“Why?” His voice is dangerously low while his grip on my hand tightens.
Because life is too long to live alone.
“Why?” He growls angrily when I don’t answer him.
Because, maybe, I was weak.
“Avery, I have asked you something.” He grabs me from my arms and turns me to him, “Answer me.” His grip on my arms painfully tightens to the point I feel it will bruise.
Because I wanted to feel something... and that something was feeling of being freed from this world.
“You promised me.” Leaving my arms, he holds my face in his palms, “You fucking promised me, you would never try to do something like this again.” His anger filled gaze locks with mine.
“You promised me.” I hold back his gaze unflinchingly, “You would never leave me.”
“I had reasons, the reasons which you know.” He yells harshly, “I wanted to protect you.”
“I had my reasons too, Alec, the reasons which you don’t know.” I smile bitterly, “Even I wanted to protect myself.”
“I was weak, Alec.” My voice just above a whisper, “The person whom I loved, with everything I had, left me and the person who means everything to me was leaving me. What was left there for me to live?” I stare at him.
When I found out Pops was dying that was just the last straw, for me. I didn’t want to be in a world where I don’t have my Pops with me. I never wished to watch him die, and see my worst nightmare coming true before my eyes, I just wanted to end my life.
I remember pressing that cold knife against my wrist and slicing it without any fear or regret then waiting for the moment where finally I would find my peace.
But what I didn’t know was that I would find my peace, not in death, but in life... the life that was breathing inside me.
Kris found me passed out in my room and she took me to the hospital. Later I discovered that I was pregnant and miraculously my baby remained unharmed... it just felt like after snatching everything from me, somebody gave me the world.
“It was the day when Avy died, and Liam’s mother was born.” I bring my wrist in front of him, as I caress the heartbeat with my finger.
His hands fall to his sides while he looks at me with an emotion which I can recognize as pain which brings a small smile on my lips.
“It’s okay.” I hold his hand momentarily and give it a reassuring squeeze, “Nothing hurts me anymore.”
“It is good, that every person who left me took away a small part of me with themselves.” Biting my lip I shrug, “Last night, I buried the remaining part of Avy along with the memories which brought nothing but tears in her eyes. Now, I am completely free of her.”
“I don’t hate you, Alec.” I admit honestly, “Because I am thankful to you. Somewhere you gave me the reason to live, you left something with me which is now my everything.” Swallowing, I hold back my emotions.
“I know your eyes always search for the Avery which you knew, but you will not find her anymore. So, don’t wish for something which you can never get, as in the end, only you will be the one who is going to be hurt.” I glance down, exhaling a small breath, “You deserve happiness, you deserve love, find someone who can give you everything which you deserve.”
“I don’t have anything to give you, what I had, I have already given you.” Raising my hands, I glance at my empty hands, hoping that he will understand nothing will come out of his stubborn wish.
The moment I lift my eyes to glance at him is the moment I find myself being engulfed in his arms.
Placing my hands, flat on his chest I try to push him. But it only makes him strengthen his hold on me, pulling me more into his chest.
While I feel like my armor crumbling down, with each passing moment, forcing me to hold my breath. As my body betraying me and relaxing in the familiar warmth against my will.
“Please, let me hold you,” He whispers, “Let me experience, how it feels to have everything that you want in your arms again.”
“How can you ask me to find someone else, when I have already found my everything in you?” He buries his face in my neck, “You brought happiness into my life, you give me my son. You loved me so much, that even after every leaving numerous scars on your heart, you filled the emptiness inside my heart. Tell me, where I can find a person who can keep their world in my hands when I deserve nothing but their hate? Nowhere, Avery, because there is only one such person and that is you.”
My hands remain on my sides as he keeps on hugging me while murmuring things that seem like some soothing and comforting words. When he doesn’t get any response from me, he releases me and steps back to look at my blank face which I have mastered perfectly all over these years.
“Can you show me the room, where I will be sleeping?” I ask him, in a steady voice, while trying to get hold of my chaotic emotions.
His jaws strained while he tries to control his emotions which are visible in his eyes in the form of moisture. It seems like he wants to say something else but he settles on a nod as he silently gestures me to follow him.
I am sorry, Alec, I hate seeing you vulnerable but even I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable.
Sleep is foreign to me, for the past few days, even if I forcefully close my eyes sleep just never comes to me. Tonight is also n different.
Alec’s words are echoing in my mind, somewhere I want to believe him. But I am too afraid to feel anything which I shouldn’t. As no matter how much I have changed but fear of losing is still inside me, I don’t think I will be able to bear this pain again.
Earlier, it was just me but now I have Liam with me to take care of. I don’t have a place of weakness in my life, because I have to think about him first. He just needs a strong mother, not a vulnerable Avery.
Turning to my side, I watch him peacefully sleeping. His innocent face calms the storm inside me, as I roam my eyes over his face wanting to engrave his face on my heart.
He is the protective shield around my heart, which does not let any pain reach my heart. He makes sure I don’t fall weak because he is my strength.
I properly tuck in Liam, making sure he is all warm and comfortable, as it turned a bit chilly after the rain, and Liam tends to fall sick when the weather changes.
Placing a gentle kiss on his head, I slip outside the room leaving the door partially open so in case he wakes up he will figure I was with him.
Walking to the kitchen, I pour myself a glass of cold water. My parched throat instantly feels better as the water goes down. Pouring another glass of water for myself, I make my way back to the room, but my steps halt just when I past Alec’s room.
His muffled scream makes me run to his room, and when I open the door I find him tossing on his bed while a pained expression etched on his sleeping face.
Another scream passes his lips that make me realize he is having some sort of nightmare. Quickly, I sitting on the edge of the bed beside him, as I wipe his sweat cover forehead with my hand.
“Alec.” I soothing call him, but my own tears choking my voice because there is so much pain present on his face that is shattering my heart, “Alec.” I gently touch his face.
I can see he is trapped somewhere in the dark corner of his memories, which is making him relive the pain.
“Come back to me.” I whisper without even realizing what I am saying, “Alec, please, come back.” Cupping his face, I caress his cheek with my thumb.
“I have got you.” Swallowing, I run my hand through his hair hoping to calm him down.
Gradually, his face relaxes while I keep talking to him.
Abruptly, his eyes snap open stopping my hand in mid-air as he tightly grips my wrist. Instantly, he pins me down harshly on the bed, holding my hands to my sides while his face carries a murderous expression.
“Avery?" A confused look passes over his features as he blinks like he is trying to clear the haze which is covering his mind.
His features soften when he realizes it is me then I witness him breaking down in front of my eyes, as his entire body shakes with tears crushing my heart in pieces.
“Shh... you are okay.” My arms wrap around him as I pull him towards me, “It was just a nightmare.”
His own hands clutch me while he cries hiding his face in my neck. “No, it was not a nightmare it was my worst memory.”
“They blew them in front of my own eyes.” He whispers, “There was nothing left of them even to bury.” He takes a ragged breath to compose himself, but more sobs leave his mouth which he tried to quieten down by pressing his face against my neck.
Tears fill my eyes, as I know he is talking about his parents. While I can also feel the rage inside wanting to make them suffer who had hurt him.
No one deserves to go through what he has faced.
“This time it was worse, I even saw you-”
“I am here, nothing has happened to me.” I cut him off even before he can complete his sentence, “You are here with me.” I rub his back trying to comfort him.
“You are here.” He leans back as he looks at my face like he is assuring himself.
My chest constricts when his tears fall on my face while he keeps staring at my face.
“Alec.” I wipe his tears, “Look at me, I am here.” I nod my head, then pulling him back in my arms I close my eyes when I feel the moisture from his eyes caressing my skin.
I don’t know what I am doing and why I am doing this, but all I know is that at this moment he needs me to hold him. And I will hold him and never let him break.