TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains violent/mature scenes. My biggest priority will always be the mental wellbeing of my readers! Please, if you struggle with self-harm, I suggest you skip past the flashback and just read after it. I love you guys! Also, if you find yourself in a hard place and need someone to talk to, just shoot me a message <3
“XAVIER, OPEN UP! Your mom let me in. I’ve tried calling you like five times. Are you good?”
I hear dion knocking on the bathroom door that’s connected to my room, but no ounce of me can move my body. There’s blood surrounding me on the floor, the stinging on my skin being the only thing keeping me from falling asleep. The pain hurts but feels good at the same time. I deserve to feel this way.
I’m sure everyone will be fine if I’m gone, right? My dad hardly speaks to me, my mom cries every single day. I’m a failure. I never should have made it out alive to begin with.
“Xavier.” Dion pounds on the door. “Don’t make me pick this lock, man. You know I will. Open up.”
The handle jiggles a couple of times, but I still sit on the floor. I don’t think I could really get up if I tried. I’m so weak.
I thought I’d be afraid of dying, I thought that it would be painful, but honestly, if I am dying right now, all I feel is...nothing. That’s probably because there’s no way in hell anything could hurt more than the pain I’ve had for the past month. I’ve held on as long as I could.
The door bursts open, Dion taking a huge step back before his face pales. I don’t cry, I don’t try to explain myself, I just sit here and stare into space.
“Fuck!” Dion covers his mouth before he starts to cry. He seems to be crying a lot lately. “Xavier, no, no, no.” He sinks to his knees and screams for my mom to call an ambulance. “This isn’t the way out, man. I-I could have helped you.”
He stands up to grab a towel before he slips and falls into the blood on the tile. It looks like he’s about to puke, but he composes himself and forcefully grabs one wrist, tying the towel around it tightly.
There’s a shriek of horror from my mom, her sobs filling my ears as I feel my eyes begin to shut.
“Don’t you dare.” Dion seethes. “I swear to God Xavier you better stay awake. Do you hear me?”
Sirens echo from outside the house a few minutes later, and just for a second I almost regret what I’ve done. I didn’t mean to do this to them, but I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to escape all of this pain. I want to be anywhere but here.
“Hold on, Xavier.” Dion says. “Just hold on.”
I slide into the car with Dion and Amelia, my anger continuing to rise by the second. I don’t know how to handle all of these emotions going on at once. Fury, jealousy, disappointment, so many feelings are racing through my veins and I don’t know if I can honestly handle it.
“What’d you guys do?” He says, blinking a couple of times to not be so drunk. Amelia has her head on his shoulder, her eyes opening slightly to focus on us. I don’t want to say anything in front of Elena’s roommate because I know she’ll more than likely go back and tell her. That’s how girls are.
“We didn’t do anything.” I mutter.
“So you’re half naked just for the hell of it?”
I let out an irritated sigh and shrug my t-shirt shirt back onto my body. I don’t feel like talking about this shit. Especially not in front of her roommate.
“I need a blunt.” I decide to say instead of comment further. “A fat one.”
Amelia opens her eyes more and reaches down for her purse, rummaging around for a bit before she retrieves an already rolled one that’s inside of a plastic bag. “Here you go.” She smirks. “I’m not going to smoke it tonight anyways.”
“You don’t want money for it?” I take the plastic bag from her and avoid the judgmental eyes from our uber driver. He’ll get over it.
“You clearly need it more than me.” She hiccups from being so drunk and giggles when Dion smiles at her. “Don’t be upset over Elena. She’s becoming a good friend of mine, but she also has a lot of... issues. She just deals with things differently than most.”
“I already told you to stay clear of her anyways.” Dion chimes in. “You don’t need the drama. If she wants to fuck Cameron then let her. Why don’t you just call Leila? She left only a half hour before us. I’m sure she’s still up.”
Last year I would have instantly called her up. Last year I wouldn’t have thought twice before I was buried inside of her. But last year I didn’t meet the one person who is exactly like me. The one person who might just drive me insane.
“Thanks for this.” I nod towards Amelia and stuff it into the pocket of my jacket when the uber driver pulls up in front of our house.
“Careful.” Dion helps Amelia out of the car as he stumbles slightly himself. Her arms go around his waist to try and hold herself up, and if I weren’t so annoyed then I’d probably laugh at what idiots they both are.
I sit down onto the porch steps and take out the blunt when Dion pokes his head outside. “Are you going to be okay?” He asks.
“After I smoke this I will be.” I shake the baggie at him with a fake smile and prompt him to go inside. “Now go pop that cherry.”
I get a smack to the head before the door closes, silence finally surrounding me. I don’t want to think about what Elena is doing inside right now with Cameron. I don’t want to wonder if she’ll be okay tonight, but because of who I am as a fucking person that’s the only thing on my mind.
It doesn’t matter if she hurt me. It doesn’t matter if she kissed Cameron. The only thing that matters to me is that she’s going to be okay tonight. I provoked her addiction. In a way this whole thing is my fault. I should have known better than to kiss her.
I pull out the lighter from my jean pocket and light up the blunt, inhaling a long drag. The smoke fills my lungs, and within minutes I begin to feel calmer than I have all night. The stress is fading, the anxiety is winding down, but the feel of her lips on mine still lingers.
Why did she have to be so intoxicating? Why is it that kissing her does more good for me than this fat blunt? I wish I didn’t have such an addictive personality. I wish I didn’t have this need to fix broken people. It feels as if it’s in my blood to help her get over this.
Spending the next fifteen minutes blowing smoke into the air, I’m only able to get the blunt down a little more than halfway before I decide to head inside. It’s quiet when I close the front door. Too quiet.
I walk past Cameron’s door too quickly and climb the staircase to the third floor. My bed isn’t made from earlier, heaps of laundry spread across the floor. I wish I had picked this shit up this morning.
The weed hit me harder than expected. I don’t even remember how I got into bed, but somehow I’ve stripped down to just my briefs and pulled the covers on. This high is unreal. It feels like my body is almost floating above my bed right now.
There’s a couple of knocks on my door that snaps me out of the feeling of levitation.
“Who is it?” I groan.
Nobody answers so I irritatingly get out of bed and find Elena on the other side sobbing like a complete lunatic. Her hair is still up in a ponytail, but she’s only wearing those pink panties with one of Cameron’s shirts on.
“What did he do?” I blurt out without thinking. “Did he hurt you?”
She shakes her head and falls completely into my arms. The anger I felt towards her earlier has completely vanished, and all I want is for her to be okay.
We head back into my room now and sit down onto my bed. I’m suddenly nervous about how my room looks. Why do I give a fuck what she thinks about it? I shouldn’t.
“Xavier, I-” She gets choked up and wipes her cheeks again to get rid of her tears. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am. What I did is so fucked up. I-I just get so worked up, and I’ve never had someone reject me before. I didn’t know what else to do. I just went to the one person I know would give me what I needed.”
I don’t know what to say. I just run my fingers through my hair and wipe tiredly at my eyes. I’m still high as fuck.
“You just don’t understand.” Her bottom lip trembles. “I needed it, and Cameron-”
“Can you just stop talking about it?” I ask. I don’t want to think of her and Cameron together. I don’t need to know the details. “It’s fine if you slept with him. We’re not a thing, Elena. You can sleep with whoever you want. I just don’t think it’s very smart because of what you’re going through. That’s all.”
She nods and sniffles a couple more times before she pulls her knees up to her chest. I need to avoid staring at her. I can’t allow myself to look at how that pink thong makes her ass look. If I let myself finally see what she looks like without her clothes on I’ll be done for. The last ounce of self control I have will be gone.
“I just don’t want you to think poorly of me.” She admits.
“Why does it matter what I think of you?”
It seems like she can’t think of an answer to my question. She ponders it for a moment and purses her lips together. “I don’t know.” She finally replies. “I wish I could tell you that.”
“Me too.” I find myself saying.
Reaching down onto the floor, I grab the remainder of the blunt and my lighter and spark it up again, taking another long inhale. “Why were you crying?” I ask.
“Because I cry every single time I’m about to have sex.” She admits. “I feel like garbage about myself afterwards.”
“And that made you want to come and see me? Why?”
She takes the blunt from me and takes a hit. The way her eyes gloss over makes me crave her more. She looks so fucking beautiful in a t-shirt. She doesn’t need makeup or any of the other shit a lot of girls wear. She looks so good like this.
“To be truthful, you’re the only person that I’ve ever met that I don’t feel like an outcast around. I feel like I can be myself around you and not worry about being judged. I don’t know. Is that weird?”
“No. I get it.” I nod. “Oddly enough I feel that way too.”
The weed is getting to me way more than normal. I’m talking about my feelings. I never do that. Well, I never used to until she came along.
“So what are we going to do about this?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” She replies.
“Like, are we just going to pretend that we don’t have this weird fucking connection? Should we just be strangers, or do you want to try and be friends?”
“Friends?” She laughs and rolls her eyes. “We can’t be friends. This connection we have isn’t just a friendly one. You and I both know that.”
“I’ll fight it.” I suggest. “I can avoid temptation, Elena. I know I failed tonight, but I can do it. I think it’d be stupid to just forget like we never met.”
“I’ve just never had a guy that’s a... friend.” She says. “It’s always been something more.”
My room reeks like weed and liquor. Elena smells like vanilla and honey, and it smells so good. I’m so high right now. Is that why I smell honey?
“This is some good shit.” She coughs after another hit and passes it back to me. I would ask her again about being friends, but I don’t want to get embarrassed again. “What’s with all of those?” She nods to my walls, which are covered with different movie posters.
“I like movies.” I tell her. “My dad and I always used to watch one every Friday. I’m not kidding. Ever since I was two I remember watching a new one every single weekend.”
“You don’t anymore?”
“Uh, no.” I say, my body beginning to tense up. “We haven’t in a couple of years.”
Damn. She asks a lot of fucking questions.
“Well for one, they live in New York. I came to Florida State with Dion after we graduated. There’s more to the story, but I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“I get it.” She nods. “Can I ask one more question though?”
Lying down onto my back, I take another hit and stare at the ceiling. It seems like the entire room is spinning, and I laugh from the feeling. Being high makes every single emotion fade away. I love being numb.
“What’s with the name Xavier? Who came up with that?”
“Xavier is a common name.” I say defensively. “My mom just always liked it I guess. What’s with the name Elena? Who named you?”
She lays down beside me and her bare thigh is touching mine. The skin on skin contact is making me lose my breath. I wonder if she feels the same way.
“I honestly don’t know. I haven’t spoken to either of them since I was like, six I think?”
“Oh, Xavier.” She sighs and smiles, turning her head to look at me. “We may have a connection, but there’s just things I don’t tell anyone. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nod. My eyes begin to feel like there are weights holding them down, forcing them shut. I know that this high is going to give me the best sleep I’ve had in awhile.
“Do you mind if I sleep here?” She yawns tiredly and stretches out her tiny body on my bed. I’ve never slept with a girl overnight. Not even Mia. No one has ever slept with me.
“Um.” I clear my throat and feel her sit up in my bed.
“It’s fine. I can just uber back to the dorms. It’s not a big deal, really.” She sends me a reassuring smile, but I grab onto her arm to bring her towards me.
Why does the thought of her leaving make me feel empty? Why have I been sitting here for the past hour telling her about my parents, opening up to her about things I’ve never told anyone before? This is so unlike me. I’m not myself.
“Just stay.” I mumble. “It’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” She asks.
I move over so that she has more room and she settles down underneath the covers. It feels nice whether I’d like to admit it or not to have her next to me. I’m starting to think that maybe it’s not her, but just the presence of someone that makes me feel not alone.
I can keep telling myself this all I want, but I know deep down it’s not true.