I massaged Godfrey’s neck, my hands moving up and down to relieve some of his tension. Glancing over my shoulder I see Sienna walking around with the feed buckets, hanging them up in the stalls for when we go bring in the horses for the night. She had been silent, the whole experience of being kidnapped was a lot for a kid, especially one who had already been through so much in her life.
“Thank you for your help Sweetie, why don’t you go inside and clean up before dinner.” I said softly as she came over giving me a hug.
“Okay mommy. Um, I know it’s Monday and supposed to be pizza night but can we do stuffed potatoes?” She asked looking up making me smile, she was the only thing that could make me smile when I felt heartbroken.
Kissing her head, I looked back at her, “sounds good sweetie, after you shower why don’t you take out all the veggies and cheese we can stuff them with.”
Sienna nodded letting go of my waist heading back to the house to get ready. With a sigh my smile fell and I turned back to Godfrey, moving to his head and lightly touching him. My thoughts drifted back to Tatt, the look on his face when he ended things, the sight of his face before I took off. It was a pipe dream.
I should have learned the first time, love tricks you into thinking everything is great before it takes it all away. I loved Tatt and he owned my heart. Then he shattered it into pieces leaving me, I could lay on the floor just wallowing if I didn’t have things to look after forcing me up. Josh had broken my body but Tatt broke my heart and that was worse.
Hearing a bike pulled up I sighed not wanting to hear from Briac again. His talk was good, putting what Tatt did in perspective as he said but still. It didn’t make the pain go away, I still feel too numb to even think about what he said. I need time, time to process what happened and what Briac said. Hearing Briac walk up behind me I sighed again leaning my head against Godfrey’s.
“Briac I’m not in the mood t-” I cut myself of turning to look at Briac but finding Tatt. He looks, well, he looks like shit. His hair was dishevelled, dark circles under his eyes and a shiner on his eye. “What are you doing here?”
He took a small step forward but stopped himself. “I need to talk to you, if you uh have a moment that is.” Tatt replied, his voice soft making every part of me want to walk over, wrap my arms around his waist for him to just hold me, “why did you think I was Briac?”
Turning I clipped the lead rope on Godfrey, taking him off the cross tie and led him into his stall, “he came here the other night to say that if you came back to let you talk and explain yourself...” Letting Godfrey into the stall I walked out looking at Tatt with crossed arms, “so talk but once you do I want you out. Make it fast I don’t want Sienna to see you right now, she is hurting and seeing you could make it worse.” My heart was breaking, shattering with every second Tatt was here but I had put up the cold heart walls again, I can’t fall apart.
I saw him flinch at my tone but I had to, I couldn’t risk him getting into my heart and break me again. I know what Briac said but I just, fuck, I don’t know.
“I should never have left Raven. I was scared that you and Sienna would get hurt. Fuck you two almost died because of me.”
“No, we almost died because of a psycho stalker who thought killing club whores would make her your Luna and that if she took Sienna you would take her to be that Luna. You weren’t responsible for that.” I said back honestly, the only clear thing about this was that it wasn’t his fault. “What was your fault was how you walked away after making us love you, after you promised us you were in it with us but then you let her win in the end.”
His scratched the back of his neck letting out a deep sigh, I could see the pain in his eyes and I forced myself to look elsewhere.
Tatt walked over to me but I put a hand up to stop him, “I was scared Raven. It was my job to protect you and Sienna and I failed. At the hospital all I saw was that you were shot. ShotRaven. Stacy could have killed you and I never even thought of her being a threat but then she went after you. She was in front of me the entire time and people warned me but still I didn’t think. Stacy also had a gun to Sienna’s side while she screamed that it was wall for me, because I didn’t love her. Then you shoot her not me, Smoke was the one to kill her so you didn’t. It was all spinning in my head. I told you I had no idea what I was doing, and I showed that again by thinking it would be safer to leave. You would be better off without me. But I can’t walk away Raven. You are tattooed on my soul.”
“Tattooed on your soul, smooth…But what you’re saying is this is an alpha male thing? You couldn’t end it so you walked away?” I asked leaning against the stall door, Godfrey’s head beside me as he watched the unfolding drama.
“I call it you being right, my parents leaving me still impacts me to this day. Making me think that I can’t protect you so why the fuck did I ever think I could be deserving of either of you. Of having a family of my own that I wouldn’t fuck up. And I lost it, couldn’t cope with it.” He gave a dry chuckle leaning against the stall door with is back, a hand dragging down his face. “It is something that I will regret for the rest of my life but I can’t live without you Raven.”
“How did you get your shiner?” I asked unable to stop myself.
“Smoke helped knock some sense into me.” He mumbled touching the bruise.
I closed my eyes taking a breath before looking back to Tatt, Briac’s and Tatt’s words spinning around in my head. My heart feeling as if someone is gripping it and squeezing. “You can’t think that you coming back here today would just fix everything, make the pain of you leaving just disappear and we can go back to what we were?” I said exhausted.
He shook his head. “No but I hope it is a start, a sign that maybe you can see that I want you, want Sienna because the only thing I said in the fight that was true, was that I don’t want to play house. I want it to be real with you girls. And I will do anything to prove it to you.”
I ran my hand through my hair, gripping the roots and pulling them a bit as I began to pace, doing something to stop myself from running to Tatt to forget him. Something that my body has been begging me to do since he walked in.
“I just. I just need to think Tatt. I let you into my heart and Sienna’s. You made a promise that you would love us and stand by us but when I needed you the most, when I needed you more than you coming to save us, you ran… I guess it is my turn to be the cowered and to just I don’t know just, God I don’t even know what to say right now.”
Tatt didn’t say anything for a moment before rubbing the back of his neck. “You don’t have to say anything. I have no right coming in here to tell you to give me one last chance after I broke my first one. You’re not being a coward just cautious which I can understand. I wanted to do what was best for you and I didn’t think it through.
I turned to see Sienna standing outside the barn with two different bags of potatoes.
“Hey little darlin’.” Tatt whispered looking at her as my heart beat against my chest, I wasn’t sure what to do and this makes it more complicated.
“You left.” She said bluntly. Oh, here she goes.
“I did, but I want to make it up. It was wrong I wanted to protect you and I went around the wrong way.”
She shuffled on her feet. “But I needed you here. Mommy needed you here. Yet you still left. I don’t get it.”
“Neither did I, I was scared about you being with the club, the dangers it brought to you so I thought leaving would give you the life you deserve. Safe and happy.”
“We had dangers before you came around making us feel safe and happy.” Sienna whispered.
Tatt nodded. “I didn’t think of that at the time but I want to make leaving up to you if I can, to prove that I was a fool, the best way I can protect you is to be with you, to love you beside you. Not from afar.” He said earnestly as I took a shaking breath trying to keep it together.
There was a long pause where no one moved. “Mom are we using purple potatoes or the brown?”
I smiled softly to her, “brown ones Hun.” She nodded and walked away my eyes cutting to Tatt seeing him flitch watching Sienna turn away from him.
“Think we both need to think.” I whispered making him look back to me, regret over his face. “It’s just been a lot for a few days, emotions are all over the place and I don’t know what...”
Tatt nodded walking over to me, putting his hand behind my neck and giving a lingering kiss on my forehead. “I love you Raven and I will prove that I will for the rest of my life.”
Before I could say anything, he let go and walked back to his bike, sliding on and rode away. I let out a shuddering breath shaking my head and went inside the house. Sienna was sitting on the counter looking at her hands.
“I miss him.” She said making me go over to her and hug her.
What is the difference between being cautious and coward? Because I don’t know anymore. Am I protecting us from more pain or I am preventing us from love and happiness from a man who has given us both by running away from him now?