“Hey! Over here!” I waved to Linda as she walked into the cafe. I couldn’t wait for our lunch, “I have so much to tell you,” I said excitedly.
“Me too,” she said and sat down. “Sorry I’m late, my tennis match ran late, but we won,” she smiled.
“We as in, you and Mr. Goatee?” I asked, but knew all too well the answer was definitely, yes.
“Yes,” she slurred a bit annoyed with me, “his name is Haverdo.”
I call him Mr. Goatee because of his facial hair. It still surprises me that after twenty five years of knowing my best friend, how much she has changed since her divorce, but she is happy and that’s all that really matters to me. Maybe, if I’m honest with my inner self, I’m a bit jealous of her in some ways. I sat and listened to her update me on Haverdo’s latest career adventures.
“Are you even listening to me?” Linda snapped at me.
“I am, but you know how I feel about him. I’m sorry, I will try to bite my tongue for the rest of this conversation. I’m listening.” Only I wasn’t whole heartedly. I have told Linda several times that I believe Haverdo is only with her for her money. We have been known to cross the line of honesty with each other, many times, but that’s what makes us best friends. There’s no one else I could ever be one hundred percent honest with about anything in my life. If I need the truth, weather I want to hear it or not, she will tell me and I will do the same for her.
“Yeah...hmmm ...I’m sure,” I shook my head and tried my best to keep my mouth shut. As soon as I had an opening I interrupted, “So, I’m applying for jobs and put you down as a professional reference from when we did the Girl Scouts together,” I said.
“Ok, sure. It seems like such a lifetime ago right? What was it thirteen years the girls and us did scouts?”
“Yeah, life seemed so much simpler to me then. You know...we were busy raising the kids, had our husbands and houses. Maybe we just didn’t have time to think about wanting changes,” I complained.
“I always wanted changes and finally did something about it. I’m not sorry I’m divorced Jerry, you know that. It’s the best thing I could have done for myself. All those years of lunches wasted on talking about him, I should have done it sooner.”
“I disagree, I think it’s better you waited until the kids were grown. He gave you a good life, overall Linda,” I said sarcastically. I always promoted they tried to work things out with each other.
“So, are you ready to make the move yourself yet? I’m sure Haverdo has a friend...just think... exciting sex, no more trying to make things work with Pete.”
“Stop, you know I will never leave him, I do love him. I’m proud that we have made it for the long haul. It’s just a down cycle...again. If you stay with Haverdo long enough you’ll start having down cycles too.”
“Maybe, but then I can just move on to the next one and start all over again and have excitement. I am done living dull, boring, and making excuses for what I deserve,” she said matter of factly.
“Let’s just agree to disagree, and move on,” I suggested.
She said, “You know I love you friend, I want you to be as happy as me. I know it’s scary…”
I interrupted, “I’m not unhappy, just bored. I just need to find a job that excites me. Who’d have ever thought one of us would say that?” We laughed together knowing that over the years we were both in fact very lucky to have been able to stay home and raise our kids. We were the volunteers at the school, the girl scout leaders, the carpool drivers, the chaperones, the wifes and mothers. Now though, life was changing, our kids were moving on with their lives and our husbands had long ago forgotten to pay the attention to us, we so desperately wanted.
“I’m sorry, you’re right Carla. Your and Pete’s relationship has always been different than mine and Jerry’s. You will get past this phase too and start an up cycle again.”
“Yeah, you’re right, we will. I am really excited about getting a job. I can’t believe I’m even applying for full time positions. I figure, why not? If I’m going to work, I want to make a lot of money and help the girls pay off their student loans. Hopefully, soon we will have a wedding to plan and grandkids!” I shrugged my shoulders in anticipation of not knowing when these things would in fact happen. I have been waiting and waiting for what seems like forever.
“Me too, I want to be a young grandma!” Linda said.
“I know, I had a five year old by Natalies age,” I said disappointed.
“So, has Pete tried getting any purple pills yet?” Linda whispered to me.
“No, he’s never gonna, he’s just too worried about the side effects, but I’m too young to never have sex again!” I whispered back. “I mean, yeah he can still get me to have an orgasm, but I still miss intercourse.”
“At least he can get you to have one, Jerry never could do it for me.” Linda said, with anger still in her voice whenever she spoke of her ex-husband.
“Ok, spill it, did you and Haverdo have sex last week?” I said like a teenager.
“Oh yeah!” she giggled. “I have missed orgasms for sure!” she went on, “twenty damn years wasted having crappy sex, thank God I got my kids out of that marraige,” she said still resentful.
The waitress brought our check, we paid and left. Outside in the parking lot Linda said, “What’s on your agenda for the rest of the day?”
“Ummm...I was thinking of stopping by that adult store...maybe find something new to spruce things up for us tonight? Want to come?”
“Nope, I don’t need anything, I will be having Haverdo tonight,” she mocked me, smiled and got in her car.
As I walked to my car, I shouted, “Well maybe Pete should speak to Haverdo and explain how to give you multiples!” I smiled and yelled to her across the parking lot, and then wished I hadn’t, I seen several ladies look at me in disgust. I’d forgotten we weren’t alone anymore. Linda saw and laughed from her car. I love her like the sister I never had.
I entered the adult store, embarrassed. I think I would probably die if I ran into anyone I knew here. I’d only been once before a few years back when Pete and I got adventurous and explored with a vibrator. This time, I was looking for function, not experimentation. I wanted intercourse one way or another. At least Pete was still up for anything sexualy, besides pills. As I looked up and down the aisles at the unbelievably sized options, I was quite tempted. Pete was average and I supposed our new friend should be average as well, for his sake. I grabbed one and quickly went to the register.
Next, I ran a few errands and then eventually swung by the grocery store to pick up a few things, including a bottle of wine for me. Pete would have beer for himself for sure. He seemed to be drinking constantly now that he was retired. I’m torn with my feelings about his drinking. I know it’s not good for him physically to drink so much beer, but I think I enjoy him more when he has had a few. He is so much more fun to be with, he laughs, jokes, and is much more attentive to me, until of course, he is drunk. Then, I don’t really care to be around him, he is getting sloppy and it is not attractive whatsoever. Hopefully, this cycle will end soon too.
I have always been a positive person and I’m trying really hard to remind myself of the wonderful things Pete and I have shared over our lifetime together. Of course, my two girls, they are my world, always have been and I wouldn’t change a second of it. I am grateful to Pete for giving us a great life, he has always worked hard for us. He is a good husband and father overall. We are just going through the normal cycles of being married for so long, as I remember our twenty five year anniversary is coming soon.
“Hey hun,” I said as I entered the house, “can you grab the rest of the bags?” I ran for the bathroom, needing to pee desperately.
“Sure,” he said, without looking up from his computer.
As he came in carrying a few bags, he said, “Did you get anything special at the store?”
“Not really, what do you feel like for dinner? I got steak or chicken,” I said as I put things away.
“I guess we should have this,” he said and pulled out the plastic toy from behind his back, he grinned.
I laughed, “You weren’t supposed to see that until later.”
“Now’s good,” he teased as he pulled my arm and led me to the bedroom. He rushed with excitement to get himself undressed as I did the same. I wondered to myself if Linda and Haverdo undressed themselves? Do most married people undress themselves? A lifetime ago, we didn’t. My thoughts were interrupted by Pete’s voice, “So you want me to just put it in?”
Well, that is not helping to set the mood, I thought to myself, I don’t want to give him exact instructions it’s bad enough I had to go buy it myself. “I mean, you should wait a little,” I said annoyed.
“Ok, well let me know,” he said and kissed me.
“I’m not going to let you know...you can tell when, nevermind,” I kissed him and began feeling anxious. I so wanted this to go well, I wanted to feel close to him again. I’m so tired of being the one to put all the effort in. I have always wanted sex more than he has, throughout our whole relationship. I used to tease that he was the ‘girl’ in our sexual relationship because he couldn’t do it, if we were fighting. I could always separate the two emotions.
Shortly after, I felt the hard plastic as he pushed it into me, it hurt, I was too dry and not at all ready. I tried to ignore it when I heard him laugh a little, “feel good?”
“No, not really,” I pulled away.
“What?” he said dumbfounded.
“Really?” I was aggravated, he knew better. He is sixty years old and has been having sex with me for over half of his life. If he took the time to pay any attention to my needs, he would know, I was not near ready for penetration. Does he even care what I need anymore?
“Just forget it,” I said disappointed, but continued to lay there naked.
He rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, I could see he wasn’t hard anymore. I sighed out loud, I wanted him to take the lead. I waited impatiently.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“I guess,” I replied emotionless.
He got up, dressed and said, “Let’s do the steak, I will light the grill.”
I started to fill up as he left the room, but then got angry instead. I dressed and started to set the table for dinner when I heard my phone ring. It was my oldest daughter, Natalie. She was sure to change my mood. We chatted for a bit, Pete came in with the steaks, I said goodbye, we ate as we discussed the kids, lunch with Linda, and his excursions throughout the day. Afterwards, was like any other night, I sat and watched TV, he sat on his computer and we had slight conversation about the news or a TV show.
My choices were to start an argument about not having sex, again, or to discuss the fact that he was drinking even before dinner, again, or to say nothing at all. I chose the latter, again.