Believe it or not the first time you fall in love will seriously mess you up afterwards. Nothing will ever be the same. For a while everything will remind you of them. They’re all you’ll ever think about. The pain will be unbearable, but eventually you’ll forget about them. Every now and then you’ll relapse and reminiscence of the time you guys spent together. At least that what happened for me. As a result I just locked my feelings away in a box to be dealt with another day. I put my energy into something else...sex. For a moment everything disappeared. For a moment everything was fine and the best part it was always meaningless. No strings attached. No feelings involved. That’s what I loved most about the one night stands. My name is Victoria and at the age of twenty-one, almost twenty-two, I’ve given up on love. Having your heart shattered into unfixable pieces will do that to you. I wasn’t always like this, but after the first time I just couldn’t go through that again. Lena says its a defense mechanism. I don’t deny it at all. Maybe it is. I know I don’t want to be hurt like that again and I’ll do anything to keep myself from feeling like that. Or maybe it was the fact that I wanted him and only him and I just fooling myself into believing I was over everything. At least that’s what Lena believes. Lena is my best friend and I guess she still believes in that “true love” bullshit.
That’s her pain, not mines. Her current boyfriend is no better than my ex boyfriend was. Anyways, I was about sixteen when it happened. He was everything I thought I wanted. He wasn’t scared to put me in my place and he never spared my feelings. In other words he didn’t treat me like I was fragile and I loved that. Everyone always made it seem like I was too weak for the simplest of things. He was different and I liked that. We talked about anything and everything every chance that we got. He knew about my relationships, past mistakes, regrets and vice versa. He was truly both my lover and best friend. I trusted him with everything within me. I know you’re wondering, how something so seemingly perfect not work out right? People. That’s it, people. No one wanted to see us together. No one wanted us to be together. The pointed out every flaw that they saw in us and not in the relationship. That never made any sense to me. Still doesn’t. At first we ignored them, but after saying I love you and realizing that we really meant it kind of scared us and we began to grow distant. Not to mention the stupid shit we did also. Things weren’t always this messed up, but we spiraled downwards fast with gravity leading us along.
Before our little confession, and also the day I realized just how deep my feelings for him were, he cheated on me. I didn’t find out until a week after it happen and a few days after our confession. What made it worst was the details I got from others. I mean he full blown cheated and was bragging about it. He had sex with her. I can’t begin to describe what I felt, but I knew I wanted vengeance and that was what I was going to get. About a week after we said it I wanted to hang out with a smaller group of people in a different location and away from the girl he cheated on me with. He wanted to stay there saying I was overreacting. Not wanting to argue I said fuck it and left without him. I ended up kissing his best friend. Immediately I felt bad and I wanted to be the one to tell him. I mean it didn’t mean anything I was just upset. I was hurt. That was the day things went sour. About a week after that I confessed and he admitted to cheating on me more then once. In front of him I put up a front. Acted like I wasn’t hurt. I knew he could see past it. At least I hoped he did. He apologized and I got up and left feeling my walls slowly coming down. I went home suddenly feeling sick. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my Life. For three years he was in and out of my life until we finally had sex.
He wasn’t my first, but it was the first time it meant anything to me. I was silently hoping he would leave his girlfriend and be with me after that, but I was wrong. Stupid and wrong. I fell for it. I blame myself. My feelings have been locked away tight ever since then. The one time I made love to someone instead of a quick get off broke me. He broke me. I never let those feelings out unless he somehow comes into my heart again. Which he somehow manages to do. Even then it’s momentarily and I intend to keep it that way. I don’t believe in true love anymore because of him. He changed my view on a lot of things. I don’t believe in none of that bullshit TV try to teach. No man can save me. No man can make me love them the way I loved him. No man can make me love ever again. No man has even been able to make me cum the way he did. Still sex helped to keep the thoughts of him away. This was a one time thing, you’re lucky if you get a callback and even I’m surprised if there’s a third time. No man has been able to fulfill my needs. Noted that I don’t even know how far I’m willing to go, but still. No one has pushed me over the edge. I’m lucky if they even make me drip. They all treat me like a daffodil, as if they went to rough they’ll break me. If I tell you what I want. Give it to me and don’t hold back. I wanted sweaty meaningless, hardcore, sex. I have him to thank for making me like this.
“You’re too gorgeous to be sitting here alone.” Says a well built guy who looks Puerto Rican as he sits next to me interrupting my thoughts, which I was thankful for. I smiled as I looked at him and seductively licked my bottom lip. Most nights they came to me, tonight was no exception.
“Two rules, no kissing and no caressing. This is purely physical.
Just something meaningless and nothing more. Got it? The most you’ll get is my name. If you’re good I might ask for your number. No guarantees. The most you get is three. Nothing more. If you can’t deal with this leave now and act like this never happen.”
“Straight to the point, huh?” He asked laughing. I narrowed my eyes.
“I don’t play games outside of the bedroom. I don’t date. I know what I want and what I want is sex. If you want to get your dick wet let me know. No questions asked alright.”
“Fine. Your place or mine?”
“Mines. My roommate is out.” And just liked that I had my conquest for the night. I didn’t even know his name and that made it all the better. I slid off the bar stool and downed what was left of my drink some guy had bought for me. He didn’t last. He wanted intimacy. Real intimacy that I just couldn’t give.
“How old are you?” Asked the guy causing me to roll my eyes as I buttoned up my jacket. You’d think that’ll be one of the first questions to ask when trying to pick up someone.
“I’ll be twenty-one in two hours. If you have the stamina you’ll be a birthday present. No more questions.” With that I walked away and I knew he was right behind me checking out my ass. Times like this I was glad so many pervs were around. After my blow up with my roommate and best friend Lena, this guy was what I needed. I needed to blow off steam and forget about my lost loved for awhile. No emotions for me tonight. No emotions ever again.
I played my part, moaning when he thought he was hitting the right spots and giving him the sounds I knew he wanted to hear. Truth be told I wasn’t enjoying it at all, but it was better than nothing. Once he left I’d get out my toys and finish myself off. Something that I have become accustomed too since the way things had ended with Lance. Lance was my ex-boyfriend and first love, and of course I’m thinking about him when there’s a guy penetrating my insides. From the look on his face I could tell he was close to orgasm and I wasn’t even close to being close to mines. I just ready for this to be over with. He wasn’t the one I wanted to be doing this with, but it was already too late to take it back.
“Yes baby. Right there, right there.” I moaned out. I was getting good at faking it. I could tell from the way he had sped up.
“I’m cumming.” he moaned and sped up even more. He was like a jackhammer, just trying to get the job done, not caring for the things surrounding him. It wasn’t that long before I felt him burst his load into the condom. I had to refrain from making a face of disgust and kicking him out. “That’s was good.” he breathed placing small kisses on my chest. I tried, and failed miserably, to keep myself from cringing. First rule broken and that was all I needed to kick his weak stroke ass out of my house.
“I said no kissing. You bust your nut, you can leave.” I practically spat. I wanted him nowhere near me. Right now I just wanted to be left alone. Left alone to my thoughts and bitterness. He just shrugged and stood to put on his clothes. I never got his name nor his number, was easier for me to be less than detached that way. Besides I didn’t want his ass coming back ever again. I just wanted to be alone in my room with the lights off and my phone on silent. Away from all electronics, apps and social media with the door locked. Truly isolated from the outside world. I didn’t bother to let my special guest out as he left my room and he didn’t ask either. I knew Lena was here, I heard her squeak of surprise after seeing a total stranger in our apartment.
I definitely didn’t want to deal with her. Not tonight, not at all.
Not when I was being forced to deal with him again.
It was like even though I shouldn’t miss him, I did. I missed how we used to be. How we were able to talk to each other like we were the best of friends. I missed how he made me laugh, how he tried his hardest to make me smile whenever I was feeling down. I missed us. I missed the way he made me feel instead. I missed all the little flutters in my heart that he gave me. I miss him more than I could put into words and still make sense. I just missed him and there wasn’t a simpler way to put it.
I missed the tingles that I got every single time I saw him and how he’d just smile at me. I miss the shivers I got whenever we hugged. I missed the way he would lift me up onto the tip of my toes as he leaned down to kiss me. My personal favorites was the piggybacks he gave me when he walked me home; and the sweet little nothings he use to whisper in my ear each chance that he got. I missed our heated and passionate make-out sessions when no one was around. The way he held me as he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away my tears as gently as he could. The way he smelled and how he could make me feel better with a simple forehead kiss and a tight hug.
I miss how he use to call me every night before we went to sleep just to say that he wanted my voice to be the last voice that he heard. Something about how my voice helped him to dream of me. I missed so much about him, but I hated just as much.
I hated how he listened to others without talking to me about it first. Maybe things would’ve been different if he had come to talk to me first. I had never lied to him before and I still wouldn’t. I couldn’t even if I tried. I hated how he broke the trust we had and ruined everything. He betrayed me and let her come between what he had. I blame the both of them, but I will always blame him more. Still they’re both at fault. She knew about me and only did it to get back at me. For whatever reason she hated me. I fixed that easily and left her outside looking how I felt on on the inside. Battered and Bruised. I hate him for making me fall so deeply in love with him only to turn around and break me like he had dropped a glass shattering me into a million of pieces. Before I knew it I was balled up in a fetal position under my covers, my pillow wet with the same tears that stained my cheeks. I wanted him and him only, but he didn’t want me anymore. I realize that he never wanted me the way I wanted him. I understand that he couldn’t love with me with the same kind of intensity I wanted him to.
I really wanted him to want and love me. To want to spend the rest of his life with me. To be high school sweethearts that stayed together, got engaged then married. To have three kids, a house with a black picket fence and black shutters and to have a little dog named Sir Barks A Lot. I wanted him to be the husband that wanted to try fun recipes on the weekend when the kids are gone and there’s nothing to do because it’s all done. To be the husband willing to spend a lazy day with me and not complain. Someone to watch all my favorite movies with and because he likes them too. I wanted so much for us, but I all I got was lies and deceit.
I got cheated on and brushed to the side. I got yelled at and dumped. I stooped down to his level and kissed his best-friend. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel what he made me feel. I wanted understanding and consideration. What I wanted though was nothing more than a fantasy and reality slapped me hard in the face. I was forced to see the truth no matter how much I didn’t want to.
I was screaming into my pillow as Lena banged on my door begging me to let her in. I was still mad at her, I understood that we had no choice, but still.
Yes we were in need of a third roommate since Ryan moved out to make rent. Yes only one person showed up within the week, so they were pretty much guaranteed the room. That one person was Lance. Although I never agreed to it, I had no choice. He was moving in tomorrow.
Happy fucking birthday to me.
My face hurt to the point that I didn’t even want to open my eyes. I felt puffy and I didn’t want to be bothered. I knew Lena would be in here as soon as Lance got here to wake me up and try to get me out of the bed. She should know that it won’t work, but she didn’t really understand. It was like she enjoyed seeing me falter and break under his gaze or wanting to cry just by being in his presence. What I needed was to keep secluded. To be somewhere away from him. To be able to get in the right state of mind before allowing myself to approach him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be around anyone, especially not him. I wanted to be to myself, by myself and myself only. He would understand that, but I knew she would still try to force it. I heard a knock on my door and was quick to pull the covers over my face pretending to still be sleep.
“What are you doing Lance? I specifically just told you that she was still sleeping.” Lena whispered yelled. She was pissed and I didn’t even have to look at her face to know that. I knew who it was that she was talking too. It was just something about him that got deep under her skin. She hated him with a brutal force and made sure he knew it every time they were around each other.
“For fucksakes Lena spare me just this once please. This is the closest I will be able to get to her until she wakes up. Let me have it. I think she hates me even more than you do.” He sounded broken and tired. I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that he was wrong, but I had to be strong. I had to move on from him, roommate or not. I couldn’t allow him to have me falling back into the same routines and habits.
“Lance, why did you really come to us? I know for a fact you and Brad were doing perfectly fine.”
“Yeah we were, but I never really forgave him for what went down between them. Yesterday he told me they had sex. I don’t know if that’s true, but something in me broke from the thought.” Something seemed off about their conversation, but i paid no mind to it and just kept my eyes closed shut.
“What are you saying Lance?” Lena snapped and I wanted to smack her. He was finally confessing to some type of emotion for me and she was losing it. Yeah, they think I’m asleep and all, but this was something I needed to hear just for the sake of my mental stability.
“I-I-I miss her Lena. I miss her so much that I can’t even know how to comprehend it. I’ve never miss someone like this before. I can’t forget her and trust me I’ve tried.”
“It’s been months Lance. You really need to move on and forget about her already.” What?! No! “You’re only making it worse on yourself. She’s made herself clear.” Why was she discouraging him? What the hell?
“Aren’t you listening? Tell me Lena, how do you get over someone that is your everything?” I felt as he began to stroke my hair in slow, fluid motions. I had to stop myself from shivering at the now foreign contact as tears began to fill my eyes. His everything? “How do you get over someone who doesn’t even know that they held your heart in their hands? How do you get over someone that’s just as stubborn as you are and won’t forgive you for the mistakes you made? Please Lena, please tell me how to and I will do it in a heartbeat. I don’t like feeling like this knowing there’s nothing I can do about it.” Tears were silently rolling down my cheeks as I listened to his words. Words that he never said to me. Feelings that he never expressed no matter how much I begged for it.
“If you really cared about her Lance, you would just do it. You would move on and you wouldn’t look back. You need to let her get over you. You owe her at least that much.” Was all she said before I heard her footsteps descend down the hallway. Something was definitely off about her. She sounded like he had done HER wrong instead of me. Lance sighed before I felt his lips kiss the top of my head.
“Happy birthday Sweetheart. I still love you and probably always will.” My heart stopped as all thoughts of Lena’s weirdness left my mind. I heard as his footsteps also left the room before hearing a door slam. The way our apartment was designed as soon as you step in there’s a small hallway where we put our shoes and coats when it storms. From the small hallway there’s the living room filled with two blacks couches, two red recliners, a dark blue secluded couch chair meant for one, a small oval-ish mahogany coffee table, a 62″ flat screen tv and random pictures of animals. Through the door to the right is the kitchen. We were actually able to paint the place as we pleased(the landlord is related to Lena). The walls were a mixture of a deep burgundy, beige, white and black painted on in diamond shapes. We had a table a little off to the right of the kitchen that was also an oval-ish mahogany table. Our apartment held two bathrooms and three bedrooms. Lena’s room and one of the bathrooms was on the left of the hallway, whereas mines and the other bathroom was on the right. In the dead center at the end of the hallway was now Lance’s bedroom. I sighed, now I was going to have to tread lightly in my own house and that wasn’t something I was looking forward too. I waited a few more minutes to hear any signs of life, but the only thing I heard was the sound of Lena rummaging around in the kitchen. Standing up I stretched and smiled at the satisfying sound of my limbs popping. Today was my birthday. Today I turned twenty-one and so many things were now at my fingertips. Today was going to be a good day. I was going to make sure of it. Grabbing my shower cap and a dry-off towel I headed to the bathroom, stopping to get a clean face towel out of the closet.
I don’t know how long I was in the shower for, and I kinda don’t care if I used most of the hot water. I felt like I was truly experiencing something therapeutic as the hot water cascaded down on my body. A kind of out of body experience as the smell of vanilla body wash wafted through the air. Once I was done I stepped out the shower and wrapped myself in my towel before heading back to my room. With my luck Lance was coming out of his room at the exact same time. Instantly the smell of his cologne, one that always been my favorite on him, invaded my nostrils. A brief moment of awkwardness passed through us as I stood here basically naked remembering all those times that his cologne got on me from how long we stood there kissing .
“Um...hey Tori.” he spoke breaking the awkward silence between us.
“Hey Lance.” More silence. “So...um, when did you officially move in?” I mumbled embarrassed to be caught so open.
“Oh, um this morning while you were still sleeping.”
“Oh, well it’s good to see you.”
“Yeah..um, you too.” I sighed pleading with myself not to cry again. Where was the Lance that was talking to Lena in my room earlier. That Lance was so similar to the Lance I had fallen in love with, he was suddenly gone and I hated it. I had just opened my door when he called my name. I turned towards him with hope in my heart. Was he finally going to open up to me? “Happy birthday.” was all he said as my hopes and emotions came crashing down on me. Washing over me and drowning me in the waves.
“Um...thank you.” I replied before closing my door and sliding down it as tears stained my cheeks. All this crying wasn’t me, but whenever Lance was involved I was never myself.