How was it possible she had spent all of this time completely untouched? Had she lied to Belle? I was beginning to feel my mind going foggy however, and I knew that I couldn’t hold back now that she had unleashed the piece of me that wanted to fuck.

“You want me to be your first?” I slurred out.

“You have always been the one I want, Mchottie.” She breathed into my ear, and chills ran up my spine.

I couldn’t deny what either of us wanted. I was doing this for all of the wrong reasons, but it was undeniable. I wanted a warm body to be inside of, and she had wanted me since we were children. I had heard the way she spoke to Belle about me. Those were also some of the memories that had managed to come back.

Sliding my hands up her form it wasn’t long until I stripped her of her clothing, leaving every article in a heap on the floor. She slid her hands up next, and began to strip me. In my drunken haze I didn’t even think about the fact that my body was still laced in scars that would never go away. Not fully. I helped her discard my shirt, as well as my jeans, and boxers. Leaving us both as naked as the day we were born. It was wrong to seek comfort in my sister’s best friend in the manner that I was, but I couldn’t help it.

I was a slave to my desires, and I would give her whatever she wanted tonight, because it was her first time. I had to be gentle, it was in my nature to do as much. I spread her legs for me, and for a moment when I stared down at Anna I could almost see Belle in her. They shared the same hair color, the same soft smile. I shook it from my mind as I dipped my head, and pressed a kiss to her lips, calming her a bit, in a purposeful manner. Every second I grew more, and more intoxicated from the alcohol that was settling into my system, and my kisses grew sloppier.

“We really shouldn’t…” I muttered, but she reached down between our bodies, and gripped my prick, giving me a few firm strokes before, positioning me at her entrance.

“You need attention…your cock is so stiff...it’s throbbing in need.” She teased into my ear, and a whimper escaped from my lips, because I knew that she was right. I was throbbing in the palm of her hand, even now. I needed to be inside of someone, needed to be encompassed by the warmth. And I pumped my hips slowly into the palm of her hand.

She retracted her digits, and wrapped her legs around my waist and leaned her head up to capture my lips with hers. I was slow, and gentle as I began to guide my prick into her entrance, stretching her walls, and feeling as I tore through her hymen. She released low squeals, and dragged her fingers gently down my back as she grappled with the pain that my prick tore from her. I knew that I was larger than average, I had heard it from Belle, and I had witnessed it when I was in the asylum.

“Gentle…” She slurred into my ear, and I was. Forcing myself not to rut into her right away as she slowly adjusted to my girth as well as my length, and I let a low whimper escape from my lips, because I yearned to move. But I waited.

Then she whispered once more into my ear, “Make me yours.” She breathed, and it was an instinct, something I had heard Belle plead for me to do in the past, and I began to move. Quickly pushing myself in and out of her. Claiming her as she wished for me to do, but I was driving myself towards the long awaited edge as well. It had been too long since Belle had touched me, too long since I had been inside of another warm body. I whimpered into her ear, and began to thrust harder, without encouragement to do so. It was instinctual, because I craved her moans. Sliding my hand between her thighs, I began to circle the small bundle of nerves, as I know Belle likes, and heard light whimpers from her, as well as the moans.

I was taking what I needed from her, and she was taking what she needed from me. Every thrust I gave to her was another piece of me I had never willingly given to anyone before. I was quiet with words, but moaning, and whimpering, completely unable to cease with every thrust I gave to her. She had me wrapped around her thumb, and completely trapped under her spell, the need was heavy, and I was trapped in this moment of need, and longing.

This was the type of longing I hadn’t felt since I was in that place, and I had pleaded for a release. I had yearned for it, and needed it in a way that I couldn’t describe, not to Anna, or to anyone else. Not even Belle.

I thrust deeply into Anna, feeling her walls tightening around my prick, contracting, and fighting to push my phallus back out, but I was just as relentless as her naturally contracting muscles. I kissed her lips, and bit at them, marking her, claiming her, almost becoming something resembling an animal with her. I was making marks along her neck, and dragging my fingers down her sides, before squeezing her waist enough to form bruises. I was growing rougher now that her virginity had been taken, and she had adjusted. I was showing her the rougher side to being my lover. The side I only ever showed Belle.

“Gabriel…” She breathed out, and I moved to drag my thumb back to her clit, knowing she was close. She was going to cum for me, and even through my drunken haze I could tell that she was mere seconds away.

“Cum for me.” I demanded, in an effort I couldn’t deny, thrusting, and pushing my hips into hers, driving myself deep until at last I felt her walls squeezing my invading prick, and I gave a final thrust as we climaxed together. My breathing heavy, and quick, whilst her own was shallow, but sweat had collected on both of our skin. And I buried my face into the side of her neck, feeling my seed spill heavily into her, as I groaned in my drunken mess of a body. It was several moments before I was able to finally pull myself out of her, and move to lay beside her. The room was spinning, and I stared up at the ceiling, trying to steady it.

She moved to curve her frame into the corner of my body, tucking an arm around my waist. Even through the haze of alcohol, I knew she was content. Her breathing, and the lopsided smile were enough to know.

“I never thought…I would actually lose my virginity…..to Mchottie himself…” She whispered into my ear, and I closed my eyes.

When my conscience came back I was going to feel like shit for doing what I just had, but for tonight, my inhibitions had gone away. All I had wanted was a release, and a warm frame to lay next to me, tonight. One that would comfort me, and hold me. I had wanted Belle, but I know what I would go home to. I know what she would do.

“Was I everything you dreamed….?” I slurred in the form of a question.

“Yes.” She responded.

She moved her eyes down my frame, and for the first time since out passionate encounter it was like she was seeing my appearance for the first time as well. Taking in my skin as though it were foreign, and new. She traced the scars that littered my upper chest, stomach, sides, and abdomen. There were many cuts that had been made to my body when it was in that wretched place. “Belle wasn’t lying…they tortured you.” She whispered, and I turned my eyes away in shame.

A dizzy spell hit me however, and I couldn’t just get up, and move away. I was exhausted, and my head was spinning heavily. “Yea.” I managed, “Do I disgust you? I’m not perfect…like I once was…” I whispered drunkenly.

She slid her hand down my frame, slowly gripping my flaccid manhood, beginning to stroke her fingers along the length of me. It wasn’t aggressive, or harsh, just tender and sweet. She was playing with my skin, maybe curiously. I know it’s strange that my mother left my foreskin on. Most boys don’t have such an abnormality. She peeled the skin down, and I sucked in air, as she revealed the cuts that had been made against the skin. They were scars now, but they were dark lines, evident.

I kept my face turned away from hers, and she breathed in harshly. “This part of you too?” She questioned, and I nodded.

“Every piece of me was damaged, broken.” I clenched my eyes shut, and tears fell down my cheeks. “You can’t tell, Belle. She hasn’t seen what they did to my part…you can’t tell her…” I slurred in my drunken state, and she released my prick, letting go of it, before moving to cup my cheek with her hand.

“How much do you think we will remember tomorrow?” She slurred, and I groaned lightly.

I had to admit she was speaking the truth. I was already halfway to sleeping, and I was in such a haze I had no idea what would, and wouldn’t be remembered. I wished I could remember what we had done tonight, if only for the sake of hating myself immensely, but we could be to the point of blackout drunk. So if we didn’t remember maybe it wasn’t such a curse.

I knew my head was certainly going to kill me in the morning. I moved to pull the covers up, blocking my frame from her view, covering the both of us in the process. “I don’t know.” I admitted in recourse.

“Are you ashamed? Of letting me see you bared?” She slurred out, her thumb rubbing absently over one of my nipples, and I stared over at her.

“No.” I finally decided, and clenched my jaw, “I don’t like anyone to see me bared.”

That was a definitive truth. I also hated it when Belle laid eyes upon me when I was naked. I used to have a handsome body, but I didn’t anymore, and I knew it. My form had been destroyed in the asylum as well as my memories. The loving ones from when I was just a child, as well as the ones that reminded me of who I was. I used to be so certain, but now pieces of me were scattered all over the place, and it was difficult to tell the difference. I never would have touched Anna a few years ago, but now I was so drunk, and my morals had fled with my sobriety. I wanted to be in Belle’s arms, but I wasn’t, I was in her best friend’s. I was sick, and I knew it. I had been reminded every single day just how disgustingly twisted I was by that witch of a doctor, but if there was ever a more true moment that I believed it myself. It was this one. I believed it now more than ever, as I fell to sleep in Anna’s embrace.

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