Self esteem versus wine
I am a little nervous, and I couldn`t even say thank you to this rude girl but maybe it`s for the best. I don`t fit in easy here and maybe I won`t see her in my life again. As I am controlling my breathing, of course, for relaxation purpose, the door is slowly opened and I just stop, I stop thinking and I stop breathing. He is not old! He looks like a model, right from a magazine. He is wonderful! I can`t believe that this gorgeous god has 2 boys and such a warm voice on the phone… until I snapped, again in one week… and my subconscious just laughs at me, my inner self is crawling on the floor, laughing! “Of course my dear self that he is not old, and has the same last name as your client! Because, he isn`t your client! You know, 2 boys… one is very hot if I may say… C`mon! Get the fucking idea!”
And again, I snapped. My client must be his father… so the lack of emotions and my self control is not stable… I am starting to breathe irregularly and my hands are shaking again. Oh my god, look at him, and that eyes…. And the smile, the smile is genuinely a smirk. And I am staring again and he just raised an eyebrow. Get over yourself Liu`!!!
“Ms. Condie I presume?” Low, baritone voice. It`s like an odd sang by angels in my ears… I must get back to reality and respond, NOW!
“Hello, yes. I am – am- actually here for the i-interview… I talked to a f-friend and he told me to be here, for an interview, lead designer. I know, I sent the CV so questions… I mean, if you have questions…” And I know I am rambling, and I know I can`t stop. Whenever I am nervous, I do this! It`s like I am drunk on words… again I am looking to find my shoes until he talks again, that voice…
“First of all, I am Mr. Crawford, Ralph Crawford, son of Clark and Marie Crawford. It`s nice meeting you Ms. Condie. I have your resume, and I have questions, but first of all, please take a glass of water and make yourself comfortable. I will start with your background. How long have you worked in interior design area?”
I have to control myself… breathe, exhale… Finally, after what it seems like hours, I can manage to answer.
“Well, after my university degree, I have started to work at the last company, I have 2 year’s experience in this area. But mostly, I have kept contact with some of the clients, listen to their needs and make sketches….” Breathe, again. Mostly because I can see his muscles contract through his shirt… and he is looking very intense at me… Those gold eyes and his black hair… Godlike, that`s for sure! “I wanted to become an interior design leader, that means I would have the opportunity to go there by myself, and to supervise the work… not only to work at the office. But I wasn`t promoted and… “ I am rambling again… I have to stop this! “And that is my experience, I don`t know if it`s enough but I am young, and I am motivated and energic and I want to prove myself”
“Ok miss, it`s ok. There is no need to be nervous. We have now a new contract with a great business in New York. It`s about the hotel business, we want to create a team for the interior design so it seems that you can be of some help…”
He is now ticking his pen while he took a seat at his office. It seems that he is deep in thought…. And I have to remind myself that I really need to get this work… because I can`t go back, and I can`t be unemployed.
“Mr. Crawford, I don`t have any references, but I can assure you that I am able to do any job you will let me. I am not begging of course but I can manage to prove myself to be very efficient, if you would just let me…. “
“Ms. Condie, we have already a team leader in design, we need an assistant for her. So, if you are willing to do exactly the same job you did previously, we are willing to take you. But, just so you know, your background is not very experienced and you are given this chance only because it seems you have captured my father attention, and he is the one who set you up to this. So, if you want to be an assistant, you should arrive here on Monday, at 8 o`clock to start work, otherwise, we won`t be needing your services.”
Of course, his father. Now I have the truth right in front of me… And although he has the perfect looks, he is so mean. I don`t have experience… but I have qualifications you know… And as it seems I need a job… so I must accept it…
“Mr. Crawford, thank you! I will gladly start working as an assistant for your leader designer. Thank you for the opportunity to make myself useful and prove myself of my worth”
“Ok miss, that`s all… you don`t have to continue talking. Monday, 8 pm sharp!”
I rise to my feet and start to the door, a little ashamed and a little nervous about his comments, but as every bad thing is getting worse, he stated my name again:
“Oh, and Ms. Condie, please upgrade your closet and throw those clothes out the windows. You will be working in a multination corporation, so you must act like it. Thank you and have a nice day!”
And with that, he opens his laptop and waits for me to leave.
After exactly 5 hours and 32 minutes since my interview I am drunk. Now, the clock is 19:32 and I am still disappointed about how that man talked to me…. And also his assistant. I hope for the best but expecting the worst.
At home, I am glad that I get to live alone, in silence. In my living room I have several plants near the windows, a large table and the general couch in front of the TV. Nothing special, but it`s mine, from my own work. I look at myself in the mirror, I don`t see anything that I like. My morals are very low now… I have an outfit prepared, thank to my dear friend, Leslie Smith…. But that’s all. One room apartment and loneliness. The script – six degrees of separation runs from the stereo, I think I haven`t reached my first step… And the I remember Paul, my ex…. Since last week.
To be clear on the situation, my self esteem is very low, and I am very emotional! My boyfriend dumped me… to be honest, we were cold anyway because after 2 years of long distance relationship, I wanted to surprise him and I caught him with another girl. I can`t say women, she looked very young. At 25 years of life, without a career and without a boyfriend, I couldn`t have great self esteem. So, wine is my best friend at the moment. I sit in my living room, drinking from the bottle. Red wine, it almost compares to good sex. I can`t have enough.
So this is me, a Scottish root girl, in L.A.. Single and with a bottle of wine. The room is spinning very fast, and my look in the mirror is very blurry. Until I fall, and I let myself in the land of dreams…