Amidst Brokenness Memories and Impossibilities

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Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The week passed by at an exceptionally slow rate. I tried to keep my distance from my brother, allowing him some space, and I was able to pull a few strings at work, and get my brother a job as a busboy like Walter. He wasn’t in a good state right now. I was still trying to work with him on top of taking Cooper to his radiation treatments. Dr. Misuki was attempting to take care of the leukemia as aggressively as possible, and he was so sick most days that I couldn’t even wake him up in the morning for Isaiah to watch.

This morning was one of those days. I already had Cooper throwing up on me, and had to change my outfit, and Annabelle refusing to leave Eli’s bed because it was warm ( I was surprised to find her in it this morning, but I had to admit I was glad he had allowed it ) and then there was Gabe whom was being downright ornery because he felt like it.

“Isaiah will be here any minute! Now all of you be good alright?” She doubted that they would give him much of a hassle, the worst was always saved for her it would seem.

I was straightening my shirt, making certain there were no ruffles when I heard the sound of knocking. “And make sure that you do everything he tells you.” My words were received with sighs from the breakfast table.

Throwing open the door, I gave Isaiah a smile, and escorted him in. He was in online college courses that allowed for him to watch the kids each day, just like I was. He had dark skin, and brown eyes, and almost always had a smile when he greeted the kid. They adored him.

“You look stressed this morning.” He insisted, and I bit back a laugh, and shrugged my shoulders.

“Cooper is a little sick today, he had radiation yesterday. And it was apparently a surprise this morning to everyone else that they had to get out of bed!” I glanced back towards the table, and Gabe gave me a wide smile.

I had never told Isiah about the fact that the children were also my brother’s. I didn’t tell him anything about the incest scandal that had wracked through my high school at the time. I was merely thankful that he wasn’t from Maine, and knew nothing about it. I had gone through several babysitters when I was scouting that had only come because they wanted to see the ‘damaged’ children for themselves. I had promptly sent several of them away, before I landed on Isaiah whom knew nothing at all. It was refreshing, but now that Eli was home I wasn’t certain how to go about telling him about it so I had been avoiding it.

All he knew was that my brother was home from the asylum, with no inkling as to why he had been there in the first place.

“Okay.” He breathed out, and went to greet the kids.

“I just have to go get Eli, and then I will be off.” I told him. It was Eli’s first day working as a busboy today, and I knew he had to renew his license yet so since he would be having the same shift ( so I could keep an eye on him ) I volunteered to drive him. I took the stairs two at a time, and listened in at his door.

When I didn’t hear movement I opened it slowly, “Eli?”

He was on his bed head in his hands, with only half of his uniform on. The black pains he was required to wear, and the white button-down shirt was still folded where I had put it this morning on the bottom of his bed.

He didn’t answer me, and I closed the door behind me, moving to rest on the edge of the bed beside him, careful not to touch him. “What’s the matter?”

He finally pulled his head from his hands, and I could see that he was crying, he gave a sniffle, and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. “It’s nothing.” He didn’t speak to me in the same cold tone that he had been recently, but I still wasn’t certain how far I wanted to push it either.

“It must be something, Eli.” I dared to reach up, and wipe a few stray bits of his hair away from his eyes. He didn’t move, but flinched. He was getting better about touch, but he still had miles to go.

“I dreamed…about you.” He shrugged his shoulders, and I pulled my hand back in shock.

“Me…? What about me?” I finally managed to ask, my hands felt numb.

“It almost…it felt so real…like I was actually there, but I know I wasn’t…” He struggled to explain it to me, and I stood up instantly.

I remembered all those years ago when he had been in the comatose state, when he had found his way into my dreams. Weaved himself inside, and I had shared kisses that felt real, and allowed for him to weave honeysuckle into my strands of hair. It had felt as though we were actually there. I could have so much as breathed the air, and tasted the honeysuckle, it had been so realistic. Was it possible…?

“Were you in the field? Were we…?” I couldn’t finish the sentence, and he balled his hands into fists, before his eyes snapped up to mine.

A flushed tinge had taken root on his cheeks, and he allowed for another observatory glance over me before he asked. “How did you know?”

I felt my throat go dry. We had done it again. That connection. It had always before been so strong between us, and I wondered if it could bring him back. His memories. Pieces of him so that he could return to me, fully. I shoved it out of my mind. It was just a shared dream, and he seemed disturbed by it more than anything. “Because I had it too.”

“I’m not in love with you anymore.” He stood to his feet, “What I did was wrong, it was sick…so sick…” He clenched his hands harder, and stood with me. “So why did I dream about you…? Is that what you dream about? You dream about me?” He asked me, and I stared at him, numbly.

Even if he didn’t mean them too his words still stung. They felt as though a dagger was shoving through to my heart, impaling the muscle, every time he would insist that he hurt me, or did something wrong, because I knew he shouldn’t be the one standing there in confusion. It should have been me. I had pursued him even after he had insisted we couldn’t be together. I had pulled him back, and twisted his will again, and again. I was the sick one. I should be where he was.

I hadn’t been completely honest with Eli when he came back, but I realized if I ever wanted to get him to understand the impact that all of this was having on me, now was as good a time as any to let him know about it.

“Every night…” I managed to whisper, hearing the words as though they were coming from someone else’s lips, “I dream about you every night.”

He looked shocked, “Why?”

“Because losing you fucking hurt, Eli. Don’t you understand yet? You were a piece of me! You were the one I lost my virginity too, and the love of my fucking life! When you went to the asylum you ripped my heart straight out of my chest, and then you told me to go find someone else, like my heart was just something that could be boxed up, and shipped off to the highest fucking bidder! I had to get up every single day, and take care of our babies, while I was the recipient of hatred in our town because of the rumors about our babies, and what you supposedly ‘did’ to me. And on top of that I couldn’t see you, or touch you for three years, and now that you are home you don’t even remember what we had, and I can’t handle that! I can’t handle any of this! You won’t look at me, you were treated so wrong, and I couldn’t help you…I can’t help you, and you won’t let me help you! So yea I fucking dream about you. I use Walter as a cheap replacement in my bed at night for you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it?” Once I started I couldn’t stop. I kept spewing everything I had out at him until there was nothing left but my tears and broken heart between us.

“Belle…” He was shocked stiff. I could see that he didn’t know what to say, or even what to do.

He swallowed, and I turned my eyes away.

“I hate you for making me fall in love with you. Because I can’t stop now, Eli. I never will.” I refused to look him in the eyes. I couldn’t now. Not with all my shame out in front of him.

“I thought-“

“I know what you thought. You thought you were a monster, that for some reason I was pretending that you hadn’t done anything to me because you were my brother, or something. I heard it from your lips enough times, Eli.” I breathed out.

He moved to speak again, but I held up my hand, and shook my head.

“We need to go to work. Just put your shirt on, and come downstairs.” I slipped from the room, not wanting to hear anymore. I was embarrassed because of how blunt I had been with him, and I knew I was probably going to regret my own forwardness, but I could only handle so much, and I had already had a hectic morning.

I bid each of my children, and Isaiah farewell, before grabbing my keys, and heading out the door. I needed a few seconds to gather myself in the car, before Eli came to join me. When he finally stepped out of the house, I saw him tucking in his shirt, and straightening his hair, as he approached the car. As he stepped inside I gave him a once over, but said nothing. He was avoiding my eyes, and I drove us quickly to work, without a word spoken between us.

If truth be told I couldn’t wait to begin work. It was the only thing I could be certain of anymore. My children were wild cards, and I never knew what they would do next, but work remained the same. I could expect to get hit on about fifty times a day, and on the days I wore a push-up bra I received bigger tips, along with inappropriate innuendos which I choose to ignore.

Glimpsing at Eli I led him inside, and introduced him to the manager, whom was giving him a trial run. He thanked her for the opportunity, before heading into the kitchen where he was to gather the tub to collect the dirty dishes in.

“Thanks for this, Mandy. I don’t know if anyone else would have hired him.” I gave her a grateful smile, and she patted my shoulder.

“I care little for gossip, you know that.” She offered in response, and I nodded in return, before tying my apron around my waist, and began my first table of the morning.

It was a slow morning, with only about ten people passing through my section, most of them elderly couples, and single college kids. I took their orders, without incident, but my mind kept wandering back to the conversation I had had with Eli this morning. I couldn’t shake the dream this time, because it had been fueled by both of us. Finding myself distracted, I snapped out of it after a second, and politely asked my current patron which drink they required again, before scribbling it down.

Eli seemed to be doing fine bussing the tables, his face was unreadable, and he was slow, but competent at the work. I was leaning against the counter for a moment grateful for a break, and observed as he began wiping down the table with a slow caution that had me lost in thought.

I finally decided to check in on him, at least ask to see how he was doing, “You doing alright?” I hadn’t meant to sneak up on him, but he jumped half out of his skin. I must have been too quiet.

He wiped the table harder, “It’s clearing tables. Anyone can do it.” He muttered under his breath, and I nodded my head.

“Just let me know if it’s too much alright?” I was worried about him. I would always worry.

I didn’t receive an audible answer, merely saw him beginning to scrub harder, before throwing the rag into the bin, and stalking away.

I didn’t speak to him through the rest of our shift together, and even driving home he was silent as was I. Neither of us seemed to want to break that awkward silence between us, and after I pulled up the driveway he stepped out of the car, and headed into the house.

I sighed, stepping out myself, and heading inside, locking the car as I went. I was greeted by three of my four children ( Cooper must have been sleeping upstairs ), and I gave hugs and kisses to each of them in turn.

Eli was already out of sight, and I could guess he was upstairs.

“Were they good for you, Isaiah?” I asked him, he had just stood from the couch.

“As always.” He responded, “Ate their dinner, and everything.”

I expected no less from my children at this point, they were used to Isaiah. “Good.”

“Mommy, will you come play with us?” Gabe asked, and I stared up, seeing that there was a card game of ‘Go Fish’ set up on the table, and I dropped my purse near the doorway, and nodded.

“Of course I will sweetheart.”

“You can take my spot.” Isaiah offered, already beginning to pack up his things. I knew he probably wanted to get home, he usually did.

“Okay. Everyone say goodbye to Isaiah!” I insisted, and they did one by one each gave him a hug, before settling back down on the couch. With that we all began to play. I wasn’t very good at games, I never had been. In fact Eli was the one that was good at board and card games. When we were younger he would always brag when he won, to the point where I never wanted to play with him anymore.

“It was Isaiah’s turn!” Annabelle mentioned, as I sat down to play.

///

I played for over an hour with them, checking in on Cooper midway through to make certain he was alright (Bringing him water, and letting him rest ). Hope watched us fascinated with her teddy bear, whilst I let Annabelle, and Gabriel win on purpose throughout the many games.

It was nearing eight o’clock, and I started guiding them towards bed, I myself was exhausted, and wanted the luxury of a nice hot shower, and perhaps a snack, before bed. I hadn’t eaten dinner after all, but I was too tired to cook for myself.

After helping them all brush their teeth, and dress for bed I was even more drained. Once their door was closed I moved to go take that long hot, shower. I thought about Eli, and what I had said to him for a long time, until the water nearly ran cold. Once I was out, dry, and clothed; I went to check on Eli. He hadn’t emerged from his room since we had come home. I knew I must have caused him distress, and I wanted to remedy it, before it became impossible to face him at all.

Running my fingers through my beach waves, I shook my head, to loosen my hair, and finally turned the handle, opening his door. I was about to speak, when I saw him, laying across the mattress gripping his length tightly in his fist, and stroking.

I was mesmerized in an instant, hearing soft whimpers emerge from between his lips, and witnessing him so fully erect. Barging in on him in such a state made a heat begin in the pit of my stomach, and I tightened my hand on the door handle. It had been so long since I had seen him in such a compromising position, or even close to a release. It used to be my hand that pleasured him, or even the place between my thighs that warmed for him, and brought his length to climax.

I moved my hand, and the door creaked, which caused him to jump, releasing himself instantly, before looking at me in the most guilty of manners. I was embarrassed, because I would have watched him all day if I could, and he stuffed his erection back inside of his boxers.

“Belle…that wasn’t….what are you doing in here?” He was trying to sound angry, but he definitely came off as startled and humiliated more than anything.

I closed the door behind myself, chills running up my spin from my damp hair, “I came to talk to you…but. I couldn’t look away once I saw…” I felt humiliation spread through me from my admission. My heart was speeding in my chest. I could still see his erection outlined so perfectly in his boxers. I had never imagined that he still touched himself, especially when he had been hurt so often in a sexual manner.

“Belle…” He managed to speak, his voice hoarse, and I tucked an arm across my chest, holding it with the other, absently.

I edged closer to the bed without speaking a word. I didn’t trust myself to speak in this instant, and I sat down beside his form. I watched him for a long moment, where neither of us spoke. Taking in the muscles of his toned chest, his still heavy, disturbed panting. Before I reached out slowly, and dared to cup his erection between my fingers, through his boxers. “Belle!” he gripped my wrist as though to still me, but I was using only my thumb to rub the head of his erection right through the fabric. Driven by my lust for him, I wasn’t thinking straight, I never would have attempted this if I hadn’t been so filled with need for him. This was different than my dreams, Eli was here with me, and I could feel him twitch against my thumb, a low guttural moan escaping his lips from my thumb’s light brushes.

“Does my touch cause you pain?” I had to ask. Even through my lust I couldn’t have done anything more if I knew it was hurting him, ( physically or emotionally ), and I received a light whine.

“N-No…” He whispered as his grip began to loosen on my wrist, though still remained resting on it.

“Do you touch yourself often?” I had to know. I was curious.

He turned his face away from me, closing his eyes as though he were ashamed, before light words escaped his lips, “They would stroke me…get me off…I get urges now…I have to touch it.” He whispered to me so low I could barely hear him. My stomach clenched, and I knew instantly who ‘they’ were. Those that laid a hand on him. There was more than one?! Just how many had had their way with him in there? I tried to shove it from my mind, and I felt a bit of pre-cum wet his boxers.

“It’s natural. I get urges too.” I managed to speak, my thumb tracing circles around him rougher. “From the dreams…you remember the dream?” I was teasing him a bit, trying to make him forget about his pain. Remember something good.

An elongated whine left parted lips at the sound of my words. He was leaking profusely into his boxers, creating a large wet patch in them. I moved my thumb down to rub up, and down his length, and that was all it took. He spilled his seed for me, his fingers tightening again around my wrist, and a loud grunt escaping his parted lips.

I felt his seed wetting the boxers, his prick throbbing so heavily beneath the fabric, and I finally ceased rubbing him, my eyes meeting with his soft ones. He had sweat sticking his hair to his forehead, and I saw the way he was staring at me as though I was some kind of miracle worker, rather than his sister.

“Better?” I breathed out.

“They used to tease me about you…right before they forced me to cum. I did love you. Didn’t I?” He asked me softly.

“Once.” I drew my hand back, licking the seed that had seeped through his boxers, off of it. I didn’t realize just how much I had missed even the taste of his essence until this moment. The salty, warm mixture.

“Lay down with me.” The request was simple, but I found myself taken by surprise. I obliged however, and he tucked an arm around me, pulling me close until I was tucked into the nook of his neck, just like I used to be. It had been so long since I had been held by him that I was mostly just in shock from it all. “I remember this feeling. Lying next to you.”

“Do you?” I was shocked.

“Bits and pieces…” he mumbled.

“Oh.” I breathed my hand resting against his bared chest, my thumb absently flicking against his hardened nipple. How much would he allow me to touch him? Was my touch here too much? I didn’t stop, and I saw shivers rush through his form, sprouting goose bumps across his arms.

“Your love wasn’t disposable, Belle.” He spoke in a ragged, slurred voice I once again barely caught, but I found myself gaping as I stared up at him.

“What do you mean?” I managed.

“If I told you to love someone else, it’s because I wanted you to be happy…not because I believed you were disposable. I had strong feelings for you. I know that I did…I just couldn’t determine whether they were genuinely returned…or if I did all the things they said.” I was beginning to realize he was drunk, I had missed all the signs when I had come in, my eyes only staring at him after all. My senses all focused so heavily on my need that I had missed the fact that he reeked of alcohol. My eyes stared down finding a half empty vodka. I realized it had loosened him up, enough to allow my touch. Enough to allow all of this. Was I taking advantage of him? I found a light flush crossing my cheeks. I didn’t want to leave his arms so instead of commenting on his inebriated state I responded.

“I know you did. All you ever tried to do was protect me, like a big brother should. You wouldn’t have hurt me.” I admitted sheepishly.

“No. Never.” He agreed, thumb dragging loosely over my lower lip, before tracing down my neck, and between my breasts, coming to rest on my stomach, flicking the skin absently.

I began to remove his hand, knowing I couldn’t stay. This wasn’t right. I sat up, and began to inch away, but it was Eli that gripped my arm, and held it fast, “Stay.” He whispered into my ear, and shivers took root up, and down my spine. I had to say something…I couldn’t stay because I knew where it would lead, and he would regret it all. He would hate me for it.

“You’re drunk…I can’t stay.” I whispered, but he wasn’t listening, his hand trailed down between my legs, rubbing me through my skimpy pajama shorts.

“Eli.” I whimpered, and his thumb found my pleasure nub, flicking back and forth against it through the fabric. I gasped, losing my train of thought as my hips began to lurch against his thumb. I clenched tightly to the fabric of his sheets knowing I desperately needed to return to my own room, but he was making that notion damn near impossible to complete.

“I can’t stop thinking about that dream…I want to remember what it was like. To be with you. Help me remember.” I parted my thighs further for him, giving his thumb full access to my nether regions.

“Oh…” I couldn’t help myself I felt my nub throbbing, as he was pushing me over the edge in the same manner I had done to him. I was soaked for him, flushed, needy. I couldn’t deny him my body, even if he was drunk, even if he hated me in the morning, I had wished for one more night with Eli every night since he had gone. Walter’s touch was insignificant compared to his. I could barely get off when I was with him, and yet Eli could do it in seconds with a single touch.

“I want to know…what it was like…” He was slurring more profusely, but I no longer gave a damn. He had worked the same magic on me he had all those years ago when we first fell into bed together. I could deny him nothing.

I turned in his embrace, crashing my lips against his. The kiss was reciprocated, but almost at once he had me on my back, pinning me to the bed, his kisses turned almost animal; they were rough, and needy. Matching mine whenever I could reach his lips to kiss them. I felt him peeling up my shirt, and I let him, feeling kisses being planted to my belly. He had never been in control ( that he could remember ) and I knew he wanted it with me. I was giving it to him. He shed my shirt, and then my shorts in quick succession. His own soaked boxers going with them. Leaving our skin touching.

Our bared skin pressed together was exactly how I remembered it, the one thing that hadn’t been ripped away from him was his touch. His instincts. I could taste him on my lips, feel him ravaging my skin with his kisses, and rough bites. He was leaving marks everywhere but I didn’t care. He could have burned his name into my flesh, and I wouldn’t have cared.

Spreading my legs his hardened length met with my folds, sliding into me without pause as he finally took root back into the place he belonged. My walls stretched for him to an almost painful degree ( I had forgotten how well-endowed he was ) and I half-moaned, half-whimpered though I didn’t want him to stop. I never would have wished for that.

“Belle…” My name fell from his lips, and I took the opportunity to lean up, and steal a kiss, which was returned fervently. He was driving himself into me faster, and faster with each given second, and I was in bliss as I dragged my nails down his back. Yearning for his moans, wishing for him to need me the way I had needed him. I wanted to lay claim to him as fiercely as he was claiming me. Take away all of the nasty scars, and all of the pain he had endured, and leave only the marks I had given him in their wake.

He was finishing much too soon, releasing his seed inside of me, and I didn’t even care for protection. So what if he left more babies inside of me? I didn’t care right now; he had always had a way of making me reckless. No one else had that effect on me. Only Him. He collapsed on top of me, and I listened to the pounding of both of our hearts in sync. Our sweaty forms sticking together in unison with each other.

“E-Eli…” I was trembling, sensitive, and unable to move.

He finally hoisted himself up, and pulled his softening erection out of me, lying beside me he tugged me close to his form. “Don’t leave me in the night.” He breathed into my ear, and tugged up the covers. He was out mere seconds later, and I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that I never would have done that. I couldn’t have left. He was mine once more. Even if it was just for tonight.

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