Fear to Anger
Keep your opinions to yourself about me right now.
I hate myself pretty fucking much right now too, but if I can’t protect them right now then how can I down the road. I should have listened to myself when I first got with Raven, I told myself fuck it, I’ll claim them and I will protect them. But it was someone who wanted me who came after them and I was too blind to see it. And they paid the price for it.
So, getting them out of this life was the right choice. Fuck, Raven had been beaten by her husband and I got her shot, Sienna lived in fear for years and now she feels that fear again. Yeah Stacy did it, but it was because of me. They were in that situation because of me.
I did what I had to do, so shut it, you don’t live my life so you wouldn’t understand what it’s like to see your family on the ground dying and it being your fault.
It wasn’t an easy thing to do, but it was necessary.
Rubbing the back on my neck I shook my head to try to get out my head. I walked, well slammed, into the clubhouse ignoring the confused looks of onlookers. I was not in the mood to talk to any one right now, I ripped out my own heart last night after fucking up big time, last thing I need is to talkto people about everything going on.
Heading to the other side of the clubhouse I went behind the bar grabbing a bottle of Tennessee and a glass not giving any shits.
“Fuck you doing here?” Spotter said appearing behind me looking confused instead of the usual anger he would give to someone behind his bar.
“Getting a drink, the fuck it look like?” I said trying to get away but he grabbed my arm keeping me there. “Not in the mood so fuck off.”
I shrugged him off walking past him, grabbing the betting board of Raven and tossed it in the trash. The bang of it hitting my chest but I forced myself to keep walking, reaching a booth in the corner, putting the glass down filling it with whisky then sitting down. The words Raven and I shared have been repeating over and over in my head. Me saying that ‘I don’t want to play house’ echoed the loudest and cut the worst. Hearing those words made me toss some of the amber liquid back.
Before this all went down I was fucking ready to move in, be a family with them all the way and now I was back where I started. In the MC as a bachelor though I will never touch another woman again. Raven is it for me, I know it, I just can’t be it for her.
Bringing up the whiskey I took a large gulp feeling the burn of the liquid, the pain a quick distraction.
You’re a coward Tatt. Raven’s voice echoed in my head next making me refill my glass. Thoughts of my parents came next, the feelings I had as a kid when I finally came to term that they left me like a broken truck at the scrap yard. My parents dumped me like cowards, unable to love their son or care for me at all. But I am not doing that to Raven and Sienna, I am giving them the life the deserve without me darkening it. I am showing them my love by sacrificing them, they deserve better always have.
So fine Raven maybe I am or maybe I am not a coward in your eyes. But you and you girl are safe now, safe from this world and I did what I fucking had to do. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I didn’t cowerfrom it. I wasn’t a coward okay?! I wasn’t!
“Tatt?” Amara said making me look up as she entered the clubhouse with a box of what smelled like pastries. “What are you doing here? Thought you would not be letting Raven and Sienna out of your sight for a while? I was going to drop some food off at the barn later for you three.”
Taking another sip, I looked away from her to the bottle. “Not with her anymore. Broke up.”
Someone spat out their drink. “I’m sorry what?” Birdy said making me sigh.
Here we go.
“Mhm.” I poured more into my glass and took another sip, it is going to be a long painful day and I needs something to numb me.
“Mhm? That’s all I get? How could you guys break up you were perfect together and she would totally need to you to get over everything. I don’t get it, what happened?”
“Hunter tell your woman if she wants drama to watch a fucking Spanish soap opera.” I grumbled out not amused to have the women interested in having a tell all with my life.
A soft sigh was heard as I swirled the whiskey. “Tatt? Are you okay? I don’t think we are interested in the drama just shocked. You both looked so happy.” Amara said softly making me groan again, great now I am going to be an asshole because I’m about to be a dick to the nice, emotional Luna.
“Ryker tell your woman to save the emotional stuff to dealing with you.” I said into my glass.
“Why don’t you tell them yourself and stop being a dick to our women who are just trying to be kind.” Ryker said with an edge to his voice.
I didn’t respond. I just poured more alcohol into the glass as I felt their gazes burn into my skin. Fuck it might as well get this over with.
“Broke up with Raven to keep her out of this life. Now she is safe and can be happy with someone she deserves.” I said feeling that pain of the words as I said it.
“Oh Tatt.” Amara sighed.
“YOU DID WHAT! YOU LITTLE DIPSHIT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!” Birdy shouted jumping off of Hunter’s lap.
“To protect them now leave me alone.” My head fell against the back of the chair as I closed my eyes ignoring the eyes on me still. “Seriously go find a Spanish soap opera to watch, not me.”
I could feel Birdy walking up to me making me focus on anything to keep me from lashing out to her. “You let go of the best thing that could happen to you? Something that made you so fucking happy and you break up with it? Those girls need someone like you, deserve someone like you. Why? What changed being scared that they will die and you’ll lose your new family?”
Hearing her called me ‘scared’ sent me out of my chair.
“I made a choice to protect them Birdy, I did not have some emotion buried in me that everyone keeps mentioning take control over me. Like fucking fear because of my parents. This was my choice not anyone else’s so stand the fuck down right now. My choices are not yours to openly discuss in the clubhouse.” I growled not able to handle myself.
“We all make choices from fear Tatt, Hunter almost did the same thing- “
“He did not do the same thing we are different cases. I am not being a coward like my parents or any other fucker. I am protecting her and I won’t be egotistical thinking I am the only one who can love her the way I do. I love you Birdy like my own sister but stand the fuck down with this part of my life.”
A hand grabbed my arm pulling me back to a very pissed of Hunter. “You need to back down now or I will knock you out, got it brother?”
I pushed myself off of him. “Then make sure your woman stops talking to me about Raven and mychoice.”
Turning away I grabbed the bottle and glass walking over to another corner booth that is father away from everyone and sat down, my back to the group. Like today can’t get any worse I am a dick to the Lunas, fucking great. Why can’t the whiskey numb me yet? Maybe I need to try something different.
The pain I felt no longer hurt but instead left me burning. I am fucking angry. Everything was going so fucking well with us but Stacy fucked it all up. Maybe it was better she did, showing how pathetic and weak I am to keep my family safe. Fuck maybe that’s why my parents left they knew that too, the art I can tattoo doesn’t make up for how weak I am.
Raven and Sienna deserves so much better and I am giving them that why can’t everyone else see it?
My fingers curled against the glass tightly, if Stacy was still alive I would make her death take years for what she did, what she made me give up.
Glancing up I see Hamlet came walking down the corridor into the room with a sack bag over his should and a shit eating grin that fell when he noticed the tension in the room. “Uh... I miss something?”
“Hamlet you going to do adrenaline shit?” I called over making him look to me.
“First fuck off and second what are you doing here?” He said making me groan.
“Dipshit over there broke up with Raven.” Smoke said making Hamlet look shocked but I only slammed my glass down on the table.
“Next person to talk about will get my fist don’t give a shit who it is. You going out Hamlet?” I growled needing to get away.
“Uh... Yeah. Train jumping. There’s a cargo one going by and I’ll hop on it. Then when it goes over the bridge I’ll slide the cargo door open and jump out.” Hamlet said looking at me with a shrug, “little boring but should be a ninety-foot drop so it will be something.”
I nodded drinking the rest of the whisky then putting the glass down getting up. “Let’s go.”
Hamlet cocked his head. “You want to come? You are always telling me to not do any adrenaline shit and now you want to go train jumping.”
“Glad you can hear Vice, let’s go.” I said walking past him and out into the parking lot to my bike waiting for Hamlet to come.
Settling on my bike I watched as Hamlet come over sitting on his bike. “You want to-”
I cut him of starting my bike, letting it roar over his words. No, I don’t want to talk. I want to do anything that makes me forget about me making the hardest choice I have ever made.
One I will force myself to stand by.