Both Tommy and Zyon are asleep on the couch, it's a miracle I even got them to lay down. Their hyper-aware the guys aren't here or coming back within hours, this means that both are stressing themselves with worrying.
They don't want to sleep when Seàn and Lewis are gone, they want to be awake if they come back and walk through the elevator.
I understand and I wish I could do more to calm them down and reassure them, but I can only do so much. I'm worrying myself and having to reassure myself because I need to be there for them, I need to be their anchor.
It's only been a day now, the sun is setting currently, and I can already tell I won't be able to handle two distressed submissives without another dominant or someone.
My adrenaline has been on high throughout the day, the stress of finding out Seàn and Lewis are missing, dealing with the law and having to care for Zyon and Tommy. I don't mind obviously, just everything is building onto my stress and adrenaline, I know I'm going to crash and I can't let that happen.
I know Tommy would understand because he's experienced in the community, he knows dominants can't completely fix everything no matter how hard we try and want to, and that we aren't superhuman.
But Zyon doesn't realize this. He only knows that we protect him and care for him, he probably thinks we're his superheroes and that we fix everything. He doesn't fully understand that we can't, and it kills me because I want to be that for him.
It's just..I'm physically unable to do that. I can't magically bring back Seàn or Lewis, I can't reassure him that they'll be home safe and sound when I don't know that.
I can't crash in front of him and worry him even more, he's already scared and me just passing out would worsen that. I need someone here with us, to help me with them and to monitor me. To explain to Zyon why I had, if it happens, randomly passed out.
I can only call Robert, Zyon would be able to handle another new person while he's so vulnerable. He knows Robert and he's with Tommy, he's had enough time to get used to both of them to handle Robert staying here.
Some dominants would call me weak, those that believe dominants need to do everything and handle everything like a superhuman— they exist, I've met them. No, I'm not weak. I'm prepared.
I understand that my sub, official or not, is used to two dominants around him. He's used to having Seàn around and having that extra feeling of protection and safety. Seàn was the only person he had ever known before me, Zyon is very sensitive and has needs I alone can't complete.
Zyon needs the two of us. Unfortunately, for the foreseeable future, I'm the only one he'll have. Which is why I need to have Robert here, he can help distract and care for both my boy and Tommy. He'll also be able to demand I rest when I need to, so I'll be able to do my job better; caring for Zyon.
I haven't been able to call him today as it's been crazy, and I know I'll get in trouble for not calling him immediately. But I'll have to face my punishment, anything is better than seeing these boys suffer the loss of their dominants and knowing said dominants are in some unknown location dealing with who knows what.
I'm pacing in the kitchen, as my body needs to move or I'll end up shaking and eventually shouting out my worry and stress. My arms are crossed with my right hand to my ear as the phone rings for the third time.
"What." Robert's voice makes me wince, clipped and cold. I probably interrupted something.
"Bert, I need—"
"This better be important. You interrupted Drag Race."
I sigh through my nose in an attempt to calm myself before I snap at him, I'm not in the mood for this. "Seàn is missing."
There's a pregnant pause then I hear the background noise of the show disappear. "You're serious?"
I nod even though he can't see me. "He was here this morning, leaving for work— then, then Tommy calls and he's crying and saying Lewis hasn't called—"
I have to pause because it feels like everything is finally setting in. I've been so focused on Zyon and Tommy that I haven't gotten time to process that Seàn is actually gone. That he won't be back for a while. That I might, we might never see him again.
It dawns on me that I've actually grown accustomed to him, I really like him. I consider him my partner, just like Zyon, official or not. And it hurts.
"Axy?" Robert's soft tone is buried in concern, bringing me back to the conversation.
"They never made it to work. They're, he's, gone." My voice cracks and it surprises me, even more, when I feel wetness on my eyes and cheeks. I haven't cried in years.
Robert is quiet for a minute before I hear him suck in a deep breath. "I'm on my way. I'll be there for you guys. We'll find him, Axel. Try to calm down, make some tea, whatever you think would help."
I made tea like Robert suggested after he hung up, it only helped slightly. I'm able to sit down at the kitchen counter without shaking, but I'm still very much stressed and strung tight.
The boys haven't woke up and I'm grateful for it, they need their rest as they've had a horribly stressful day. I'm planning on sleeping as soon as Robert gets here, if my body allows that, so he'll be here to deal with the boys if I haven't woke up when they do.
I'm just hoping that both of us will be enough to keep Zyon and Tommy calm. Both of them have significantly opposite needs; Tommy absolutely needs a strict hand and more domineering presence than I've been accustomed to be in with my sub's.
From what Seàn told me about him, he can't productively function without handing his control to Lewis. Meaning he's far more than comfortable in having someone tell him what to do rather than be asked what he wants.
He's used to Lewis controlling his life and he prefers that, he wants that. I'm not Lewis, I'm not his Master. I can't give him that, but I can provide some of his needs. Hopefully, it should enough until our men return.
Zyon, on the other hand, doesn't fully understand what he needs himself as he's still discovering what he likes. He's more comfortable with me holding him or even feeding him, he understands I control his care. But, I just can't comfort him as I did with Tommy— putting him on his knees to remind him of Lewis.
No, that would only succeed in freaking him out. He needs more gentle touching and speaking, reassurances. He responds better with soft tones and a gentle pushing into giving up control. He needs to understand what he's giving up to us before he agrees, if he ever does agree, it seems very possible he'll be similar to Tommy.
Only he'll believe he's in trouble if we go along like Lewis is with Tommy, he'll want soft yet firm touches. Sadly, we haven't exactly discovered everything he enjoys, so his needs are still mostly based on actions I've observed.
Robert would be able to explain and answer anything Zyon asks when I deal with Tommy, I know he'll be curious why I'm acting meaner towards his new friend. Robert will correct his view on that, I'm confident Zyon will understand just a little more about how bdsm relationships work.
I flinch at the hand that lands on my shoulder and turn quickly, only being met with Robert's concerned eyes. I blink, not sure how long he's been here.
"I've been calling you for a while now, I got here like five minutes ago." he informs me, knowing me enough to realize I was stuck in my head to basically block out the world.
He sits next to me at the counter allowing me to see he's only in his pink short shorts and a purple tank top with his bunny slippers, I also notice the small suitcase he has behind him.
"Thanks for coming." Slips out even if I know I don't need to thank him, he's always been there for me and vise versa.
"Don't thank me. I knew you would need help when you told me what happened. Tommy will take the most time to deal with, meaning Zyon would be alone. You wouldn't leave him like that, I'm happy to help."
I merely nod because he's right, and I can't find words anyway. I still feel so wrung tight and bottled up, my finger is quietly tapping the cup of tea on the counter in an attempt to calm myself down and relax for even a minute.
I nod once with a slight hum of acknowledgment, only to be pulled into a tight hug from Robert. I don't hesitant to return it just as tightly, burying my head in his neck as he rubs my back.
"It's okay. Don't hold it in, if you feel you need to, go ahead."
My eyes instantly water and I cry silently in frustration and stress, and sadness.
"They'll come home. Seàn will be fine."