“That is why Jax refused to let me read Birdy’s background check.” I glared at Hunter who just looked at me with amusement. “Though at least your woman didn’t kill you, she looked like she was holding back though, too public for murder.” Snarling at him I took my keys and headed towards my truck. I needed to get home, see if I could bury myself in someone and forget that hurt look in Raven.
I need to forget about Raven.
I hopped into my truck and drove back to the clubhouse, my mind buzzing. Raven’s face spinning and spinning around in my head. I could see what she saw now. She protected her child from an abusive bastard and that’s one of the reasons Raven took up boxing and the Sienna. The image of a biker in a ring with Sienna must have brought back memories. Memories that she went to the other side of the country to abandon. Then I took her privacy, a sacred thing to her.
“Hi Tatt.” I glanced not looking at the woman’s face but the dark hair on her head and another with colour hair. Fuck both will do.
This is why I don’t deserve her.
It was like I was on autopilot as we reached my room letting them in as they started stripping but I wasn’t looking as I pulled my clothes off. I briefly could hear her talking but it was like I was under water.
I turned one around pushing her forward and lifting her hips up, focusing on her dark hair as I rolled the condom on and thrusted in. Thrusting in and out I felt the other one dragging her nails down me as she kissed along my body. I went in harder and harder not feeling anything but pain. Emotional pain that I wanted to numb, making me grabbed the hair and thrust harder. My hand going the one woman pushing her on the bed standing and taking her nipples in my mouth.
Not enough distraction!!!!
“Fuck I’m sorry Raven.” I said thrusting and biting a nipple. The pussy I was in did nothing to soothe my spinning head. Instead it felt like my insides were ripping up just from this.
“Raven? It’s Stacy.”
I looked up at her face seeing that it wasn’t Raven. What the fuck am I doing. Looking down I could see the woman looking back over her shoulder snapping me into the present. Stacy looked shocked and hurt too. No. This is wrong. I quickly pulled out of her backing up taking the condom off. “Out.”
Their eyes widened, Stacy putting her hand up, “Baby-”
They hesitated, which is a big mistake, stalking over to the door I flung it open, “know the rules. I want you out. It won’t happen again. OUT.”
Both of them jumped off the bed shimming their dresses on, Lilith dragging her nails against my chest before going into the hall. Stacy stopped in front of me, her hand trying to get on my chest making me grab it stopping it before contact. I have betrayed Raven enough tonight. Fuck I am not with Raven. But this is wrong.
“Whoever she is she doesn’t deserve-”
I grabbed her arm pushing her out of the door frame glaring at her, “finish that sentence and you’ll suffer. We are done. Go. Now.”
She looked at me horrified before scurrying away down the hall as I let out a sigh running a hand through my hair. The feeling in my gut only getting worse. What is going on with me. I broke Raven’s trust tonight, I could have given Sienna a flashback since I don’t know what her life was like with her father and now I was just starting to fuck some random whore with the same hair as Raven.
My parents had me to fill a hole. A hole that wasn’t filled by me so they spent their time fighting and sleeping with other people. All before they dropped their child onto other people. I am a Rider of Silence. I can kill a man hundreds of ways. I know how to tattoo someone with impeccable detail. But my mind and actions never follow what I want or don’t want with Raven.
Looking up I see Princess with arms crossed studying me.
“What?” I asked since she looks too much like her brother, “what Princess got something to say?”
Princess walked over looking at me hard, “You’re unhinged… what happened with you and Raven.”
I snorted, “nothing, I invited her daughter to the party to make up for being late, brought Raven too, thought she could use a night out and she got mad that I let Sienna in the ring against Deadpan. Who wasn’t going to hurt her and she found out I did a background check on her. Like yeah I know it was bad but still it was the thought of trying with her.”
A hand slapped against the back of my head, “what the fuck is wrong with you? Also, thanks for telling me the woman you had me do a background check is someone you’re interested in and I’d meet her.” Princess said as my hand rubbed the back of my head.
“I am getting fucking sick of people hitting the back of my head. I tried alright, and yeah it backfired.” I growled out.
Princess leaned against the side of the wall across from me, “No shit. Let’s break it down shall we brother. Raven a single mother who was abused by her husband, yeah, I read the file I read everything about everyone around here. You somehow got her to trust you around her kid. To bring her to a club family party and you let her kid in a fight with Deadpan. A big ass biker who she doesn’t know and could possibly hurt her heart and soul. Then you tell this woman who probably has a hard time trusting people that you just did a background check finding everything out about her? Do you not see how you should have known better?”
I sighed, “followed the club code. Just made sure they are safe and can now have a happy life. As I said I know it was wrong… now... Don’t I get points for trying.”
She raised her arms putting her hair up in a bun, “Nope and following club code would have been checking the file and leaving it be. You took it upon yourself to take them under your wing, your protection. Plus, I just saw which whores came out of your room, same colour hair? And by the sounds of it you kicked them out before you finished.”
My head slammed against the wall as I hit it back. “What the fuck is going on with me. I don’t know Raven, she’s someone with a past I want to understand. The way she protects her kid is just admirable. Smart. Independent. Gorgeous inside and out. I want her but at the same time I don’t know how.” I muttered not looking at Princess, I couldn’t handle her gaze that made me spill my guts.
Princess just huffed, “listen, you know me I don’t care for asking about a man’s love life but when it impacts them I do. And I can’t believe these words are about to come out of my mouth but balls the fuck up and go after her.”
“Go after her?”
She just rolled his eyes, “Tatt you haven’t been the same since you started your community service there and you know it. You have been going crazy since trying to figure out you want her but then using any excuse to fight it. Talk to her and get to know her. Don’t let your parents affect your happiness. Pretty sure Hunter and Ryker were in your shoes but they manned up facing their women sooner or later. The reason you don’t know what to do is because she isn’t a woman you can just fuck.”
I sighed running a hand down my face. Fuck what has happened this night? “Your right, I’ve been in my head for a while but she’s just too good for me. She and Sienna have been through hell what could I offer them? A reminder of the dark world of pain. Fuck I don’t know but your right, I’ll talk to her and figure it out. Get my head back on straight. Though I have no idea how I am supposed to make it up to her about that background check.”
You don’t get to decide what you deserve. Raven’s voice whispered those words. But my life is filled with the violence of the club, even with the tattoo job. Hasn’t Raven seen enough violence in her life?
Princess gave a thoughtful nod, “Give yourself more credit, at least you know a quality woman. Raven doesn’t look like a bouquet sorry flower woman. You know her past now I suggest spilling all yours so she can see what made you do it. And do it Tatt, people are over your grumpiness. Also stay away from club whores that is only going to fuck with your head particularly if they look similar to Raven. Plus, she will be less interested that you are fucking women when thinking about her. Women don’t like that. Lastly put on some fucking pants would ya, no one cares to see your junk.” She said ending her rant.
I looked down to see that in the haste to get out I didn’t put pants on. I looked at Princess with a smirk not feeling weird about it with her. “Just showing you what a true man’s size is in case you ever find yourself one.”
With that I walked back into my room grabbing a towel around my waist before calling out to her stopping her retreating form to look back to me. “Everything going okay with you? I’ve been so busy we haven’t caught up in a while.”
She shrugged scratching her arm just above her water colour computer keyboard tattoo on her inside forearm I did a few years ago, only I knowing the scars the ink hides, “just keeping busy, the usual I suppose.”
“You and Smoke?”
Princess shook her head, “there’s nothing between us how many times do I have to say that to you. I swear you boys gossip more than any school girl. There’s just a lot of hacking on my mind. Go get some sleep and figure out how to fix things with your woman.”
I gave her a lopsided smile staring at the tattoo I gave her then focused on her face, “you need anything, you tell me, right? No matter the time.”
She rolled her eyes, “I’m fine, I have Briac sibling time constantly I don’t need any more bikers watching my every move.” With that she continued on her path.
With her walking away, I closed the door thinking that she wasn’t telling the truth and I need to make some time to see how she was actually doing. Leaning against the door my hand ran through my hair with Raven popping back in my head.
Fuck Princess was right about how unhinged I have been this week. How do I fix this? I feel like a tattoo gun with loaded ink that has been dropped and is now on the floor spilling ink everywhere.
I have claimed her, now I need to go all the way through with it.