Chapter 1 - Janet
How many times, Janet? How many times?!"
I remained at my desk staring while my wife Kelli questioned me with sorrowful eyes about my ongoing affair with my secretary. When I looked at her, she was still the woman I had fallen in love with twelve years ago except now her blond hair flowed longer down her back like a stream of gold, and her blue eyes even bluer now, but only because she struggled to hold back tears. One could say she’d never aged a day since I first met her. Back then she was twenty, and I was twenty-two and fresh out of law school with a chip on my shoulder the size of Texas and any woman would be lucky to be with a big shot like me or, so I thought. I never expected to meet Kelli after I lost my first case, letting some creepy pedophile back on the streets when I knew for a fact he was guilty. I sat there drinking away my sorrows and there she stood behind the bar pouring me another drink.
“Looks like you had a rough day.” The rasp in her voice caught my attention first, then those brilliant blue eyes.
The same beautiful cobalt tinted eyes that stared at me with betrayal now.
“That obvious, huh? How am I supposed to make a difference in this godforsaken world if I can’t even put a pedophile away? Law school may as well have been a waste.” I ran my fingers through my messy waves as I threw a pity party for one. But then she snorted, this flaxen haired bartender I had never met before, just stood there laughing at me as she dried a beer glass.
“You think it’s funny?”
“No. I think you sitting here downing yourself is funny. It’s one case. And I’ve seen a lot of lawyer shows and honey,” she would lean forward and grab my glass of whiskey that was only a quarter full and down it before placing it back down and continuing. “Creeps like that get caught one way or another.”
“So I say you buck the fuck up and get off your ass and keep trying. You’re too young and too hot to be an alcoholic.”
Well-shit times two.
Ever since that day, I knew she was the one for me. That she would be the woman I spent the rest of my life with and sure enough everyday I worked on my cases right there in that spot at the bar with her right there encouraging me. Motivating me. If it weren’t for her who knows whether I would have even continued being a lawyer and instead fell into some dead-end job at an insurance company with student loans up my ass.
“Baby, I don’t want to talk about—“
“How. Many. Times?”
It surprised me she even wished to discuss my infidelity. My Kelli had always been a firecracker and knowing her she would’ve already been throwing my clothes out on the street and hacking the tires of my Mercedes by now. Hell she would have done that and then asked questions later.
I rose then, my hands flat on my home desk as I grit my teeth and furrowed my brows as I sought the right words to say, but there were no right words and I could all but hear the universe laughing at me just like my Kelli had the first day we met.
“It doesn’t matter Kelli, it’s not going to happen again. You’re my wife and I love you. Shelia was just—“
“You speak her name as if you didn’t fucking moan it while you screwed her. Now just answer my question. I deserve that much Janet.”
We fell in love. She built me up, brick by brick, only to turn into my stability.
In my vows I told her I had found my forever in her, that I found my perfect woman and that I would be a moron to let her slip through my fingers. That long nights in an old bar set a stage for our first kiss and that same bar would become our home that we lived above and I would give her all the kids in the world and never stop doing everything I could to make her happy. The sex had always been amazing, like two puzzle pieces meant to fit together. We used to be so fun and carefree as our bodies met and our souls touched over and over.
“I didn’t keep track okay?! Is that what you want to hear from me?” I shouted and the regret surged instantaneously as I watched Kelli’s face twist with heartache.
“Ten years of marriage and twelve years being committed to you, and I find out you’ve been having an affair with a knock off version of me for God knows how long. Would you have ever told me?”
Is it wrong of me to say no? That I never would have told her?
“You’re too romantic for your own good baby.” My wife gushed as I lead her into the bar, the counter lined in candles and rose petals.
“I hope you know you’re tidying this all up Mrs. Tuckerson.” She teased, and I would reveal my teeth as I grinned, only to wrap my arms around her waist.
“Oh, I’ll clean after I enjoy this night with my patient wife who has been dealing with me leaving cases all over the house and sleeping on the den floor for the last month. Her hands had found their way into my brown waves as she caressed the back of my neck, her lips grazing my skin in a way that made me weak.
“As much as I miss cuddling, seeing your face after you win a case is worth it, baby.”
“How did I get so lucky?”
Instead of responding, she would join our lips in a sizzling kiss that caused me feel my heart pulse in my toes. We spent our 5th wedding anniversary making love behind the counter of her bar, and we’d wake the next morning with stray rose petals places where rose petals should never be.
Our love, a romance straight from some good and under budget lesbian film that someone might stumble upon at three in the morning when they couldn’t sleep. Love that inspired a person to want to take on their own sexuality instead of being too afraid to be who they were. We did that.
We created that beautiful world, and in a moment of vulnerability I destroyed it.
I peered down at my desk with brows furrowed, feeling her questioning eyes on me.
“Last time I checked silence is not an answer, Janet.” She glared.
“What can I say Kelli?! I tried to end things with her to keep this from ever happening."
“So you wouldn’t have ever told me?”
“I didn’t say..."
“You didn’t have to.” She would snap at me with a bitter voice.
At a loss for words, I sank down into my chair, fingers threading through my hair with frustration. Who was I kidding? I could never live with myself knowing that I had deceived her, the lies of staying late at the office, so I could find a run-down hotel to take Sheila to. This moment, no matter how long I had tried to evade it was inevitable and I would have caused my Kelli this pain regardless.
“She’s not you Kelli, I fucked up. I don’t want her. I want you.” And it was almost ironic, the sound of my pleading disguised in explanation, as tears threatened to escape from my eyes.
She said nothing then and this time I wanted her to say something. Needed her to yell, scream, anything. Our eyes met, eyes that had met so many times before, but for the first time I could not read my wife’s expression.
“Do you think our kids will like sports? You know I hate sports baby. I can’t imagine being one of those soccer moms.” Kelli groaned as she turned in my arms to face me.
Like any other morning for us, I was her big spoon while I held her naked body close to my own. I always loved seeing her blonde hair all messy when she first woke and her fingers hadn’t woven through it yet, it was like she had just stepped out of a Maybelline commercial and those pretty blues so deep like fountains of my very heart.
“If we’re lucky, they’ll like theater or will be little band geeks.” I responded with lidded eyes as I gazed down at her and pressed affectionate kisses to the tip of her nose.
“Oh god, that’s even worse.” She giggled before burying her face against my neck.
“We’ll find the perfect sperm donor baby.” I husked as I cradled her in my arms and buried my nose in her messy blonde locks.
“With any luck, he’ll look like you,” her thoughts hummed against my skin.
My nose scrunched at her words. “Does it matter if he looks like me?”
“Well no, but a girl can dream of mini Janets running around.” Her voice was dreamy, and I rolled my eyes before pinching her side.
“Ow! EW, okay no more cuddling for you ma’am.” She pulled away and pouted and all I could do was chortle out a laugh before tugging her back into my arms.
“Last time I checked you liked pain Mrs. Tuckerson.” I taunted while wiggling my brows.
“You would make this sexual you horny ass.” She continued to pout, barely masking her smile.
“How could I not with you being all naked and sexy?”
We started baby planning during the eighth year of our marriage. We had spoken about it on a whim even before our marriage but work always came first. Not to mention a young broke lawyer and fertility bills did not mix.
As much as I saw pain and betrayal in Kelli’s eyes she found it within herself to approach me. There were no words spoken now as her soul sought mine for some kind of reason something like this could happen.
“Kelli...” I rasped, but she would shake her head to keep me from speaking before putting her hands on my shoulders only to straddle my lap.
I didn’t know what to do besides sit there with a dumb look on my face and blink at the fact she even wanted to be near me, let alone touch me when only moments before she’d been on the brink of tears and yelling at me. Now she sat gazing into my eyes, as if searching for something.
Seeking something. Reason? Contrition? Hope.
“You’re an idiot.” She whispered.
Then her lips traced along my neck as her hands disappeared into my blazer, unbuttoning it during her swift movements. My body came to life for her, responding to her touch but I couldn’t understand how she could want to touch me at a time like this. Only an hour ago she received pictures sent to her from my scorned secretary of our affair, and she now kissed my neck and groped my breasts as if she’d never seen them?
“Shut up.” She murmured against my skin as she shoved off my blazer and let it drop to the floor beneath my chair.
I was the biggest fool to ever cheat on her or even think about touching another woman when I already had the perfect one. Here I was just another lawyer who fucked their secretary and thought they could get away with it and not have a conscious about it. That wasn’t me though and that would never be me because I would always come running back to Kelli and spill my heart to her no matter what the consequences. How could I have let this distance grow between us?
“Did she touch you like I do?” Kelli rasped with emotion as she clutched my white tank top and my heart would ache with regret.
“I thought we were happy...”
“We were baby.”
I could hear her scoff against my skin as she pushed my tank top up under my breasts only to drag her nails down my ribs.
“Ah...” I groaned as my head sank back and a mixture of arousal and confusion settled in within my body. Lord knows I did not deserve this kind of treatment from my wife after what I had done, but there was a thin line between her viewing me wanting to talk more as rejection and me being concerned and wanting to work through this and with my luck the first option would win.
And having sex wasn’t the healthiest way of healing what I had done.
This woman knew my weak spots as she moved her hands back up to my neck before tugging my hair out of the neat ponytail I had it in all day. My chestnut locks tumbled down my back like a stream, and she grabbed it until she was tugging my head back and began nipping at my neck with her teeth. My gasp resounded with pleasure as my body ached for more of her embrace, neck falling back to show she had full access to do what she pleased.
“She doesn’t know you like I do...” She whispered. If only she knew Sheila was so far from my mind, I had forgotten her touch.
“You’re the only one who will ever know me baby.” My voice was husky as I found the courage to reach out and let my hands roam down my wife’s back.
Her reaction to my touch startled me as she reached back for my wrists and forced my hands to my sides like they were chains she couldn’t fathom being trapped by.
“Don’t touch me.” She cautioned as she allowed those beautiful blue eyes to meet brown.
Her crystal blue orbs of water shone deep like the night sky, as if her pain and arousal were conflicting with each other. I didn’t know what to say as she began unbuttoning my slacks and kept her gaze trained on mine.
“I don’t even have to ask you why you fucked her, you know. I know why you did it but do you?” Her breath trailed over my skin, her voice gentle in juxtaposition to her piercing glare.
“I made a mistake.”
“God you love avoiding questions,” she retaliated, before rising from my lap while she yanked me up with her only to push me against the edge of my desk.
Her hips slotted against my own as she let our mouths met in a kiss that felt more like a punch in the mouth than one between two lovers. My heart pounded and ached all at once as I felt her bitterness and pain penetrate our embrace down to the way she bit my lip to the point of bleeding as she ended the kiss to speak.
“You’re always seeking acceptance. You’d think for a big bad lawyer your confidence would be higher.” She started as she forced down my slacks until they fell to my ankles and for a second I was too stunned by everything to remember to step out of them.
“You want everyone to worship you Janet. Shouldn’t your wife be enough?”
“You are—“ I struggled to interject.
“I said shut up.” She interrupted, and before I could say anything further as she pressed me against the desk her voice lower than I had ever heard it before.
Her hand slipped into my panties and a sharp intake of air would fill my lungs as I clutched the wood top of my desk. Her hand possessively cupped my sex as her mouth latched to my neck. At that moment I was at her mercy in every way. My body ignited with need and I wanted nothing more than to touch her, and to show her she was the only woman I needed. My wife did know my body which was how she knew, with no hesitation, to slip two fingers deep inside of my aching core not only catching me by pleasurable surprise, but stretching walls she had stretched a million times.
“No one fucks you like I do.” Her raspy voice would be what killed me I swear, unless she had been planning on slicing my throat after seducing me.
Her forefinger and middle finger pumped inside of my womanhood as much as they could with the awkward angle her wrist was bent inside of my panties, but she remedied that on her own by shoving down the black fabric with her free hand, until she was deeper inside of my aching sex. She knew any attention given to my neck was my Kryptonite, so it was no surprise she sucked on my skin there, no doubt leaving marks in her wake.
I gasped as my own fingers cleaved to the desk and I knew I left nail marks behind on the wooden surface. In that very moment, as much as I was uncertain about what the hell was going on, damnable desire emerged to outweigh any other emotion.
Kelli’s thumb joined in tandem as it circled my sensitive bundle of nerves which caused me to throw my head back with pleasure as my eyes threatened to escape into the back of my head. I hated that she didn’t want me to touch her, but whatever this had been was for her.
“Did she make you gasp like this?” The woman I now knew more than ever was the love of my life rasped, as her blonde hair draped over her eyes and all I could do was shake my head from side to side while I bit back a moan.
Her free hand busied itself with shifting my tank top up more along with the bralette I had been wearing until she revealed my breasts. My nipples hardened at the contact with the cool air, and she didn’t waste anytime dipping her head down to latch her mouth to my pink flesh only to suck on my left peak.
“Fuck Kelli...” It was so much stimulation at once that all I could do was moan her name and dig my nails into the desk as I imagined it was her skin.
I craved her lips on mine again and I concluded she could suck the air out of my lungs and I would accept my death. I tried to dip my head down to capture her lips as she began kissing up my neck but she grabbed my neck and laughed humorlessly.
“So greedy. Isn’t that what got us into this situation?”
As if to enforce her words she would curl her fingers inside of my sex making my knees buckle causing the throbbing desire for pressure inside of me to increase ten fold. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I grabbed her wrist, and all but expected my wife to push my clutch away but, she allowed it. With zero abandon she continued stretching my pulsating walls with her pumping fingers and as if to prove a point that I was hers she would apply pressure to my neck as she squeezed it only mildly cutting off air. There I was with my head light and foggy, and body so hot I might as well have been on the sun lost, and on the brink of absolute pleasure.
That was what Kelli’s passion felt like.
I panted as I got closer and closer to my climax her thumb plucking my clit like a violin string as if she had mastered the instrument of my body. She caught me off guard when her lips collided with my own and I swear it was like the universe had been created all over again. We crafted our very own universe by the meeting of our souls and up kept by our love, and I was reminded of just how idiotic I was to stray from her.
Years of our marriage and love all packed into one kiss between two people who met on a whim. She was my forever and I would give anything to save us.
That was when I tasted it though. The salty evidence of my Kelli’s tears as she allowed herself to cry for the first time since the confrontation began, and my heart shattered as I brought my hands to cup her face.
“Baby...” My voice was low and concerned, guilt creeping back into my chest.
“Is it because I can’t have kids?” She whispered as I used my thumbs to wipe away her tears.
“We can get a surrogate baby. This isn’t the end of the world.” The words were mean to encourage as we sat together on the floor of our bathroom, staring at what seemed like the hundredth negative pregnancy test.
“A whole year of procedures and injections and I still can’t get pregnant Janet. And a surrogate isn’t the same I want to know what it’s like to carry our child inside of me.” Kelli insisted before tossing the pregnancy test at the wall.
“Miracles happen all the time baby. We’ll just keep trying,” I’d nuzzle my face within her neck’s crook before taking her hand in mine and continuing. “We’re gonna have a baby. The most beautiful little angel and you’re going to be the most amazing mom.”
My words caused Kelli’s eyes to water, and I wasted no time reaching out to catch her tears with my fingertips. Truthfully she knew we had diminished our resources and had tried just about everything. Thousands of dollars spent on treatments to treat her endometriosis and the option of me carrying our child had come up during talks with our doctor but I could never imagine myself being pregnant.
It caused a tension on our relationship, and in moments of sadness I was the selfish one who couldn’t set aside my job to start our family. In other moments my Kelli blamed herself and felt inadequate just because she couldn’t carry our baby. Even when we were happy and smiling her infertility loomed on every moment no matter how many times I tried to tell her I would love her regardless of children or not.
“No...you know it’s not because of that baby.” My own tears began escaping from my eyes then and the need for an orgasm had vanished though my body still buzzed for her.
“I should have said yes to us having a surrogate. I just... I wanted to know what it was like.” The sound of her voice seemed to shatter as she removed her fingers from inside of my sex, and she left me empty and aching for her once again.
“I... I didn’t know how to comfort you. I didn’t know how to take your mind off it...”
“So you cheat on me? Cause that makes sense,” Kelli snapped, as she shook her head and brought her thumb to my bottom lip to drag over it.
“When the going gets tough you screw your secretary. Let me guess, she helped take your mind off me being sad, huh?” I was back to not knowing what to say as my mouth opened and closed and all Kelli could do was shake her head with disappointment.
“In my worst moments I just need you to be there for me. That is comfort enough, that has always been enough.” She whispered before tearing away from me.
I was left half naked and blinking as I watched her run her fingers through her blonde hair and begin her retreat from the den and away from me. Her touch was still all over my skin, and the places her lips had been burned for more and my womanhood throbbed and ached emptily. Sweat beaded on my forehead as I pulled my bralette and tank top back over my torso and reached for my slacks to tug them back on only to follow her.
“What does this mean?” I questioned, voice reaching out to her from the den entry way where she would stop mid step but wouldn’t turn to face me.
“It means I don’t know you like I thought I did. I thought you were the sweetest and most loyal person I had ever met and felt lucky to marry you. Lucky to have ever met you but now... I don’t know.” I could hear the heartache in her voice, the fresh feeling of betrayal returning.
“Then what was this?” I stammered because if I was confused before then I had zero idea of what was happening then.
And then there was nothing but her laugh.
A laugh that had been the birth of it all would echo through the hall now before silence loomed on us again, and she spoke one last time.
“Consider it closure.”