A letter to my eX.. 1
Three sessions left.
We were offically half way through.
We sat side by side, as one of only three couples left. I swallowed as the group leader walked in, asking us to join her in the centre of the room.
"Ok, three sessions left. As you know the final session is with the counsellors, which leaves today and next weeks session. Today is about moving forward. Everyone will sit down and write a letter to the other person, before giving it to them. You will then decide whether you can forgive the person for what happened or not. Either way, next weeks session will be compulsory, with the two of you spending the time you'd spend here alone sharing a favourite pastime."
"A letter?" I murmured, as I picked up the pen before me. Jason looked tired, his eyes meeting mine as he smiled sadly.
This was getting harder.
I began to write, struggling at first but then finding it begin to flow easily. I became aware of Jason watching me as I wrote, his handsome face etched in sadness as he too began to write. I was heartbroken, that was for sure, but I couldn't believe he would do that to us out of fear. I knew he was hedonistic, afraid of commitment in any capacity, but to do that to me was simply soul destroying. He could've just said he how he was feeling. Then again I was relieved he hadn't stopped loving me, or caring for me. It was simply an act of stupidity, and he had paid a high price.
It's hard to write this whilst sitting in front of you.
I began this course so filled with anger I actually thought I might bury you alive at one point. I genuinely wanted to kill you.
You see, you were my best friend. So not only have I lost my boyfriend, but I've lost my best friend. The one person I could tell anything to. When we got together we were never out of the bedroom... you promised me it wasn't just sex.
I believed you. I still do.
I know you fell in love with me, because I could see it in your eyes. The way you'd kiss me when I'd be talking nervously, your lips reassuring mine that everything was going to be ok.
That night, I tried to believe it wasn't you. How could you? As my boyfriend, but also as my best friend? I felt like you had punched me in the stomach. Can you imagine what it felt like?
Like I was no longer good enough for you. Like I didn't matter. I don't know how I managed to walk away, but somehow I did. Do you know how many pitiful looks I got? How many people said, 'I told you so'?
I felt stupid. I ended it there and then. I couldn't even speak to you. You didn't just break my heart- you broke your own. I've sat here watching you for three weeks, and you are devastated. Our families are gutted- not that it matters what people think- but to do this to me because you were terrified I was the One?
Sad news, Jason, I'm pretty sure I was your One. Or one of the Ones, whatever you believe.
I'm finding it easier to forgive you, because it think it's more a level of maturity thing than a malicious act.
You were scared.
But I need, and deserve so much more than that. I need someone who will feel lucky to be with me, to worship me the way I worship them.
I wish so much that it was you, I do.
But wishes belong in fairytales, and this is real life.
So, know that I don't hate you anymore. I still love you, but I can't let you do that to me ever again. I can't trust you.
Thank you for your honesty, however late it was.
Maybe one day, we can be friends.